Would it be wrong of me to want marriage...?

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_Gemma

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Would it be wrong of me to want marriage to be happy and cease my loneliness? I feel guilty because I’m suffering with loneliness and am offering it to Jesus but feel guilty about wanting the suffering to stop.
Would it be better to remain single for Spiritual reasons?
 
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married, but be very, very careful; with your state of mind, you could wind up with someone who is not going to make a good spouse, simply because you’re afraid of being lonely.
 
heidi_storage said:
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married, but be very, very careful; with your state of mind, you could wind up with someone who is not going to make a good spouse, simply because you’re afraid of being lonely.
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I would never rush into a relationship. I probably would never go out of my way to seek one either. I’m just asking if it’s bad for me to want one.
 
I think the desire for marriage is just about as natural a human desire as we can possibly have. There is nothing wrong with it.

Problems can creep in if we obsess over unrequited desires, though.
 
I don’t see anything wrong or unusual about wanting marriage.

As long as it does not lead you to sin in seeking marriage.

As long as the desire, if it is not met in a certain time frame,does not separate you from God nor harm your faith.

Big hugs, it is normal and healthy for people to want a good relationship and the fulfillment of marriage. I understand loneliness.
 
Human have a natural desire for companionship. The fact that you are lonely is your body’s way of telling you become more involved in your community.

The human body releases all sorts of pheromones. Being in the mere presence of other people actually reduces stress, as the pheromones counter act stress hormones. Stress hormones, exacerbated by loneliness, could actually make you sicker overall.

That you feel loneliness means you are human and want to connect to others. I strongly urge you to reach out to other people, perhaps to a counselor to help you better understand why you are not adequately connecting.
 
There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage - it’s a vocation - that means it can even be your responsibility to explore that desire. Ask your priest about it and maybe see if your diocese has a vocations director. In my experience vocations directors don’t push any one vocation (i.e., they won’t coerce you into becoming a nun or a priest or getting married) - they help you explore the different possibilities, looking for the one that God is calling you to. To not want to get married, even for someone who is exploring other vocations, is out of the norm (though not necessarily a bad thing either).

And consider this: even the Virgin Mary wanted to get married! 👍
 
I sympathize, but be aware that people can be very lonely in marriages.
At times, every marriage can be lonely.
As many people can testify, getting married for the sake of getting married can be a huge mistake.
For the moment, perhaps concentrate on being kind to others and concentrating on yourself a bit less.
Other people, single, married, aged and young are lonely too.
Maybe you can be the person to help some of them.
We tend to look to others to make us fulfilled and happy.
If everyone does that, everyone will be lonely.
 
_Gemma said:
Would it be wrong of me to want marriage to be happy and cease my loneliness? I feel guilty because I’m suffering with loneliness and am offering it to Jesus but feel guilty about wanting the suffering to stop.
Would it be better to remain single for Spiritual reasons?
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What do you mean by “wrong”?

Consider a married man, who experiences without seeking, sexual desire for a woman that is not his wife. Is it “wrong” for a married man to experience this? If he did not engage in sinful thoughts or actions that lead him to that desire, I would answer “no”. I believe what God wants is an appropriate response to that desire. If that man pursues sexual relations with this woman, that would be gravely sinful. If that man thanked God for the beauty he noticed in that other woman, but then pursued thoughts and actions that turned his mind away from that woman, I believe God would be pleased. IMO Gemma, there is nothing sinful or unhealthy about experiencing desire for marriage, happiness, and connectedness.

Loneliness is a difficult cross. Jesus understands loneliness. Consider His Agony in the Garden when the disciples deserted Him in spirit or any of the moments after His handing over when He was surrounded only by those who wanted to torture and kill Him. Jesus understands everything about what you are experiencing now, and is at your side now like He always has been and will be.

I will say the following prayer for you.

PRAYER FOR TRUST

O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.
(By St. Ignatius of Loyola, 1491-1556)
 
_Gemma said:
Would it be wrong of me to want marriage to be happy and cease my loneliness? I feel guilty because I’m suffering with loneliness and am offering it to Jesus but feel guilty about wanting the suffering to stop.
Would it be better to remain single for Spiritual reasons?
Click to expand...
I’m no expert in such matters, but I’m of the belief that certain longings can be “symptoms” of one’s true vocation. So, if one has a major longing to self-sacrificingly and totally serve the poor, perhaps that’s a “symptom” of having a vocation to a religious order that does so. If one has a strong longing to help sinners get past their sinfulness and especially if one has a strong attachment to the Eucharist, then perhaps that’s a “symptom” of having a vocation to the priesthood.

And if a person has a longing for the aspects of marriage that are (or ought to be) strongly identifiable with marriage; companionship, family, and so on, then perhaps that’s a vocational “symptom” as well. Personally, I think it is.

I recall, even as a small child, not just wanting to be married, but knowing as a virtual certainty that I was meant to be married. I don’t know why. I just did. And even when other boys in the presence (and sometimes at the urging) of a priest had some attraction to the priesthood, I didn’t think badly of the priesthood, I just knew it didn’t apply to me because I knew I was meant to be married and have children, and I knew from the beginning, and in detail, how I would perform in that role. And so it happened.

I see nothing at all wrong with considering seriously a vocation to which one feels a strong attraction to its peculiar aspects. I think it’s the right thing to do.

Having said that, I will also say that certain orders of sisters very much emphasize a family sort of relationship among them. But it’s of a very different sort. It’s “lateral”, I guess one could say, not “vertical”, like a marriage-and-family relationship is. There’s a sort of “jump” from the relationship members of religious orders have, to the relationship some orders have with those they serve out in the world. I can sort of picture that in a way, but I can’t internalize it and identify myself with it, other than superficially. So, obviously, I was never meant to be a monk.

I wish you the best.
 
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