Writing Love Letters To Future Spouse

[ATeutonicKnight]

Like I said, it seems more like a journal entry than a love letter.

But the problem I raise still holds…the “you” is an impersonal you. It’s not addressed to your actual wife, but an idealised version of her in your mind at the time.

It also conveys a very stange message. That what you’re doing now is all out of love for her. Weird. What if you don’t get married? Would that render all your accomplishments worthless? What does that say about your attitude to your life now and whatever purpose God has for you now? It sounds a little like the “love and respect” you’re expressing in this letter properly belongs to God, not the idealised future wife who really only exists in your own mind right now.

If I’m not called to marriage, fine. I won’t be broken up about it. It’s not like I will break down in a billion pieces because I will have no one to share the letters with.

I’m doing this because of God. I am following what I believe to be my vocation. If God wants me to become a husband, then I want to work on becoming the best spouse I can become, and I want to give my wife the greatest opportunities I can. I mention my possible future wife, but it really is about God and about what He wants me to do. If God calls me to be single, that’s okay. But I’m really not fit for the single life. I’ve always been one of those guys that wanted to get married, and I seem to be popular with girls so I guess I’m doing a fine job at getting there.

 

[Gorgias]

b) Following from that, I think there is a great danger in creating an idealised woman in your own mind that your future wife can never live up to. You already talk about having “a type” and seem to have expectations for your future wife. Be careful of this.

This. In big, bold neon blinking letters, this!

You don’t know what women God will send into your life, and you don’t know which of them you’ll fall in love with, and you don’t know which one you’ll propose to and (hopefully) marry. If you start writing letters to a phantom wife, you’ll start building a picture in your mind of who she is and what she’s like… and you might just miss the woman God sends your way.

 

[Gorgias]

"I found out that I passed all of my tests and I am now a graduate. I am so proud of myself, because it was so hard getting to this point, but I did it out of love for you.

No, it wouldn’t be “out of love for you”, it would “out of love of the idea of you”.

I did it out of love and respect for you

Again, no. It was out of a particular desire, and in hopes of future things, but it wasn’t “out of love and respect for you.”

I understand what you’re trying to do, and it isn’t without merit. You want to be the best possible man you can be, for the sake of a potential spouse. However, what you’ve been saying here smacks of building up an idol – as some have mentioned, an idealized notion of ‘wife’ – and of worshiping that idol. It’s not ‘love’ you’re talking about, it’s ‘love of being in love’ – in other words, ‘infatuation with the notion of love’.

Yeah, I’m a guy, and although I know what it is to be romantic, and what fun it is to be romantic with a woman you love, I also think that this idea borders on the icky. Sorry…

 

[underacloud]

What these letters are SIMILAR to:

“I found out that I passed all of my tests and I am now a graduate. I am so proud of myself, because it was so hard getting to this point, but I did it out of love for you. Whenever it became hard to keep going, I thought of you, and now I have made it. I did it out of love and respect for you, and I hope I can build on this success.”

I’m doing this because of God. I am following what I believe to be my vocation. If God wants me to become a husband, then I want to work on becoming the best spouse I can become, and I want to give my wife the greatest opportunities I can. I mention my possible future wife, but it really is about God and about what He wants me to do. If God calls me to be single, that’s okay. But I’m really not fit for the single life. I’ve always been one of those guys that wanted to get married, and I seem to be popular with girls so I guess I’m doing a fine job at getting there.

You seem to contradict yourself.

And your signature still refers to discerning priesthood.

I think you need to relax. Focus on what God wants of you now, and worry a little less about the future and trying to work out what God has planned for you. It will come.

 

[28562]

If that is your style and you think you can pull it off, go for it. I’m not a woman, so it isn’t me that you are trying to impress, but it seems a tad odd to me as well. Sorry to say that and sorry you are kinda taking a beating on this thread. We can all see that you have great intentions and most likely will find a very lucky woman. I think that most guys are finding it strange because your style is so much different than the rest of us. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

 

[FriendlyFace]

Is there really any harm in writing these love letters? I feel close to my wife when I write them, and they make me a better person. I am working harder in school in order to get a good education for my wife, I am working harder on becoming a better person, and better yet, I have zero temptations because of it. Every time I’m even slightly tempted to do anything, I think of my future wife and suddenly, I’m not tempted anymore. Writing these letters has given me a deeper appreciation for marriage and for my future wife, and I don’t see why these guys think this is a bad idea.

I think it’s a sweet thing to do, and if it makes you struggle less with temptation, then it’s win-win.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I think it’s a sweet thing to do, and if it makes you struggle less with temptation, then it’s win-win.

Haha, thank you! And I don’t really struggle with temptation. I haven’t for a year. Just now if I ever am tempted to do something immoral, I think “If my wife were here, or if I am married in ten years and I told her about this, what would she think?” And suddenly, it’s not a temptation anymore.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

If that is your style and you think you can pull it off, go for it. I’m not a woman, so it isn’t me that you are trying to impress, but it seems a tad odd to me as well. Sorry to say that and sorry you are kinda taking a beating on this thread. We can all see that you have great intentions and most likely will find a very lucky woman. I think that most guys are finding it strange because your style is so much different than the rest of us. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Thanks! And it’s okay. It is a little different. But that’s why I like it! How many wives are going to be able to say their husbands had been thinking and sacrificing for them since they were sixteen? It is different, but that’s what makes it so special. If it was a mandatory thing every guy did then it wouldn’t be as fun or spontaneous.

And if anything, I’m more motivated to write these letters now more than ever, so it’s okay if people disagree or express concerns. I may be in disagreement with them, but I am glad people are at least concerned for me!

 

[djforce888]

I am a 22 year old male and have been writing letters to my future wife for the past 5 years. I write them to let my future wife know that I prepared for her before we even met. They contain love notes, my fears, whats going on, etc… Yes, I do have an ideal woman and won’t settle for less. I am very passionate on the inside and consider myself conservative. But, everyone is different and I am very extreme when it comes to dating/relationships. I still have never kissed a girl or even had a gf, but I have found girls who I would consider dating. Writing love letters to future spouses is not for everyone.

 

[chevalier]

You completely missed the point.

While I value your opinion, if you throw big words in one-liners it isn’t really helpful.

 

[trinichiqn]

I write them and would love if after I got married I found out that my future husband wrote them also.

 

[The_Bucket]

I think it’s a good exercise… for you. It’s clearly not for everyone and I would hesitate quite a bit before actually giving them to anybody. Even your wife if and when you marry as you said, “ten years from now.” I find it to be more a form of journaling and that’s not an unmasculine thing. Most of our greatest men have kept diaries or written volumes of both professional and personal letters.

My only caution would be this: Remember that you are not merely trying to be the best person you can in order to provide for a wife and a family. It needs to be for the glory of God. I say that because I too used the whole “if I have sex with this woman, I’ve cheated on my wife before I met her” or “I need to do X, Y, Z in order to be ready” thing in order to remain a virgin and prosper through most of college.

When I started dating my wife in my senior year, I kind of projected my entire sense of being onto her. She became almost my god, which is really weird. I kept that to myself but a lot of what I wrote to her (in letters that were to specifically her and not written earlier) about her being my source of inspiration was not hyperbole. The sonnets and letters were all real feelings, and over the top feelings to be honest.

Women are not goddesses to be worshiped and while I’m sure you’re quite aware of that, I caution you about going too over the top. Excel in your studies for the glory of God. Remain chaste for His glory and your own soul. Tell Him your fears, anxieties and your hopes and dreams as opposed to a woman who you don’t know.

I like that you’re keeping your “eyes on the prize” so to speak, but remember that she is not your ultimate goal. Heaven is. And the only way you’re going to deliver on your responsibilities of helping your future wife and children get to Heaven is to remember where your eyes should ultimately be turned.

 

[iwillrisenow]

There is a book written by a Catholic couple (the Hartfiels) called “Woman in Love: Redefine the Journey Toward Your Husband To Be”. The wife, Katie, tells the story of how she wrote letters to her husband for years before they met and encourages other young women to do the same. The husband, Mark, writes entries in his prayer journal throughout their courtship. Writing letters to your future spouse can be a way of cultivating the practice of chastity and preparing your heart for willing the good of another above your own. While I agree with some of the other posters who said that we must be careful not to build an image in our minds of who our spouse is before we meet him or her, I think there is something to be thankful for and discerned further in the whispers in one’s heart to write letters (which are really prayers) to a future husband or wife.

It is very difficult to be a single person, male or female, who is discerning a vocation to marriage prior to meeting one’s spouse. There are plenty of people, like the OP’s friends, who will be doubtful of certain choices, especially those in which we boldly express our faith in that which is yet to be seen. The fact of the matter is, none of us really know what is going on between another person and God. What looks like wistful thinking on the outside may be the very way in which God is working in that person to bring him or her towards a vocation (whatever that vocation may end up to be).

To the OP-- do not be discouraged by your friends’ reaction to your letter-writing. But, if you haven’t already, do seek a trustworthy spiritual director who can continue to guide you along your vocation journey. If you are a student, your school may be able to help you find someone. Keep praying. And place God at the center of your life, always.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I think it’s a good exercise… for you. It’s clearly not for everyone and I would hesitate quite a bit before actually giving them to anybody. Even your wife if and when you marry as you said, “ten years from now.” I find it to be more a form of journaling and that’s not an unmasculine thing. Most of our greatest men have kept diaries or written volumes of both professional and personal letters.

My only caution would be this: Remember that you are not merely trying to be the best person you can in order to provide for a wife and a family. It needs to be for the glory of God. I say that because I too used the whole “if I have sex with this woman, I’ve cheated on my wife before I met her” or “I need to do X, Y, Z in order to be ready” thing in order to remain a virgin and prosper through most of college.

When I started dating my wife in my senior year, I kind of projected my entire sense of being onto her. She became almost my god, which is really weird. I kept that to myself but a lot of what I wrote to her (in letters that were to specifically her and not written earlier) about her being my source of inspiration was not hyperbole. The sonnets and letters were all real feelings, and over the top feelings to be honest.

Women are not goddesses to be worshiped and while I’m sure you’re quite aware of that, I caution you about going too over the top. Excel in your studies for the glory of God. Remain chaste for His glory and your own soul. Tell Him your fears, anxieties and your hopes and dreams as opposed to a woman who you don’t know.

I like that you’re keeping your “eyes on the prize” so to speak, but remember that she is not your ultimate goal. Heaven is. And the only way you’re going to deliver on your responsibilities of helping your future wife and children get to Heaven is to remember where your eyes should ultimately be turned.

Thanks for the words of advice. I will definitely be sure to make sure I don’t turn her into a Goddess, or that I make up an idea of who she is and what she will be like. I honestly can’t see any of this happening, but that’s exactly why I need to be aware of it and work on not letting it happen.

And yeah, of course this is for God. But the thinking I was having is that I am working at school and everything so I can get a good education for my vocation – which is for God, of course. So if I say “I’m doing this for my future spouse” that is akin to saying “I am doing this for my vocation”, which basically translates into “I am doing this so I can do what God wants me to do”. But I can definitely see why people would be worried about the wording and everything, and I will heed all of the warnings.

 

[The_Bucket]

You’re plenty young yet; just make sure that you keep an open ear and open heart to God’s voice and you’ll end up fine no matter what your vocation ends up being. You’ve got a strong start.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

Writing letters to your future spouse is a great idea and it’s an expression of your faith in God (that she’s out there) and your commitment to her(even though you don’t know her yet). I want to marry a man who thought of me before he even knew me. Lot’s of Christian singles writers encourage writing these kind of letters. To me, it’s the same as praying for him, offering the mass for him or talking to Jesus about him in adoration–it’s pure love.

 

[akela135]

I read about a similiar idea, when I was young, in a christian magazine for girls. The magazine recommended writing a single letter that you could read to your husband-to-be the night of your wedding. I was only 13 when I wrote it and I did read it my DH (although sometime during our engagement) and we both got a laugh out of it. I had awful spelling and grammar skills at that age.

I think it would depend on the person and what type of letter you are writing. Mine really was about how I looked forward to our future life together and that I had been praying for God to watch over my future husband.

 

[Tradycja]

This whole idea seems kind of sappy. Your time would be better spent reading books like “The Art of Manliness” by Brett and Kate McCay or simply just praying.

This whole thing could actually prevent you from actually going out there and meeting women too, since you are locking yourself up in a fantasy world. Be more practical is all I am saying.

 

[oldfashcathgirl]

Young Singles!!

Come join us!!

forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=1737