“Silent marriage crisis” advice needed

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Dolores

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I was on these forums years ago and I can say that not only has it enriched me greatly, but over the years, the marriage advice I would apply or give was often something from the wise members on this forum.

Most are gone from what I can see but I hope to still find the same sound and inspiring Catholic advice for my current situation.

In short, for me, personally, our relationship has completely dried up. Due to DHs long work hours and him simply being so absent from our lives, even when he is around, we are usually discussing future projects or his work, I feel like I have completely detached myself emotionally from him.

Back in our early days, I used to cry or feel neglected when he entered that black hole of deadlines. Now, I feel nothing. Nothing when he is gone , nothing when he is present. What’s worse (or maybe better) is that he doesn’t see it at all. He thinks our marriage is wonderful, he is thanking me often for being so supportive of what he does, for being such a great and dedicated mother, for keeping down the fort and helping him so much with all his load. He praises me for keeping up with my fitness, for giving him great ideas, for managing so well on my own.
All I can see is what a great ASSET I am to him.
Yes, he is a great father, when he is around, yes we work well together on our common projects. But mostly, I feel disconnected, like roommates, great friends, great colleagues.

Even when he tries to go out of his way to do things for me, he found out what my love language is so he’s trying to check off things from that list and that’s exactly what it feels like. As if he now has a set of requirements and wants to prove how well he can meet them. Whereas for me, I just get hopeless thinking wow, it feels so dry even when he **tries **

So my dilemma is, obviously I have no desire to be intimate with him. I’m so detached emotionally I just can’t bring myself to be physically interested, though that part of the marriage used to be strong until the past few months. My question is, do I fake it (‘till I make it)?

I’ve tried raising the emotional issue several times and according to him, it’s just a case of me having it too good. Again, according to him, our family life is as perfect as it gets. I wish I knew how to have the long and hard talk Wendy West had with Christopher West, when they were, in what seemed to be, a similar situation. We are both explosive people though, so I just don’t think it would go over well.

So the question remains, what do I do about the physical renewal of marital vows? If I could force myself to feel anything for him , I would. And it doesn’t take much, we’ve been through worse crisis before but this aspect never took a hit as hard as it did now. Now, I almost shudder at the idea of having to be intimate.
 
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It sounds like he is really trying to make you feel loved. Do you have any kind of date night in place to reconnect? Maybe activity dates rather than just dinner so you can bond over the activity. Consider looking for any kind of programs for married couples offered by parishes near you.
 
Apologies, I’m not Catholic, but I do want to try and give you some advice if I can.

I would really recommend marriage counseling to help you improve your communication, and get back to where you need to be. He needs to listen to you and how you feel, because nothing will improve if he doesn’t. To me it sounds like he’s taking all he wants from you - a sounding board, someone to keep everything running smoothly for him and giving a token gesture (doing something for you because he knows that’s your love language) before going back to what it is he’s doing. In short, it sounds to me like he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say because everything about the situation benefits him and he doesn’t want it to change.

I know some on here would suggest that you are intimate with your husband. I don’t know and I’m not married, but I think the issue here is something you shouldn’t try to “fake until you make it”. I think the problem is he just doesn’t want to hear it and until he does, nothing will change.
 
Yes, we do date nights. We end up discussing our ideas over a nice dinner, or we do sports together.
 
Thank you, this was actually helpful. At least, it seems to me like an accurate assessment. We did do a marriage enrichment course, we have read the 5 Love Languages, it helps for the moment being, and then everything goes back to status quo.
I think that of all things you mentioned, the one that resonated most was being a “sounding board”. I almost feel like that sums it all up.

He provides a great living, so as far as he’s concerned, nothing is missing.
 
I’m so glad you are still on here Monicad. You were one of the members whose posts left the greatest impression on me years ago.

I just feel like what he is doing is so technical. He will hand me a beautifully wrapped, expensive gift, while we’re in the car, driving to the mall. That kind of thing. Or he’ll surprise me with something that I do not enjoy at all and he’ll say : “ well, it’s the thought that counts” leaving me feeling ungrateful for the great trouble he went through to make that unenjoyable experience happen.
It’s not that I don’t believe he loves me, it’s more that I do not like the way in which he loves me. He’s so involved with his business world and what he is doing there, and he’s doing great things for many people, that’s true, but I feel like a sidekick, one that he couldn’t live without.

Right now he is gone on a 2 week business trip and honestly, I feel relieved. I feel like life is easier, calmer and more peaceful now that it’s just me and the kids (even though, I am obviously much less free). He explicitly asked me if I missed him and I didn’t even know what to say, so I changed the subject (the hard truth is that I don’t).
 
By the way, how have you been lately? I do remember some of your struggles. Especially with your eldest son, from what I remember. I was so amazed that you would take the time to listen and to give such wonderful advice to people, who objectively, had much lighter crosses than you did. Be blessed! Thank you for being here!
 
Dolores said:
Even when he tries to go out of his way to do things for me, he found out what my love language is so he’s trying to check off things from that list and that’s exactly what it feels like. As if he now has a set of requirements and wants to prove how well he can meet them. Whereas for me, I just get hopeless thinking wow, it feels so dry even when he **tries **
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Ok, to be honest this sounds a little harsh, I mean, he’s clearly trying here, maybe you should cut him some slack.

I read your post and from your own words it seems like he has done things to actively love you and provide for your family. What have you done to try to bring back some feeling? I mean from your post it sounds like if you asked him to do something different maybe he’d have a crack at that?

I don’t think this is all on him though, I mean you also said you think he sees you as an asset. Maybe try re-framing the way you have interpreted his comments, It sounds like he’s just trying to say something nice about you.

On top of all that, would it help if he could cut down on some work or change to a more family friendly role?
 
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It sounds like you both have checked out emotionally to an extent. He seems to have a history of dismissing your feelings and that’s not fair on you at all. What you said about gratitude and him buying you presents really struck a chord - to an extent it is the thought that counts, but there doesn’t appear to have been much thought behind it, if you see what I mean. It’s interesting that his reaction is to become defensive, which seems to be his default when you tell him you’re unhappy with something.

I definitely recommend you push to go to counselling together. He needs to hear you, properly hear you instead of giving you lip-service. I would hope that with a good counselor he will see things have to change.

Honestly I think I would tell him straight what you said “I don’t like the way you love me”. Or maybe you could write it, like a letter and give it to him to read. Maybe some blunt honesty might shock him into listening.
 
You are in the worst time for a “good marriage”. This is when secular advice is that you have fallen out of love and you deserve to be happy so leave.

This is the “dark night of the soul” marriage wise.

Women in this time are VERY vulnerable to affairs, so, keep your guard up.

The book that helped me through the same thing was Matthew Kelly’s Seven Levels of Intimacy.

Studies show that pushing through these times a marriage will end up better after, and it does pass.

 
As I read your post and the good replies, I had to reflect back on my marriage and the times that echo the position you are now facing. I would just like to offer a few thoughts.

You said you had gone to a marriage enrichment, and you seem to be familiar with the book, The Five Love Languages. Was that what the enrichment was based upon? It does sound like your love tank is running on empty. I would like to challenge you to take a look at the “languages” again and see if your husband really knows what feeds you. It sounds like he thinks one thing, but you feel another.

It does sound like you talk and communicate. Is this on a intimate level where you can truly express the feelings within you and really listen to each other (not just hear). @Cruciferi’s post aid part of it well; it a failure to communicate in the depth needed.

Intimacy and do I fake it till I make it. Just my opinion (as is all of this), but no. I can’ see that resolving the underlying issues, and it might reinforce the idea that all is good.

Lastly, I will put in a shameless plug: Worldwide Marriage Encounter. Most men have to be coerced, or cajoled into attending. It does push each spouse to look deeply at themselves, their relationship as a Sacrament, and God’s plan for them. It can be found around the US and in many countries around the world.

Thank you for causing me to reflect on my marriage and our fantastic journey. I wish the best for you and your husband.
 
I hear you. He does and says the right things.

If I had even a hint of power of denial I could easily go around claiming we’re the happiest couple there is. But the truth is, that his very way of being makes me see beyond his actions.
Yes he says he loves me and that he couldn’t have married a more amazing woman, but if we have a plan and a client calls, guess who ends up on the back burner.

When he has deadlines he can work through the night, through the weekend and then he promises to take time off to spend with us, which he does, but then, he obviously, ends up spending most of that time sleeping.
Again, all of this used to hurt, anger and frustrate me. Maybe that was good. Now, I just shrug and think: what’s new?
I love working with him on the projects that we’re both passionate about, I love how good he is with the children but as a couple, there isn’t even the slightest spark.
 
You get it, Lou!
Thank you so much for offering such a great diagnostic. We do talk about EVERYTHING except my slow emotional death. The 2 times I tried to bring it up it ended in a terrible fight (about me being ungrateful).
monicad’s answer poses the right question: can he even love me the way I want and need to be loved? I’m leaning towards: no. So would counseling still be helpful?
When we were dating, engaged, first married I was taken with his professed love and dependency on me. It felt great to be with someone who thought you were the most amazing thing on the planet. Now, it just got old. Though, from the outside, people are so impressed with how highly he speaks of me and what a devoted dad he is.
 
Yes, you’re spot on. I often think of myself as being in the “Dark night of the heart.”
You are right about everything.

I am getting the book right now!
Thank you so much.
 
I’ve asked myself those exact questions. I am not sure what the answer is. We have had brief periods, post-crisis, that were amazing.
We are both extremely passionate people, so that gives me hope. Does he care enough to get that back? He probably will, if something’s drastic happens. For now, his work schedule is much too intense for him to even notice that our intimacy is completely stale.
One day, something will give, that will make him want to fight for this marriage again.

I have also considered that this is just what I needed in order to draw closer to God. But at the same time, I think: Lord, you created marriage to be a reflection of your love. Spouses are channels of Your love and grace for each other , I am feeling anything but that.
I guess it’s much like having to grow up with unloving, distant or disinterested parents. It hurts more when the very source of love empties you of it.

He often tells me that I am, literally, the best part of him, that if it weren’t for me being his inspiration he wouldn’t have changed his life around, he would have never gotten where is or done what he has done. I just sit and think: I wish I could say that! For me, much of the time I feel like I have gotten where I did INSPITE of him, not because of him, But maybe that’s what God was referring to when He made woman the “helper”.

Your strength , wisdom and perseverance are very inspiring. I will remember to pray for you and your family again!
 
Thank you for the wise words. Indeed, our communication is not on a deep level. We can talk about most anything, expressing my hurts is not one of them.

I will look into the program you linked!

I do hope that one day, I will be able to reflect back on this time as something passed, redeemed and glorified.
 
Frankly, this is frigthening. Lord have mercy.

Please have mercy on your husband. Remember your marriage vows, that it is for better and for worse. When the time is good, then there is no problem, but when it is bad, that is when you should dig deep into your reservoir of goodness and love him, remembering that you have given your life for him.

The reality of when a spouse stop feeling for the husband is truly frigthening because it could happen to anyone of us. Just think if the table is turned and he is you, and you are him.

The love that God wants us to have is to love even when we do not feel like it.

Sex is not the only thing in a marriga life. Sometimes there can be even none at all. More importantly is to peservere, to be charitable, not to go into self-wants and importance but always remembering the marriage partner and to live for his good.

God bless.
 
I agree with some of the other posters that it’s essentially a communication issue.
I think maybe the thing of dismissing “feelings” as irrelevant is something that we men might be prone to, expecially if we are “good husbands” in practical terms.
I think I was in danger of doing that to my wife, and still have to work at acknowledging that her feelings matter, even if it’s not the way I see things.

It sounds like you should lay down some boundaries regarding work time not invading family time. Is it possible for him to cut back on hours/flexitime/find a different job?

I think both of you probably need to make a change in order to get through this, possibly an outside counsellor is the best option as it’s someone professional who will just state what they see as the problem and not beat around the bush.
 
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