Why won't they marry us?

[Suzq2]

First, Congratulations on your engagement!

Now, as I’ve read through the thread I have been asking myself, “Don’t they want to be married by someone that KNOWS THEM?” When our priest married my husband and me, he had a relationship with us and was able to incorporate “us” into his part of the wedding mass (homily, blessings, etc.) (AND, our Pastor WAS transferred the day before our wedding. We were lucky that we were being married by the Associate Pastor because the new Pastor did try to make us jump through a bunch of hoops at the 11th hour and since the Associate Pastor had prepared us for the wedding, he stuck up for us.)

If you’re just picking a church so that it’s convenient for your families, that is very thoughtful but you must remember that, through the wedding preparation process, you and your fiance are leaving your families to start your own. I totally agree that not getting married in the church you regularly attend will put unneccesary stress on you.

Last point, we invited a lot of out of town guests to our wedding thinking they would never tie up a whole weekend for our wedding. We had 75 more guests than we originally planned on! If your guests aren’t able to travel, I agree with other posts that suggest having a reception of some sort back home (attend church together and then have a brunch?)

You’ll be in my prayers.

 

[gai001]

sigh…isn’t it interesting that God only asks us to follow 10 rules yet the church has thousands of rules and regulations…

And why is there no uniformity among parishes…one will marry us, virtually no questions asked, granted we go through pre marital counseling, pay their fee, etc. If they are supposedly all following one doctrine there should not be this sort of deviation

 

[PatriceA]

sigh…isn’t it interesting that God only asks us to follow 10 rules yet the church has thousands of rules and regulations…

And why is there no uniformity among parishes…one will marry us, virtually no questions asked, granted we go through pre marital counseling, pay their fee, etc. If they are supposedly all following one doctrine there should not be this sort of deviation

I think you’re seeing the situation from the point of view that you want this to all be easy, and getting married in the church should not be that easy. If there are any deviations, its the parishes that are lax in NOT following Church teachings and laws. Maybe if more parishes made it more difficult for people to get married, there wouldn’t be as many divorces. People put way too much planning in the reception, the flowers, the dress and not enough time on the actual pre-cana counseling and the actual wedding ceremony.

And really, its not that difficult. If you don’t want to skip all the preparations that prepare you as a couple to enter the sacrament of matrimony. Its truly a gift.

 

[gai001]

I think you’re seeing the situation from the point of view that you want this to all be easy, and getting married in the church should not be that easy. If there are any deviations, its the parishes that are lax in NOT following Church teachings and laws. Maybe if more parishes made it more difficult for people to get married, there wouldn’t be as many divorces. People put way too much planning in the reception, the flowers, the dress and not enough time on the actual pre-cana counseling and the actual wedding ceremony.

And really, its not that difficult. If you don’t want to skip all the preparations that prepare you as a couple to enter the sacrament of matrimony. Its truly a gift.

We don’t expect it to be all easy, just reasonable. We plan on going through the pre-cana counseling and are actually looking forward to it. My fiance is going through RCIA. Please don’t miss the point here and jump to conclusions that we are simply church shopping.

 

[PatriceA]

We don’t expect it to be all easy, just reasonable. We plan on going through the pre-cana counseling and are actually looking forward to it. My fiance is going through RCIA. Please don’t miss the point here and jump to conclusions that we are simply church shopping.

I never meant to imply you are church shopping, that wasn’t my intent. BUT, people have already pointed out to you that the parishes in Iowa are being “reasonable”. Unless there are other details you haven’t posted yet that would give us a better understanding of the situation.

 

[mjs1987]

My fiance is going through RCIA.

This could be where you are running into problems. If she is not Catholic yet then the churches in Iowa might want you to get a dispensation or permission before marrying a non-Catholic since that it required before marrying a non-Catholic.

This link might be helpful: usccb.org/laity/marriage/marriagefaqs.shtml

 

[estesbob]

I forgot to mention in my original post that there is one parish that is willing to marry us but wants to charge us over $1,600 to do so. Am I the only one that thinks this is outrageous coming from a non-profit, tax-exempt religous organization? I mean we are certainly more than happy to pay a reasonable feee of a couple of hundred dollars. Honestly, that is likely where we will go if none of the other parishes come around, however, it doesn’t feel right if you know what I mean.

Thoughts on that?

No. My Parish is in the Mountains and is a big draw for "destinaton wedding. we charge $1,600 because there is a cost involved in maintaing the facilty and making it avaible for the wedding .

 

[1ke]

sigh…isn’t it interesting that God only asks us to follow 10 rules yet the church has thousands of rules and regulations…

That is something of an oversimplification.

And why is there no uniformity among parishes…

Because the Church is not a corporation, it’s a mission of Christ carried out pastorally by the Bishop.

The Bishop is the pastor of his particular Church, the diocese. He pastors his flock as he sees fit. Canon Law is the universal law of the Church, and what is not specified in canon law is, in most cases, left to the Bishop to create guidelines, and possibly particular laws in his diocese.

If they are supposedly all following one doctrine there should not be this sort of deviation

These are not matters of doctrine.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

You also may be getting some various answers due to the scheduling demands of the particular church. You said some have said OK with no questions asked – perhaps they do not have a busy wedding season.

 

[The_Bucket]

I agree with the posters who ask the OP to look at it from the point of view of the pastors in Iowa. They likely don’t know you at all despite you having attended Mass at a couple of their parishes some years back. And you’re not from the area. And your future wife isn’t Catholic yet. So yes, I can understand the hesitancy in offering you a place and a priestly witness to get married.

So step one is to talk with your local pastor. Get the marriage prep started locally. Then get the pastor to call up one of the parishes in Iowa and start a dialogue. Maybe you and your fiancee can even go over some minor prep and major wedding details over the phone in a few sessions.

Then you’ll do the prep, get official permission from your pastor to be married elsewhere and then you will likely be on with it.

While I think $1,600 is a bit steep, expect churches to charge you no matter where you go. I paid $500 for the church plus more for the priest at my wedding a few years ago. We too had to jump through some hoops because we got married at the cathedral church for our Diocese. Our pastor refused to do the Mass there, however he did do the prep with us at our parish and signed permission for us to be married by a priest at the cathedral. Fortunately, that priest was the parochial vicar at another church our family frequently attended and knows my mother very well so there wasn’t as much of a problem getting him to be OK with performing our ceremony.

But yes, it can be a hassle… but it’s not just to give you a hard time. It’s to protect the sacrament.

 

[gai001]

Good News,

Another parish as agreed to work with us. I will keep you posted as to what we decide.

 

[ALLGIRLS]

I have also reminded them that I doubt your local parish, where you regularly attend, would charge you the fee if you just wanted to be married but TRULY didn’t have a dime in your pocket. I’ll bet they would waive the fee for someone who really, truly couldn’t afford it – but why should they work for free when your caterer won’t?

My parish church (where I was/still am an active member) didn’t ask me for any money when I got married (and my dh wasn’t even Catholic!). We found out that there is a standard “stipend” for the Priest, and had the Best (Wo)man give it to Fr. after the ceremony, and we paid the organist $100 (she played on her own time for us). That was it. I honestly think it depends on how active you are and if the pastor knows you well (i.e, sees you at Mass on Sunday). I don’t think it has anything to do w/ how much you tithe, b/c I was a single parent working for the State, and didn’t have a lot of money, so I didn’t give much.

In Christ,

Ellen

 

[estesbob]

My parish church (where I was/still am an active member) didn’t ask me for any money when I got married (and my dh wasn’t even Catholic!). We found out that there is a standard “stipend” for the Priest, and had the Best (Wo)man give it to Fr. after the ceremony, and we paid the organist $100 (she played on her own time for us). That was it. I honestly think it depends on how active you are and if the pastor knows you well (i.e, sees you at Mass on Sunday). I don’t think it has anything to do w/ how much you tithe, b/c I was a single parent working for the State, and didn’t have a lot of money, so I didn’t give much.

In Christ,

Ellen

Our Parish does not charge for Parishioners either.

 

[Phemie]

sigh…isn’t it interesting that God only asks us to follow 10 rules yet the church has thousands of rules and regulations…

And why is there no uniformity among parishes…one will marry us, virtually no questions asked, granted we go through pre marital counseling, pay their fee, etc. If they are supposedly all following one doctrine there should not be this sort of deviation

If they are willing to allow you to get married in their parish they are really doing you a favour, they don’t have to accommodate anyone but their own parishioners.

As for the Pre-Cana, by insisting on that they are following all the rules and ensuring that you meet with your own pastor who will do all the paperwork and get his bishop involved in granting you permission to get married elsewhere. Your should be grateful that your pastor will be there for you to guide you through all that.

The fee the parish is asking for the use of the church, etc. is not exactly exorbitant.

 

[1ke]

Good News,

Another parish as agreed to work with us. I will keep you posted as to what we decide.

That is good news for you, indeed. The first step, however, is to meet with your own parish pastor.

Good luck to you with your logistics and coordination.

 

[mswood]

I forgot to mention in my original post that there is one parish that is willing to marry us but wants to charge us over $1,600 to do so. Am I the only one that thinks this is outrageous coming from a non-profit, tax-exempt religous organization? I mean we are certainly more than happy to pay a reasonable feee of a couple of hundred dollars. Honestly, that is likely where we will go if none of the other parishes come around, however, it doesn’t feel right if you know what I mean.

Thoughts on that?

Actually I don’t think that is unreasonable, and is actually pretty standard to charge non-parish memebers a fee for using the church. My church, which doesn’t charge contributing memebers anything to use the church for their wedding, charges $1500 for non-parish memebers and $1200 for non-contributing parish members.

 

[Thomas63116]

This may be a moot point if you have already found a parish to work with, but since no one else seems to have mentioned it, I will bring it up.

You seem to have many relatives in Iowa, which is where you grew up and therefore where you would like to get married. Would these relatives include your parents? Are they active in their parish? Is it the same parish you grew up in? (If not your parents perhaps a brother or sister, or aunt and uncle are active in their parish. It would be ideal if they are still active in the parish where you were baptized, received first communion, were confirmed, etc.)

If so, you could ask them to approach the priest at that parish and explain that their (son/nephew/brother) now lives in Ohio, but would like to be married in Iowa (at the parish where you grew up, were an altar boy, received first communion, were baptized, etc. - insert all applicable connections you may have with the parish here). Have them ask father if it would be OK for you to call and discuss this with him to find out what you would need to do. Having someone who the priest knows in the parish do a little prep work for you is likely to get you a much better response than calling blindly and talking to the parish secretary.

Good luck!