Why didn't I listen to myself?

[choirmember]

Hi all,
I have a huge issue. I have been married for almost a decade and for the past few years I have been struggling with the notion that maybe I am not, and have never really been “in love” with my husband. I want to give you my story , It is long and I apologize for that.
In high school I was not that popular with the boys. I was in all the "do gooder clubs and the wait till marriage clubs " you know the ones that all the guys steer far from cause they know they won’t be getting any. I had a few short term high school flings but nothing that lasted more then a few months. I always considered my self to be kind of a nerd.
I met my now husband over the summer my sohmore year of college. (he is 6 years older and had already graduated). He asked me out , I was not really that interested in him at first. We exchanged numbers and I said he could call me. He did , a lot, we talked all the time. His friends would tell me how in love with me he was and please don’t break his heart yadda yadda yadda.
Here was the first issue… I have always been a very practicing Catholic girl. He is a completely non practicing Jewish guy. Basically he is Agnostic. I was not to kean on this from the begining. He had a lot of issues, his family is not close, when we met he was not speaking to his mother and 2 of his siblings. I guess at the time I thought I could help him mend his family relationships, and help him be a better person.(I think I did help him in that retrospect). He has a hot temper and gets mad and angered easily. He has unrealistic expectations of people. He thinks everyone should be as considerate and intelligent as he thinks he is.
My parents were always supportive of my relationship. They are very understanding, loving and open people. My dad once told me he did’nt feel this guy was right for me but he didn’t push the issue.
We got engaged my senior year and I think at the time I secretly had doubts and kept them to myself. (I think a lot of people whom I should have listend to were trying to talk me out of it but I didn’t want to hurt him) The other issue was that I had always thought I wouldsave myself for my husband and since at one point in our relationship I allowed us to become intimate I basically felt like I was betraying myself if I didn’t press forward with our relationship.
Since he was not at all religious he aggreed completely to marriage in my church, raising any kids we had Catholic and all that. At the time I thought that was good enough.
When I graduated I moved back home and got a job in the city. the commute was really far from my parents house so I moved in with my fiance a few moths before the wedding. I started attending the local parish by myself each week. I think it strted to hit me when I joined the choir and some of the women started to ask if they could fix me up with their sons. none of them realized I was engaged since no one ever met this mystery man who NEVER attended Mass. We got married had our 1st baby 2 years later . My second pregnancy ended in a miscariage towards the end of the first trimester. Instead of comming home to comfort me he said he was sorry and that at least it happened early on and not in the second or third timester. The next day I had to go for surgery to avoid hemorging and he told me he had tickets to a playoff game and his friend from out of town had already driven here to go. So I told him to go and that there was nothing he could do for me at the hospital anyhow. (what I wanted to say was how could you choose your friend and a game over me) But I did not, I said go ahead, have fun.
Since then we have had 2 more children. After the 3rd he decided that we were absolutly done having kids and even went to see a Dr about getting a vasectamy.(it is pretty obvious why this would upset me). Fortunatly he did not go through with it. The Dr. gave him a list of potential side affects and he decided not to go through with it.
I take the whole gang to mass every Sunday by myself. I recently have started pestering my husband to come with us, if anything to sit in the cry room with the toddler. But he would rather stay home and watch football previews.He tells me do not push your religion on me. Christening, communions, confirmations, that is all he will attend.
I am so tired of having half of a relationship with my supposed partner. We view so many things so differntly. I tried to get us to go to couples counseling but he refused.
My heart is breaking and I can’t believe how absolutly lonely I feel day after day. I can’t leave him. I would never do that to my children. They love their father and I would never split up our family. Lately I feel like maybe my marriage isn’t realy a valid one and everytime my husband wants to “be with me” I feel like I am fornicating instead of making love to a husband.

 

[BamaRider]

you know the ones that all the guys steer far from cause they know they won’t be getting any

Dang. And thats all I got to say about that LOL.

First welcome to CAF. I don’t really know how to respond because you didn’t ask for any advice.

What you have here is common in many, many couples. Where the marriage moves into one of a union held together by common needs. You have children, a roof over you head, and other needs that are mostly being met. My guess is you like your husband and respect him, but in terms love and devotion you are missing something.

All couples who are entering the notion of a mixed marriage need to read this story. It is a common one, where the Catholic feels like something is missing, because something is.

My thought is you never really loved your husband, and before you knew it marriage talk came up, and the next thing you know you’re going down the aisle. I won’t say you got railroaded, but ya mighta got caught up in the events. You wouldn’t be the first. Once the subject of marriage comes up, and plans start going down, it’s like a runaway train.

Other than trying to make this is work sweetie, I can’t tell you what to do. He is not abusive, lazy etc. It could be worse. You have kids, in the realms of life, there are somethings bigger than us, and in that light you do the best you can for them, and that would mean NOT breaking up your family because you are not 100% happy. I know, a heavy cross to bear.

I will only offer this, you are vulnerable right now, be very cautious of letting any male friends become to close to you, I suggest NOT crying on some guys shoulder at work etc. If you need to talk to someone try your priest, or your female friends, or just come on here where no one knows ya and vent.

 

[nicolep]

I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time. As BamaRider mentioned, this is a very heavy cross to bear.

I know all of what I’m getting ready to say is a lot easier said than done.

Love is a more of a decision than a feeling. Lust is the feeling. My grandparents were married for 65 years. They didn’t love each other all of the time. Everyday when my grandpa woke up, he made the decision to love my grandma and their kids. Love is being dedicated to a person. It’s making a decision to do the best you can for that person and your family. I’m sure there were times both of them wanted to give up and walk away. They made the decision not to do that.

I wish I could provide some comfort for you. Maybe praying for your husband’s conversion will help. I’ve heard many converts say after they converted, they learned that someone was secretly praying a Rosary for their conversion. If you had a solid faith in your relationship, I venture to guess things would get at least a little bit easier.

You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[Serap]

I just read For Better Forever; A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage by Gregory Popcak and it is a great book to read.

Another poster said love is a decision…this book says that too.

Read it and see what you think.

amazon.com/Better-Forever-Catholic-Guide-Lifelong-Marriage/dp/0879736887

I second to stay away from men friends and men for support. You may end up finding yourself developing a romantic attraction as you’re vulnerable right now.

 

[Sierrah]

Hi all,
I have a huge issue. I have been married for almost a decade and for the past few years I have been struggling with the notion that maybe I am not, and have never really been “in love” with my husband. I want to give you my story , It is long and I apologize for that.
In high school I was not that popular with the boys. I was in all the "do gooder clubs and the wait till marriage clubs " you know the ones that all the guys steer far from cause they know they won’t be getting any. I had a few short term high school flings but nothing that lasted more then a few months. I always considered my self to be kind of a nerd.
I met my now husband over the summer my sohmore year of college. (he is 6 years older and had already graduated). He asked me out , I was not really that interested in him at first. We exchanged numbers and I said he could call me. He did , a lot, we talked all the time. His friends would tell me how in love with me he was and please don’t break his heart yadda yadda yadda.

**Sounds like maybe you had some self esteem issues and here comes this guy you thought might be your knight in shinning armor so to speak but maybe your gut was telling you to watch out. **

Here was the first issue… I have always been a very practicing Catholic girl. He is a completely non practicing Jewish guy. Basically he is Agnostic. I was not to kean on this from the begining. He had a lot of issues, his family is not close, when we met he was not speaking to his mother and 2 of his siblings. I guess at the time I thought I could help him mend his family relationships, and help him be a better person.

**It’s never a good idea to think you’re going to change someone or improve them. His family issues should have been a red flag. **

(I think I did help him in that retrospect). He has a hot temper and gets mad and angered easily. He has unrealistic expectations of people. He thinks everyone should be as considerate and intelligent as he thinks he is.

Most guys thing this that nothing new

My parents were always supportive of my relationship. They are very understanding, loving and open people. My dad once told me he did’nt feel this guy was right for me but he didn’t push the issue.

You’re family is sometimes a good indicator to go by.
We got engaged my senior year and I think at the time I secretly had doubts and kept them to myself. (I think a lot of people whom I should have listend to were trying to talk me out of it but I didn’t want to hurt him) The other issue was that I had always thought I wouldsave myself for my husband and since at one point in our relationship I allowed us to become intimate I basically felt like I was betraying myself if I didn’t press forward with our relationship.
Since he was not at all religious he aggreed completely to marriage in my church, raising any kids we had Catholic and all that. At the time I thought that was good enough.
When I graduated I moved back home and got a job in the city. the commute was really far from my parents house so I moved in with my fiance a few moths before the wedding. I started attending the local parish by myself each week. I think it strted to hit me when I joined the choir and some of the women started to ask if they could fix me up with their sons. none of them realized I was engaged since no one ever met this mystery man who NEVER attended Mass. We got married had our 1st baby 2 years later . My second pregnancy ended in a miscariage towards the end of the first trimester. Instead of comming home to comfort me he said he was sorry and that at least it happened early on and not in the second or third timester. The next day I had to go for surgery to avoid hemorging and he told me he had tickets to a playoff game and his friend from out of town had already driven here to go. So I told him to go and that there was nothing he could do for me at the hospital anyhow. (what I wanted to say was how could you choose your friend and a game over me) But I did not, I said go ahead, have fun.

I think this was your big mistake. You weren’t honest with him about how you felt and gave him the go ahead to think only about himself which set a dangerous precedent.

Since then we have had 2 more children. After the 3rd he decided that we were absolutly done having kids and even went to see a Dr about getting a vasectamy.(it is pretty obvious why this would upset me). Fortunatly he did not go through with it. The Dr. gave him a list of potential side affects and he decided not to go through with it.
I take the whole gang to mass every Sunday by myself. I recently have started pestering my husband to come with us, if anything to sit in the cry room with the toddler. But he would rather stay home and watch football previews.He tells me do not push your religion on me. Christening, communions, confirmations, that is all he will attend.
I am so tired of having half of a relationship with my supposed partner. We view so many things so differntly. I tried to get us to go to couples counseling but he refused.
My heart is breaking and I can’t believe how absolutly lonely I feel day after day. I can’t leave him. I would never do that to my children. They love their father and I would never split up our family. Lately I feel like maybe my marriage isn’t realy a valid one and everytime my husband wants to “be with me” I feel like I am fornicating instead of making love to a husband.

I will pray for your family.

 

[MamaMia3]

I too am part of an interfaith marriage. It is very hard. And yes very lonely at times. The church advises against it FOR THIS REASON!!! yet most of us don’t listen. Sometimes may seem harder then others but if you have been together for 10 years and have had 3 children together there must be a part of you that still feels connected to him.
Have you ever flat out told him how hurt you were with his decision to choose his buddy over his wife at a really important time. or just how inconsiderate some of his actions have been and how hurt you are?
Sometimes we only think we are telling are spouse how we feel and in reality we are not really that clear.
Don’t give up on your marriage. Pray for his conversion. And as other posters have stated, try to avoid male friends for comfort.

 

[SMHW]

Sorry to hear all this. As you have figured out, this is one of the problems with marrying a non-Catholic. And since he is not a Christian (I presume he is not baptized since he comes from a Jewish family) you don’t even have the sacramental graces from the sacrament of matrimony to help you out. (Lest anyone misunderstand me, I presume your marriage is perfectly valid, just not sacramental.)

You didn’t really ask for advice but I’ll offer some anyways.

I’m assuming you want to try and stay married to this man and make things better so that’s what I’m going to offer.

Are you currently a choir member at your church? I know that singing in the choir can be very difficult if you have young children even if your spouse does attend Mass. If he doesn’t then that means you need to leave your children at home with their father, watch them while you are singing, or rely on others to watch them for you. I urge you to do whatever you have to do to take your children to Mass (or at least to the nursery or preschool if provided) so that the little ones get in the habit of going. I know our choir has relied on family members of other choir members to help out in just such circumstances. And eventually the older children learn to take care of the younger ones. Do keep singing. If you stop you’ll probably start piling up the resentment against your husband.

You need to find a way to build your relationship with your husband. You say he likes to watch football. Do you? Do you know other couples that you can get together with on game days? Are there other activities you can do together? I know it’s tough with little children but since you don’t have your faith to bind you together you need to work on something that does. If you can do things with other Catholic couples in a secular setting, so much the better.

Make sure your husband builds a relationship with his children. That might mean sports, family hikes, vacations, etc. He should do these things just with himself and the kids and also with you included. Observing your husband loving and taking care of his children is usually very inspiring to a wife.

You need to look for the things you admire about your husband and make you love him. You are the most likely means of attracting him to the Catholic Church so you need to be loving to him.

And as others have said, pray, pray, pray. Pray for yourself. Pray for your husband. And pray for your relationship.

 

[choirmember]

SMHW,
Are you currently a choir member at your church? I know that singing in the choir can be very difficult if you have young children even if your spouse does attend Mass. If he doesn’t then that means you need to leave your children at home with their father, watch them while you are singing, or rely on others to watch them for you. I urge you to do whatever you have to do to take your children to Mass

I stopped participating in choir when I had my 1st child. (Hubby doesnt go, so I have to wacth all 3 kids). I like to bring the kids every week so they get used to going.
I participate in a lot of our parishs programs like the mommy and me and youth group. We have a moms group as well. We do couples events like dinner parties and we take turn hosting. and my husband attends these but as soon as the talk turns away from sports and to oh dare I say it religion(even if its only brief), he quietly makes his way out of the room and into the TV room. It gets embarrasing being the only one at a huge table whose husband would rather watch ESPN sports then engage in conversation with my friends.When it’s my turn he is always tired, or worked long hours this week or some kind of excuse. And then always making excuses for him so we can leave early. Yet when we go to his friends parties (many of whom are Catholic just not the kind that attend Mass regularly if you know what I’m saying) he will hang out want to stay late even if I am tired and bored. yet I never embarass him and act like I’m bored or leave the room and hide from everyone the whole time.