Why is correcting people so hard?

[Shtove]

Not really sure which category this should be in so I’m sorry if it’s in the wrong one.

Now this is a strange example and I don’t mean this in any negative way possible but bear with me. My brother came into my room and asked for my help. I came to the living room and he asked if I can watch him walk down the stairs because he apparently almost fell earlier and he was scared.

He has asked for help many many times for things that he didn’t need help at all with. I’d actually say that’s the majority of the time. I told him that he can’t keep doing that and then he got mad and defensive blaming his anxiety and this made me start to feel bad. But I was doing it out of love. He is 24, he’s gonna have to move out on his own soon, he can’t call me or our parents constantly for help with things that don’t require help, so I said this to try to help him overcome this because he may not even realize what he’s doing. So I felt like a jerk for genuinely trying to help.

The reason I’m posting it here is that this can directly relate to Catholicism and helping people turn from their sinful ways. Many times people will get very angry and defensive and it seems to turn on the Catholic as if they’re the bad person even if they were respectful about it.

So, there lies my question. Why is it so hard to try and help people sometimes?

I’d assume it’s because no matter how respectful you are while saying it you are still calling out their actions, so they naturally get defensive.

 

[Bluebright]

Probably because of our own sins. No matter how hard we try and I’m not saying we shouldn’t do it, but we bring our own issues into it (that log in the eye thing). For instance part of correcting your brother was prossibly annoyance with him. Ask yourself could you have done it with a spirit of gentleness? More kindly? Or talked to him first about why you are doing it, as you did us. Examine your own motives first are they pure? Any little niggles… are you doing it for God? Or for yourself/others.
Read Galatians 6 as St Paul gives some good advice about correcting others faults.

Then also remember that it isn’t always our place. What is a great problem to you may be a God given temperament for your brother. Which doesn’t mean it’s not a fault but it may be something he needs to correct himself in time, with Gods grace. So a gentle word from you might help and then be on hand if he wants or needs your help. In the meantime bearing ills patiently.

 

[Vico]

…
Why is it so hard to try and help people sometimes?
…

Human nature: desire when thwarted brings anger. Defensive means excessive sensitivity to criticism.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Is your brother under care for his anxiety?
Or does he have Brittle Bone Disease?
Is your house structurally unsound and stair collapse is a real possibility?

Anecdotally, there seems to be an uptick in new psychiatric conditions, or increasing severity of pre-existing psychiatric conditions since the quarantine.

I wonder if he’s letting his imagination run away with him. We’ve all done that at some time or another.

At the same time, nobody gets to use their diagnosis as a stick to beat or control others with.

If this is a constant thing with him, always demanding, then say “no” and let him get mad. If this is a once-in-a-while quirky thing, go ahead and play along when YOU want to. Maybe he was just lonely.

Asking politely for your company is okay, but the demanding behaviors have to stop.

 

[TK421]

We become angry when something we love is threatened. If we love our sin, then we become angry if it is threatened.

Also, sometimes we are a poor example / model. Honey works a lot better than vinegar in changing hearts and minds. Also, sometimes people make corrections for selfish and sinful reasons. For example, if a person has the vice of luxury (being picky and wanting things to be a particular way) and if they correct somebody because they are easily irritated and they want them to change for their own satisfaction, then they aren’t doing a work of mercy. They are being nosy, overbearing, and they are reinforcing their own vice. If this gets to the point that they are causing despair and severe distress in other people, then it can become a grave matter.

If the intent is genuine concern and love for neighbor, then it is a virtue. People who have authority over another person (such as teacher/student, or parent/child) are generally the people who ought to be making corrections.

Peace.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I think it’s because a lot of times, the person doing the “correcting” is minding someone else’s business when they were not asked for help.

In the situation with your brother, he came to you asking for help, so he opened the door for you to weigh in on the matter, even though he didn’t like what you had to say.

Likewise, if you were the parent of a minor, or someone’s priest/ confessor, you’re in a position where a correction would be normal and appropriate, even if the person didn’t ask for it.

Once you get out of these situations, then unless you are super-close to the person, like they’re your BFF or your relative with whom you have a close and loving relationship (as opposed to being distant or having conflicts all the time), your corrections are likely to be unwelcome because you’re minding someone else’s business and it’s also likely you don’t have a clear picture of what is going on.

Some years ago I was on the receiving end of “corrections” from people who barely knew me, weren’t Catholic, and I had not asked for their opinion. I was angry with them and have had no further contact with either of them since. I consider them toxic and don’t want them around.

On the other hand, I received corrections as an adult from my mother and from one or two of my close friends, and while I was frequently frustrated that they didn’t fully understand my situation, made wrong assumptions, or crossed some boundary, I understood they were acting out of love and concern and also that they knew me well enough that they might be right about some things. That doesn’t mean I reacted with sweetness and light, I may have told them to just drop the subject, but I thought about it later on my own time.

I think people should make corrections sparingly because they can actually have the opposite effect. Often times a person will know that they’re doing something wrong and know that they need to change, but being nagged or lectured will cause them to get stubborn and do more of the negative behavior just to show they can. Some people are just contrary. I think prayer and setting a good example is generally better than a correction, unless like I said you were either asked for your opinion or are in an authority position where it’s your role to issue a correction.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[OKComputer]

Probably because of our own sins. No matter how hard we try and I’m not saying we shouldn’t do it, but we bring our own issues into it (that log in the eye thing). For instance part of correcting your brother was prossibly annoyance with him. Ask yourself could you have done it with a spirit of gentleness? More kindly? Or talked to him first about why you are doing it, as you did us. Examine your own motives first are they pure? Any little niggles… are you doing it for God? Or for yourself/others.
Read Galatians 6 as St Paul gives some good advice about correcting others faults.

Then also remember that it isn’t always our place. What is a great problem to you may be a God given temperament for your brother. Which doesn’t mean it’s not a fault but it may be something he needs to correct himself in time, with Gods grace. So a gentle word from you might help and then be on hand if he wants or needs your help. In the meantime bearing ills patiently.

Perfectly said.

Somtiemes it’s just better to pray for someone and keep our mouths shut.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

So, there lies my question. Why is it so hard to try and help people sometimes?

Well, it sounds like your brother is a bit of a special case. I’m assuming that he has some kind of mental problem (beyond just being an anxious person) or physical disability?