Wife's psychological/financial problems basis for annulment?

[jcgman73]

My wife and I have been married about 7 months. I knew before the marriage that she had received mental health treatment and was taking anti-depressants, but at the time she held a full-time job (though she was and is extremely financially irresponsible). Shortly before we became engaged, she quit her job without consulting me. She advised at the time that she would be able to make more on her own as an independent artist. Both prior to and during the marriage, I have shouldered all of the financial aspects of the relationship, either because her debt was out of control, or she is now trying to start her own business, something with which she has no experience. Since our marriage, her inability to generate any income has prompted me to ask her to get a stable job outside of her art studio until she has enough capital to run her business properly. (We actually signed an agreement that she would get a job by a certain date if she wasn’t turning a profit, but she has ignored this agreement.) She refuses to seek steady employment, and continues to to commute 70 miles daily, pay rent for her studio, along with utilities, which amounts she can’t even cover through her erratic sales of low-margin items. In other words,she’s can’t even cover her overhead, let alone contribute anything to household expenses. She is also receiving mental health therapy again. I constantly tell her how much her business experiment is hurting us financially, but she assures me that things will turn around. I’ve been with her a total of three years and she has not been able to save a dime in all that time. We would be better off financially if she just stayed at home and worked on some craft/art projects that she could sell on the Internet, but she has grandiose and unrealistic notions of what it takes to make a business work. We have sold assets to cover her debts, she has asked her parents for money (who consistently oblige her), and all of our wedding cash has disappeared in her business when we were planning on using it to purchase a car. Now I am taking money that I saved prior to the marriage to buy her a car, pay her studio rent, pay the mortgage and all bills. On the rare occasions when she makes a sale, she may purchase some groceries. The financial strain/disparity of the “partnership” is wearing me to an absolute frazzle (can’t sleep, can’t concentrate at work; resentment and anger are mounting). Did this woman have the capacity to enter into marriage in the first place, and does anyone see this as a possible grounds for annulment? I fell as if she is generally unprepared for adult life, which includes marriage. I want to help her, but she only becomes resentful when I try to offer advice and propose a budget and financial conversations. She complains that I don’t treat her as a husband should, but her financial irresponsibility has quashed a great deal of intimacy between us. Please help.

 

[Viki63]

Dear jcgman
I’m very sorry for the difficulties you’re having. I haven’t specific advise for you but am thinking that your situation has similarities to mine.
Money was disappearing from our checking account and I couldn’t figure out where it was going. Finally realized my husband has a gambling problem. He would lose $500 at a time which believe me wasn’t in the budget. He promised it would never happen again but it did.
The 3rd time it happened I went to a Gam-Anon meeting and got good advice. I pay all the bills. so I was able to close our account and open a new one in my name only. I took his name off the checks and credit cards. It’s annoying because he can’t write any checks now - I have to pay for everything, but I know where all the money goes. He gets an allowance and gas money. He doesn’t mind, oddly enough, and our relationship is pretty good.
You might consider doing the same, as you’re earning the money and paying the bills. Give her an allowance (this is what we can afford for your hobby, dear) and after that she’s on her own.
Please don’t consider annulment until you’ve had counselling and tried all other avenues.
I hope it all works out.

 

[jcgman73]

Thanks Viki 63. Glad to hear things are going better for you. I will see if maybe we can work out something similar. God bless.

 

[1ke]

You need to talk to a priest.

Before considering a decree of nullity, you would need to pursue divorce in civil court.

The Church teaches divorce is a grave offense against marriage, but the Church also recognizes that sometimes divorce is the only way to protect yourself and children from abuse, financial ruin, etc. You should discuss it with your priest.

Her mental illness** could **have been an impediment to valid consent and/or intent on her part. But, without detailed investigation no one can say it is or it isn’t a valid marriage.

Since you knew about her illness and her financial irresponsibility, it doesn’t *appear *that there would be a defect regarding the person-- in other words she did not hide anything from you or perpetuate fraud.

The only way to determine whether the marriage is valid or not is through the nullity process, no one here can tell you whether you have “grounds” or not. You need to talk to your priest and to personnel in your diocesan tribunal for guidance.

 

[masondoggy]

I think seeking an annulment or divorce is a drastic step right now. As the other poster suggested, cut her off. Give her an allowance and let her figure out the rest. She may have to deal with the financial fall-out of not being able to pay her bills on her own (ruined credit report etc.) before she learns. You can’t keep bailing somebody like this out, as you are doing. They will never, ever learn. It looks to me that she has severely taken advantage of you and you have allowed it. Now it’s time to put your foot down and put a stop to it. Stop pay the rent on her studio, stop giving her gas money to drive to the studio. Put an end to it.

Next step, counseling. Hopefully she will go with you but at the least go on your own. Start with your parish priest.

 

[1ke]

I think seeking an annulment or divorce is a drastic step right now. As the other poster suggested, cut her off. Give her an allowance and let her figure out the rest. She may have to deal with the financial fall-out of not being able to pay her bills on her own (ruined credit report etc.) before she learns. You can’t keep bailing somebody like this out, as you are doing. They will never, ever learn. It looks to me that she has severely taken advantage of you and you have allowed it. Now it’s time to put your foot down and put a stop to it. Stop pay the rent on her studio, stop giving her gas money to drive to the studio. Put an end to it.

Next step, counseling. Hopefully she will go with you but at the least go on your own. Start with your parish priest.

The OP should consult an **attorney **regarding his responsiblity for her debts before he takes action. Depending upon the state in which they live, the steps you suggest-- to stop paying the bills-- could impact HIM in very negative ways.

If they live in a community property state, he could be equally liable were the creditors to sue, garnish wages, etc., even if the debts are only in her name. He needs to talk to an attorney in his own state.