Would you?

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BlestOne

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OK… I am starting to think there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am cold-hearted or something. For the life of me I can’t understand my co-worker’s actions today.

All morning long she was complaining about feeling like her blood pressure was up. I suggested that she go to the doctors office during lunch and have it checked. She said that she had a cuff at home, and I suggested that if she were right and it is up that the nurse could tell the doctor right away and she could get her blood pressure meds changed if needed. She just started taking meds last week. Anyway, she kinda scoffed at the idea and mentions that maybe she would just go home. I mentioned that I had a 1 pm meeting and then after lunch the boss asked me to run into the neighboring town (half hour away) to get a man there to sign some payroll checks that needed to have 2 signatures. She was mad because this meant to her that she would need to stay and do her job because I would not be there to cover for her.

So, after lunch, about 2 pm when I returned to the office she said a “friend” had died and she was going home and she didn’t know if she would be in tomorrow. I said fine… I mean what else was I supposed to say? It isn’t up to me and the boss was letting her go home. What I am having a hard time understanding is why she (1) needed to go home and (2) needed to take tomorrow off too. I mean it isn’t a relative… it is a bar buddy… a friend… and there is no way a funeral or wake would be scheduled tomorrow… the guy died mowing his lawn at noon today. I feel for the guy’s family and all… I guess I just don’t understand going home when a non relative dies.

I admit there is a part of me that doubts she is all that broken up about it… she was trying to find an excuse to go home earlier in the day. Since I have been working there (3 yrs) she has gone to more funerals than anyone I know (this will be 6 or 7)… but she didn’t show up for a very close co-workers mom’s funeral or for the bosses nephew’s funeral… to show support for the grieving family.

So my questions are… is it typical to go home and/or take time off for a “friend” not a close family friend… just a friend that she drinks with at the bars quite often? And second question… do I come off as totally cold hearted because I wouldn’t take time off for a (not close) friend because I am depended on at work?
 
**Seems like there are several possibilities…

a) she just makes a lot of excuses to get out of work and this friend, as cold as it sounds, died at a convenient time for her

b) this guy was more than a friend but she can’t let on

c) she sincerely feels loss deeply and had legitimate reasons for not attending the funerals you mentioned

etc etc etc

The point though is that as Christians we are called to charity. Unless you have direct proof, take her at her word. Assume the best about her. You don’t have to like her but God wants you to love her.

As for what I would personally do about the death of a friend? If I was close to the person it would hit me hard. It wouldn’t matter if they were my “bar buddy” or my “coffee buddy” or my “go for a walk once a month buddy”… and more than likely losing someone around my own age to something sudden and tragic would affect my own view of my mortality (as well as my loved ones) and I may need some time to process all of that. But I can’t say if I would take time off of work or not…I guess it would depend. But I won’t say that I wouldn’t.

edit: wanted to ask if anyone that is a not too close friend of yours has ever died? If not, you can’t know for sure how you’d handle it. If yes then, no, I don’t think you are cold… we all handle life in our own way. There may be things you would do (or not do) that I wouldn’t.
**
 
My husband stayed home from work the day his Navy buddy’s FIL died, and we lived 700 miles away. I did go to work that day but I had a very difficult time concentrating. We knew him well when we were stationed there.

Malia’s advice is excellant. Your co-worker could very well be making excuses but you can’t say for sure.

As far as what’s normal in the case of a death everyone is different. Some people react very strongly to death of someone they knew just in passing, part of it may be a frightening reminder of how fragile life is.
 
I figured it wasn’t my business if the boss let her go home… it isn’t my call, so that part is sort of a non-issue. As for friends dying… yes I have… but that may be precisely why I am this way. I had not one but 3 boyfriends (well 1 current and 2 ex’s) die in high school. One (current) died in a freak medical incident… his orthodontist cut his tongue accidentally and it caused a bacterial infection that caused blood clots all over his body and after losing over 50 lbs in a few weeks his body gave out and he died. I was crushed… but I wasn’t allowed to show my feelings in front of my family although they allowed me to go to the funeral. The other two (ex’s) were hideous horrible events… one was climbing into the back of a pick up after school and the driver didn’t see him and took off… he fell out and landed on his head and died instantly. It was a bloody scene. The other one was decapitated. He was riding around town with a known drug dealer and the drug dealer ran a red light and t-boned another car. ex-Boyfriend was thrown from the car and was decapitated by the other car. I was a volunteer fire fighter and went on the call. The chief saw who it was and forbid me to go closer but being an emotional 17 yo, I went in anyway… and saw the whole scene. By the time my chief saw what I had done, he sent my current bf in to remove me from the scene with his best friend. Both of these two were kind of gruesome and I don’t like to think about them. A few years later the chief died… I was very close to him, he was like a second dad to me. I was in college and I took classes off for the funeral but not more than that.

My own dad and ex FIL have passed away and alot of my older relatives… (I spent a week with family both times) but for non-family, I pray for them, go to the funerals, If I live close by, I make sure I spend time with their loved ones but I only take the time off for the funerals… not more than that.

Malia, you are right, I have to just assume the best… it is hard with her track record but I have to anyway.
 
rayne89 said:
As far as what’s normal in the case of a death everyone is different. Some people react very strongly to death of someone they knew just in passing, part of it may be a frightening reminder of how fragile life is.
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Thank you for this! I guess it may very well be that I view life and death totally different than she does. I find great solace in knowing that they are with God and my co-worker doesn’t really have alot of faith… I never thought of it this way. I still suspect that it was opportune timing, but yes… maybe she doesn’t feel the peace about someone passing that I feel… so maybe it is a reminder of her own mortality… and it scares her. (read: “I am a cold hearted woman!!!”)😉
 
To be honest, I’m surprised she didn’t just say she was having problems with her blood pressure and go home early because of that.

But then you Americans seem to work ridiculous hours anyways, and I can never understand that.
 
You’re not cold-hearted, just suspicious of someone who may be manipulative. If she is conning you…well, none of us react warmly to suspected or real conning. It’s insulting and unjust.

You’ve prayed for her? If she’s manipulative she needs it. It’s not a wholesome way to live life, so for that at least, she would deserve the compassion of sincere prayer.
None of us can be sure about anyone else. She may just handle life very differently to you and have less focus than you…but that also may represent some kind of inability to cope or at least to flourish…

Whatever the truth, she deserves your prayer…and sometimes when we pray for someone, problems with or surrounding them dissolve.

Maybe nobody ever prayed for her specifically before?
 
Trishie said:
You’re not cold-hearted, just suspicious of someone who may be manipulative. If she is conning you…well, none of us react warmly to suspected or real conning. It’s insulting and unjust.

You’ve prayed for her? If she’s manipulative she needs it. It’s not a wholesome way to live life, so for that at least, she would deserve the compassion of sincere prayer.
None of us can be sure about anyone else. She may just handle life very differently to you and have less focus than you…but that also may represent some kind of inability to cope or at least to flourish…

Whatever the truth, she deserves your prayer…and sometimes when we pray for someone, problems with or surrounding them dissolve.

Maybe nobody ever prayed for her specifically before?
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I prayed and prayed for 2 yrs solid because she was manipulating stuff at work and I didn’t know whether I should tell the boss… finally I about had a break down over it and had to take a few days off to clear my head… then I told the boss… and I got fired… then rehired 10 minutes later. Since then I have had a hard time praying for her and her manipulations… she is the master at manipulating people and I am stubborn so we don’t get on so well.

So I am sitting here at work and she is going on and on about having a fever last night and going to bed at 7pm… but then in the next breath she is telling me about seeing the boss and his wife last night at 5:30 ( suspect later because I know they went to 5 pm mass since the boss went barreling out of the office at 4:40 to rush home and get changed for mass) when she went out to dinner… fast dinner I guess…🤷. She is also talking about going home sick as soon as the boss gets in. Already she is lamenting about when the funeral might be. If it is Saturday, it is her birthday… if it is Monday she doesn’t know what she is gonna do because I am on vacation… it all doesn’t matter to me… it is in the hands of the boss anyway. I really pray she does go home so I can take the network down and do the upgrades… that would be awesome.
 
I don’t think it’s a matter of being “cold” about her. I was in retail for many years and no matter where I worked there was always a couple of “time-abusers” (TA). Every week one of the habitual TA’s would have to go home for an “emergency”. The excuses became so mind numbing that it almost became a game…
“… what did she go home for this time?.. no, no, let me guess…”
After a while it becomes a matter of resentment really. I would become resentful that I had to stay and do the work that I had to do then when finished make up the work that my co-worker couldn’t finish cause he/she had an “emergency” and left. I wasn’t getting paid any additional for it and I was given the “Why didn’t you finish that…” treatment if it didn’t get done.
I feel for you… and maybe she really is broken up about the death of her “shot glass buddy” or maybe she is just looking for another excuse to leave work. But, I don’t think you’re wrong in feeling the way you do, just watch out for what you say and who you say it to. I would never trust anyone with my feelings on a subject like this cause it might get back to her or the boss and I may be the one getting into trouble.

I hope things get better for you.

Paul
 
Paul2274 said:
The excuses became so mind numbing that it almost became a game…
“… what did she go home for this time?.. no, no, let me guess…”
After a while it becomes a matter of resentment really. I would become resentful that I had to stay and do the work that I had to do then when finished make up the work that my co-worker couldn’t finish cause he/she had an “emergency” and left.
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OMGosh!!! This is exactly the game dh and I play…That is funny! Sadly, the only way I can deal with it is to make jokes about it. Why is the boss so blind?
 
OK… So today I committed the unpardonable sin… I mistook something a co-worker said to mean that he was aware of a problem and I discussed it with him… turns out he didn’t know and the co-worker I have had problems in the past with was asked about it by the other co-worker. She was soooo mad and followed me out of the building at lunch and demanded to know how he heard about it… so I told her I thought he knew about it because of something he said… she got this look on her face and said… the boss is going to be MAD! The look meant to me that she is going to email him as soon as I left for lunch. After I came back from lunch she has been quiet as heck… which means she did tell him. I am pretty sure I am fired when the boss gets back… his flight is delayed so we aren’t sure exactly when he will be back…but thankfully it won’t be during the workday it will be tonight. Prayers would be most welcome… PLease
 
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