Workaholic husband

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lmc91

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I am 22 and married with a 7 month old child. My husband started a business right before we got married 2 years ago. I work with him on the weekends and I feel that’s the only time I see him. Every day he works from 1pm to 2 or 4 in the morning. When he’s home he is sleeping. It is getting to the point I’m getting depressed in my marriage. Every time I voice my concern with him he tells me he is just wanting to provide and put food on the table. It makes me feel guilty. I get very angry and start regretting my marriage. My husband has never hurt me and he says he loves me very much but I don’t feel like my son and I are important to him. He reassures me that when time is okay he’ll be home more. I feel like I’ve been waiting two years for that moment. I know that leaving him is not The answer. I just don’t know what to do I’ve prayed about it and I just need reassurance and some help on how to deal with this.
 
lmc91 said:
I am 22 and married with a 7 month old child. My husband started a business right before we got married 2 years ago. I work with him on the weekends and I feel that’s the only time I see him. Every day he works from 1pm to 2 or 4 in the morning. When he’s home he is sleeping. It is getting to the point I’m getting depressed in my marriage. Every time I voice my concern with him he tells me he is just wanting to provide and put food on the table. It makes me feel guilty. I get very angry and start regretting my marriage. My husband has never hurt me and he says he loves me very much but I don’t feel like my son and I are important to him. He reassures me that when time is okay he’ll be home more. I feel like I’ve been waiting two years for that moment. I know that leaving him is not The answer. I just don’t know what to do I’ve prayed about it and I just need reassurance and some help on how to deal with this.
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I am sorry about your situation in that you do need your husband around to be with you and your baby and it sounds like he is self-employeed and trying very hard to make the business be successful and survive in a bad economy. Are there other employees that he could delegate some of the work to in order to send time at home? Is there besides the weekend things you can do to help ease the burden of self-employment? For time together, can you both do a lunch or breakfast since he seems to be working afternoons?
Also, if might help to see a marriage counselor even if it is just you. There is only a limited surface advice anyone can give you over the internet and a face to face might be more helpful to you.
 
I had a similar issues early in my marriage. I was commuting 1.75 hours each way to work and working a job with a 50 hours per week expectation. The solution was ultimately to move from the west coast to St. Louis where the work hours are less and the commute averages 30-45 minutes, leaving my family and friends behind and possibly stunting my career somewhat. The lessor hours away from home helped a lot, but I can say that it didn’t solve everything as there were also other issues at play including communication issues.

Have you told him you are willing to sacrifice income and lifestyle to spend more time with the man you love? I would let him know you appreciate the hard work he puts in for your family, but he is more important to you than money and lifestyle. Perhaps the two of you can go over the budget and finances together, who knows maybe you guys can meet in the middle on a few things.
 
It might help to let you know what type of business he runs. He runs a hobby/game store. It gets very good business because we live in a small town that has nothing for the kids to do. They come in and play card games such as “pokemon” or “Yu-Gi-oh” we are packed every night. The kids trade in cards for store credit and my husband sells the singles on ebay for profit. Because it’s so packed he can’t do the listing until the store is closed which can be very late, even with our employ’s help. I do offer my help but when I do help he find new things to do even when he says only the orders need to be done. I do see him every morning for breakfast and we watch the news but then he leaves right after he’s done eating. I go over there to spend time with him but he is distracted by work to much to have a conversation with me. I’m an emotional woman ( to emotional) I end up getting angry and nagging at him a lot and all it does is discourage him. 😦 it makes me feel horrible so I quickly forgive him for never being around. Recently he works so hard/much he won’t make it to mass. I am very worried and voice it to him. I don’t want this to be a habit my son grows up to see. Walking into mass alone with my son is very sad. I am strongly considering counseling. I’m still under my parents Insurance till I’m 26 and they would find out. It’s embarrassing to me that my parents would know something’s wrong. My Parrish doesn’t have a councilor.
 
When you married I assume it was "for better or for worse " before God I can understand why your husband is anxious about food on the table.especially in these times. We must be aware of our priorities. Marriage is a sacred vocation instituted by God It will lead your family to God and Heaven, it a calling. God has to be the first priority. If we gain the world and lose our soul what have we? Is your husband Catholic, or any other Christian faith? Does he attend Mass, pray or involved in any activities beside work. You must be able to talk to him and express your true feeling and thoughts without arguing. To many marriages wind up in divorce when the troubles of life come, and there will be problems. You need the support of both, but most of all God’s support, and you won’t make it without Him. Love often demands that we sacrifice for each other. A deep trust in God is necessary. If we have this trust, it will alleviate alot of inordinate anxiety. Some anxiety is natural, but if it interferes with the solidarity of marriage, it is out of place. I’m sure that if you both turn to Christ in humble and sincere prayer He will answer it for love and peace in your home. the devil does his best to break up a family, and he harms everyone involved. Only Jesus can save the situation from failure. Jesus says the birds of the air neither plant or sew, but God feeds them, how much more you who are worth more, oh ye of little faith. God give you His Spirit of love and peace.
 
Bless your heart. These early years can be trying to any woman’s patience.
I am married to a now-retired military man and we spent 26 years in the Air Force all over the world. Once I counted up seven consecutive YEARS that my DH had been away from home for a month or so right as school started. With four children and being a teacher myself, that was rough.
Believe me, my support for my husband made all the difference in our home’s harmony. Try to see things his way. Like my husband, all his attention is on making a good business right now. It pays off later but it sure can be hard. Make sure to also develop your own interests and still be your own person. It all helps.
Prayers for you!
 
I started a business when I was 27. I’m glad I was single at the time, because it took every minute I had to make it succeed. Most small businesses fail in the first 5 years I think about 80%.

So congratulations on a successful start.

I also have 4 children - so I know how much time a baby takes.

You are both so young - and you are doing so much. I don’t know how you will get through all this.

I can’t pretend I understand all that is involved. I don’t know how much money your business makes - or how much you need to survive and pay your mortgage and utilities and other things.

I don’t know what your philosophies are toward saving for college or retirement - or whether you are on the same page.

And I’m not quite sure why your husband must post all these cards the same day het gets them. I would schedule a time where you could talk to him about his and your vision toward the future - how much money you make - how much you need - set a budget.

And then talk to him about how much time you need from him. Then work toward a goal of finding ways that you could accomplish this.

The business is only two years old - so he is still caught up in the excitement of it. But - perhaps he could bring on someone to open the store and work until the evening hours - and he could still close the bueinsss and do the postings.

I don’t know if that makes sense. But I do know you need to talk and discuss how long the current situation should continue.

and congratulations on the baby
 
lmc91 said:
It might help to let you know what type of business he runs. He runs a hobby/game store. It gets very good business because we live in a small town that has nothing for the kids to do. They come in and play card games such as “pokemon” or “Yu-Gi-oh” we are packed every night. The kids trade in cards for store credit and my husband sells the singles on ebay for profit. Because it’s so packed he can’t do the listing until the store is closed which can be very late, even with our employ’s help. I do offer my help but when I do help he find new things to do even when he says only the orders need to be done. I do see him every morning for breakfast and we watch the news but then he leaves right after he’s done eating. I go over there to spend time with him but he is distracted by work to much to have a conversation with me. I’m an emotional woman ( to emotional) I end up getting angry and nagging at him a lot and all it does is discourage him. 😦 it makes me feel horrible so I quickly forgive him for never being around. Recently he works so hard/much he won’t make it to mass. I am very worried and voice it to him. I don’t want this to be a habit my son grows up to see. Walking into mass alone with my son is very sad. I am strongly considering counseling. I’m still under my parents Insurance till I’m 26 and they would find out. It’s embarrassing to me that my parents would know something’s wrong. My Parrish doesn’t have a councilor.
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I am wondering if there is someone that he can hire even part time to manage the store while he puts the cards in on ebay. This store is also open 7 days a week? He sounds like the kind of guy that finds it difficult to delegate or is afraid to and just does things himself so he is sure that it is done right. At least you have breakfast together right now so try to maximize it, make it big or special and even though you are frustrated, at least try to keep from the nagging or venting of your own frustrations. Is there a way that you both can have a small lunch together? Just another thought, turn off the TV at breakfast so both of you are talking and not watching the TV. Likewise for Mass attendance, maybe see if early morning Sunday would work. I know it is hard with a baby but at least that might be an available time in the AM. I would imagine that Sat/Sun is the busy time with the store as well. I am trying to think of ways to help you practically and work on the times you do have together, even though it’s not enough for you, they are a start to build from.
 
You’re okay. It’s totally normal to feel this way. It’s wonderful to hear that your husband is such a good provider for you and your child. Count your blessings that he is working hard for you and his little one!

I was in a similar position about 2 years ago. My husband was working crazy hours for the military that included a rotating overnight shift. He’d be home at 7 am and sleep all day just to go back into work that night. I’d be home all alone with my oldest daughter who was around your kid’s age. We were newly married and I was only a few years older then you.

It was rough but I prayed my rosary and kept myself busy as best as I could. I found other mother’s to be friendly with and went on play dates.

We have now encountered another glitch. Hubby is unemployed but is almost done with his degree so I’m hoping he’ll find another good job soon. I pray for us everyday.
 
W/out knowing the financial situation of the business, it’s hard to say what he can and can’t do to change his work habits. Or even if he can hire someone, even part-time. It’s generally a given that someone starting a business will be working long hours to maintain and grow the business.

That said, I totally know where you are coming from because my husband’s the same way. He works long hours and even when he’s at home, he’s usually doing something for work.

It’s just hard to be the only parent all the time. Especially, if you don’t have any family around to help.

This is the time when you’ve got to hold onto “the (long-range) plan” and why you (as a couple) decided to do the things you are doing. There are seasons like this in every marriage.
 
It’s normal for someone that has their own small business to have to work a lot of hours to build/maintain the business. Unless he can afford to hire someone else to do some of the extra work, I don’t see how he can maintain the business and accomodate your wish to have him give more time to you.
 
OP, if he is unable to spend more time at home, could you and the kids spend more time at the store? Is there a back office, were perhaps you can all have dinner together? Perhaps you could watch the shop for an hour or two several times a week while he spends time with the kids. One of the benefits of being your own boss, is that you can make your own rules.
 
His business sounds great! And like the kind of place that you and the baby could spend some time during the evenings - maybe a picnic dinner a few times a week?

Also you might be able to take over putting the cards in. He may be jazzed up at night after the store closes, but ask him to come up with a closing routine that will get him home by midnight (I assume the store closes at 10pm.) Then you can do the cards the next day during baby’s nap. That should hopefully free up time for you as a couple/family to do non-work things.

Think of the business as yours also, not just his, and think of ways you can contribute to making it a success without draining all your husband’s time.
 
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