Would you borrow money to bury a parent?

[PatriceA]

\Please go get all this settled now and in writing. My father just died in Feb. and is still not buried because we are waiting on a military burial even though he has been cremated. As my brother has power of attorney my hands are rather tied on this. Please get things settled and in writing. If you get along with your sister get together with her and then you both will hear your mother’s wishes at once and can get her to sign it then and there. You don’t want this hanging over your heads and disturbing your relationship with your sister.]

Answer only if you feel comfortable, but why are you waiting on a military burial? What is the holdup?

 

[Janechantal53]

This is so sad. I can think of a lot of other things I would be posting about if I were losing a parent. Money would not be one of them. Prayers for you and your family, particularly your mother.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

This is so sad. I can think of a lot of other things I would be posting about if I were losing a parent. Money would not be one of them. Prayers for you and your family, particularly your mother.

My post is not intended to sound callous; just the opposite, in fact. I love my mother and would like her to have the very best. The problem is, she didn’t plan for that and I, quite frankly, don’t have those types of funds available. Am I not to weigh the very-real obligation I have to my mother versus those I have to my spouse and children? Those obligations do, unfortunately, involve financial considerations. Is that tacky? Perhaps. That said, the financial aspects of this may affect my relationship with my sister and my spouse. That’s a reality. I can deny it exists, but I’ll have to deal with it at some point, like it or no. I am only seeking to do the most charitable thing; this was the point of my post. I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut and prayers for my mother. God Bless.

 

[shannyk]

My mother died unexpectedly in December and just her funeral and wake and cremation were about 8000 dollars. Her cremains are going to be buried in May, and that, including a very modest marker, are going to be about another 1500. She was embalmed because we had an open casket wake just before the funeral because many relatives, some of my siblings included, hadn’t seen her in a long time and Fr. thought it was best for them for closures sake, to be able to physically see and say their goodbyes to her. It as a very good decision. Hopefully, your family knowing your mother is dying they can make a point to see her before she passes. I personally think my mother deserved to be buried and not cremated, a woman who had seven children deserves better IMHO, plus I know she was opposed to cremation in general. Anyhow, you have an opportunity to settle this with your mom now, and her wishes IMHO are very important. What if you just had to borrow SOME money for the funeral? I mean 8000 should go a ways…There are a lot of feelings to consider, and people’s feelings DO matter. I hope you can all work it out. The whole burden doesn’t have to fall on you either, you have at least one sibling right? and does your mother have living siblings, cousins, other relatives that can contribute? I don’t think that’s tacky at all. Prayers for your mom and family.

 

[kage_ar]

This is so sad. I can think of a lot of other things I would be posting about if I were losing a parent. Money would not be one of them. Prayers for you and your family, particularly your mother.

Getting those things settled early is the mature and kind thing to do. No one should be making big purchase decisions (remember, the funeral business is a BUSINESS, it exists to make a profit off your family and does it when you are least able to shop smart).

 

[Seatuck]

IrishGirl, why can’t you ask your Mother what she wants?
I would try to stick to what has been saved for if possible but would borrow if necessary.

 

[m_crane]

I had to pay for my father-in-laws burial. It amazes me that a parent would not think of the added burden of footing a substantial bill when most of us are still raising our own families. It felt like a slap in the face when I had to fork out money for a man who gambled away millions (not exagerating) including his children’s support. But what could I do he was my husband’s father? I payed for the burial for my husband’s sake but I held the line on the expenses, a simple casket, no viewing (we saw him privately in his casket and said our good byes), embalming was not necessary since we had no viewing. We followed the limo to the cemetery and put roses on his casket.The burial was private and done with dignity. The whole burial cost $6000.00.

My own mother is planning to leave my brother her house,(because he is living with her) and me with the funeral bill. I know she can well afford to make provisions.When I ask her about what I should do when she passes, she tells me just to let the state take care of her burial. Of course I can’t do that, she’s my mom!

I am glad your mother has 8k to pay for her expenses. Do the best you can with what you have. That’s your only obligation, the rest is fluff. Siblings can really make things hard when they have different views but don’t feel guilty, if your sister wants more let her pay for it .

I also sense that you may be a little upset with your mother for not clearly stating her wishes (cremation vs burial) to your siblings. This kind of thing can cause such division among family. Try to rectify the matter by getting all to her bedside but if you can’t then I hope you will forgive her for the trouble it may cause. I will pray that your mom will have the courage to face this decision so you don’t have division with your siblings.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

You do not have an obligation to go into debt to pay for your mother’s funeral. How many sister’s do you have? 1 or 2? With mom’s 8K, plus $1000 from each of you, that’s 10-11K which may just cover the costs of a more traditional funeral as long as you are frugal.

Since your mother is still living, this is what I would do. First, speak to our priest to be sure you know exactly what is expected for a Catholic funeral and burial. And also so you can say “I spoke to Fr X and he said…” Then, speak to your mother. With your sisters there. Ask her what she wants, try to get her to be as specific as possible and write it down yourself. If your sisters aren’t there, tape record the conversation, or ask Fr to come along to be your ‘witness’.

Then based on these facts, call the funeral home and see what you can afford on the budget you know you have. Ask the funeral director for deals, discounts, pre-arrangement specials. You may need to put down a deposit. Get the whole plan in writing and a receipt.

You shouldn’t need to pay more than what you have and certainly not more than what your husband is willing to borrow. The church does allow cremation, you are not disrespecting your mother or her memory etc by having the funeral you can afford. You are not being cheap on purpose, you are just cutting your coat to fit your cloth which is what we all have to do.

I’m really sorry, I haven’t been clear at all…the question isn’t if my Mom would be buried, it’s the disposition of the body. My original post said “buried” and that wasn’t entirely accurate. I should have specified that my sister wants the traditional casket burial, not a cremation with burial afterward. We aren’t clear what my Mom wants because she hasn’t written anything down and has told us different things. Pricing it thus far, it appears the $8,000 she has would not cover the cost of a traditional burial with casket, vault, headstone, etc. So, my real dilemma is: What obligation do I have as her daughter to have a casket burial versus a cremation/burial if she hasn’t been clear about her wishes? Should I borrow money to do this (my husband is opposed to this and wants us to spend no more than $1000 of our family’s budget out of pocket beyond the $8K)? And, lastly, what are my obligations in terms of keeping peace with other family members? Sorry I wasn’t clear. This is all very stressful. Thanks again.

 

[jmcrae]

I’m really sorry, I haven’t been clear at all…the question isn’t if my Mom would be buried, it’s the disposition of the body. My original post said “buried” and that wasn’t entirely accurate. I should have specified that my sister wants the traditional casket burial, not a cremation with burial afterward. We aren’t clear what my Mom wants because she hasn’t written anything down and has told us different things. Pricing it thus far, it appears the $8,000 she has would not cover the cost of a traditional burial with casket, vault, headstone, etc. So, my real dilemma is: What obligation do I have as her daughter to have a casket burial versus a cremation/burial if she hasn’t been clear about her wishes? Should I borrow money to do this (my husband is opposed to this and wants us to spend no more than $1000 of our family’s budget out of pocket beyond the $8K)? And, lastly, what are my obligations in terms of keeping peace with other family members? Sorry I wasn’t clear. This is all very stressful. Thanks again.

Has your mother appointed one of you to be in charge of the funeral? If so, leave it to that person, and help them out as best you can to do whatever they think is best. If not, then maybe draw straws among yourselves to appoint someone to be in charge of her funeral, and then let that person make the decisions, without argument.

 

[ack]

Answer only if you feel comfortable, but why are you waiting on a military burial? What is the holdup?

Although this may not be the situation of the person you’re replying to, in the US many military officers are eligible for burial at Arlington Cemetery in Washington, DC. Ordinary funerals there must be scheduled months in advance, so one option is to cremate the body and save the ashes for the burial.

I’m not sure how Catholic teaching on burials applies to that situation.

 

[PatriceA]

Although this may not be the situation of the person you’re replying to, in the US many military officers are eligible for burial at Arlington Cemetery in Washington, DC. Ordinary funerals there must be scheduled months in advance, so one option is to cremate the body and save the ashes for the burial.

I’m not sure how Catholic teaching on burials applies to that situation.

I was curious, as my husband is a military officer, and I’ve never heard of a delay.

 

[kage_ar]

Although this may not be the situation of the person you’re replying to, in the US many military officers are eligible for burial at Arlington Cemetery in Washington, DC. Ordinary funerals there must be scheduled months in advance, so one option is to cremate the body and save the ashes for the burial.

I’m not sure how Catholic teaching on burials applies to that situation.

Catholic teaching is that the body must be treated with respect, and at this time cremains must be buried instead of scattered. As long as they are to be buried and are treated with RESPECT before burial, your pastor will ususally permit a delay for a burial at Arlington.

 

[Seatuck]

It should also be said that while the church allows for cremation it does not prefer it. The body should also be present for the funeral rites and cremated afterward. I imagine this doesn’t really help with the cost much.

usccb.org/liturgy/cremation.shtml

 

[eucharisteo]

On the day of my dad’s funeral arrangements I told them I would use his military benefit and bury him in a military coffin provided for free. It was embarrassing but it was the best I could do considering I spend all my money during my life barely making ends meet. Two of his cousin’s, quite well off, wrote a check out for the entire funeral that paid for a modest alternative coffin I believed they were hoping for to save dignity or something. They said that my dad had a very difficult life and that it was the least they could do… I humbled myself to allow it for dad’s sake and to show I wasn’t doing it to be bitter to dad, even though I was very angry at him. I would never go into debt to bury someone. But I’m putting it in my will that if the cost is the same or less that I want to be buried in a military provided lot and coffin because I earned it…It was one of the last expendables issued to me. My wife wants it too. It’s good to be humble and lowly.