Yet another relationship/chastity question

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ladyknight1412

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I’m 22. I never dated much throughout high school or my undergraduate career, and the relationships that I did have were never given the opportunity to pass the “peck on the lips” stage. Anything beyond that scared the living **** out of me, and I didn’t want to go there.

However, I am now in the beginning stages of a new relationship. I met him online at a non-Catholic site. He’s a 25 year old church-going Catholic from a Catholic family. His mother is extremely devout- I believe she’s a secular Carmelite. This is only the second Catholic I’ve ever dated, but I now understand how important religious background is. We have similar up-bringings (stay-at-home moms, close family lives, rural, etc.) which is something that is important to me and, I think, to relationships in general. In short, all of the necessary foundational elements for a good relationship are there. We’ve met each other’s families and fit well. All the time we’ve spent together has been in the presence of family- we have a long distance relationship, and our only real option for seeing one another is full-weekend trips.

I now feel as though we’re running into a problem. We’ve started the whole “passionate kissing” thing- which, to be honest, I just don’t like, from a simple “preference” standpoint more even than a moral one. This past weekend, while watching a movie and cuddling a bit, he attempted to ease his hands under my shirt to touch bare skin on my waist. I moved his hands- and it kept happening. Finally, we talked about it. He admitted that he’s a “boob guy”. That’s fine. I just don’t believe in that kind of touching before marriage. I told him that until further notice (read: until my wedding night) any touching that he wouldn’t do in front of our mothers is pretty much off-limits.

Now, he said that he’s okay with that and that he doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable. But he did continue to push to see whether or not that limit was a “til marriage” limit or a “til we’re closer” limit. I continued on with my unfortunately rather vague “until further notice” speech and dropped it.

I know we’re both virgins, but I also know that he’s a very physically affectionate guy. He’s been in relationships where things went a heck of a lot farther than I’d have ever let things go, although he told me that he’s always been the one to put the breaks on when things got too far for his comfort. He’s lost relationships because he wanted to take things down a notch, and I really respect him for that. From what I hear, it’s not easy for a guy to stop once the “engines” are fired up.

I’m still really uncomfortable and scared though- not because I think he’s not going to respect my wishes and boundaries, because I’m fairly certain that he will- but because I know he’s thinking about me in a way that I don’t want to be thought about. I’m glad he’s attracted to me- I’m attracted to him too- but I don’t even want those thoughts in his head. I’m now doing my best to dress even more modestly that usual around him- lots of sweatshirts, t-shirts, baggy things.

Am I doing the right thing in allowing this relationship to continue? Or would I be better to end it now, before things get any farther? Is it normal for guys to be this way and have thoughts like that, even if they aren’t acting on them? It’s taken me so long to find a seemingly half-way decent Catholic guy- one that’s actually practicing, one that takes church teaching seriously on political matters, one that IS waiting until marriage (for some things… grr…)- that I don’t really want to let this one go. It’s extremely difficult to find young women who are virgins in my age bracket, much less young men. Also, as a scientist, I’ve got tons of trouble finding people in my field who are on my wavelength, politically and religiously. It just so happens that this guy is a scientist as well.

Please help- I’ve been talking to our Blessed Mother, St. Joan… I’m just confused and upset that he’s being this way. I really care about him.

Thanks in advance…
~Elyse
 
Welcome to CAF, Elyse! 👋

I really can’t give you concrete, definitive dating advice through the medium of an internet message board (seeing as how I don’t know you or your boyfriend personally). But I can speak in generalities based on my experience and the experience of those I have known in my life in light of what information you have provided. If something resonates with you, great. But if not, then no matter.

My first piece of advice is to pray. Pray a lot. Avail yourself of the sacraments as frequently as possible. Pray by yourself and also with your boyfriend. God will lead you in ways that none of our advice here on CAF can do.

I would say that I think physical boundaries in a relationship are tougher for guys than for girls. I would say that any “petting” is in the category of “not allowed” before marriage. I would hope that he can recognize why that is the case. But if he does not, is that reason enough to break up with him? I cannot really say. I think I would have an open conversation about it before deciding one way or the other, though.

It certainly can be tricky to find someone who shares your worldview and has a compatible personality. But, of course, you don’t need to find lots of people that fit the bill. Just one is enough. 🙂 So I think it’s worth asking whether you are committed to the relationship simply out of fear that no one better is likely to come along or if you truly and genuinely love and care for this guy in particular.

I would say that you certainly don’t have to make any snap decisions. Take some time. Pray. And see which direction gives you the most sense of peace.

God bless!
 
In my opinion, you’re doing everything right. I’d be proud to have you as my daughter. You’ll need to tell him just what you’ve posted here. If he is in complete knowledge of your feelings and wishes, the rest is up to him. He sounds like a keeper, but don’t keep him guessing where you stand. Tell him. If he can live with what you require, he could be the one for you. If he balks, you know he’s wrong for you.
 
Thanks for the replies and the advice.

To be honest, I can’t tell yet whether I like him for him or whether I’m afraid I won’t find anything better. We haven’t made ourselves official yet, nor have we made even a preliminary commitment to one another. I think this is smart, especially considering the distance between us, which is only going to get longer when I move. I do know that neither one of us is actually seeing other people, but technically, that door is still open. Thus, even with him still in the picture, I will still have the opportunity to get out and meet “potentials” in my new city guilt-free. We’ve talked about making it official, but mutually decided to wait and see how things go once my graduate studies start.

That being said, both in my head and in my heart, at this time, I am reasonably committed to him and to whatever relationship we’ve started. He and I have a great time whenever we’re together, whether or not our families are there. We care about each other’s lives, keep ourselves informed on what the other is up to daily (he’s usually got some project or another going on his house, I’ve been studying for preliminary grad school placement exams, baby-sitting, etc.). We’re both very private about our faith lives though. We go to Mass together, talk about confession, church practices- he’s more conservative than I am when it comes to Mass preferences. I find that attractive. We tell the other that we’re praying for them, especially if something stressful is occurring. But we don’t pray together, we don’t talk about daily prayer, nada, nothing. I’m nervous about bring up praying together because I know it would make me uncomfortable and I have a feeling it would make him uncomfortable too.

As far as talking about boundaries- he’s not good at talking about feelings, or any other kind of private thing. The last time we talked about something sensitive, he clammed right up. Within an hour or so, I received several lengthy text messages in which he explained himself and his feelings very clearly, along with an apology for his inability to “use his words”. This inability to “use his words” makes having talks with him tricky. Since he’s more comfortable with texting/emailing that sort of thing, maybe that’s the medium to use to get through to him.

As another detail- I had initially told him that, in my next relationship, I didn’t think I was kissing til I was married. Having kissed in the past, I kinda already knew that with most guys, once the kissing starts, they have trouble setting boundaries and “no kissing” is a pretty clear boundary. Even with this in mind, he continued to get to know me which I felt really meant something. It’s only now that I’ve recanted on the kissing- because I wanted to, not because of him nagging- that he’s started pushing anything. I’m worried that he’s not going to believe any of my boundaries now. Maybe I should have stuck to my guns with the “no kissing” thing after all, but when we finally did kiss, I initiated and only then because it felt like the right thing to do.

Maybe I should simply compose an email, laying it on the line. He can make the decision he wishes. I do, however, in sort of a “sister in Christ” sort of way, feel responsible for him. Whether he thinks he is or not, he’s sinning when he acts on his inclinations. If he dated another girl, more than likely, that other girl isn’t going to stop him and he’s going to sink deeper and deeper into the pit he’s dug for himself already. As long as he’s willing to stick with me, he’s not going to get anywhere and, in some ways, would be safe from himself- and I’d hope he’d realize that and respect me more for it.

Thanks again for the replies!
 
If he isn’t respecting your boundaries then you end it. If you’re not officially in a relationship together you shouldn’t be kissing in the first place. One thing I really haven’t heard a lot about in your post is love. I hear religion, politics, profession, wavelength but oddly nothing about love so I hope you understand that those other things are really not a benefit in a relationship if you do not love the person. And I’m not talking about “love like a brother” type of love either. It just sounds like your more torn up because you think you won’t find another guy with these same interests rather than because you love him.
 
I guess I’ve never thought of kissing as an “only in an official relationship” sort of thing, especially the peck-on-the-lips sort. Not that I go around kissing everybody and their brother- I certainly don’t. But I’ve definitely had guys go in for that kiss on a first or second date that ended up being a last. I’m sure their intent was to make a commitment, I just wasn’t feeling it. Likewise, in my current situation, our intent is to make a commitment or we wouldn’t be pursuing anything. If we didn’t think we could make it long-haul, we wouldn’t be making the effort to see each other every weekend. We just got to the point where I trusted him enough to initiate a kiss, and he and I both know that kisses, especially those on my end, are NOT shared lightly.

I’m also uncomfortable with the thought of “loving” someone after only knowing them for 6 months, with much of that “getting to know” period happening via text, email, and phone. Could I love him? Yes. Do I currently care very deeply for him? Absolutely, and he’s told me as much from his end. Maybe my definition of love is too stiff, but I don’t throw around that term lightly. I don’t even tell my grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, or friends that I love them, nor do I talk of loving them. As things stand, that’s reserved for God, Mom and Dad, and my siblings. And my pets, but that’s something different entirely.

For another bit of clarification: I also suspect that much of my “uncomfortable and scared-ness” is resulting from my general up-night nature when it comes to any sort of physical contact whatsoever. I’m extremely guarded- I don’t even hug close friends. My family only hugs hello and good-bye, rarely anything in-between. This is why I’m loathe to nix it just because I’m uncomfortable with it- part of it is me, not him. Should he be attempting to touch me like he is? No. Should I be as disturbed by it as I am? Probably not. I spoke with my Mom about this earlier today and told her what had gone down- we’re very close. She wasn’t as freaked out as I thought she might get- her advice for if it happens again, having spent almost as much time with him as I have, was to simply tell him “no”, reiterate the discussion we had about boundaries, and let him make of that what he will. If he’s willing to respect me, no matter what he wants, he’s okay. She even hinted that my father was much the same way during my mom’s and his courtship- Mom held her ground with such things, of course, and they’ve now been happily married for 25 years. This makes me feel better. I trust him completely, and don’t think I have to feel scared.

I think he’d make a fantastic husband and father. He’s hinted that he thinks I’d be a good wife and mom. We’re both looking ahead at something much bigger than ourselves, and we both know that good people don’t come around every day. I can see opportunities for him to make me a better person, just as I can see opportunities for me to make him a better person- and someone once said that a good relationship is one that makes you want to be a better person. I can’t speak for him, but I know for myself, he’s definitely opened my eyes to ways I can improve myself, especially in matters of following church teaching and being open to God’s plan.

I guess maybe I’ve just answered my own question- maybe I should have chatted with Mom sooner. I’ll have to wait until the next time we’re together, probably this weekend, and see how things go. If he reigns himself in, as I suspect he will, it’s full speed ahead again. If not, I’ll take things from there. I’m not afraid to cut him loose if things get too weird. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’ll have a whole new church and school community to meet and mingle with in just about 2 and a half weeks. God will put the right man in my path if this guy isn’t the one, I just have to make myself available.

At any rate, I really appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut from everyone- it’s good to be reassured that I’m not alone in feeling weird about this stuff. It’s also good to get support for my choice to be chaste. That’s not an easy path to follow for youth in this day in age- even of the girls in my closest circle, I’m the last one left who’s sticking to my guns when it comes to stuff like this. And even I could stand to reign in some of my joking and occasional flirting.

Here’s hoping the Blessed Mother especially present in mine and my guy’s heart and the hearts of anyone else in situations similar to mine.
 
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