Wife Not Going to Church

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holydylan

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Hello All,

My wife doesn’t ever want to go to church and we don’t have kids, I am 31 and she is 28. She has anxiety problems from being brought up by a crazy very-religious mom who went to church but seemed to have problems and treated her children horribly - currently trying to resolve her anxiety/OCD problems. She was also scared away from church by a priest who was rude to her. It’s been difficult living with her mental problems but we are prioritising this now and I plan to start going back to church and focusing on it after a couple of years gap. We have been together for 4 years and married for 3 years.

What would Jesus want me to do under such circumstances? I don’t mind doing whatever I need to as a Catholic. Should I stay with her or find a better mother for my future kids? Any ideas?

I hoped to find a good Catholic woman but now she won’t even go to church. I wouldn’t have married her had I knew no hope of her starting to go to church. If I say she needs to go to confession at least at some point she flips out. I worry about her influencing the future kids by them not going to church. Apart from not going to church she’s a good Christian she just cannot cope with what she perceives as priests getting people to think negatively - I think the issue has a lot to do with her mum being a bit crazy so she has negative ideas about the church. She chose to be Catholic aged 10 when her parents raised her to decide what she wants to do.

Cheers.
 
What would Jesus do in this circumstance? He might suggest finding a way by using love, how could love be employed here? You’d know the answer to that better than I but words like patience, empathy and gentleness come to mind.

If she has negative thoughts and ideas about priests, and it wouldn’t be surprising if she saw religious people as hypocrites if her own mother had professed to be Christian but treated her very badly then the solution may be to help her have more positive examples of Christians, and specifically Catholics I’m assuming. Perhaps a priest or deacon in your parish could come and visit informally for a chat, they like cake in my experience too.

The best example of a good Catholic would be yourself of course, which may be a strain depending on your own character. If she sees you at home as an example that may sway her opinions too over time. It will take time, but how long will depend on your prayers and Gods will.

I hope things improve for you.
 
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I think you have to decide whether you want to be the main figure of Catholicism to your children … and you also need to ask her if she is going to get in the way of your children’s religious formation … as long as she won’t object to your children being raised Catholic and will respect their belief system, then there should be no issue with having children with her. I like to think that people that marry are brought together for a reason … the Lord wants a religious influence in your wife’s life, whether she likes it or not.
 
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holydylan said:
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What would Jesus want me to do under such circumstances? …
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I assume you have a valid Catholic marriage so you should continue to improve it using love and the grace of the holy spirit. It is important to remain in the state of grace.
 
Yes, Catholic wedding.

I grew up in a split belief-system family and my siblings are not practising and I was confused growing up. She is Catholic but does not go to church. I am very simple-minded and straightforward so that is why I chose Accountancy as a profession, no messing with the numbers and facts, similarly why I am Catholic. I am very patient but also maybe a bit too straightforward and simple so that is why I am asking, especially as my mom is very Catholic but weak in some other respects of life. The bible says something about one cannot rely on family members even and many examples in there that one cannot.

My wife is super nice, suppose only weaknesses are not going to church and being weak mentally from her childhood. I am very patient, kind and upbeat, very simple. Maybe it was God’s intention to bring us together so we help each other with our weaknesses and strengths.

Certainly would be an easy route to cut it off but then I suppose all family has issues. Hope she gets okay soon. Looking forward to starting church again this weekend by myself. We plan to have kids in a few years.
 
Yes, I am far from perfect. I want to be the best Catholic example and am building up my knowledge about facts of the world to show the kids in the future. Have to work on myself and not just collect facts though!
 
Your job is to be so full of joy and peace and love that she wants what you have.

When you come home from Mass, do you walk in the house all smiles and “hello my beautiful bride!”, maybe stop on the way home from Mass and buy her favorite coffee drink or a pastry. Be such an amazing husband that she tells her friends “wow, you all need to get your husband to go to Mass, it does wonders!!”
 
This may sound harsh. I apologise for that. But the way you are talking about your wife and your marriage shows you do not have a mature grasp of what marriage is.

The time for ‘if only’ is over. The fact you’re considering “finding a better mother” is horrific, quite frankly. Just awful.

She has a lot of trauma and instead of helping her to face it as her husband, you’re preferring to abandon her to it. Instead of listening and understanding, you keep telling her to go to Confession. My question is why did you not discuss this before you were married? Why did you assume after your marriage she would become a practicing Catholic?

What you should do is endeavour to understand why she thinks as she does. She was brought up in an abusive environment, of which religion played a massive role. She has anxiety and OCD because of this, both of which can be hideously debilitating. Don’t undermine that or push her into a church before she’s ready. Is she seeing a therapist?

I think you should go to marital counseling together, to help you both communicate how you feel and what you’re thinking.
holydylan said:
Apart from not going to church she’s a good Christian she just cannot cope with what she perceives as priests getting people to think negatively - I think the issue has a lot to do with her mum being a bit crazy so she has negative ideas about the church.
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If you don’t know, you need to find out. And when you do, support her and be patient. Treat her with love and kindness. Get rid of all thoughts of ‘replacing’ her because that’s a vile way to think about your spouse.
 
She changed during the time we were together, believe the idea was to start going at some point, we were going until about 2 years ago. Yes, she is seeing a therapist and possibly psychologist, I am helping her too.

Understand you may think it is awful, but I want to do my best for God and be judged for it, so by the advice I received seems best to continue in the marriage 😃

I did not continue one relationship as she did not eat greens so I am quite strict, but looking forward to continuing without thinking about anything else 😃
 
How can you even think about finding a better mother for your children all based on the fact shes uncomfortable with going to church. If you truly loved her you would not have said that,
All you can do is continue to love her and teach her through love, pray for her and mabye invite the preist over for a coffee ( our preist has a sweet tooth)
As long as she doesn’t stop you from teaching the kids about God and allows the kids to be baptised and allows the kids to go to church it is ok.
Think of it like this a catholic and a non catholic can get married in the Catholic church as long as they agree to raise any children from the marriage catholic. The church does not force the non catholic to go to church.

I used to go to church sporadically then my children went to a catholic school they started bringing home RE homework I couldn’t help them all the time so I started using Aunty Google to learn the kids then started going to church more and comming home all excited about what they learned that day. I then started going more frequently. Then mr 5 came home oneday and said mum I really want to get baptised and I decided to get baptised too.
It wasn’t my fiancee who got me into the church completly it was my 5 year old and mabye when YOU have children your wife will see how happy and excited your children are and really want to be part of that.
 
In quite shocked at the gall you have actually posting your side of this.
1 it would appear your formation in marriage was lacking. Because your view of even thinking you could go “find a better mother” is horrid. It really shows how you think she is disposable and not a soul who needs love.
2. You say you hoped to find a woman who was a practicing catholic is ridiculous. Church wasn’t important to either of you and now that you have reverted you are mad she isn’t on your exact timeline.
3. The " I told her to go to confession" thing also shows a superiority problem. She will not be led to Christ by a person who is acting holier than thou.
 
No worries, cheers for (name removed by moderator)ut.

I don’t claim to be perfect hence I wouldn’t have to ask for opinions.

There’s a fine balance between strict standards and being too liberal, just asking for thoughts. I certainly have no superiority complex; preparing for a family and doing the right thing is all I want to do. Had many things going on in our lives hence not been to church lately but will do from now on.

Best to be up front about issues and have good debates than be weak or not open. I am not judging anyone so don’t expect to be judged, just understanding what the typical Catholic should be doing.
 
You might try by starting with the Advent Penance Service near you. Make an evening of it, the service then a romantic dinner.
 
Frankly, I have trouble believing you.

You sound so concerned about your wife, and what she’s been through…

Then, you’re talking about replacing her!

My first reaction was ‘of course, you stay with your wife’…but then, as you consider wives to be replaceable…I’m tempted to say 'don’t do her any favors if your attitude is that she’s replaceable. Most truly married people wouldn’t think of separating, unless there was a physical danger, or the person has already departed. You seem to be wondering whether you should go to your wife to help solve her problems, or announce that she’s being replaced by a better example of a truly Christian wife and mother. I can’t even think of this, now. You’re so far from an example of a Christian husband and fathers that I really have no advice!
 
😂 Well, seems like taking out the useless comments judging me, in a typical circumstance one should stay so if God says I was wrong at least I did my research so I did my best understanding the situation, but seems like some people like to say I doomed to hell anyway 😮 One hopes not, 100% into physical and spiritual fitness and here we go 😎⚽
 
Blessings.
It’s not important, what we think. You have sound issues of concern.
First, has she seen a doctor? Is she on meds? She may need to be hospitalized to watch her behavior, & find the right medicine. She sounds very fragile.
Did she not behave this way while you were dating or during the three years before you married her? Did you marry her in the church? OOPS! Annulment needed.
Don’t hurt her! Try & find her health.Spiritual odd behaviors can be Schizophrenia. There are meds to try for all chemical imbalances. But, they are genetic. It will be NATURE +NURTURE. Was her Mom diagnosed? Your children will pick up a chemical imbalance. I think it fades out over decades but I’m not sure?
I’m Cyclothymic ( mild bipolar). My Mom was Paranoid Schizophrenic. My DAD was BiPolar on a higher level, like HYPOMANIC. I feel sane… I talk fast. (I’m a Yankee).Im mostly sluggish in a mild depression. I’m on medicine. I had 4 kids. 1 son, not so bad? 1 daughter, a little Schizophrenic, almost normal. 2nd Son is ADHD. Maybe w a little cyclothymia. He can’t focus on college study. My2nd girl is more depressive. What happened to her out playing, it’s amazing she is happy.
My Mom was one of 7. Boy=OK. 1-girl =Hebephrenic Schizophrenia. 2 girl=my Mom. 3 girl -OK. 4 girl-started auditory hallucinations after menapause. Schizophrenic. Life was hell. ACLU has it they couldn’t give her meds, if she refused them. Something was wrong there. A family ruined. 5 girl-OK thank God. I’d thank her for giving me hope for sanity. 6 girl-OK 7 kids. My kids were better. Grandkids look ok.
Mental illness w fear of church & her not being able to care for kids should get you an annulment.
WOW! You had no clue, she was like this?
Watch carefully w next one. Find out family health, quickly. Do background check on new ppl.
I’m so sorry for her & you. Try to make her think she doesn’t want to be w you???
Maybe, it won’t be as bad as I make it sound. God go w you
Tweedlealice
 
Where is the love? I have not read one sentence from you OP , that speaks of love for your wife.
Is she the woman from Peru? Did she move countries for you?

You really have no right to berate on her for not attending Mass as you yourself have not shown a great example and attended for over two years. Nor, I imagine, gone to Confession.
You cannot judge another when you yourself have been doing the same thing.

Reading your past two threads, you were in two minds about an American woman and another woman, then about becoming a monk or not.
I feel you have a lot of maturing to do yet.

But on a note , If you loved this woman you would not be considering trading her in for a more catholic model.

Also are you guys contracepting? That is against Catholic teaching.

Love thy neighbour as thyself. The second most important commandment.
 
Your response is out of order. Simply asked what a good Catholic should do in my circumstance. Got anything else you want to say whilst you are at it? 😂

Would you rather me just guess and make the wrong choice?

I asked so I could do my best for God and you do not even know me.

Now jog on, will not be replying on this thread.
 
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