Would you expect that therapists at Catholic Social Services would be Catholic?

[maryalene]

Or at least understand the Catholic perspective on issues? I am so frustrated, and I just need to vent for a moment. DH is working through some issues and asked me to make an appointment with a counselor for him. I called our Catholic Social Services, and his appointment was yesterday. Well, apparently, they spent the entire session discussing one issue. The Catholic Church has a very definate position on this issue. DH said he spent half the session trying to convince the therapist that this issue was indeed a problem and a behavior he wanted to change. I think the therapist finally said, well, I don’t agree with you, but here are some suggestions. I am so disheartened. DH was really resistant to talking to someone, and it was a huge leap for him to agree to see a therapist. He has some things from his past that I really think affect our marriage and family, and I was hoping that they would discuss those matters, but instead they focussed on this one issue. DH was so upset when he came home that there is no chance that he will try therapy again. I could just :crying:

 

[Liberian]

Mary Alene,

Yes, I would expect that if Catholic Social Services hired a therapist, that therapist would at the very least sign a statement agreeing to counsel in accordance with the teachings of the Catholic Church.

I’m very sorry to hear about your husband’s experience. Perhaps he will change his mind, though … in the meantime, let us pray for him. And you.

• Liberian

 

[YinYangMom]

maryalene:

Or at least understand the Catholic perspective on issues? I am so frustrated, and I just need to vent for a moment. DH is working through some issues and asked me to make an appointment with a counselor for him. I called our Catholic Social Services, and his appointment was yesterday. Well, apparently, they spent the entire session discussing one issue. The Catholic Church has a very definate position on this issue. DH said he spent half the session trying to convince the therapist that this issue was indeed a problem and a behavior he wanted to change. I think the therapist finally said, well, I don’t agree with you, but here are some suggestions. I am so disheartened. DH was really resistant to talking to someone, and it was a huge leap for him to agree to see a therapist. He has some things from his past that I really think affect our marriage and family, and I was hoping that they would discuss those matters, but instead they focussed on this one issue. DH was so upset when he came home that there is no chance that he will try therapy again. I could just :crying:

Wait…
Dismiss a therapist on one session?

Speaking from experience…by the time we finally get to therapy we think we already know what the problem is and are seeking solutions only from the therapist.

In actuality, what happens is it takes about 3 sessions to recognize that there’s a lot more behind the reason you went there in the first place.

As you noted, you know there are many other issues you wanted opened, but that’s not the way therapy works. In time, yes, all the issues get covered, and actually, a lot of the issues are tied to one or two - so that once the one or two are resovlved the rest become non-issues.

So, please do not let your huband become disheartened by this. You and he had unrealistic expectations going into the session.

In the meantime, however, call the therapist and ask for his educational background. Ask if he practices within the guidelines of Catholic teaching, seeing as he works for Catholic Social Services, you should be able to ask that question and expect an answer. If he says he does not, then ask him for the reference of another therapist who does practice according to the Faith, then have your husband sign up with that person.

It is not a bad thing to try out different therapists, provided it’s not because the therapist is actually making progress by insisting you delve into issues you are too afraid to face. Many people prefer to share just enough info to pass the hour, but not enough to get to the root of the matter. That’s a waste of time and money and very deceiving for all involved.

But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case for your husband. He sounds like he really wants help so he should stand his ground and make sure he gets the best available. That means trying other therapists until he finds the one he’s most comfortable working with and who he feels he can trust to not mislead him. Never, ever let an incompetent interfere with your own personal and spiritual growth. Help your hubby fight for his right to get his issues resolved.

 

[maryalene]

Thank you both for your replies. My husband is a bit in denial that he has any issues even though they seem plainly evident to me. He refuses to even entertain that notion that his past could effect how he parents and acts as a husband. Last year, I went to marital counseling alone for a few months because DH refused to talk with anyone about our relationship. (I stopped going when my therapist took a new job). He barely talks to me about things that bother him. About two weeks ago, some things came to light that really was the last straw for me. DH offered at that time to start seeing a therapist. I don’t think he necessarily wanted to, but he was willing for for the sake of the marriage, kwim?

I hate to be purposely vague, but I’m not quite comfortable laying everything out in black and white. However, I think you can use your imagination to fill in the blacks. DH tells the therapist ‘I have x habit, and it is hurting my marriage.’ The therapist said ‘you’re normal, what’s the problem.’ DH asked him if he was Catholic, and the therapist told him he was raised Catholic but made some lifestyle changes that don’t agree with Church teaching (DH thought he was homosexual). The therapist said he didn’t belong to any church. So apparently, the first half of the session entailed the therapist asking questions about x habit and telling DH he was normal, nothing to worry about. DH finally said but it’s hurting my marriage so what can I do. I guess at this point the therapist did give him a few suggestions to change his behavior. But DH was absolutely livid when he came home, and he was upset at me for making an appointment to discuss such a personal issue with someone who made him feel silly.

So, I feel like the one opportunity for DH to get professional help has come and gone. He only went this once because our relationship was at the breaking point, and now that things have significantly improved over the past two weeks, I don’t see that he’ll feel it important to try again. I’m really just very upset at myself. I had the feeling that my marital counselor wasn’t Catholic, and it crossed my mind that maybe I should ask some questions before scheduling DH’s appointment but I didn’t. I could just kick myself now. The only thing that consoles me is the fact that DH promised to go to confession too so I hope our priest will have some words of wisdom to help him.

I’m sorry this is so long, but I appreciate you listening. I feel lousy that I placed my husband in such an uncomfortable situation, and I feel lousy that I don’t think DH will ever seek help for other issues involving his past that, IMO, need to be addressed much urgently than the one he spoke to the therapist about. In hidsight though, I probably did have too high of hopes.

 

[KCT]

These days, no I wouldn’t. I would think they should counsel in line w/ church teachings. I’d call and complain!

Can you call back and ask for someone who IS on board with church teachings? If not, try Greg Popcak’s website. He even does phone counseling, which maybe your dh would agree to. (exceptionalmarriages.com) --KCT

 

[felra]

My husband is a bit in denial that he has any issues even though they seem plainly evident to me. …He barely talks to me about things that bother him. About two weeks ago, some things came to light that really was the last straw for me. DH offered at that time to start seeing a therapist. I don’t think he necessarily wanted to, but he was willing for for the sake of the marriage, kwim?

DH finally said but it’s hurting my marriage so what can I do. I guess at this point the therapist did give him a few suggestions to change his behavior. But DH was absolutely livid when he came home, and he was upset at me for making an appointment to discuss such a personal issue with someone who made him feel silly.

So, I feel like the one opportunity for DH to get professional help has come and gone. He only went this once because our relationship was at the breaking point, and now that things have significantly improved over the past two weeks, I don’t see that he’ll feel it important to try again. I’m really just very upset at myself.

I feel lousy that I placed my husband in such an uncomfortable situation, and I feel lousy that I don’t think DH will ever seek help for other issues involving his past that, …,** I probably did have too high of hopes.**

If you read your above highlighted statements, it appears obvious that your DH was seeking therapy more to appease you and to diffuse an emotional precipitant. Your DH needs to take some responsibility for his unacceptable behavior and the negative impact upon the marriage.You are assumming all the responsibility for the false start of* his* first foray in seeking needed therapy and blaming the defunct therapist and yourself for his withdrawl from therapy.

If anything, you need to have DH locate and make his own appointment with a therapist to his liking, otherwise, DH will always hold the trump card to blame you for the “failure” of the therapy/therapist to bring about the needed change. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink, but, you can attempt to make him thirsty (for therapy, for change) by not allowing him to feel comfortable with and shift blame for his unacceptable behavior onto you. I would seek out your own Catholic therapist to develop your coping and confrontative strategies to put the heat on DH to recognize his need for and to take responsibility for his own change.

Yes, a therapist working at Catholic Charities is supposed to uphold and provide service totally in accord with sound Catholic teaching and values, regardless of their personal values and beliefs. DH should be the one to voice complaint for the poor service *rendered to him *at a Catholic mental health agency, not you.

I will be praying for you situation.

 

[maryalene]

Thanks for the link KCT - I’ll pass it on to my DH.

Felra, I think your reply is spot on. One of the issues that DH and I discuss time and time again is that fact that (I think) he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. Things are much, much better than they were a year ago, but I think we still have a long way to go. Unfortunately, I am also still at that desperate point in trying to salvage things that I am grasping at whatever I can get. In my mind, even if he was going for the wrong reasons, at least he was going. But maybe I am trying to hard to change someone who doesn’t want to change.

 

[YinYangMom]

It’s wonderful that things improved slightly.

It’s wonderful that hubby will go to confession.

To celebrate the new beginning, why not start one with a Catholic marriage retreat through your diocese??

Ask your priest to recommend which would be best for you and hubby (taking into consideration his issues)…would it be retrouville? would it be marriage encounter? Cursillos?

People on this board say all those are absolutely wonderful.

 

[maryalene]

YinYangMom, I think a rotrouville weekend would do us wonders. Looking up dates for the next weekend in our area was on my to do list for today!

I hope my posts yesterday didn’t seem too irrational or convoluted. I was feeling a bit emotional and had no one to talk with IRL. I appreciate you guys listening and offering suggestions and comments. I think I feel much better today.

 

[YinYangMom]

maryalene:

I hope my posts yesterday didn’t seem too irrational or convoluted. I was feeling a bit emotional and had no one to talk with IRL. I appreciate you guys listening and offering suggestions and comments. I think I feel much better today.

Never fret about that stuff - we’re family, right? It’s what we’re here for.

Peace!

YYM