Wife talking to other men online

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Some things first. She is not flirting. She is not necessarily seeking male attention. Facts are that the online guy sometimes tries to flirt and she doesn’t tell him off for that, and that she doesn’t want to discontinue the friendship for some reason.

To the Opening Poster I would suggest that Xbox must go and WoW-like games must go. There is a myriad of things you can do with a young girl who has love for you, a head full of ideas and a lot of energy to burn. She hasn’t even had the opportunity to become jaded. You can dance, you can go out just for a walk, or you can sip some wine or tea and play board games… not to mention you can and should pray together. Those things are way more fascinating and definitely more enriching than playing games. As someone who’s played countless titles (my first PC had a 4-bit CPU and no hard drive), I know what I’m talking about.

She says she felt bad being separated from you even when you were both home - and I say she has a point. It must be hard on her, especially considering the amount of time she has. People with busy schedules don’t see how little time they give to others and people with lots of time on their hands don’t see how much they demand from those who struggle to find any free time.

She needs school. There are no buts. Stopping school at age 17 just isn’t good. You never know what happens later and the future isn’t given. She needs to be able to support herself if she were to need to. Also, no matter if she’ll be doing career work, teaching her children or doing charity work, education will not hurt her to say the least. She’s intelligent and creative, I suppose, and there’s no enemy of intellect and skill worse than lack of education or lack of practice. Besides, if you keep earning degrees and she gets no education, it won’t exactly bring you closer together.

In short, she needs you and she needs school. You need her too. Perhaps it would be a good idea to make sure you can spend time together (being in separate rooms, each playing a game on a different computer, doesn’t count) and enjoy the youth you still have, while no one’s development gets hampered (e.g. staying home and not going to school in order that she can spend some time with you).

As for that guy, she’s obviously deluding herself. What she’s been doing so far is not adultery, although it’s not proper for a married woman, either. It’s simply too dangerous and it hurts you. That’s why it should stop. Why she doesn’t want it to stop is probably because he’s important to her as a friend - this supposing she hasn’t begun falling for him without realising what’s going on. You can always ask why he’s so important to her and why she doesn’t want to cut that friendship even though it hurts you. In fact, I suppose asking her how she’d feel if you spent 10 hours a day talking to a different woman wouldn’t be too off, either. When it comes to not brushing him off, I suppose she just doesn’t want to be cruel. Then cutting him off totally would also feel cruel to her. Perhaps she’s being manipulated? Consciously or not, that guy might well be manipulating her into certain behaviours - certainly into accepting more from him than she otherwise would. She needs to realise he’s not miserable and even if, then his being miserable counts less to her than your being miserable. Your feelings need to be a concern and more so than some strange guy’s ones. She’s probably in more than a bit of mess by now and she needs to make choices and set her priorities straight. Counselling… probably.
 
AnonUser123,

I see that you met her through the internet chats – which suggests that you accepted her disposition on the computer when it suited you, and basically still do.
I tend to think that regardless of what maturity/immaturity issues are going on – that we as Catholics (and I assume you are?) need to support you both as best we can – rather than just identify with the insulting nature of the problem.

I think, as a man, you are interested in “solving” a problem – and your wife, as a woman, the feelings themselves are the problem. From my perspective, “solving” the problem will likely make it worse. Since you work odd hours at night, however, that seems to suggest your best time together is during the day? Do you have an opportunity to take perhaps a lesser paying job which would allow you to spend more time together?? ( That may seem backward, because you need the income for some reason – but surprisingly, it might really help, too.)

Now, assuming you were married in the church and of the same faith – I am not one to press for annulment / divorce / etc. But I have only a little to offer – especially since I have not met, and can’t really identify exactly what your wife is like. Compared to what I know, she is unusual. There is a book, though, that I would recommed – called “for men only” by shaunti and jeff feldhahn.
It does help a man see through some of the frustrating habits of their wives, and may be of use to you in bringing fulfillment to your wife in ways that you wouldn’t intrinsically understand are important to her (whether she is articulate of the nature of these needs or not) and hopefully begin the process of growing together which you two are in a very vulnerable position over. That is the first thing to do – because if you can’t fill her need – it will be twice as difficult for her to grow toward you.

I hope that you don’t have to face this man at the door, unexpected, and uninvited – but as men sometimes do violent things – that is always a possibility.
I hope you have spoken to your wife on this point, and what her expectations are should this man show up or try to do things to “help” your job along in the wrong direction – etc. Not everyone on the internet has the same level of truthfullness.

One of my siblings (for example) stupidly got in cross wise with an annulment situation, and was gullibly lied to by a married woman for quite some time – and then I had the displeasure of seeing the quite bloody messes made by the offended second party. My folks weren’t happy about the cow tounges in the mailbox either… Even though things have mostly gone their way and the other man did a little prison time – and “she” who was using my brother as a foil in her null marriage (outside the church) has finally found yet even another man to involve in the mess – the problem still persists after two years in my messed up brother who boneded to this “poor” defenseless woman over the internet…

Although it hurts my brothers “feelings” I am so happy she is moving on – the new guy is doing us a Big Service. And I think that is where you are – in one of those bittersweet transistion points in life. She either will grow, or she will leave – but regardless, you have sworn to love her the rest of your life, and on the day of judgement if you do so properly – you aren’t responsible for her actions.

Peace.
 
So…
  1. Why are you married to a 19 year old and why were you married to her when she was 17 and you were 21.
  2. Why are you ok with working 40 hours a week and supporting her while she sits at home and does nothing all day?
 
Even if she isnt flirting, she is still getting gobs of emotional support from this “friend”. I have seen this happen to so many girls this age before. Its basically emotional cheating…they dont realize theyre cheating, but they are. The two are “such good friends” and they “support” each other.

Generally though, its a result of the girl just not finding the support in their current boyfriend or they’re just bored and the guy just wanting to get with the girl.

She might not realize it, I am sure its not intentional. But its just not normal for women to have that serious of bonds with men who are not their husband. I dont think its safe. The sex thing always gets in the way.

She needs to get off the internet. Completely. She should only be checking her email or whatever, but she should seriously try to break this addiction.

I suggest her getting to college, or at least getting a job. Do you know how batty people go when theyre home alone like that? Obviously taking care of the house isnt keeping her busy enough. If it was, there wouldnt be a problem! She needs to get an education if she doesnt think she can get a job. Maybe when you two have kids she can stay at home again.

If she cant stand the idea of going to school, then maybe she should devote a bunch of time to the Church. You both wanted to grow religiously, she should volunteer. Do something like that. Or just help out with a charity. Get a “job” that way. People cant just sit idly.

Her best friend in life should be you. You need to make sure youre there for her, and she needs to make sure shes coming to you. And as for talking hours and hours each day, maybe instead of talking to some creepy guy online, she should start praying.

There are a whole bunch of “people” in heaven that would love to have a chat I am sure.
 
Lostandconfused, I am confused about why you are responding. This thread is almost a year old. The OP hasn’t been back in almost a year and probably won’t see your response.
 
I think it is fine for married women to have Platonic friendships with men. However, this sounds like it has moved well beyond that and I think it might escalate into an e-affair (if it has not already done so). I think there may be some deeper marital problems at work here so marital counselling of some kind would be a good idea, along with openly airing these issues with your wife.
 
My sisters marriage broke up, because of the internet. Granted… there were already some problems. Her husband had been injured in a near fatal car accident and was recovering. In the meantime, a cousin showed my sister how to “contact” an old boyfriend (via the internet)… just to say “hi” and chat.

Turned out the old boyfriend was a widower… and he ended up “wooing” her away from her marriage. Her real marriage ended in “divorce” and complete destruction of everyone’s lives (she “married” the internet boyfriend, in a civil marriage). Her two kids have suffered major emotional damage.

She now admits… it was the worst mistake she’s ever made. She is trying to pick up the shattered pieces of their lives… and hopes to be reconciled to the Church, at some point. But she will probably never recover her Sacramental marriage; her husband also “re-married”.

Your wife needs to LET GO of the internet “boyfriend”… and get out of the house. She needs to find a job.

God bless you. You’re in my prayers.
 
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