Wives & mother-in-laws

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I think I finally figured it out. It is to late for me though my mother-in-law has alzheimer’s disease. I was at my son’s soccer game. I overhead the conversation of another boy’s mom and his paternal grandmother. As they talked what I heard was a desire by each to have the other affirm their importance in the boy’s dad’s life. I think it would go a long way for each of them to acknowledge how important the other one is to the husband/son. It isn’t a competition, but often times we women see it that way. No wonder it drives our husbands/sons crazy. Both women are important to him in their own way. It is more complimentary than competative. Neither woman could play the other’s role in his life. I wonder how it would be if I could go back and say to my mother-in-law that I can see how important my husband is to her and how important she still is to him. I’ll never know now.
 
You are so right! My MIL and I have settled into a nice and loving relationship, but in the early years it was tough for both of us. We liked each other fine- I’m very lucky to have a MIL whom I love-but we did compete for first place.

My husband was smart enough to stay out of it altogether 👍 but for example we might go to her house for a meal and she’d tell me “my lasagne is his favorite meal. There’s nothing he likes better and he always said that no one could make it like I do.” Little things like that- frequently.

I took it that she was telling me I wasn’t good enough. Later, with maturity, I realized that she was only trying to adjust to having to share her son with me and wanting me to understand that she was still important to him. I eventually learned to be gracious about it and the whole issue eventually resolved itself. Respect for anyone else’s position is important- and certainly when it comes to in-laws it can save a lot of heartache!
 
I think I figured that out early in life by watching my own mother with her MIL. It was destructive and so many times it nearly destroyed my parents marriage because my father refused to “get in the middle”. Only death was able to alleviate some of the heartache caused by the perceived competition… but now my mother deals with the pain of what wasn’t ever said or done about the entire situation.

My own MIL is not too hard to get along with but I can’t stand the constant implied “memos” she drops at me. How he was perfect growing up, how his schooling was perfect (because she’s anti-Catholic she likes to remind me of this one), how one of his ex girlfriends would have made a perfect wife, etc. It does drive me nuts. And I do try to ignore it and let my DH know I’m not in competition for his love if that’s what she’s trying to get me to get into with her.

I can only pray that when we are blessed with boys, that the day they are married, I respectfully take the back seat to his wife and not try to keep trying to ride shotgun with my son.

Now to get my ignorant SIL to think of this… my life would be grand! 😛
 
One of the reasons I married my DH is the good care he took of his widowed mother and the way she did not take advantage of it. You can tell an awful lot about how your husband will treat you by how he treats his mom. You can tell an awful lot about how he will expect to be treated by how she treats him.

Now she lives with us, and we all take care of each other together. I am extremely blessed.
 
My husband’s mother said this to her sons right off the bat when they got engaged. “Now, except for God, the Blessed Mother and the angels and saints, your WIFE comes first, before your parents, your siblings, and even any children you someday have. Someday your father and I will be gone, your brothers and sisters will have their own families, and your children will grow up and start their own lives. Your wife will always be with you, so make sure she WANTS to be with you!”

Mom has never come between us. Even the expected “competition” never happened. The closest incident involved one of my husband’s favorite meals. He asked me to make chicken and sausage gumbo and to ask his mom for the recipe. I cringed. We were newlyweds (about a month or so into married life) and here I go trying to do the best I could with one of his favorites. Mom was very helpful and encouraging. And when I finished and my husband tasted it, he got up from the table, called his mom to thank her for giving me the recipe… and then told her that my gumbo was even better than hers!

Eighteen years later, Mom has NEVER made gumbo again!
 
You ladies are so blessed to have such nice relationships with our MILs. I don’t think mine will ever see me as anything but the girl who took her son away from him. She was against our wedding, against him joining the Air Force because he would move away (and bad me for supporting him), etc. etc. Everytime I see her I try and “wipe the slate clean”, only for the comments to fly and it get all jumbled up again. I swear if I hear the “umbilical cord is never really cut” line again I will pull out my own scissors! Maybe in time…
 
AirForceMama said:
You ladies are so blessed to have such nice relationships with our MILs.
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My MIL is abusive and mentally ill. But she is a wonderful blessing nonetheless because she gives us an opportunity to love someone who doesn’t give back. Our kindness to her is not repaid, but we know that being kind to her makes Jesus happy, and we will be repaid in Heaven 😉 After adopting this outlook a few months ago, I no longer dread our visits with her and am much happier with the whole situation.
 
CatholicSam said:
My MIL is abusive and mentally ill. But she is a wonderful blessing nonetheless because she gives us an opportunity to love someone who doesn’t give back. Our kindness to her is not repaid, but we know that being kind to her makes Jesus happy, and we will be repaid in Heaven 😉 After adopting this outlook a few months ago, I no longer dread our visits with her and am much happier with the whole situation.
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That is a beautifully and, honestly, saintly way to look at it. What a blessing on your family your decision is. Good for you!

You no longer dread the visits…the Kingdom of God is Now. That is a great story.
 
My MIL has alzheimer’s and is at the stage where she is mostly incoherent. About a month ago she was over for dinner with my FIL. While we were at the dinner table she vomited. She soiled her clothing. I took her and changed her clothing. While I was changing her, she had a moment of lucidity and told me she was sorry. I felt glad to be able to give to her. I was glad I insisted with my FIL that she be changed. I was glad I allowed her that dignity. I married her golden boy so often it wasn’t easy to be her DIL, but now none of that matters.

Many of us will never have wonderful MIL, but we are still called to love them. If your husband is a good man, it is likely she had something to do with that. Remember she is the one that wiped his nose and his bottom, held him when he cried, taught him discipline, shared his tiny joys, and didn’t kill him when he was a surly adolescent.
 
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