Wrong to not have our children attend their uncle's wedding?

[attymomof3]

I need some advice on how to handle an out-of-wedlock pregnancy situation with my young children. My husband’s brother, much to our surprise, recently got engaged to his girlfriend. I hate to say this, but none of the family had a good feeling about the news from the start due to many red flags. Brother-in-law now admitted that they are expecting a baby in May and are trying to find a priest who is willing to let them get married without the customary six month engagement period. Even so, his fiancée will have a baby bump when she walks down the aisle. My youngest children are too little to have a clue, but I’m worried that my 7-year-old, who notices the smallest details, will start asking questions. We have taught him that God blesses people who are married with babies. This situation will fly in the face of that.

On top of this, my brother-in-law already has a 4-year-old out-of-wedlock child with someone else. He was in a relationship with a different (also former) girlfriend by the time his son was born, and some of my husband’s sister’s older kids assumed she was their cousin’s mom. My kids, who are a bit younger, assume that brother-in-law is married to his fiancée and that she is the mom. Questions haven’t come up, so we haven’t felt the need to correct their innocent beliefs given their ages. To complicate things further, fiancée is divorced with two young children of her own, whom none of us have even met.

Everyone makes mistakes, but my brother-in-law, who is now in his mid-30’s, either downplays his or blames others and continues to make the same poor choices over and over again. He truly believes he is an exemplary Catholic and that the rules don’t apply to him (just to everyone else), and he often lectures and accuses the family of being judgmental. With this newest development, he has shown no humility and thinks it’s no big deal. He said he is sorry, not for putting us in an awkward situation with our kids or for being a poor example, but because we “feel the way [we] do.”

My husband and I are leaning towards, at the risk of being accused as hateful, not having our kids attend the wedding. My sister-in-law and her husband are planning to do the same with theirs. Maybe questions won’t be asked, but I feel like we could be opening a can of worms that lead to questions on a host of issues that should be covered one at a time at a more appropriate age. We, of course, will tell our kids the reality of everything when they are mature enough to understand it and its consequences and as questions arise during the few times each year we see my brother-in-law. I just don’t want to convey any message that would normalize or downplay my brother-in-law’s life choices, especially when he goes out of his way to make known that he is a model Catholic. Are we out of line and being too overprotective? Any advice on how to best go about this will be greatly appreciated as would your prayers for my brother-in-law, his fiancée and especially their children.

 

[1ke]

You parent your kids, not any of us here. So if you feel it’s the best way to handle it, then go with what you think best.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for accepting or declining invitations, in whole or in part, nor for whether you bring children or get a babysitter and make it an adult only date.

 

[Clementine14]

To complicate things further, fiancée is divorced with two young children of her own, whom none of us have even met.

Does she have an annulment? If not, you may have nothing to worry about considering that it sounds like they are looking to be married in the Church.

With this newest development, he has shown no humility and thinks it’s no big deal. He said he is sorry, not for putting us in an awkward situation with our kids or for being a poor example, but because we “feel the way [we] do.”

He doesn’t really need to apologize to you for “putting you in an awkward situation”. This is his life and these are his choices. How you choose to handle the situation with your children is up to you, and I don’t think there is a right answer. But, while his attitude seems concerning, it’s not you or your family he needs to apologize to.

If the wedding does happen soon (and it sounds like a big if) there’s nothing wrong with you and your husband leaving the kids with someone else and going yourselves. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about it if that’s what you choose to do.

 

[attymomof3]

@Clementine14 Thank you for your thoughts.

Does she have an annulment? If not, you may have nothing to worry about considering that it sounds like they are looking to be married in the Church.

Although she grew up Catholic, she got married outside of the Church without a dispensation, so her marriage was never valid due to Lack of Form. My brother-in-law has told us not to refer to her children’s father as her “ex-husband” because of this.

He doesn’t really need to apologize to you for “putting you in an awkward situation”. This is his life and these are his choices. How you choose to handle the situation with your children is up to you, and I don’t think there is a right answer. But, while his attitude seems concerning, it’s not you or your family he needs to apologize to.

We aren’t expecting an apology from him. He told my husband he’s sorry if we feel that way in response to their mother raising the concern about him putting us in an awkward situation with our kids. What makes me struggle is him brushing this off in one breath and then saying he wants to be a “mentor” to our kids and claiming that he “enriches” their lives in the next. Over the years, he’s told us he’s changed so many times that I’ve lost count.

 

[Clementine14]

We aren’t expecting an apology from him. He told my husband he’s sorry if we feel that way in response to their mother raising the concern about him putting us in an awkward situation with our kids.

I guess what I don’t understand is why this would be raised in the first place. He made a mistake, but she’s keeping the baby and they’re getting married.

So, he’s just living his life- it’s not about your family, it’s about him. He isn’t deliberately putting anyone in an awkward situation. I understand that the situation is awkward in general, but it seems a bit unfair to accuse him of “putting you in an awkward situation”. He’s not getting married to cause issues, presumably- so how you handle the situation in terms of explaining it to your kids (or not) is up to you and your husband.

 

[Allegra]

If your wish is that your children believe that only married people get pregnant, you’re going to have all kinds of issues trying to uphold that illusion for any length of time. Presuming that brother and his girlfriend are able to get permission to marry in the Church, I don’t think there’s any reason to avoid it.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

I agree with this.

But also, I mean, if you want to leave your kids at home, I don’t see the big deal. Lots of people leave small kids at home so they can enjoy the wedding and let their hair down.

But it sounds like this uncle is making the best of a difficult situation… I myself was somehow innocent enough to not question the ‘babies come to married couples’ theory til I was 10, but I think I believed that all single moms were divorced. I’m not sure how practical it would be to try and maintain such an illusion when the family situation is so obviously different, but you are the parents and can do whatever you feel is best and don’t have to answer to the rest of the family. Nor do you have to explain your reasoning for leaving kids at home.

 

[Norseman82]

Sounds to me the brother needs to have someone tell him in no uncertain terms to get the beam out of his own eye first, especially if he is acting “holier than thou” in public.

Is your husband the big or little brother? Who can bench more, your husband or the brother? The reason I ask is that perhaps your husband should have the talk with his brother, unless you have the effect of melting the brother’s heart into repentance.

 

[KCmedtech]

Keep in mind that there are plenty of couples, who have valid marriages, or can be married validly…that have kids before their wedding.

My husband and I are definitely not teaching our children that babies come to married couples.

We can’t. My oldest daughter was an infant and she’s in most of our wedding photos. We were married in a Catholic Church two months after we had her and one month after both of us became Catholics at the Easter vigil.

That being said…we’ve politely declined an invitation to my MILs wedding 2 years ago.
It wasn’t a difficult decision for us to make but a very sad one. It’s her third marriage…after many years of troubled relationships and divorce. She claims to be a practicing Christian but there is nothing that indicates she has changed in any way.
It is not a valid marriage and it was an event we could neither celebrate nor be comfortable bringing the kids.

We were very honest with her about the situation and we tried very hard to be kind at the same time.

Our biggest issue was the fact that she and her husband claim to be Christian but are not demonstrating the fact through their actions and I cannot have that kind of scandal around my kids.

My point is…you need to go with your gut on this one. If you don’t feel comfortable going then don’t go…but you definitely need to be upfront and honest as to why.

 

[alice24]

We have taught him that God blesses people who are married with babies.

Honestly, I was a smart child, and this thinking caused more confusion than anything else. Why does god not bless the nice couple in church? Why have my classmate´s parents baby Nr. 4 even when they aren´t married and her dad is a creep?
If it was me, I would let them participate. Social gatherings are important for children, and the maybe state of sexual sin of any adult there is really not that important for a small child who is happy to attend with the parents.

 

[AdamP88]

We have taught him that God blesses people who are married with babies.

IMO, this is perhaps not the best choice of words. For obvious reasons.

I don’t particularly think you need to give any reason not to bring your kids. Many people don’t bring kids to weddings purely because they want to have a night without the kids.

In fairness though, your children are going to be the new baby’s cousins. While it’s up to you to parent your kids, it seems to me that you’re not going to be able to shelter your kids from this reality.

 

[Allegra]

While I agree with others that many people choose not to have their children attend weddings, it’s a little different when it’s your own brother’s wedding. THey may have been asked to let their children be IN the wedding. They may have even already agreed to bring them because they didn’t know all the information at the time. It might be a little too late to withdraw the kids without it being an obvious statement

 

[TheLittleLady]

You are the parents and “no” is a complete sentence.

If you were my sister, I would simply say be careful whom you shun because of a sin. Once you begin, your circle will get smaller and smaller.

 

[The_Old_Maid]

Of course it is a little confusing. You actually have conflicting issues: anticipation, and resolution. That is, someone once wrote to Judith “Miss Manners” Martin to ask if it was proper to celebrate the marriage of a couple with several pre-existing children (some of whom would be participating as ring-bearer, flower girl, etc.). Miss Manners replied, This falls under the category of Proper known as High Time.

Now that you have processed that, the rest may be easier, I hope.