Wife using birth control and I told her I disapprove

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Adamski

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I am very confussed my wife who is Baptist has chosen to use birth control
After our second child. She tried to talk me in to having a vesectimy which I told her I couldn’t because it is a mortal sin and I want more children. One thing that may confuse her is I was ok with this idea when we got married and then read the bible and early church fathers along with returning the catholic church

1- I am concerned for her soul. She is very bright but doesn’t want to do the reasrch into what she is doing.

2-I am concerned for her long term health I have researched the side effects

3- I am very sad because I would like more children.

One of the biggest concerns she has is her grandmother who is catholic had 15 children. But she never practiced nfp and I am even willing to obstain for periods of time if need be.

I feel emense guilt being intimate with her even know I know the church teaches since I have told her I disapprove and I don’t initiate the marital act it’s not sinful. I am also angry at her for doing this and am also angry with my parents for using birth control
 
This is a hard situation. Talk to your pastor. You could use a real flesh-and-blood shoulder to lean on, more than advice.
 
I would continue to pray and lovingly hold your ground. For others interested in Church teaching, I would read the following:*ADEMECUM FOR CONFESSORS CONCERNING SOME ASPECTS OF THE MORALITY OF
CONJUGAL LIFE
Pontifical Council for the Family
  1. Special difficulties are presented by cases of co-operation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish co-operation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist.46 This co-operation can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met: a) when the action of the co-operating spouse is not already illicit in itself;47 b) when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating in the sin of the other spouse; c) when one is seeking to help the other spouse to desist from such conduct
    (patiently, with prayer, charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor on every single occasion).
59 “Holy Church knows full well that not infrequently, one of the parties is sinned against rather than sinning, when for a grave cause he or she reluctantly allows the perversion of the right order. In such a case, there is no sin, provided that, mindful of the law of charity, he or she does not neglect to seek to dissuade and to deter the partner from sin” (Pius XI, Enc. Casti connubii, MS 22 [1930], 561.*…and consult your pastors.
 
God bless you for wanting so much to do God’s will. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.

I just wanted to second Easter Joy’s advice. I agree with her that flesh and blood shoulder would be better for you with this dilemma.
 
(OH- and that’s not to say that MarcoPolo didn’t have a good post too! )
 
My first thought, reading your question, was the line, “I want more kids”. Reckon it is OK and all that, but when you want more children you must use your wifes body, and she has all the right in the world to decline.

I am not familiar with Babtism, so I can not comment on that one, but I have this vague feeling that they do accept birthcontrol, and if that is the case, (and sorry if I did understand the question wrong, I am very tired and should not be at the computer at all but I need to stay up a while longer.) you have very little to say about it. You do right when you are not even thinking about VS, that is a mortal sin.

I do not want to offend you in any way, and I have no reason to do so. You are as Catholic as I am, so “united we stand, united we fall”, but are you not a tiny bit selfish? A marriage is always a compromise, nobody is the “boss”. But I can understand both of you, and I think you should go and talk with a priest, they are usually very clever when it comes to finding ways to get a bearable path to walk.
 
^ He said he is willing to abstain for periods of time if need be, to use NFP. That sounds like someone who is open to negotiation on more children. Maybe the wife isn’t ready for more kids and will reconsider later if she wants more kids or not. People change their minds and there are times when people can feel overwhelmed with the kids they already have.
 
stephe1987 said:
^ He said he is willing to abstain for periods of time if need be, to use NFP. That sounds like someone who is open to negotiation on more children. Maybe the wife isn’t ready for more kids and will reconsider later if she wants more kids or not. People change their minds and there are times when people can feel overwhelmed with the kids they already have.
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The problem might be that she isn’t willing to abstain.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
The problem might be that she isn’t willing to abstain.
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And enter the “S” word. Sex have been, is, and will always be some sort of problem when mixed with religion.

The RCC have a long history, almost 2000 years, and public opinion has going from one side to the other, and many times. I find it very odd that a absolutely normal thing, in this case, sex, seem to be so hard to “fit” in somewhere. When I was a teenager, yes, once I was, sex was “normal” and not such a “bad” thing, as long as I did not had any. But, sarcasm aside, and bravely forward. There are three tings with sex that make it so hard to deal with. A) it is a humanly “urge” or need, and that we can not accept, anything that we can’t handle must be a sin, b) yes, we can enjoy sex, but it is better if we don’t, c) sex is OK if we want children. And at this point I must say that what I write have nothing to do with what The RCC teach, my remarks are meant to be a general view. Sex is something that we really should be ashamed of, it something that can take place only when it is dark, under the sheet and ASAP. That we learn in school. But sex is also wonderfull. It brings two people together more closely then we can imagine. It give us pleasure, and we can and should enjoy it as one of the most important thing that take place in a marriage, and, with God’s grace, it might give us the most beautiful thing we can receive, a child. That is what we hear from the “old” folks, those who have been around a bit longer the we have. (And yes, sex can be a disorder and need treatment.) So where should we draw the line.

Blue eyed lady, you made a good remark, and a honest one. It might be that the wife want sex, but not children, at least not now. One flaw though, if she want her hubby to get “fixed” she don’t want more babys, with him, anyway. Where is your point?

Back to the problem. Yes, medical birthcontroll, in this case, the pill, have some not so wanted side effects, and they do increase the possibility of uterine cancer, so they are not as safe as they should. And the other methods are safer, and I am now not writing as a Catholic, but maybe not so easy to use, or shall we say smooth. So, the safest way is NFP. (Now I am a Catholic again.) Should we really plan how many toddlers we wish to have at home? I say NO! A child is God’s gift, and we should never plan what gift we want, or wish. Personally I would like to ban NFP, children come if God want so. Sex is a natural need, and we have all the right to enjoy it as much as we can, and as often we want, no matter if it is day or night. But as it is with all God has given us, we have a responsibility. And that goes for both parts in a marriage. Maybe the wife want sex, if so, she might get pregnant. Maybe the husband want more children, but he must understand if the wife don’t want. The only solution in this case is that both must give a bit, and gain a bit.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
The problem might be that she isn’t willing to abstain.
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Blue eyed lady, you made a good remark, and a honest one. It might be that the wife want sex, but not children, at least not now. One flaw though, if she want her hubby to get “fixed” she don’t want more babys, with him, anyway. Where is your point?
 
Lasting_faith said:
Blue eyed lady, you made a good remark, and a honest one. It might be that the wife want sex, but not children, at least not now. One flaw though, if she want her hubby to get “fixed” she don’t want more babys, with him, anyway. Where is your point?
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My point is that it might not be enough for him to be fine with NFP, if she is the one who doesn’t want to abstain then that’s what needs to be addressed.
 
She gave away all the little baby stuff and her maternity clothes.

Some quotes she has said

“all my friends are good Christians and thier husbands got vesectomies”

“genesis said to fill the earth and it’s full”

“we don’t have the money”. (I make 175k a year)

I’ve read a number of books on nfp and underlined passages and left them around the house
 
As other posters have said, I would consult a good and faithful priest. You need more than internet advice on this one…but of coarse I’m willing to give some anyway! 😛

first off, pray for your wife everyday. Just a Memorare or 3 Hail Mary’s or any other prayer that you feel called to, but pray it everyday for the intention of your wife and her openness to life.

Understand that your wife is not Catholic and has not been granted the gift of understanding the teaching that you understand. Along with your prayers, try to show your wife the joy of life in your actions. Be open and honest about how much you love your two little ones and hug them often! Let her see your joy and how you thank God for them. Seeing your joy may bring joy to her heart and can be a crack for the Holy Spirit to slip in a little openness. Your actions cannot be phony. They must be honest and without the motivation to convince her for more. Only God can work that magic. He will open her heart, not you. You must live your Catholic faith to the fullest and with the most joy. Seeing you live your faith with such happiness will help her see why you believe and do what you do.

If she tells you the “all my friends are good christians” again, don’t argue but with honesty and humility, you must tell her that you can’t as a good Catholic. Let her know you’d love to explain more fully so she can understand your belief. Let her know you are not trying to convert her but just want her to understand you better. Love her madly with God showing you how to love, and her love for you will make her want to know more about you, which will include knowing your faith. It does not mean she will have the same faith, but may come to understand it.

Let prayer and love for God and your wife be your guide…and also see a priest!!
 
Birth control is very bad for women. There’s a catholic woman, a nun who gives lectures and cd’s on it. Perhaps, if she was willing, you can educate her.

Cons:
She is more likely to miscarry after the pill, or have fertilized eggs miscarry while on the pill
She is more likely to have breast cancer
She is more likely to change her own perceptions of attraction
She is more likely to become less attractive (the pill stops natural hormones which trigger pheromones in men, a natural attraction process of men and women)

There are no studies on how long the pill’s effects last in women.
It may take up to a year to have a pregnancy once stopping the pill.

Don’t doooo it!! LOL. I was on the pill 14 years
 
A Baptist pastor we know told her it isn’t a valid form of birth control because the pill can eliminate a fertilized egg sometimes and she still does it. He said he only agrees with barrier methods. (which I know isn’t accurate either)

My priest said I can’t control her actions I can only be clear with her about the multitude of negatives regarding her choice regardless if she is catholic or Protestant. Almong with controlling my actions regarding my desisions.
 
Adamski said:
One thing that may confuse her is I was ok with this idea when we got married…
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…And then you decided to unilaterally change the rules.

Returning to the Church - Very good. Welcome home.

Trying to force non-Catholic spouse to play by Catholic rules (especially rules about something as intimate as sexual relations between a husband and wife) - Treading on dangerous ground.

My advice is to set a Catholic example, talk (not preach) about Church teaching when you sense that she is receptive, and don’t harass her about it when she is in no mood to hear it. As the one who’s trying to change the rules about how you conduct an important part of your relationship, it’s up to you to smooth the way for her. It might take much longer than you think.

Good luck. Prayers for you.
 
Does your wife realize that contraceptives contain abortifacients?
Does she think abortion is morally okay?

I suggest that you become well-informed about the health risks from bc pills, their abortion-inducing component, and natural family planning. Offer your wife information about nfp (but don’t force her to read it).

Assure her that you will assist her with the nfp. Don’t make it just her responsibility.

I encourage you to pray to Saint Joseph.

Some resources:

pfli.org/faq_oc.html (“The Pill - Contraceptive or Abortifacient”)

nfpandmore.org/

catholicmom.com/nfpresources.htm

natural-family-planning.info/

wellnesstimes.com/articles/real-risks-birth-control-pills

creightonmodel.com

ccli.org/nfp/

usccb.org/issues-and-acti…mily-planning/
 
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