Wife doesn't believe

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Travesty

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Hi all,

I have been married to my wife for 3 years now. Our marriage has had its fair share of ups and downs, but we always worked everything out, and now our marriage has never been stronger.

I also recently became a father (well, my daughter is 9 months old now). But I only got to see her for 7 days, because I am deployed overseas with the US-Army.

To make a long story short, I was raised as a christian in a non-denominational church, and often forced to go to many church events. Nonetheless as a teenager I felt resentful, and when I became an adult, I left the church and never looked back.

Having said that, being where I am now, and seeing what I have seen, made me definitely realize that I need the lord back in my life, so I started attending Catholic mass and I really enjoy it much more than my old non-denominational church.

Now the problem is, my wife claims to “believe in God” but not the bible? She often brings up the old “why does God allow bad things to happen to good people” excuse when I try to ask her what she means.

I told her that I plan on finishing RCIA and becoming a full member of my local Catholic church when I get home, and I want my daughter to be brought up in the church as well.

She was disgusted when I said this, and said “I’ll never let my daughter become Catholic, they are a bunch of child molestors”. I was pretty hurt by this, because I know the media tends to blow everything up out of proportion.

She said that she will agree to let our daughter go to a non-denominational church only, and the minute our daughter says she doesn’t want to go anymore, she won’t ever take her back.

Is there something I’m missing here? I tried to explain to my wife that I feel its important for a family to all share a religion and not divide the house hold. Besides that, she has told me before that she doesn’t believe in the bible or Jesus, because “God allows bad things to happen to good people”, but she has said that she prays every night and still believes that a benevolent creator created us. I have tried asking her to explain herself, but she simply says thats what she believes.

Should I give in and just go to non-denominational church and hope that my daughter likes going, and wants to continue to keep going for the sake of keeping our family together, and just pray that my wife comes around?

I really would rather finish my RCIA and stay with the Catholic church because mass is much more meaningful to me than the rock concert/sermon of the non-denominational church.

Thank you in advance for your replies.
 
Welcome to the CA Forums and may St. Michael, the mighty archangel, guide your steps and protect you from danger while you serve!!

From what little information we have about you and your wife, it sounds as if your experiences of late have drawn you to seek out God’s place in your life. It is no surprise to me that this search has led you to the Catholic Church. By contrast, your wife sounds vastly uninformed about the Church and what it means to be a Catholic. While her focus on one of the darkest chapters in the Church’s history is not surprising given the level of media attention it received, that view completely mischaracterizes the experience of the vast majority of the faithful Catholics and has nothing to do with the beautiful faith, traditions and sacraments at the heart of Catholicism.

Perhaps your best approach is to invite her to join you in the process of educating yourselves about the faith and Church. A first step could be the suggestion that she visit this website–it’s a great resource for information and education. Has she ever attended mass? Read a book on the faith, its saints, leaders or traditions? This initial inquiry does not require any commitment on her part–but if has become important to you, it seems like a small and reasonable accommodation on her part.

Best wishes and welcome home!!
 
I totally agree with Island oak. I would also add don’t give up on joning the church. It seems that she might be trying to humor you a bit, and hopes that this “church thing” blows over soon. As far as taking your daughter to the non-dem until she says no, as a mom with 4 kids, they will say they don’t want to go as soon as they can talk! Go all or nothing! You will not be happy in the non-dem, AND she will not be happy, and you will resent each other for it. If you can expose her to the Catholic faith in the limited amount of time it sounds like she might give you, perhaps it will sink in and make more sence than what she would hear/pick up at non-dem services.

May God bless you and your family!

Also- thank you for putting your life on the line to protect all the innocent people here and away. It is appreciated more than you can know!
 
Dear Travesty,

First of all, thank you for your dedicated service to our country and to the cause of freedom. Our thoughts and prayers are with all of you serving overseas.

I am in a similar situation, as my (Baptist) wife and I have been married for 20+ years and for the longest time, she wanted nothing to do with anything Catholic. Things are beginning to change, but it’s been an very slow process. The Holy Spirit has opened up some doors and has softened her heart, but only as a result of much prayer and patience.

The comments you wrote that your wife said seem to indicate that something has happened in her life to make her resentful, even angry at God, as well as the Catholic Church. You may have to find out what is really behind those statements. Although she is against you being a Catholic and especially raising your daughter in the Catholic Church (and this is something I’m in the process of working out with our 16-year-old son), you are the spiritual head of the family. Not because you say so, but because that’s how God has ordained the family. Whatever you do, don’t approach this as “Because I’m the head of this family and I said so!” That won’t work. But you not only have the right to choose the method of spiritual education of your children, but the obligation before God to do so. And your daughter doesn’t have a choice in the matter.

Whatever you do, don’t give in and “settle” for a non-denominational church, especially if you’re convinced that the Catholic Church is the one true Church, which it is. Simply “sharing a religion” to keep the household together isn’t the right answer, especially if that religion is false, or at least not the full truth. Finish your RCIA classes and STAY in the Catholic Church, where you will obtain the Grace necessary to effect conversion. God won’t allow your family to be torn apart as long as you cooperate with His Grace and continue to pray for your family’s spiritual well-being and protection. It may take years, even decades, for your wife to “come around,” but if she sees you loving the Lord and living out your faith, she will begin to see the Catholic Faith for what it really is, and not what she perceives it to be.

May God bless you and your family and may the light of His Truth shine upon you and your family.

JU
 
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Travesty:
Is there something I’m missing here? I tried to explain to my wife that I feel its important for a family to all share a religion and not divide the house hold. Besides that, she has told me before that she doesn’t believe in the bible or Jesus, because “God allows bad things to happen to good people”, but she has said that she prays every night and still believes that a benevolent creator created us. I have tried asking her to explain herself, but she simply says thats what she believes.

Should I give in and just go to non-denominational church and hope that my daughter likes going, and wants to continue to keep going for the sake of keeping our family together, and just pray that my wife comes around?

I really would rather finish my RCIA and stay with the Catholic church because mass is much more meaningful to me than the rock concert/sermon of the non-denominational church.
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This is probably going to sound very flippant, as the thoughts of an unbeliever. but honestly, aren’t you the one who divided the house–not her? Everything was fine until you decided to be Catholic right? I think you might owe it to her to go to the rock concert sermons every sunday (even though those are incredibly uninspiring.)

And as far as your wife’s assumption goes (i.e. that bad things should happen only to bad people,) you should have her read the story of Job (assuming she doesn’t mind reading.)

But actually, I think that if you in fact don’t harangue her about her this, and simply expose her to your catholic faith, she will become more and more interested. don’t overtly evangelize, just show her how interesting your faith is (and show her how serious you take it.) But if she becomes too committed to “bad things should only happen to bad people” then if by your reasoning you show that she is wrong, then she might be too prideful to admit it, and will rationalize her position. I think the more you harangue her about this assumption, the less likely she will convert.
 
Yes bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to everybody. In fact, all people do bad things (i.e. all people sin), even good people. They might not intend to sin or want to, but it happens. That doesn’t mean God doesn’t exist or doesn’t love us. He created us with free will, and sometimes that causes suffering.

I can understand why your wife has trouble with the concept that bad things happen to good people. I would acknowledge the truth of that but explain that God still exists and wants what’s best for us. Ask your wife if there is a particular “bad thing” that happened to a good person she knew that is particularly upsetting for her. Explain that God didn’t want that to happen, and God wants us to heal from the hurts of the world.

In response to atheos_sum, I want to say that you are not the one who divided the household. You found your faith and that may have caused a division between you and your wife, but you are not responsible for it. Your responsibility now that you are entering the Church is to life the life of faith, witness to your wife and do your best to teach the faith to your daughter.

I think it’s an excellent idea to encourage your wife to at least learn more about Catholicism. Let her know you feel called there and want her to at least know about it even if she doesn’t believe.

God bless.
 
I was a non-religious person when I met and married my Catholic hubby.

In the beginning I was opposed to “organized” religion and was even a bit anti-Catholic. But I did agree to raise any future children in the Faith and to not interfere with his practice of it.(but I still tried to get him to choose ME over his Faith all the time:( )

Through the grace of God and the patience of my hubby, I am now a Catholic.

At first he tried pushing me into it…that didn’t work. He tried the old “I’m the head of the household and what I say goes”…that didn’t work. He tried to prove my arguments false…that didn’t work.

What did work? His example. I saw how much his faith meant to him. I saw him try his best to live according to it, even with me being a major obstacle at almost every turn.

He would slowly introduce info into my life… like this website and many books. Now that I look back I can see how he must have hurt when I dismissed the faith and refused to even be interested in something so important to him.

I saw him grow in his faith. He was able to actually answer my “concerns” about Catholicism (like the sex abuse scandal) instead of getting defensive.

And I now know that he prayed for me alot! One day it was like a light went on in my life… I found myself craving information. I spent about a year and a half devouring everything about God, Jesus, and Catholicism that I could find. In June of this year I was received into the Church.

I will pray for you and your family. I will pray that you have the courage to continue your journey home, the patience to wait for your wife to catch up with you, the wisdom to know what to say and what not to say to her, and that God gives her the gift of faith and a thirst for the Truth.

Malia

p.s. Thank you so much for fighting for freedom. My hubby is in the Canadian military, and will be stationed with the Americans in Afghanistan in the spring.
 
I just wanted to say thanks for all the good advice! Feanaro’s Wife, yours was especially helpful. I think I will just show her by my actions that it means everything to me instead of trying to argue with her.

As for the “thank yous” for being in the military, I would just like to say your welcome, and its nice to hear that from people once in awhile, it always makes my day 🙂
 
Welcome aboard!

You have a source not mentioned in any of these posts, most of them wonderful advice. Yes, you have the Trinity and the Communion of Saints, but you also have…the chaplain!

There is nothing quite like a Catholic military chaplain to explain to your wife what you’re going through right now. DOD pays him the same salary as the other officers of all types in his rank, so don’t feel you’re taking advantage if you ask Father to drop your wife a line or two, perhaps provide some materials that could make the explanation easier. He will more than likely know how to do this, what to send, how to finesse it. He might even have another chaplain friend INCONUS who can see if she needs anything, give her a gentle call, let her know that all priests aren’t child molesters. There is a raft of materials in those little booklets with the stick people, also Knights of Columbus literature. Or, maybe he knows a chaplain in your wife’s area who knows some other wives who are Catholic or married to Catholics and could seek her out, offer to baby-sit, go to a movie, etc. That’s what it means when we say the military is one big family, you know. So, while you’re busy becoming a member of the household of faith, your extended military family in that same household of faith can be a big help, too. Don’t be afraid to ask.

Remember, while you are there, she is here, alone, doing all the parenting, bill paying, etc., and all this probably sounds very foreign and very frightening to her ears IF SHE DOESN’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT BEING CATHOLIC. Stay on course with your RCIA and whatever initiation sacraments you have coming to you, but be gentle and introduce this to her as slowly as she needs it to be introduced.

Another good source of materials for you is Scott and Kimberly Hahn. Scott was a promising Presbyterian minister who gave it all up to become Catholic. At first, this did not sit well with Kimberly, who was not only the wife of a Presbyterian minister, but the daughter of one. Let me know in a private message if you have trouble getting Hahn materials.
 
Hi Travesty, Welcome to the Forums!! You have found a great place to come to while you are deployed. You will spend more time than you realize here reading and learning about our faith.

I am also in the army ,getting ready to retire, E7, 15T, currently stationed at Ft. Rucker, AL. I was also raised protestant ( parents were soutern baptist, became missionaries and now attend a presbyterian church) but dispite their best efforts in raising me, I turned really rebellious and turned my back on God in a violent manner. I joined the army and met my husband shortly after. God nor religion had any place in our lives. We got married and the next 15 years were tough. Finally one night, in despiration, I cried out ( I can still remember it) “God, I need a friend, please help me, I can’t do this on my own anymore”

That was 6 years ago. I did find a friend but more importantly I found the Catholic Church. I was doing a lot of TDY during this time and had ample opportunity to watch EWTN, and slowing starting learning about the Catholic Church. I would go to Mass when I was not at home but then came the time where I NEEDED and wanted desparetly to go to Mass. But I had to tell my husband about what was going on. Initially he didn’t say much, he thought it was just a passing phase. I took the children to mass with me and they soaked it all up like dry sponges. They were 9 and 11 at the time. But they had the desire to become baptised and receive First Communion. When he realized I and they were serious WWIII broke out. Before things really got horribly ugly they did manage to become baptised and did receive their First Communion ( all against his desires, which was very difficult for them to do because it made him so angry) but then he got so ugly about it ( being Catholic and going to Mass) with them and made them feel like if they kept going to Mass that it meant they didn’t love him any more. Basically choose between daddy and God, but you can’t have both.

Since I wasn’t ( couldn’t) give up my faith he said he had no choice but to leave. He could not live with a Catholic. But I came down on orders for Korea. So he said when I returned he was going to leave. While I was in Korea I was able to go to Mass uninhibited and unafraid and was able to start and complete the RCIA process and by the Grace of God alone I had the most wonderful day of my life. 11 April 2004 I was received into the Catholic Church!!! I returned home 3 days later.

My husband is still with us, he does not want to hear about the church, does not want to see anything Catholic displayed in the house, does not like the children to go to Mass with me, but atleast I don’t get yelled and cursed at like I used to. I continue to pray ( and all my brothers and sisters please pray with me) for his conversion. Our God is a God of miracles and nothing is too difficult for HIM.

During the rough time, my son tried to compromise with my husband and said "Daddy, if you don’t want us to go to Mass what other church would be OK. " That kind of stumped my husband and he said we could go to the Methodist church in town. Well all 4 of us went and my son commented to me after that “It was like eating an empty ice cream cone because they didn’t have the Eucharist”. And that is so true.

My parents are protestant, and I know that there are so many protestants that truely love the Lord, and yet there is so much more that they are missing out on. Please, I hope no one takes that in a bad way, for it’s not meant to hurt anyones feelings. It’s just that there is no way I could ever go back . Sure when I visit my parents they like me to come to church with them ( show and tell time). So I go to early Mass then meet them at their church for the 11 o’clock service. Mom has been to Mass with me a couple of times also.

Bottom line to all this, use your time away to read about the Catholic faith, go to Mass, talk to the priest while you are over there and PRAY. God will honor your prayers and will lead you. He has promised He will!! At then like was mentioned before, let your example speak for itself to your wife. Trust God with all your concerns. Boy, believe me it’s hard to do. It’s a daily thing, Trusting God and putting problems in HIS hands, not just a one time prayer, but a daily prayer. But if you can take that step, walk off the end of the plank and trust Him to catch you, oh what a feeling that is. Beyond words…

I have gone on way too long here Travesty, and I apologize. But there are many of us here that have been and are where you are now. We will pray for you.

Take care over there and keep us posted, and welcoome once again!!

sgt. pat
 
Travesty,

First, God Bless you and all of the men and women of the Armed Forces! Thank you for all that you do for us here at home.

I have a somewhat similar situation. My husband and I were raised Catholic, but both fell away from the Church. After years of doubt, I became a believer in 2002 and started attending a Protestant church. After three years, I began to realize that the Catholic Church was the true church, and I returned this spring.

The trouble is - hubby doesn’t believe. I have talked and talked about the various issues, but I am not the best apologist. We hashed over the “Why does God allow evil” old chestnut, to no avail. (He says, “Why didn’t God just make us incapable of choosing evil?” I can’t make him understand that that would mean no choice at all. He just says, “We could choose from several good choices.” Ahhhhh!)

But one good thing is this - he is willing to go to RCIA with my two teenagers that are still school-aged, and we are going as a family starting this fall. The thing that is nice about it is that people can go just to learn about the RCC. It’s open to anyone who wants more information. So perhaps you could ask your wife if she would be willing to go just to understand where you are headed and to clear up any misunderstandings she may have about the RCC.

I am hopeful that my husband can get his questions resolved. I don’t hold out a lot of hope, because he is simply determined and stubborn, and only a miracle will make him believe (which I pray for daily).

Besides asking about her going to RCIA, you might want to point her to the main forum here: www.catholic.com That’s another way to clear up the wild rumors that abound about the Catholic Church.

Best of luck on this, and may God keep you safe.
 
Hello Sgt. Pat,

Thanks for your response, its nice to hear from a fellow Soldier and NCO. I’m a 31B Military Police, currently a Corporal but my Platoon Sergeant put me in for promotion a few weeks ago. I’m stationed in Kosovo (KFOR6B) right now, with Task Force Dragoon. We come back in March 2006, and then we are gearing up for Afghanistan starting in October 2006. Needless to say, my wife is not very happy about my situation. I do think the military is putting alot of strain on my marriage (thank God for 1800-flowers.com, nothing smoothes things over like a dozen roses), and as far as being a father, its frightening and depressing at times how fast my daughter is growing up without my presence. (She was born a week before we deployed and I haven’t seen her in 10 months except for pictures).

As far as talking to the Chaplan, I think that is a good idea. Our Task Force didn’t come with a chaplan, and the BDE Chaplan is busy alot, but I will try.

Anyways, I hope you and your family are doing well. I’m sorry about your husband, men are very thick-headed sometimes ( I know, because I am sometimes). Hang in there! 🙂
 
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Travesty:
Hello Sgt. Pat,

Thanks for your response, its nice to hear from a fellow Soldier and NCO. I’m a 31B Military Police, currently a Corporal but my Platoon Sergeant put me in for promotion a few weeks ago. I’m stationed in Kosovo (KFOR6B) right now, with Task Force Dragoon. We come back in March 2006, and then we are gearing up for Afghanistan starting in October 2006. Needless to say, my wife is not very happy about my situation. I do think the military is putting alot of strain on my marriage (thank God for 1800-flowers.com, nothing smoothes things over like a dozen roses), and as far as being a father, its frightening and depressing at times how fast my daughter is growing up without my presence. (She was born a week before we deployed and I haven’t seen her in 10 months except for pictures).

As far as talking to the Chaplan, I think that is a good idea. Our Task Force didn’t come with a chaplan, and the BDE Chaplan is busy alot, but I will try.

Anyways, I hope you and your family are doing well. I’m sorry about your husband, men are very thick-headed sometimes ( I know, because I am sometimes). Hang in there! 🙂
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Sorry about the above posting. I have always wondered how to copy someone elses post into my reply. Well, I obviously did it above but still don’t know how I did it, didn’t mean to do it and then there it was. All I was trying to do was post the following:

Travesty, Be sure you specify you want the CATHOLIC chaplain, THE PRIEST, if you are speaking with someone in a chaplains office. There are not that many in the army, and you depending on exactly where in Kosovo you are, you might find that one priest will be traveling between camps. And since there are so few, they do stay busy, but they are there for us and they want to talk to us. Just find out when he is going to be in your area and get a time set when you can see him. They are a great bunch of men and I for one really do appreciate all the work they do to make sure we have the opportunity to attend Mass not matter where we end up in the world.
 
Here’s my own two bits. 🙂

I say, definitely STAY in the Catholic Church. Nothing will work better than such a good example on both your wife AND daughter.

Also (to Sgt.Pat as well), have you ever looked into the Green Scapular? I don’t know much about it except that it is a sacramental which is supposed to help convert people.

So, that’s about all I have to say.

With my regards and thanks for serving our country,
 
No I haven’t heard about the Green Scapular. I was given a Brown Scapular 2 1/2 years ago and I’ve worn it ever since ( except in the shower). Does anyone else know about the Green scapular?
 
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sgt.pat:
Does anyone else know about the Green scapular?
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Green Scapularhttp://www.kensmen.com/catholic/cleardot.gif
Daughters of Charity of St. Vincent de Paul (Paulists)
A.D. 1840

In 1840, Mary appeared to Sister Justine Bisqueyburu (a Seminary Sister of the Daughters of Charity) in Paris, France and commended the Green Scapular to her. It’s known as “the Scapular of Conversion,” and its promises are the strengthening of faith, protection against Satan, a happy death for Catholics, and, most of all, for conversion for those outside the Church. It’s to be worn or carried by the faithful, or given to an unbeliever for their conversion. The following prayer is to be said daily by the wearer: Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death
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Latin version:*
Cor immaculatum Mariae, ora pro nobis nunc et in hora mortis nostrae If the scapular is given to an unbeliever for their conversion, the person giving the scapular prays the prayer for them if the unbeliever does not want to pray the prayer himself. If the unbeliever does not want the scapular, it may be hidden in their vicinity and the prayers said for him. Enrollment in a Confraternity is not necessary for this scapular, but the scapular should be blessed by a priest before use.
 
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