Why I choose not to believe

[Everstruggling]

Philomena:

I was referring to the story of St Paul, who persecuted Christians, then was 'knocked off his horse" as a result of his conversion. I am simply praying that God reveal himself to you in such a powerful, obvious way, like St Paul. That’s all.

D’oh!

I feel really dumb now.

I’m sorry I misinterpreted. I was thinking of “come down off your stinkin’ high horse” type thing.

I’m a shmuck, forgive me?

 

[Everstruggling]

Hi everyone,
Chris W:

I’m just probing here, Ever, trying to say something that will snap your intellect out of defense lawyer mode and allow your heart to be of stronger guidance.

You know, I’ve actually decided to stop debating .

For one, it’s exhausting, and another, there are too many people trying to be kind and helpful. I feel like a jerk that all I’ve been responding with is “well, you’re wrong”. So I’m going to try and get off the defensive. Besides, I’m clearly not very happy with my position. It doesn’t make all that much sense to cling to it with every fiber of my being.

I’ve also decided to be a little more open. I haven’t started praying, but I have stopped yelling a little. Given it a break to see if I generated any response.

StCsDavid:

[If] God revealed Himself to you in a physical manifestation that you could believe…what would be the number one thing you ask His forgiveness for?

Interesting, I’ll think about it. Why do you ask?
I Leatherman:

I was not joking when I said go find a mountaintop.

Cool. I really wasn’t sure before.

RobNY:

Do you have any particular saint or prayer that you have an affinity for?

My favourite saint is John Bosco.

I’d really like to thank all of the people who posted again. I find it very humbling to think that all of these people who don’t know me have taken the time to try and help me with this struggle. I’ve just re-read all of the posts today, and I’m really blown away.

 

[StCsDavid]

Everstruggling:

Interesting, I’ll think about it. Why do you ask?

I’m not trying to be cute, but I don’t want to steer you in one direction or another. Just chew on it a couple of days and then I’ll come back and tell why I inquired.

 

[Philomena]

Everstruggling:

D’oh!

I feel really dumb now.

I’m sorry I misinterpreted. I was thinking of “come down off your stinkin’ high horse” type thing.

I’m a shmuck, forgive me?

Forgiven.

 

[Riley259]

Everstruggling:

Hi,

I’m not trying to thumb my nose at anyone, nor am I trying to convert others to my point of view. I’m much, much too unhappy a person to try and recruit a team of followers.

I’m starting this thread because:

1. I haven’t come across a lot of people that feel/think the same way I do, and I’m interested if there are others that agree with my reasons
2. I could be missing something. :bigyikes:
3. In a way, it’s like a kind of prayer. A last ditch plea that God will show up and explain Himself. (Hmm, I know I’m going to catch flak for that comment)

I’ve had many great discussions about this with people on the site, and I’ve gained some great insights. But so far I’ve managed to cling tenuously to my doubt. Here’s why:

The question of whether or not God exists is totally irrelevant to me. I’m more than willing to concede that there is a first mover, that my moral compass in fact did come from somewhere, that I in fact do have a notion of perfection, that things exist. Fine, God exists, big deal. It’s as relevent to me as someone proving that “2” or “red” exist.

My problem is when people tell me that God is loving, or that God is involved in my life. I’ve never experienced God in my life at all. I’ve experienced countless **people **telling me that God is involved, but not God. If God is infinite, if God is all-powerful. Could he not once, just once, come down and tell me he’s here. That he knows what I’m going through? I mean he can right? Wouldn’t take any time at all, but he doesn’t. The idea that he exists, that he could do something like that, and that he won’t is so annoying, so hurtful, so blatently cruel, that I choose not to believe.

Go in front of the Blessed Sacrament for an hour a day and “talk” to God about your doubts and feelings of despair. Ask Him to help you understand Him better and ask Him for the grace to believe in more more firmly … He won’t dissappoint you.

 

[Philomena]

Ever…we’re all wondering how you’re doing?? Please keep us posted. We are praying for you!

 

[Kristina_P]

Everstruggling:

Hi,

I’m not trying to thumb my nose at anyone, nor am I trying to convert others to my point of view. I’m much, much too unhappy a person to try and recruit a team of followers.

I’m starting this thread because:

1. I haven’t come across a lot of people that feel/think the same way I do, and I’m interested if there are others that agree with my reasons
2. I could be missing something. :bigyikes:
3. In a way, it’s like a kind of prayer. A last ditch plea that God will show up and explain Himself. (Hmm, I know I’m going to catch flak for that comment)

I’ve had many great discussions about this with people on the site, and I’ve gained some great insights. But so far I’ve managed to cling tenuously to my doubt. Here’s why:

The question of whether or not God exists is totally irrelevant to me. I’m more than willing to concede that there is a first mover, that my moral compass in fact did come from somewhere, that I in fact do have a notion of perfection, that things exist. Fine, God exists, big deal. It’s as relevent to me as someone proving that “2” or “red” exist.

My problem is when people tell me that God is loving, or that God is involved in my life. I’ve never experienced God in my life at all. I’ve experienced countless **people **telling me that God is involved, but not God. If God is infinite, if God is all-powerful. Could he not once, just once, come down and tell me he’s here. That he knows what I’m going through? I mean he can right? Wouldn’t take any time at all, but he doesn’t. The idea that he exists, that he could do something like that, and that he won’t is so annoying, so hurtful, so blatently cruel, that I choose not to believe.

I totally identify with your problem, but as near as I can tell, it is impossible for me to bridge your gap between no faith and faith. If you seek after the truth and seek after God (even if you’re not convinced he exists), then He will take hold of you. Don’t expect “signs and wonders”; you probably won’t get them. Sometimes, the only evidence that God gives us is the gift of our own ability to have faith. I pray that He gives you this.

I suggest the short novel, “Till We Have Faces” by C.S. Lewis. I’m not saying it will answer your questions, but you may find a lot of yourself in the main character and that can be comforting.

 

[Phaedrus]

Kristina P.:

I suggest the short novel, “Till We Have Faces” by C.S. Lewis. I’m not saying it will answer your questions, but you may find a lot of yourself in the main character and that can be comforting.

I second Kristina’s recommendation. TWHF is, I believe, C. S. Lewis’ greatest fictional work, and one of the great Christian works of the 20th century.

Under the Mercy,
Phaedrus