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1ke
Guest
Well, okey-dokey. Not sure how I made up my mind about your post before reading it.
That is not what I said at all.
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SushiFan
Guest
You don’t have to treat her like an outcast. Regular chatting and laughing, like you do with the other employees is fine. You don’t need to bring up the ‘issue’ to her any more. Let that situation fade away. Treat her like everyone else and she will feel comfortable. Getting too personal, sending messages outside of work, or dwelling on trying to ‘make her feel comfortable’ or ‘fixing the situation’ is what is actually going make her feel uncomfortable, and also look bad for you. Just interact with her the same way you do with everyone else and there should be no problem.
IF she approaches you about the situation, just say you are sorry you made her feel uncomfortable, that wasn’t your intention, and then drop it. Don’t get into asking to be friends with her. Good luck!
Good luck!
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on_the_hill
Guest
Uh…no. If she approaches you, smile, nod, and say nothing. She is the one who complained. He has no idea what she’ll do next. Was he wrong? Yes. Was she wrong?
But the cold shoulder is the **only **way from here on out. Until she’s about 30 years old.
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LookingforthePa
Guest
This is the way I’m going to handle it. I think there is zero chance she will bring up the situation. We’ve both been asked to not talk about it. I’m not doing the cold shoulder routine. I’ll do what this guy suggests. I’m going to treat her like a valuable employee, a good person, and I’m going to remain friendly. I won’t bring up the situation and based on this person’s advice I’ll trust that treating her this way, the way I treat all my co-workers, is going to be the way to go. I won’t go out of my way to put her at ease about what happened but I’ll trust that if I can pull off treating her like everyone else that in a few weeks time she’ll be fine working with me again. I think your right. I won’t get too personal, or dwell on fixing things because this isn’t what I do with the others. When I see her, I’ll say Hello, I’ll tell her something about a conversation we had last week that I thought of and wanted to share and I’ll go right to work. I won’t rush anything. I won’t avoid her but I won’t try to ‘orbit’ around her either. Since we can’t talk about it, I’m going act like it didn’t happen. If I’m genuinely friendly when I talk to her eventually, in her own time, she’ll be able to develop a work relationship with me again that is comfortable. I’ll pay attention when I talk to her and if she looks uncomfortable I’ll give her space. Since I failed to respect her properly before it will take time to establish a relationship that is based on respect again. I’ll be patient. Then maybe, weeks, months, or years down the road if I prove that my respect is real, then perhaps one day I can be her friend.
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SushiFan
Guest
You really should stop thinking this way. That’s where you start to sound creepy, as I mentioned before. (I’m female by the way, the one that said I had men bother me at work when I was younger.)
You are her co-worker, and possibly are, or soon will, be her supervisor (you mentioned a promotion?) That’s it. Try to find friends elsewhere. Maybe join a group at your church, or join a club of some sort. Bowling, games, a bible study, volunteer somewhere.
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling with this, but it seems like you are ovethinking it all. Just let it die out and you will be better off. Oh, and don’t talk to any other co-workers about this either. It does you no good to get a bad reputation of being the creepy guy in the office.
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DeniseNY
Guest
You were told not to speak to her about the complaint
You and she do not have a friendship.
You can’t be friends with her
There was nothing to lose to begin with
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It doesn’t matter if she thinks you are “resentful”. This is a work environment. If you value your job, you will do as your boss and HR instructed you.
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LookingforthePa
Guest
I am friends with several people at work. Some male and some female. Is it just creepy to you when an older man tries to be friends with a young girl or do you think it is creepy when I try to make friends with another 40 year old man at work. I’m just trying to figure out whether the problem you are describing is actually as big as you think or if you have a personal bias against older men because of your previous problems.
I think there are a lot of people that for some reason do not like to make friendships at work. What are you like to work with? Do you talk with the people you work with about stuff or do you just do your job and stay quiet? When I say “make friends” I mean they are someone I can talk about stuff with while we are working. Sports, hobbies, Tv shows, and other junk. I work in a job where the work we do is often done while talking as it is mainly labor. When you guys say “don’t try to be friends with anyone at work” are you suggesting we should just do our work in silence?
Anyway, I thought about it some more today. The conclusion I came to is this. She gave me no warning that what I had done was serious enough to complain about. Since she didn’t give me a warning this time, there is no reason to expect she would give me a warning next time, if I were talking to her and said something she found offensive. She would go straight to my Boss, and then my Boss would go straight to HR, since that is what he does, and the process would start over again and this time I would have a track record. That could be a real problem for me. So this should make some of you happy. In order to not put my job at the mercy of a 19 year old’s sensibilities I have decided to not talk to her about anything not job related. I am going to put my job security as a priority over this girl’s feelings. That mean’s on those occasions when I work with her, we will work in silence, and on those occasions when we work in a group I will probably engage with other people in the group, as I am the type to contribute to the flow and direction of a conversation, but I will not spark up conversations with her. I’ll try it this way and see how it goes. I do not think she will enjoy working with me when I am a part of the team. She is shy anyway and might feel somewhat squelched when I am around but that is the way it will have to be.
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LookingforthePa
Guest
Just wanted to add to the previous post but was too late to edit. I think I am a little bit angry that she didn’t warn me. When I messaged her on the internet I was very clear that I didn’t know if I were crossing the line by contacting her about the stuff that was on my mind and I said that if she gave the word I’d let her be. She only needed to give me the word and it was only one attempt to engage with her outside of work. Now, I am in a position where I don’t know what she is going to do. She won’t warn me if I cross a line in conversation so the only way to learn what makes her uncomfortable is by hearing from HR. In my opinion, she needs to be a little bit stronger and have the strength to warn someone and give them the opportunity to self-correct which I can do because I am a grown-up.
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SushiFan
Guest
I didn’t say not to be friends with anyone at work. I am talking about a 39 year old man trying to be friends with a 19 year old girl. There is a big difference between being friendly at work, and being friends with someone outside of work. The way you were talking it sounded like you really want to foster a relationship outside of work, as if you are romantically interested in her. The things you have written make it seem like you have some kind of emotional attachment to this girl, which sounds very odd. Some may even consider it stalkerish. In your very first post you said you were interested and infatuated with her. Then you said you found some sexual things about her online and told her you saw it. I know you said you were warning her, but look at it from her perspective. If you go back and read everything you wrote, pretending you are reading someone else’s words, I bet you would see how things can appear from the outside.
Sometimes people interpret our words & actions totally opposite that what we intend.
I was actually concerned for you, that you were getting your self into a situation that can become problematic for you down the line with your job, or even a law suit. What if she tells her father/brother/boyfriend and he insists she sues you, or worse, comes to your house and beats you up. I am just trying to show you how your words and actions can appear to others. I think most people that respond are doing so out of concern. At least for me, I am not trying to give you a difficult time, just trying to be helpful.
Sometimes people interpret our words & actions totally opposite that what we intend.
I was actually concerned for you, that you were getting your self into a situation that can become problematic for you down the line with your job, or even a law suit. What if she tells her father/brother/boyfriend and he insists she sues you, or worse, comes to your house and beats you up. I am just trying to show you how your words and actions can appear to others. I think most people that respond are doing so out of concern. At least for me, I am not trying to give you a difficult time, just trying to be helpful.
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SushiFan
Guest
We were posting at the same time. You won’t be able to know what she is going to do. Many people feel uncomfortable with confronting someone to say, “hey, that is not appropriate to say to me.” Especially in the work setting. In the work setting it is totally appropriate for someone to go to HR if a coworker is making that person uncomfortable with their comments. If this was your younger sister or daughter, what advice would you give her?
Does your company’s HR department have any kind of class you could take? Maybe a class that a manager would take about dealing with harassment? Perhaps if you learn what kinds of things can make women uncomfortable in the workplace, you will feel better about and more confident about being able to interact with her in a work capacity. Maybe there is something online you can do in the privacy of your home. Maybe being proactive, showing the company you want to be a better employee, will benefit you at work.
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Lorelei12
Guest
If I was 19 and received a message from a much older coworker (who had stalked me online) about my sexuality, I would absolutely have done the same thing this woman did. Not only did you comment on her pictures (or whatever), you also told her that you found her attractive and you mentioned in your post that you were infatuated. The whole thing is very creepy, and you need to stop thinking about her and dwelling on the whole thing immediately.
She isn’t going to be your friend, so lose that idea. She also did not need to “warn” you that she was going to HR- you acted inappropriately and she acted appropriately based upon what happened. If you continue thinking about her you are setting yourself up to lose your job. You may imagine that she actually thinks that you are “resentful” (your words), but it is very likely that she simply wants to be left alone and not engage with you. So you should do just that. If you must talk to her about something work related, do it, but otherwise you need to leave her be.
She isn’t going to be your friend, so lose that idea. She also did not need to “warn” you that she was going to HR- you acted inappropriately and she acted appropriately based upon what happened. If you continue thinking about her you are setting yourself up to lose your job. You may imagine that she actually thinks that you are “resentful” (your words), but it is very likely that she simply wants to be left alone and not engage with you. So you should do just that. If you must talk to her about something work related, do it, but otherwise you need to leave her be.
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on_the_hill
Guest
Dude–you are either trolling or you just. don’t. get. it.
You are coming across as an obsessed stalker. First you 'net stalked a woman half your age (which would be less of a problem if you were 80 and she were 40–but she’s only 19!) and sent her inappropriate comments.
Second, you tried to befriend her at work.
Third, it went so far that it ended up in HR.
Fourth, you insist on maintaining contact with her to save a friendship that only exists in your mind.
Fifth, you get upset that she went to HR and wasn’t “strong” enough to handle it herself.
You are so all over the map with this that you’re scary. Infatuation, rebuff, infatuation, plans to maintain contact even in the face of official sanctions… then you blame her? Next thing, we’ll be reading a post of how you intend to get revenge on her for victimizing you.
I’m not an FBI profiler, but you’re scary. Or an OCD troll. Or a writer trying to outline a sex-murder-thriller.
You are coming across as an obsessed stalker. First you 'net stalked a woman half your age (which would be less of a problem if you were 80 and she were 40–but she’s only 19!) and sent her inappropriate comments.
Second, you tried to befriend her at work.
Third, it went so far that it ended up in HR.
Fourth, you insist on maintaining contact with her to save a friendship that only exists in your mind.
Fifth, you get upset that she went to HR and wasn’t “strong” enough to handle it herself.
You are so all over the map with this that you’re scary. Infatuation, rebuff, infatuation, plans to maintain contact even in the face of official sanctions… then you blame her? Next thing, we’ll be reading a post of how you intend to get revenge on her for victimizing you.
I’m not an FBI profiler, but you’re scary. Or an OCD troll. Or a writer trying to outline a sex-murder-thriller.
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LookingforthePa
Guest
Look the messages were spread out over a couple of days and it was not one sided. I’ve known her for over a year and we have had a good work relationship and had many conversations. I messaged her and told her I was worried about her internet exposure. She uses her real name, real work site, real everything and she puts info in a very public way about her sexuality. Any predator, and I’m not talking about some middle-aged guy that is benign, can track the girl right to her house, right to her work site, and right to her school. I’m talking about the dangerous kind. Any one of them can easily find out all the info they need to target her. Maybe it was the lack of medicine that can make me paranoid but I really wanted to give her a heads up that she was over exposed. Maybe, it was a big mistake to try to warn her about it because everyone is accusing me of what I was trying to warn her about, including her. I know the type of person you are all angry at and you are taking it out on me. I tried my best to be very careful in how I worded the message and acknowledged it was a very sensitive issue.
The next day she messaged me over 60 times. She talked about her art work. She talked about the sites she uses. She talked about her past relationships. She talked about what she is looking for in a man and what she is not looking for. She talked about herself. What kind of qualities she has. How she goes hard on herself sometimes and the list goes on. So I was put at ease because of her very open response. She said the message made her uncomfortable and wondered why I researched her. She said researched not “stalked”. So I told her I found her attractive but I acknowledged that it was a hypothetical interest and I didn’t think it was feasible because I was too old for her. It was an honest answer to an honest question. I apologized for making her feel uncomfortable. Was I too honest? Yeah.
In retrospect, I regret sending her the message about over exposure. It is costing me. I made the mistake of thinking I could talk to her like I know what the world is really like and since she is 19 she might be overlooking a few things. There is what? maybe 200000 to 1000000 million dangerous predators using the internet in the country. I figure they think about who their next victim will be all day long. Paranoia? Not sure. I check the crime numbers and they look bad. I check the missing reports on people in my town and they are high. She has maybe, what, a 1 in 100 chance of being spotted by a dangerous predator? Like most victims, it appears to just be random luck but the odds seem bad. To me at least. Maybe it is 1 in a 1000. Still seems bad. It is all a matter of will she be the unlucky one at the back of the pack. With all of her personal info exposed and alongside the sexual exposure I put her at the back of the pack. I should know. I have a predatory mind. I however am transformed by Jesus. I know what to look for. I know what the red flags are in her profile. I know what makes her stand out. She does, believe me. I put her at the back of the pack but I can’t communicate that to her.
On the other hand I’ve never been the victim of a crime and I’ve been in some terrible places. I know what not to look like. I guess I can’t blame you all for being mad at me. Jesus opens my eyes little by little. I have never perpetrated a crime against a person. I was blessed that way but I had difficult temptations before I converted and they are the reason I seeked out Jesus. I guess contacting her was a stumble for me. Little by little he shows me truth about myself. This formum post is a part of that.
I get it. You see what I do. You hear the way I talk. You see that I have a predatory nature. She does too. I think I get it. What you call stalking, I call reconnaissance. I reconned her for about 2 hours before I wrote her. I’m thinking to myself, this one could go down easily. Oh well. I tried. She isn’t going to change anything she said. “It’s all out there now. What can I do about it?” Uh, change the name on the profile to an alias and remove your address. Screw it then. She’ll either be lucky or she’ll learn it her own way. She’ll be victimized. Let her own friends help her with her profile. It isn’t my place I’m being taught. I just don’t think they are doing a good job at all.
The next day she messaged me over 60 times. She talked about her art work. She talked about the sites she uses. She talked about her past relationships. She talked about what she is looking for in a man and what she is not looking for. She talked about herself. What kind of qualities she has. How she goes hard on herself sometimes and the list goes on. So I was put at ease because of her very open response. She said the message made her uncomfortable and wondered why I researched her. She said researched not “stalked”. So I told her I found her attractive but I acknowledged that it was a hypothetical interest and I didn’t think it was feasible because I was too old for her. It was an honest answer to an honest question. I apologized for making her feel uncomfortable. Was I too honest? Yeah.
In retrospect, I regret sending her the message about over exposure. It is costing me. I made the mistake of thinking I could talk to her like I know what the world is really like and since she is 19 she might be overlooking a few things. There is what? maybe 200000 to 1000000 million dangerous predators using the internet in the country. I figure they think about who their next victim will be all day long. Paranoia? Not sure. I check the crime numbers and they look bad. I check the missing reports on people in my town and they are high. She has maybe, what, a 1 in 100 chance of being spotted by a dangerous predator? Like most victims, it appears to just be random luck but the odds seem bad. To me at least. Maybe it is 1 in a 1000. Still seems bad. It is all a matter of will she be the unlucky one at the back of the pack. With all of her personal info exposed and alongside the sexual exposure I put her at the back of the pack. I should know. I have a predatory mind. I however am transformed by Jesus. I know what to look for. I know what the red flags are in her profile. I know what makes her stand out. She does, believe me. I put her at the back of the pack but I can’t communicate that to her.
On the other hand I’ve never been the victim of a crime and I’ve been in some terrible places. I know what not to look like. I guess I can’t blame you all for being mad at me. Jesus opens my eyes little by little. I have never perpetrated a crime against a person. I was blessed that way but I had difficult temptations before I converted and they are the reason I seeked out Jesus. I guess contacting her was a stumble for me. Little by little he shows me truth about myself. This formum post is a part of that.
I get it. You see what I do. You hear the way I talk. You see that I have a predatory nature. She does too. I think I get it. What you call stalking, I call reconnaissance. I reconned her for about 2 hours before I wrote her. I’m thinking to myself, this one could go down easily. Oh well. I tried. She isn’t going to change anything she said. “It’s all out there now. What can I do about it?” Uh, change the name on the profile to an alias and remove your address. Screw it then. She’ll either be lucky or she’ll learn it her own way. She’ll be victimized. Let her own friends help her with her profile. It isn’t my place I’m being taught. I just don’t think they are doing a good job at all.
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