Yearning for Motherhood

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natalia_3

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I have been yearning to have a child since I was 20 years old, a gut wrenching feeling that I need to have a baby. I’m sure it’s because of hormonal changes, but over the years it has not gotten any more bearable.

I used to be in awe of taking care of other people’s children, but now that admiration I had for motherhood is turning sour. I often find that I am envious, even jealous when I come across young mother’s or big families. I am 25 now, and I know I am not to be married soon, so therefore I will not have a family soon either. I’ve been raised an only child, and as long as I can remember, I’ve planned to have a large family (yes, at 5 years old, all the stuffed animals in a stroller). The gut wrenching can get so bad at times, that I hate having my menstruation, knowing that I’ve wasted yet another egg, a possibility of human life, a gift from God.

I am able to calm myself down, and organize what my outlooks on life should be right now, yet I keep on truly believing that my dream for a big family is to come. But every year passes and I know that my body clock is ticking, and sooner than later, I’ll be childless, perhaps even single.
I do know the hardships of motherhood. Through babysitting newborn cousins, and seeing how their mothers need the extra help. I understand that it is hard work, yet I’ve been preparing for it every year. I read articles, books, I am familiar with the psychology of growing stages, proper child discipline, but the only thing I lack is the child in my arms.

I do pray about this, but I also hate praying about it because I sob so much, it becomes painful. I’ve decided to pray for patience instead, and to have more focus on the people that are around me, the cousins I have to play with and encourage, and my parents that will be needing support soon due to their age and physical health.

I am scared to think that I will be childless due to no marriage, or have a womb that cannot bear children. I know that I need to be obedient to God, and look at myself through our Father’s eyes, but I need some advice or comfort to get through this. I do not enjoy disliking myself for not having children, or stirred up envy of other families that deserve support rather than my jealous eyes.

If there are any women/men who know someone or have felt the same, and either have families or are without, please comment. I’m eager to find a way to cope with this so that I may be useful to God and the neighbors around me.

Thank you.
 
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I married young an thought for sure babies would come right away. They didn’t. It was a very long road to motherhood for me. Five years of infertility, followed by two miscarriages. Then a relative was committed by the state and we adopted her 6 children. Then more miscarriages and still births. Six more years of infertility. As we were preparing to go through another adoption, and after our first six were grown or nearly grown, we found out we were once again expecting. This time we carried a very healthy baby girl to term! A year later, another healthy girl! It took me 25 years (and I’m way closer to 50 than 40) to arrive here.

You are so young still. I realize that 25 doesn’t feel that way. When I turned 25 I felt my life was slipping away. My body ached for a baby. Just one. But God had a bigger plan. I would most likely not have been in a position to adopt my six kids if I had already had the 6 I wanted and thought I would have at that time. I see that very clearly now. And our lives would have been so incomplete without them. They are our world.

Try to slow down and let God work through your life in the way He sees is best overall. He sees and knows better than we do. When the time is right, all He desires for your betterment will come to you.

My prayer for you tonight is for you to rest safely in His hands, and just trust.
 
I understand your frustration. I felt the same way, even after raising two (nearly) grown sons. I wanted to adopt very badly. I attempted to adopt from Central America as a single parent, but the adoptions kept falling through. Either that, or they offered me very difficult children with severe problems that I knew I couldn’t handle.
I continually offered my frustrations to Jesus. Eventually I met someone and put adoption plans on hold to get married. You had to be married two years before you could adopt, so we waited, then signed up to be foster-adopt parents. Within 6 weeks we had a little boy placed with us, and then shortly after that a 10 month old girl. We adopted both of them.

It seems to me that God always has a plan for families; he thinks they are a good thing. I am sure he has a plan for you. Have you considered being a foster mother? You’re pretty young for it, but you could look into it.

Praying for you, that your longing will be fulfilled in the way God intends. Meanwhile, perhaps you could see about working with children who need someone – rock babies in hospitals, or become a respite foster caregiver, or a guardian ad litem.
God bless.
 
Although I am a man I think I can relate to you in some way. I felt a lot of what you felt about others who were in relationships while I was not. I was envious, I would sometimes be so lonely and longing for a girlfriend that I would cry sometimes. Not bawling but I would be lying if I said I did not regularly shed a few tears over it.

This went on pretty much from about 27 to 32.

I had always wanted a girlfriend since I was a little boy. However being morbidly obese as a kid and teenager made getting a girlfriend very hard to do. However, I was not lonely. I lost the weight at 16 and still could not get a girlfriend. I was still not lonely but only because I took to drugs to cope when I became 18. Later alcohol. When I became clean off drugs and the alcohol stopped working at about 27 years of age the intense longing for a girlfriend (By girlfriend I also mean love, I wanted love. The love between a man and woman) came back that I had not dealt with since I was about 18.

Life is not fair. I will never know what it is like to ask a pretty girl out as a teenager and get a “yes” I will never know what it was like to go to prom with a date. I will never know what it is like for a classmate to have a crush on me. Those things are gone. I wanted those things so badly as a teenager. I never got them. I am pretty much over those things as I am now 34 but I still think about it now and then. I did not even get my first girlfriend until I was 29. And it lasted 4 months. By this time it was more then wanting a girlfriend. I wanted a wife…

But at 32 me and my fiance became exclusive. About a year later I finally knew love between a man and woman because I loved her and I knew she loved me.

It took longer than I wanted and I can never get exactly what I wanted because I wished I could had had all the fun with dating that other teenagers and people in the early 20’s got that I did not. But eventually God still blessed me with the main desire of my heart. My Fiance.

25 is still super young. Remember, I did not even have my first girlfriend until I was 29. I am engaged now to be married next month. I am 34 years old. I got what I wanted later. I suffered a lot waiting and trying. Seeing other young couples at mass, on the streets… holding hands, kissing etc. You can still have kids and a lot of them. Maybe not as many as you wanted (what constitutes a big family varies) If you wanted 12 kids then maybe that that is not in the realm of possibility anymore (I am not even sure of that, I am not a super smart man) but I think it is not likely. Now, can you be happy with 3 or 4 kids? That is very much possible. It may not be exactly what you originally wanted but you will live. We cant always get exactly what we want.

I coped by going to adoration a lot. I cried and told God all my troubles and concerns. I complained and cried. I talked to God how I would never talk to another person. I had no pride, I complained and cried like a little boy. But at the same time, I was trying to be strong and patient. This helped me a lot. I did this pretty much weekly for a long time, sometimes multiple times a week.
 
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(Part 2)

The other thing I did was actually seek out finding a girlfriend. You cant get married and have a baby without a man, so you need to at least put yourself out there to be able to be asked out by men. Are you doing this? Some women are lucky enough that they do not have to do pretty much anything and they will always be able to get a boyfriend fast. Just like some guys just seem to be able to draw women in to them like a magnet with little effort. Those of us not that fortunate have to give extra effort. Its not fair but complaining does not make it any fairer. That is just life. We take action.

Perhaps this is not the advice you wanted but it is what worked for me. Prayer in adoration, and actually being proactive in looking for a girlfriend. Even when I only went on 2 dates a year it was better than nothing I figured. Now, you most likely wont be asking guys out because that is a mans job but you can if it does not bother you. But if it does the least you can do is put yourself out there in a position to be asked out. Try Catholicmatch.com. I met my fiance there. Do not despair, there is plenty of time for babies. God bless.
 
Thank you for sharing your personal insight. God really made a beautiful journey for you through motherhood, that didn’t make sense to you at the time, but it was all in his hands. Your story gives me a lot of comfort, as infertility reasons can be so unknown, but only known to God.
I am trying to to have the mentality that my life needs to be offered up for God, just as many of the saints had this amazing dedication and passion for Jesus, I think I need to practice the same. I will try to focus on on God, scripture, catechism, saints, etc as I find that keeps me sane when I have my ups and downs about motherhood.
Thank you for your prayers, and I have to say, congratulations on your continual journey of motherhood! I have to remember that women do not need to be young to be a mother, and that God will use our gifts at different stages of our lives, as it is even frequently shown in the bible.
 
Thank you for your personal insight. I am open to adoption, but as I grow older I yearn for my own children (going through pregnancy, birth, baby stages, etc.), but I also know that this could be selfish as many children are vulnerable for not having the experience of a mother at important stages of their life.
I have pondered about babysitting, but it makes me terribly nervous as it means I need to integrate myself into someone else’s family (which is why I only babysit my cousins). This is another issue I have, is to be of proper help to other people because I can often be very awkward, and I see how I make other people uncomfortable.
I am thinking of volunteering into a big brothers and big sisters program at schools; this is something I’ve had when I was in elementary school. And you are right, I need to be more involved with children who need someone right now, it would be worth the time to spend doing that.
 
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Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to you, as since I was little (5 years old) I knew I wanted to be married and carried that with me until now. This post points out my journey and why I am still feeling the way I do. Since you shared something so personal to you, I will share my story as well (also for other onlookers if this helps them in some way).

I have a boyfriend of two years (I’ll call him Ben) and he had a similar yearning of wanting a girlfriend/wife as well, until we met. He never dated in high school because he only wanted to get married, so he did the best he could to help others, and became president of his catholic school, worked out 24/7, the whole macho deal.

When I met him, we were working in a fast food chain at the ends of our ropes, nearly giving up on the good things of life, and his weight in muscle turned into fat. I was mourning at that time in my life because I had ended a five year, what I thought was a relationship (I did not have good examples growing up; broken home, divorce, same with friends/community).

Mind you, I was not catholic at that time; I had no idea about it, was raised Evangelical (my parents were raised catholic, and they made it sound demonized (they were raised in communist Poland, a lot of Catholics fell out at that time)), knew something was missing yet couldn’t figure it out, and was trying to create a moral path for myself, which was crooked and left me in despair. I did not understand why my commitment to another person did not lead me to be married, I gave up a lot of myself to help that person (finances and future goals), and no amount could help him. I ended it heartbroken, but I knew there was no future there.

Long story short, Ben and I knew we wanted to help each other develop; help fix each others’ wounds. He introduced me to the catholic faith, and I knew right away that these were the moral teachings I was looking for, and that Jesus is much more important than what I knew before. I am baptized and confirmed in the church, and I see a lot of change in myself, and challenges that need to be faced. In the terms of motherhood, I can see now that God has lead me to his teachings of family, life, love, respect and obedience that I never grew up with, but hold it so dear to me to want to teach it to my children. I can see why I am in a relationship with Ben, how our personalities match, how we try to be each other’s stepping stones for leading a good life, and are anxious for engagement and marriage (soon, hopefully).

So, if I see God’s plan working in me, why am I so anxious about motherhood? Because I feel as if it is the biggest cross I need to carry. I go to confession about this, pray about it, try to look at another perspective, and I cannot find a way to fix it. Perhaps my heart is not fully committed to Jesus, I am selfish or sinful in some way, have a lesson I need to learn, become more disciplined, something but I do not know.
It is a roller-coaster for me, because I know I will temporarily be alright with what is before me, to see other families without envy. I end up trying to maintain my emotions until, yet again, I break down into despair.
 
(Part Two)

My despair is also fueled by Ben needing to complete university (he has 2-3 more years to go) and my soon to be completed college certificate to go back to work soon. I know I need to wait, but I have not much ambition outside of motherhood. I dread the thought of working in business, because the educational teachings I used to look forward to, seem to be such a shallow path. I am interested in education, but only for the sake of teaching my children (homeschooling). I cannot wait to go through their interests and challenges of growing up, and being there for them, loving them and supporting them. I want to give them all that I never had, the emotional attachments, religion, and a network of a good community.

I feel as if my whole life I’ve been building up for this, and now I am not even at the right stage of my life. I despise my birthdays; turned 25 recently, and am predicting another year of no family, another year of no marriage, another year of waiting and waiting. I always feel I am waiting. As happy as I am for Ben, and encourage his dreams of a business career, I know I am just waiting, and will be for a while. It will be a long while until I am settled in a marriage, being available for the opportunity of children.

During this waiting, is what causes so much pain, and I can only tolerate it well in intervals.
 
It sounds like you have a decision to make- end your relationship and seek someone who is ready for marriage, or wait for him to be ready.

My now husband and I dated for longer than I would have liked, but we married when we were financially stable enough to support each other and could manage to care for children. We married in our late twenties and I had my first baby in my early thirties. I’m now in my mid thirties and will give birth to my second in a couple of months.

I completely understand the longing to become a mother. It’s all I ever wanted to do. However- while I understand dreading the workplace too, it is really important to me that I am able to care for my family if something happens to my husband. Not having any “ambition outside of motherhood” seems unhealthy to me. Motherhood is not a guarantee for anyone, even if you do end up married to your current boyfriend. It’s important to be interested in and pursue other things, and live your life according to where you are right now. Working at paid employment may not be what you ultimately want to be doing, and that’s okay, but hanging everything on the possibility of motherhood isn’t a good idea. To be honest, I always wanted to be a SAHM. Well, it turns out we need some extra income, so I have been staying at home full time and working part time, with no child care help. Being a SAHM is not at all what I expected it to be (not as fulfilling) and as much as I love my son it turns out that I miss being full time in the workforce. I miss conversations that aren’t centered around Paw Patrol or potty issues. Moms who stay home full time with kids still need to try to pursue their own interests and relationships- centering everything around the kids is not good for mental health. In any case, what I am trying to say is to focus on living your life right now. Fill your life with things that interest you and work so that you’re able to support yourself, no matter what happens.
 
Thank you. I used to have a galore of interests I enjoyed trying to pursue, but it has dwindled ever since I have become worried about financial stability. I hope that when I get my foot out the door to work, I will actually find the job meaningful. I have worked in many places before, and while I tried to work my way up and gain interest, I always fell short because of social stress with co-workers. I currently volunteer at a parish office while I study, which puts that at ease for me, but I know that being surrounding by god-loving people is not always the case.
If anything, working at jobs with rude co-workers has influenced my decision of wanting to be a stay-at home-mom. The dealing with childish antics is not as tragic as dealing with selfish co-workers, horrible customers, and creepy men that want to flirt. Every job I’ve worked at had one or all of these issues, and I do not take it well at all. Perhaps, I am immature, and need to “grow a thick skin”, which is what some people retort. I find it extremely difficult to deal with work when I know there are impurities going around, and while I know that I am a sinner and no better, I strongly feel that I need to get away from them as soon as possible.

Anyway, I’ve rambled a bit, but I understand what you mean. Motherhood is stress added on life, and it can be boring to have barney songs ringing in your head 24/7, explaining all the “why this, why that” questions, but I actually prefer it. I am going to keep on trying to pursue interests, and become financially stable, and pray for the sins that are around me, that I may become more mature to properly deal with co-workers, customers, etc.
I’m going to take into consideration that motherhood is not a guarantee, and that to focus on it right now, is not of the best objective.
 
Thank you, that is very true. I shouldn’t be yearning for what isn’t mine, and instead be focused on what I currently have.
 
Spend a lot of time in adoration telling God exactly how you feel. It helped me be patient.

I know it seems like marriage is such a long way off to you but it is really not. Believe me, you are a lot closer to marriage then some people will ever be. I spent years on Catholicmatch and there are a lot of senior citizens on that site who are childless and never got married. And for some, unfortunately, they will most likely never find someone or have a child. I feel bad even saying that but it is the harsh reality. I pray they all find someone though.

If nothing else, try to be thankful that you at least have a boyfriend who is planning to marry you in a few years. I met a lot of women in their 30’s who were still looking for a husband. Good women too. Beautiful with good jobs. Just no husband yet. You are a lot closer to marriage then some of them too. Take comfort in that. Your situation could be a lot worse. Believe me, I have seen it.

Waiting is the hardest part for sure. Adoration was so important for me. It is feelings like yours and in the past mine that truly only God can be of some comfort.
 
I will definitely do that, now that I understand more of how my life and womb; for giving life, is in God’s control. I’ve always been nervous in being specific in prayer, as I’ve assumed God must know everything I am feeling, and even the source of it, that I do not need to say much. But I will try for the sake of peace and perseverance.

The reason why I doubt relationships, is because many catholic couples come close, going through engagement and then it ends. I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who is supposed to be someone else’s wife, or that I am in a relationship that is not my calling.

If anything I’ve learned from these posts, is that our ultimate calling is to become closer to God, whether we are to be married, single, a parent or barren. I have been putting the “young mother” ideal on a pedestal, which is wrong and wearing me thin, because I cannot control that part of my life.

I’ll go to church for adoration, and pray the rosary often, not just for myself but for others as I understand how loneliness, and feeling left out in life is a dreadful process.
 
Clementine’s post is excellent. We do need to be mature enough to handle life’s stresses, and it seems like your job right now is to mature, since we never know what life will bring us.
It would be ideal if you could find a career that thrills you or at least you find interesting and useful. You do need the capability to support yourself and children if necessary.

Children are great – I’ve raised 5 – but they can’t be the purpose of our lives. I did a rather poor job of it as I had no partner to support me through most of it, but I did enjoy it.
One insight God gave me was when I had been a single parent for several years, and was desperate to meet someone, as I was very lonely.
I was in college, and noticed the cherry trees blooming. And I realized that they were beautiful, and I could appreciate them just the same whether I was married or single. I could still appreciate the good things in life, a thought that had escaped me until then,.

25 is very young, believe me, I had my first child at 30, my second at 32, and adopted at 52. You have plenty of time yet.
 
natalia_3 said:
The reason why I doubt relationships, is because many catholic couples come close, going through engagement and then it ends. I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who is supposed to be someone else’s wife, or that I am in a relationship that is not my calling.
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What I understand from your posts - this passage sounds like it - is that there is an underlying fear in you not being able to stand the issues of daily life - work stress, relations ship stress, and your solution is your image of motherhood as an area of protection for your soul. Please don´t feel offended If I´m wrong here, I think I understand this feeling. When I was 19, 20 years old, what motherhood was for you was my image of marriage for me. I didn´t saw myself working confident all day and stand the issues of daily social life.
I learned it the hard way that trying to escape will lead you once again and again to similar situations (always a bit more complicated, I see it as mental “default interest”) where you will be given another chance to learn what you need to learn. I feared break ups just like you in your statment above, deep in my heart knowing the truth that I will have to endure exactly this to reach another stage of maturity. So, I was engaged to a man who literally left me without telling me face to face weeks before the wedding date (once again, default interest).
Well, I survived this mentally, started university, finally found a profession I´m good in. And guess what? My next ex-boyfriend back then started to change to the bad, as he saw the girl he felt in love with who once was so dependent on him with her dreams of marriage and fear of being alone suddenly started to live an independent, confident life. We broke up because of this. This is only one reason why I would always advise a person to stand grounded on his or her own feet, financially and mentally, to scare away all those potential spouses who only seek a dependent friend to feel better personally. You really don´t want a guy who is fixated on your reproductive organ, wouldn´t that be cruel?
Look, wanting to be a mother is natural, and I understand your fear that this may not happen also. But the foundation of a good family is a good marriage, and a foundation of a good marriage is a good and stable character.
You won´t keep a future marriage healthy when you define yourself always either as a woman waiting for motherhood, or a mother. Making a good spouse is about friendship, commitment, romance, trust, motherhood is only one fruit of it.
I´d advise you, as my father once advised me, to increase your “mental capital” - all you own for yourself: interests, education, confidence, and yes, stability. God bless you, dear Natalia!
 
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I often was frustrated with how single I was just a few short years ago. Things can happen sooo quickly…you never know, you might meet your future husband tomorrow! Or you’ll meet him in a couple years. I was not actively searching when I met my husband. And then within two years of meeting him, we were married, and our son born this past summer (11 months after getting married).

And even if not, whatever God has in mind for you is better than you even think.

Ask for the intercession of St. Raphael, the patron of happy meetings, and St. Gerard Majella, the patron of mothers. When I find myself doubting God’s plan, I ask for the intercession of St. Thomas the Apostle as well (he knows what it’s like).
 
I understand how it feels. But I think God puts the desires on our hearts to be fulfilled in one way or another. I think its mostly a patience-building cross. I long for motherhood, but have only had miscarriages so far. Ive put it in God’s hands for now. Releasing our will into Gods hands is actually very freeing but it can be hard to do.
 
Oh so very hard! My prayer for you today
TruthSeeker—that your blessing will outnumber the stars! I am living proof that gains come from our losses. I pray that yours will as well.
 
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