Worried about a Friend's Confession

[ryecroft]

I have a friend who had been away from the sacrements and I guess because of that I can say that she was away from the faith for about a couple of years. She wasn’t comfortable with the Pastor hearing her confession and when she began talking about going to confession if only she didn’t have to go to the Pastor-I suppose that God must have heard her because the Pastor left to do a retreat leaving a retired Priest (who actually used to be the Rector at the Parish) to tend the Parish while he was gone. Anyway, she went to make an appointment with him as she had missed the time before mass and was also concerned that if there was anyone else wanting to go to confession that she might take up too much time. The Priest mentioned that he had time then and so she was able to do this right then. She spoke to me about it later (she had already told me some of the reasons she was concerned about going)- and told me that the Priest was very nice and loving but she was confused. One of the matters she wanted to bring up was that she had been using birth control - but mostly because NFP had failed with her a number of times. She said that when she asked about it, the Priest said that it would be best not to worry about it and to “leave it up to God to decide” - in fact with anything she was unsure of - such as when she asked about sins being mortal and venial, she was told something like it was best for him not to judge but to “leave it up to God to decide”. She said the Priest was really sweet but that she felt almost more confused - she felt better coming from confession but not as good as she had hoped. I think I understand why she feels this way too - she was not just looking to confess but to get some answers to matters of which she was unsure. Now she doesn’t know if she needs to go to confession with another priest- she said she felt like she was leaving it up to God by going to confession and basically she was told not just to leave it up to God but also when she asked about what to do, she was told to use her concence as a guide and again to leave it up to God. I don’t know what to tell her because although the Priest was really nice and understanding, I really believe she is now more confused than ever. She even brought up some of what she believed was the teaching of the Church and was told that it was best to go with her consience and to leave it up to God. What do I tell her to do? What she has read about and been told about she’s now being told to go with her consiece. I can understand why she now feels confused - I’m confused myself!

Thanks - and God Bless
Ryecroft

 

[DarthFurg]

Hi ryecroft!

This story is quite interesting. first off, your friend is very brave for going to confession, it is hard to do at first, but it gets far easier. As far as her asking for advice, i would suggest that she asks the pastor, or even somebody in the church and it doesn’t necessarily have to be at confession. is regards to your friend asking if things were mortal or venial sins, well, there are three conditions that a mortal sin must have in order to be a mortal sin,

1. it is a grave matter
2. knowing its grave matter
3. freely choosing to do this act with consent

Your friend was probably asking if the sin, in itself is a mortal sin, well that just depends on the sin. The priest is right, it is up to God, but maybe the advice could have been a bit better. I am not an expert on birth control, seeing that i am a guy, but i am pretty sure it is always against the church, unless used to regulate menstrual cycles. Also, your friend should make sure her conscience is a true conscience before relying on it. hoped that helped!

true conscience:
luc.edu/faculty/pmoser/idolanon/Conscience.html

 

[HopeInChrist]

Hi Ryecroft,

I, too have gone to confession and been told that it is only for God to judge. I’ve also been to confession and been told that what I was confessing was “nothing to worry about”. I would tell her that if she was not comfortable with how seriously her confession was being taken or how well her questions were being answered to go to another priest - maybe even in another parish far away. Peace of mind and the purity of her soul are too important for uncertainty.

-Hope

 

[ryecroft]

Thank you for the two answers so far- I feel like I’m being awfully critical of a very nice, caring Priest - and I didn’t want my friend to be more nervous than she already was - could part of this be that even in the confessional, Priests are becoming afraid to speak out about sin when we have questions? I’m not saying I wanted her or myself to go to confession and be told that we’re miserable vermin and how dare we presume on God’s mercy. But at the same time, isn’t the feeling that you should go to pennace a knowledge that God has given us that we’ve done something wrong and alienated him? I don’t particularly want to go to pennance and get chewed out but at the same time when I know some sin is serious and then to be told it’s no big deal - wouldn’t that make more people feel even more lax about even going just once a year or even less? I know that I’ve been personally told by a Priest that no one can really know if they’ve committed a mortal sin because God is really the only one that can know that - I understand that part of a sin being mortal is that you must have a full understanding of what you’re doing - but can anyone say that if they truly knew the effect a sin would have on their relationship with God that they would have done it? If someone truely knew the effect sin had on God and their soul then I can’t imagine anyone ever committing sin - let alone a mortal one. I guess I had hoped that when my friend went that she would have come away with a feeling of contentment in her heart (which I do believe she had to some extent)- but not to feel that closeness to God that some feel when they’ve made things right with God makes me feel sad for her - I think after hearing me talk about that she was kind of expecting it and now she’s more confused about the situation.

I have a friend who is a Redemptorist Priest and I can’t ever imagine him telling anyone in confession “not to worry about it” or that he wouldn’t be sure if something was truely a sin or not so you should just leave it up to God. If she was going to Mexico, I’d have her look him up - but I also know that she’s been at least once where she was chewed out fairly well and is afraid to have that happen again (from what I know of the situation it was either a Father of Mercy or Redemptorist. If a Priest can’t tell me what’s wrong and what isn’t than who can? I’m all for Priests being nice and loving but maybe we are getting too wishy washy on what sin is and isn’t. I’m actually going to do another question on here about it.
God Bless and please if anyone has any more ideas, do let me know!
Rye aka Annie

 

[Joe_5859]

I think some priests, in an attempt to be loving and pastoral, can tend to soft-peddle certain moral truths of the faith. In the priest’s mind, he likely believes he is setting your friend’s mind at ease, when in reality he is confusing her all the more. That’s not an uncommon occurrence, unfortunately.

The important thing is that, provided the priest used the proper form and said the words of absolution, your friends sins are forgiven. That the priest offered confusing advice does not invalidate the sacrament. In that respect, she really doesn’t need to worry about those sins anymore.

I would encourage your friend to try going to several different priests for Confession until she finds one that brings her clarity and makes her feel comfortable. Encourage her also to read up on the moral teachings of the Church. You can’t expect to have all your questions answered in the Confessional, no matter what priest you may go to. You have to put your own effort into studying things independently as well.

 

[ryecroft]

I think some priests, in an attempt to be loving and pastoral, can tend to soft-peddle certain moral truths of the faith. In the priest’s mind, he likely believes he is setting your friend’s mind at ease, when in reality he is confusing her all the more. That’s not an uncommon occurrence, unfortunately.

The important thing is that, provided the priest used the proper form and said the words of absolution, your friends sins are forgiven. That the priest offered confusing advice does not invalidate the sacrament. In that respect, she really doesn’t need to worry about those sins anymore.

I would encourage your friend to try going to several different priests for Confession until she finds one that brings her clarity and makes her feel comfortable. Encourage her also to read up on the moral teachings of the Church. You can’t expect to have all your questions answered in the Confessional, no matter what priest you may go to. You have to put your own effort into studying things independently as well.

Thank you for your anser - but indeed this was part of the problem. She had gone to some Catholic School and been taught one thing and then began reading some of the things about the Catholic Church and also had listened to homilies and in some cases she said she came off with three completely different answers. So it wasn’t as if some of these things we hadn’t spoken about or she hadn’t studdied or even looked on here for. Hope that helps - I believe in her case asking the Priest the other day was her last ditch effort to make sense of all of the different information she had received - and then to be told the it doesn’t really matter I think really kind of made her think that she had felt guilty and beaten herself up about some sins and then to be told not to worry about it it doesn’t really matter I think really threw her for a loop.

Thanks again -
Rye

 

[Joe_5859]

Thank you for your anser - but indeed this was part of the problem. She had gone to some Catholic School and been taught one thing and then began reading some of the things about the Catholic Church and also had listened to homilies and in some cases she said she came off with three completely different answers. So it wasn’t as if some of these things we hadn’t spoken about or she hadn’t studdied or even looked on here for. Hope that helps - I believe in her case asking the Priest the other day was her last ditch effort to make sense of all of the different information she had received - and then to be told the it doesn’t really matter I think really kind of made her think that she had felt guilty and beaten herself up about some sins and then to be told not to worry about it it doesn’t really matter I think really threw her for a loop.

Thanks again -
Rye

That’s certainly a tough situation to be in. I would always encourage going to the Catechism of the Catholic Church for an explanation of what the Church teaches. Ideally, Catholic schools and priests’ homilies would conform to this, but (sadly) that is not always the case. I know that people in my own family went for years in the wrong direction because of the “advice” given to them by certain (well-meaning) priests and nuns who convinced them that they weren’t doing anything wrong. I definitely understand your friend’s confusion and frustration.

 

[Marsha_Adams]

Your friend went to confession in good faith and made the best confession she was able and received a valid absolution. Her sins are forgiven and she has received the grace of the sacrament. All of her sins are forgiven and behind her. That’s the good news.

Now, she needs to look to her future walk with God and for that she needs good solid counsel. She needs to find a solid priest that she can discuss these issues with and reading the Catechism is also a good place to start while she finds such a priest that she is comfortable talking to.

 

[Joe_5859]

Your friend went to confession in good faith and made the best confession she was able and received a valid absolution. Her sins are forgiven and she has received the grace of the sacrament. All of her sins are forgiven and behind her. That’s the good news.

Now, she needs to look to her future walk with God and for that she needs good solid counsel. She needs to find a solid priest that she can discuss these issues with and reading the Catechism is also a good place to start while she finds such a priest that she is comfortable talking to.

Good advice. That’s what I was trying to get at in my roundabout way.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Your friend went to confession in good faith and made the best confession she was able and received a valid absolution. Her sins are forgiven and she has received the grace of the sacrament. All of her sins are forgiven and behind her. That’s the good news.

Now, she needs to look to her future walk with God and for that she needs good solid counsel. She needs to find a solid priest that she can discuss these issues with and reading the Catechism is also a good place to start while she finds such a priest that she is comfortable talking to.

This is excellent advice. Usually we do receive some guidance from the priest in confession, but the main purpose of the sacrament is to absolve us of our sins. Your friend has that assurance.

Going forward, she needs to be sure of things before she acts. For example, in the case of NFP ve contraception–is she married? If not, this shouldn’t be an issue because she shouldn’t be intimate with anyone. If she is married, what happened when NFP ‘failed’ her? I assume she now has a few children because of that. There are many methods of NFP and lots and lots of information out there about them. Artificial birth control is always a sin when used to regulate birth. She needs to look into other methods and find one that suits her body and her life.

As a married woman with children, she would beneift tremendously from having a regular confessor who isn’t on the other side of the diocese (or in another country!). In fact, we all would! Now that she’s gotten her ‘big’ confession behind her, she should go to a regular confession time at the parish and see if she can be comfortable with the pastor.

And please make sure she gets a copy of the Catechism, it is an invaluable guide.