Yet Another Crisis of Faith

[John_the_Blind]

or: Can One be a Conscientious Heretic?

Here’s my dilemma: I’ve fallen in and out of faith over the years, and in and out of various religions as well. At one point many years ago, I was Catholic- but then a wave of questions and self-doubt overtook me and I eventually became an apostate. I walked away from the Church, from Christianity, the whole ball game.

And here I find myself, getting older and in contemplation for my soul, and missing that something that the Church provided. At the same time, I’ve done an awful lot of reading on the medieval sect of Cathars and much of what they practiced and believed in resonates with me as well- but as we know, the Church decided the Cathars were better off being slaughtered in the Albigensian Crusade. I am struggling to reconcile my approval of the Cathars with Church doctrine and becoming more and more frustrated with myself as the days pass.

How can I rejoin the Church in good faith, knowing that my beliefs would set me apart as a heretic? How can I follow the Cathar faith, it being dead for centuries? Can the two ever be reconciled?

I believe in the poverty of Christ, and I believe he was a great teacher. I believe the mendicant Orders are on the right track.

I don’t accept the validity of the Eucharist (not the ceremony itself, but the whole doctrine of transubstantiation) or the doctrine of the Trinity, and reject the authority of the Old Testament on anyone but the Jews (I pretty much reject the OT altogether, and to be honest- like the Cathars of old- I see a completely different God being described in the OT as opposed to that of the NT).

So you see, I’ve got an awful lot of thoughts and beliefs and opinions going on and I’m making myself crazy trying to sort them all out.

Despite my missing it, I just don’t know how- or even IF- I could rejoin the Church in any way in good faith without being able to reconcile all of these things. Like Agent Mulder on the X-Files, “I want to believe”- but just wanting to believe or pretending to believe is not, in my book, an honest way to do business, especially where one’s faith and soul are concerned.

(And, before you get out the torches and pitchforks or consign me to the Protestants I’ve already presented this same issue to that side of the house, both online and in person, and Standard Reply #142 is that if I don’t believe in Jesus the same way they do then I’m already doomed to roast in Hell. Given the level of discussion here, I feel that even if none of you have anything good to say about my situation I’ll get a more fair judgement and better objective advice than from ‘over there’.)

Thank you ~

 

[StAugustine]

There is one question you should meditate on that could help bring clarity. It recently delivered me from embracing the reformation-

“What is the essence of the righteousness of the law?”

What does it boils down to-

1. Keeping the commands with perfection

OR

1. That Love which is its fulfillment?

From there go on to-

How does this affect the nature of the atonement?

What did Jesus accomplish on the cross?

Moreover, if God is love from all eternity, then he was love before anything was made. But what was the object of his love before any created thing? And was he loved in return?

Consider these things carefully.

 

[QwertyGirl]

I would suggest you spend some time figuring out what it is you miss about being Catholic. Make a list. It may surprise you. You may be missing things that you can find in other places, while still holding true to your beliefs.

Some here will admonish me for suggesting the Catholic Church isn’t for you. I am not doing that. I am suggesting that being a heretic in the Church is not good for your soul or your spiritual development.

Instead of focusing on what you don’t believe, focus on the things you miss.

 

[TK421]

You think matter is evil, a sacrament is invalid if the priest is a sinner, and the Popes are illegitimate?

Keep praying and studying and I suppose look up more on why the Church condemned them. I would in particular form a devotion to St Dominic. He was the saint who confronted the Cathars and it is a great part of what led to his canonization.

Peace.

 

[Annie]

I would suggest that you go to Mass and refrain from receiving the sacraments (Confession and Communion), and maybe spend time before the Blessed Sacrament, visiting Jesus.

 

[John_the_Blind]

That’s one of my sticking points, that I’m not so sure this world is particularly good. If I were going full Dualist or even Mitigated Dualist then no, it’s a messed up creation and the thought that God would have made something so messed up is abhorrent to me. I can see why it was an attractive option to take up the ascetic monastic life and keep the outside world at bay.

As for a sacrament being invalid if the priest is a sinner, no. We’re all sinners in one way or another and priests are no different- they have their own troubles just like everyone else does. It’s in the spirit a person receives or participates in a sacrament that sanctifies it, not the state of someone else’s soul.

As for the Popes being illegitimate, no I don’t think that at all, not in the context of the Church. I’m not so sure that there is an unbroken line of Apostolic Succession though, but that the Church deems this or that Pope to be its legitimate shepherd is good enough for me, regardless of his pedigree.

Regarding St. Dominic, yes, I am a great admirer of his- not only for his strength of will in the service of the Church, but for his recognition of the strengths of the Cathars he opposed and integrating many of their practices into his own Order. I give credit where it’s due, definitely. Regardless if I ever rejoin the Church or not St Dominic is good to go in my book.

@Annie - I’ve considered that- going to Mass but not receiving the sacraments. I would not presume to be so bold! It would feel very strange, though, walking back in for the first time in decades!

 

[Annie]

I would not presume to be so bold!

I don’t know what Cathars believe–I seem to recall that they would not receive the Eucharist unless they had attained a state of perfection?-- but no, don’t go in boldly. Go in humbly, begging our Lord for help, telling Him you don’t believe but that you have no other place to go, and asking for His help in sorting all this out.

This has helped me in dealing with dualistic tendencies. Maybe it will help you? It’s very short!

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I’ll remember you in my prayers during your challenging time
ray:t2:

 

[Lenten_ashes]

The pull you feel to return from to the Church is real. It’s grace received at Baptism pulling you back in this direction. Don’t ignore it.

The scriptures say that without faith it is impossible to please God. You are struggling with some aspects of it, but you have faith. That’s all you need. I would return to the faith and ask the Lord to help you with your struggles.

The Lord be with you.