Wife hostile to faith

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stinkcat_14

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I reverted back to the Catholic Church about two years ago. My wife back then was very hostile towards religion in general and the Catholic Church in particular. After two years, her hostility towards other religions has subsided somewhat, although she is still very much against the Catholic Church. I get told that I shouldn’t waste my time going to Church, and if I go during a Holy day of obligation I really hear about it. It doesn’t help that she is also depressed and anxious and that her life has little meaning, she talks about not wanting to live anymore. She refuses treatment, counseling or marriage counseling, and when she has tried it, she will quit whenever someone tells her something she doesn’t like.

She comes from a history of neglect and abuse, which may partly explain her behavior. However, living with her is becoming more and more difficult.

It’s real sad because she does have a lot to give and could actually live a very meaningful life if she would change her mindset.

If anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it. In any event, I would appreciate your prayers as well.

Thank you for listening to me.
 
When people get hostile, they feel threatened.

Your wife is afraid. Maybe if you can figure out EXACTLY what she is afraid of, that may be the answer to ALL your problems. Maybe in her past, with abuse and neglect, she is basically afraid of that…somehow you must convince her that you are not leaving her or wanting to neglect her in anyway shape or form. Ask her what you can do to make her feel more secure and this will probably need to be more than just words, take action. Go to any extreme to make her feel secure…I have a feeling that’s what she needs most but in the mean time she’s just pushing you away with her hostility toward ANYTHING in your life. Just my 2 cents and I’m not sure if it’s worth that much.
 
Give her history and depth of current challenges, it sounds like you need a whole lot more help than you can find on these message boards. If she has refused professional treatment, which she sounds desperately in need of, I’m not sure what option you have other than an ultimatum.
 
Go to any extreme to make her feel secure…I have a feeling that’s what she needs most but in the mean time she’s just pushing you away with her hostility toward ANYTHING in your life.
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I can’t agree with the first part of your sentence here, djgang. He could jump off a bridge for this woman and it wouldn’t make any difference in her life. She needs professional psychiatric help with her depression and to help her deal with the abuses she experienced in the past. No amount of reassurance from her husband will be able to fill the gaping wound in her psyche, poor thing.

SC, she is projecting onto you her unresolved anger at those who abused her. You can’t let her keep doing that. Your wife needs immediate professional help whether she wants it or not. She’s a wounded person who doesn’t really understand why she is the way she is. If you want to keep your marriage intact she is going to have to get the help she needs or you will end up burned out and unable to care for her or about her. You have my deepest sympathy and my prayers.
 
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Della:
I can’t agree with the first part of your sentence here, djgang. He could jump off a bridge for this woman and it wouldn’t make any difference in her life. She needs professional psychiatric help with her depression and to help her deal with the abuses she experienced in the past. No amount of reassurance from her husband will be able to fill the gaping wound in her psyche, poor thing.

SC, she is projecting onto you her unresolved anger at those who abused her. You can’t let her keep doing that. Your wife needs immediate professional help whether she wants it or not. She’s a wounded person who doesn’t really understand why she is the way she is. If you want to keep your marriage intact she is going to have to get the help she needs or you will end up burned out and unable to care for her or about her. You have my deepest sympathy and my prayers.
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Of course Della, that’s not what I meant, but the sad thing is that she refuses professional treatment…it’s going to be up to stinkcat to make her feel secure…then maybe she will change her mind.
 
I really reccommend Lynn Nordhagen’s book, If Only One Converts, published by our Sunday Visitor. It will keep you company, and give you insight and direction. It helped me a lot when I was the only one converting.

The Church is the life-source that will bring healing to your wife and can heal her of her brokenneess from past abuses. The Sacred Heart of Jesus is the Heart can mend her heart. Our Blessed Mother is the powerful intercessor to bring her there.

But she is not there yet, and efforts to persuade and convince her may push her further away.

But the same Church and sacraments that can heal her, can give you all the strength you need to love a wife that can’t love you back right now. Your patient and sacrificial love can be an insturment of God in her healing and conversion. Trust in Jesus. The mass and Adoration in this year of the Eucharist can’t fail you. And entrusting her the to the loving mantle of Our Blessed Mother can’t fail.

I am convinced that God gave me the great grace to convert to the Catholic Church because I needed more of Jesus, I needed the fullness of faith and the protection of Our Blessed Mother and all the support and prayers of the Saints because not long after my conversion, after a peacefull and joyful time of growing in my faith, my life got extrememly difficult in way I never could have imagined, and I believe that Our Lord wanted me to have Him in the Eucharist to make it through these very hard times. I don’t know how I could have made it through without being Catholic! There have been times of great peace and joy even in the midst of terrible storms. God is so good.

So I couldn’t help, when reading your dilema, to think of that and wonder if maybe God led you to conversion to strengthen you for battles ahead. He will supply you with all you need to do His will.
 
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DJgang:
Of course Della, that’s not what I meant, but the sad thing is that she refuses professional treatment…it’s going to be up to stinkcat to make her feel secure…then maybe she will change her mind.
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I wish you all the best in your endeavor, but I want to warn you that you are trying to do the impossible. You could give up everything you have and are, and it wouldn’t be enough. I tell you this only so you will be prepared and not surprised when your best isn’t enough to help her. I have to say it again, she needs professional help and lots and lots of prayer. You can certainly supply the latter, but trying to be her psychiatrist when you are both untrained to do it and too close to the situation, is just too great an obstacle for you to overcome.

At least get several people to pray for you every day. Ask them to prayer a novena to St. Dymphna, patroness of the mentally ill, and to keep on praying. Offer Masses for your wife and for you as you try to help her. What I’m saying is with man, especially you alone, this is impossible. You are going to need all the help you can get, and you are going to have to take care of your needs too, so give yourself breaks from the situation when you can, and put it all in God’s hands. I will remember you in my prayers today.
 
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Della:
…At least get several people to pray for you every day. Ask them to prayer a novena to St. Dymphna, patroness of the mentally ill, and to keep on praying. Offer Masses for your wife and for you as you try to help her…
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Great idea!
 
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Della:
I wish you all the best in your endeavor, but I want to warn you that you are trying to do the impossible. You could give up everything you have and are, and it wouldn’t be enough. I tell you this only so you will be prepared and not surprised when your best isn’t enough to help her.
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If she refuses professional help you’re advise while valid and correct will fall on deaf ears.

As far as what DJ said I really think it’s his best bet under his currect circumstances. And you don’t know that it is impossible. It could at least make her feel secure enough to accept the much needed professional help that at the moment she is refusing.

“With God all things are possible.” Matt 19:26
 
Also I think finding a good Catholic counselor for yourself is she won’t go would be very helpful. At least you can professional advise on what may be most helpful to your wife.
 
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rayne89:
If she refuses professional help you’re advise while valid and correct will fall on deaf ears.

As far as what DJ said I really think it’s his best bet under his currect circumstances. And you don’t know that it is impossible. It could at least make her feel secure enough to accept the much needed professional help that at the moment she is refusing.

“With God all things are possible.” Matt 19:26
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Many a loved one of people with mental disorders have tried to help them all on their own, and it is an impossible task for them for the reasons I cited. Unless someone is trained to treat such illnesses, they will only end up frustrated. Even professionals will not treat family members because they know they are too close to the situation. Prayer can work miracles. But, prayer alone cannot make one fit to treat someone with a mental illness any more than it will make someone a competent surgeon. SC doesn’t have the training to treat his wife, it’s just that simple.
 
I thank all of you for your advice and prayers. I think Della is right in that there is no way in which I can treat her myself, and from my experience she can suck up all of the security I can offer and still demand more. I don’t intend to demean what the others have said though, because I am still faced with the dilemma: She refuses treatment. I think what I need to do is: 1. give her what security I can, but being careful not to burn myself out, 2. encourage her to seek treatment, even though it may mean I have to face her wrath, 3. seek treatment myself, because I need to take care of myself as well, and 4. pray, pray and pray some more.

Thank you and God bless you.
 
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stinkcat_14:
I thank all of you for your advice and prayers. I think Della is right in that there is no way in which I can treat her myself, and from my experience she can suck up all of the security I can offer and still demand more. I don’t intend to demean what the others have said though, because I am still faced with the dilemma: She refuses treatment. I think what I need to do is: 1. give her what security I can, but being careful not to burn myself out, 2. encourage her to seek treatment, even though it may mean I have to face her wrath, 3. seek treatment myself, because I need to take care of myself as well, and 4. pray, pray and pray some more.

Thank you and God bless you.
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Remember those saints who endured horrible lives among their own families who persecuted them for their faith.

Having said that, try looking into the 12 steps as practiced by Al-Anon. The 12 Steps are very similar to the discipline of prayer developed by St. Ignatius of Loyola. They can help you be loving and supportive without getting all beat up in the process.

You and your poor wife are in my prayers!
 
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stinkcat_14:
  1. give her what security I can, but being careful not to burn myself out
you cannot “give” her security, but you can offer it. I think that you need to understand the difference if you hope to keep your sanity in the process.

Focus on what it means to be a good husband and what God is asking of you. If you know that you are doing absolutely everything in your power to provide her with the security she needs then you have succeeded.You will not “burn out” if you recognize that you are doing all you can.

Please don’t take away your effort just because it seems like it’s not enough or it’s “pointless”.

If and when your wife gets better she will deeply appreciate what you did for her and that you stuck by her. Even if she never appreciates it, God will.
  1. encourage her to seek treatment, even though it may mean I have to face her wrath
yes, you should always encourage her to seek treatment, with or without her wrath. A good Catholic counsellor should be able to help you approach it in a loving manner.
  1. seek treatment myself, because I need to take care of myself as well
definitely!!! too many people assume that seeing a therapist is only for the person who is ill. But the people who have to care for them can benefit so much from learning better ways to deal with it.
  1. pray, pray and pray some more.
Pray pray pray! God will help you get through this. There are so many things to be learned from being in your situation.

.
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I think you have a pretty good handle on what is required of you. Doesn’t mean it wil be easy, but it’s a start.

I will pray for you two as well.

Malia
 
I don’t know if this will be of any help but if she has stated that she talks about not wanting to live any more. If she has told you that she plans to act on this then you can call the police and have her taken to a hospital. I know the law is this way in CA you might want to do some research just in case. I would use this only if she tells you she has a plan to hurt herself as she might be able to play it off as an off the cuff remark to the police.

Things you might also want to look into with a counselor is the possibility of BPD or similar personality disorders that commonly go with abuse cases. A good indication is scars that have no explanation in places that are easy to hide. Either way get to therapy yourself, there is no way that you can carry the relationship on your own. God bless.
 
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