Worrying, correction and criticism are ways to show love

[MargaretofCortona]

In my family, that is how my parents showed me love. There is nothing rude or inappropriate about telling people the truth
How do you set boundaries with others?
Some people see avoid them and setting boundaries as a way to avoid the truth.
There is a high price for ignorance.
An example a friend of mine used to suggest I do something about my acne. When I complained to my parents they saw it as a good friend looking out for me. I saw it as a overbearing and controlling. She was obese and I didn’t hound her to do something about her weight.
When does caring become overbearing or an excuse to be a busybody?
I’ve had another friend similar. She wanted me to try different foods. It got to the point she felt she could order for me at restaurants and pick out my groceries. She’s correct I need to be more open mined, but I thought she was doing too much.
The same way she felt the need to comment on the way I spent my money. I am not reckless spender at all. She just thought some of the things I bought were unnecessary or that my parents still shouldn’t be financially assisting me in my 20s. My mother saw it as a way for her to get me to grow up.
It is easy to deliver opinions to others. Why expect them not to be angry and if they do, they can’t handle the truth?

 

[Lou2U]

Hi, Pelagia,
I think what you really need is to talk to a professional, who can help you work through these questions and your feelings. The internet can’t give you what you’re looking for.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

You need to MOVE OUT

Your parents are in a very, very hard place. They have (from your previous posts) extremely opinionated adult daughters living under their roof. These grown adults can’t seem to stop snipping at each other’s heels for 30 seconds because they don’t agree with not just each other’s opinions but how it is said. Good grief, your arguments sound like the quibbles between my toddler, dog and autistic niece.

Your parents, in my opinion, need to stop the gravy train.

They seem to be at a loss for what to do with grown-up adults who insist like acting like little children under their roof. When you bring this issue to friends, they try to solve things. Maybe they don’t have the best approach, but for crying out loud what do you expect?

Find a way to rent a room, or studio apartment, not at your parents. It doesn’t matter if you’re starving half the time. You need adult responsibilities, independence, and behavior. Even in cultures where it is common for many generations to live at home, this pre-pubescent nonsense would not fly. Adults were expected to act civilly and not to burden their elders. They were expected to be solid contributors to the household.

 

[De_Maria]

In my family, that is how my parents showed me love. There is nothing rude or inappropriate about telling people the truth
How do you set boundaries with others?
Some people see avoid them and setting boundaries as a way to avoid the truth.
There is a high price for ignorance.
An example a friend of mine used to suggest I do something about my acne. When I complained to my parents they saw it as a good friend looking out for me. I saw it as a overbearing and controlling. She was obese and I didn’t hound her to do something about her weight.
When does caring become overbearing or an excuse to be a busybody?
I’ve had another friend similar. She wanted me to try different foods. It got to the point she felt she could order for me at restaurants and pick out my groceries. She’s correct I need to be more open mined, but I thought she was doing too much.
The same way she felt the need to comment on the way I spent my money. I am not reckless spender at all. She just thought some of the things I bought were unnecessary or that my parents still shouldn’t be financially assisting me in my 20s. My mother saw it as a way for her to get me to grow up.
It is easy to deliver opinions to others. Why expect them not to be angry and if they do, they can’t handle the truth?

This too shall pass.

Just tell people to mind their own business and carry on. Remember to forgive and tomorrow you’ll be friends again. Don’t say, “you need to lose weight” just to get even. That’s not Christian.

Be patient, pray, forgive.

Proverbs 18:24 There are friends who bring ruin,
but there are true friends more loyal than a brother.

 

[Jared2914]

1. How do you set boundaries with others?

Everyone is in charge of their own actions. If I offer correction, I have to give the other person the freedom to decide. I can’t make their decisions for them. This is what Jesus did. He preached the faith to anyone that would listen. Those that didn’t listen or care, he left alone. God gave us free will, so we have to respect that in others. This is for adults though. Parents definitely can command their underage children what to do because parents almost always will have more wisdom than young kids. Adult children, being adults, need to make their own decisions. Parents should respect that. Parents do have control over their property though, so it is within their right to lay down the ground rules for adult children still living at home. For example, the parents could say the adult child needs to pay $500 a month in rent.

1. When does caring become overbearing or an excuse to be a busybody?

A one time correction is caring. Correcting every time you see each other is overbearing. It depends on how important the issue is though. Acne is not a serious medical condition. Many people live with acne their whole life. Giving you advice here and there on how to reduce it is caring. If they do it every time you talk, it’s overbearing. On the other hand, if someone has a serious medical condition like cancer and they are not doing anything about it, it definite is not overbearing to bring up cancer treatment every time you see each other.

1. Why expect them not to be angry and if they do, they can’t handle the truth?

Everyone has different life experiences. Some people have had bad experiences which shape their present behavior. Part of love is knowing when to correct and when to accept where a person is at. Every relationship is different, so correcting will be fine in some relationships while accepting is the right approach in another relationship. It can also change over time. Based on experience I have an intuition in what is appropriate in each of my relationships. I am not a relationship expert though. It would be good to do as Lou2U wrote and talk to a licensed counselor.

 

[MargaretofCortona]

Lol. I’ll try not to get even

 

[MargaretofCortona]

What do you mean by your last quote? It seems annoying I have to put up with her behavior and I cannot feel anyway about it because it is true and she’s my friend. People say I should appreciate a friend who loves me. I feel smothered by her. If this is what love is, I’d rather deal with someone who doesn’t care. At least I can hang out with someone who I feel accepts me. And won’t comment on every little thing she notices or feels I do wrong.
It is very tempting to get revenge. I don’t want to hurt her. I want her to shut up, mind her business and leave me alone.
Her caring had transitioned into overbearing. I feel like I don’t have a say. I should be grateful to have such an honest friend.

 

[De_Maria]

What do you mean by your last quote? It seems annoying I have to put up with her behavior and I cannot feel anyway about it because it is true and she’s my friend. People say I should appreciate a friend who loves me. I feel smothered by her. If this is what love is, I’d rather deal with someone who doesn’t care. At least I can hang out with someone who I feel accepts me. And won’t comment on every little thing she notices or feels I do wrong.
It is very tempting to get revenge. I don’t want to hurt her. I want her to shut up, mind her business and leave me alone.
Her caring had transitioned into overbearing. I feel like I don’t have a say. I should be grateful to have such an honest friend.

This one?

Proverbs 18:24 There are friends who bring ruin,
but there are true friends more loyal than a brother.

I mean, be frank with her. Tell her what you like and what you don’t like. Some friends are so tight with you, that they will understand and remain friends forever.