10 yrs, 5 kids, Unmarried, Help

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BeaumontAlum

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I am very torn and sad right now. I was born and raised Catholic but after going away to college I strayed from the Church. I met someone and after 2 years we had our first child and moved in together. Fast foward we have been together 10 years and have 5 children together. During this time while I was not sure about being Catholic, I always prayed, attended Church and wanted to maintain a relationship with Christ. Marriage has come up but I never pressed the issue. He is from a broken home and had an abusive mother. His father married 5 times, leaving him at the mercy of his mom. He has serious issues with marriage and I understood that and was ok with it for a while. In the last 2 years I missed the Church, attended mass more often and began reading the Bible. The problem now is I really want to fully rejoin the Church but do not want to loose my family. I want my kids to grow up in a two parent home and do not want to leave my partner. I know the short answer is I have to make a choice but someone told me God knows your heart. My intentions are good, I want only the best for my kids but know Im living in sin. I have been very saddened and depressed lately, this seems like an impossible choice. I feel like Godwouldnt want me to seperate kids and Dad, we live a descent spiritual lives. Please pray for me and know I realize that I deserve some of this turmoil. Had I remained truely faithful I would not be in this position now. I would also like some thoughts too. Thank you and God Bless.
 
Glade to here your on your journey home. go talk to a priest about coming home (to the church). my SIL had two kids out of wedlock and got married in the Church a few years later. they got to stay together but had to sleep in separate rooms etc until they were married in the Church. I think it was a 4 month process here in our church. I hope you find the process obtainable. your husband doesn’t have to become Catholic my BIL never did. I hope your husband is ok with you wanting to get married in the church. God Bless
 
BeaumontAlum said:
I am very torn and sad right now. I was born and raised Catholic but after going away to college I strayed from the Church. I met someone and after 2 years we had our first child and moved in together. Fast foward we have been together 10 years and have 5 children together. During this time while I was not sure about being Catholic, I always prayed, attended Church and wanted to maintain a relationship with Christ. Marriage has come up but I never pressed the issue. He is from a broken home and had an abusive mother. His father married 5 times, leaving him at the mercy of his mom. He has serious issues with marriage and I understood that and was ok with it for a while. In the last 2 years I missed the Church, attended mass more often and began reading the Bible. The problem now is I really want to fully rejoin the Church but do not want to loose my family. I want my kids to grow up in a two parent home and do not want to leave my partner. I know the short answer is I have to make a choice but someone told me God knows your heart. My intentions are good, I want only the best for my kids but know Im living in sin. I have been very saddened and depressed lately, this seems like an impossible choice. I feel like Godwouldnt want me to seperate kids and Dad, we live a descent spiritual lives. Please pray for me and know I realize that I deserve some of this turmoil. Had I remained truely faithful I would not be in this position now. I would also like some thoughts too. Thank you and God Bless.
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Deal with where you are at, and try not to dwell too much on all the what ifs in regards to if you had made different choices. Regardless of how it came to be you have been blessed with 5 precious children. Have you spoken to your partner about any of this? Does he know about your renewed faith and wish to get back into communion with the Church. Perhaps he would be willing to go and speak to a priest with you. If not then go alone. Maybe with some counseling though he would be willing and ready to consider marriage. It sounds like he had a rough childhood, but with the right help he may be able to deal with that and move on and accept that he is his own person and not destined to repeat the acts of his mother.

Anyways, if you haven’t already then speak to your partner, and then to talk to a priest.
 
This is really a crazy idea… and may not be achievable (although I don’t believe there is any prohibition against it in the Church):

Perhaps if your boyfriend is extremely reluctant to marry, he would agree to being married in the the Church without being also civilly married. I honestly don’t know how this would work in the USA, but I know it is possible in other countries where Catholic priests are not allowed to legally officiate in civil marriages. In those countries, the Catholic wedding and the civil wedding are two completely separate things and have nothing to do with each other.

So it seems to me that it should also be possible in the USA. If so, it could be a 10-minute ceremony in the sacristy or rectory with just the priest and a pair of witnesses. This would have no legal ramifications in most states (thus perhaps easing the boyfriend’s mind) but would still be a true sacramental marriage in the Church and thus would allow you to be fully reintegrated into the Church.
 
Have you spoken to your priest about validating your marriage and regarding how to proceed?
I know you may feel nervous, but this is the first step towards peace of soul and mind.

Be of good heart, you are on the journey to putting things right.
If your husband is unwilling to take an active part in validating your marriage, there is a way that Canon Law allows to bring about validation.

Article 2: Retroactive Validation
Canon 1161 §1 The retroactive validation of an invalid marriage is its validation without the
renewal of consent, granted by the competent authority. It involves a dispensation from an
impediment if there is one and from the canonical form if it had not been observed, as well as a referral back to the past of the canonical effects.
§2 The validation takes place from the moment the favor is granted; the referral back, however, is understood to have been made to the moment the marriage was celebrated, unless it is otherwise expressly provided.
 
BeaumontAlum,
First, Welcome back! God has many ways of drawing us back to Him, pray for the father of your children.
Trishie said:
Have you spoken to your priest about validating your marriage and regarding how to proceed?
I know you may feel nervous, but this is the first step towards peace of soul and mind.

Be of good heart, you are on the journey to putting things right.
If your husband is unwilling to take an active part in validating your marriage, there is a way that Canon Law allows to bring about validation.
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No, they are not married at all.
 
The necessary step now is to speak to the priest regarding what must be done, and whether the Canon can be applied if the partner refuses to marry.

Our prayers are needed here
 
BeaumontAlum said:
I am very torn and sad right now. I was born and raised Catholic but after going away to college I strayed from the Church. I met someone and after 2 years we had our first child and moved in together. Fast foward we have been together 10 years and have 5 children together. During this time while I was not sure about being Catholic, I always prayed, attended Church and wanted to maintain a relationship with Christ. Marriage has come up but I never pressed the issue. He is from a broken home and had an abusive mother. His father married 5 times, leaving him at the mercy of his mom. He has serious issues with marriage and I understood that and was ok with it for a while. In the last 2 years I missed the Church, attended mass more often and began reading the Bible. The problem now is I really want to fully rejoin the Church but do not want to loose my family. I want my kids to grow up in a two parent home and do not want to leave my partner. I know the short answer is I have to make a choice but someone told me God knows your heart. My intentions are good, I want only the best for my kids but know Im living in sin. I have been very saddened and depressed lately, this seems like an impossible choice. I feel like Godwouldnt want me to seperate kids and Dad, we live a descent spiritual lives. Please pray for me and know I realize that I deserve some of this turmoil. Had I remained truely faithful I would not be in this position now. I would also like some thoughts too. Thank you and God Bless.
Click to expand...
Talk to your partner. Suggest that both of you get counseling. Tell him that you want to return to the Church and cannot do so if you are living together as an unmarried couple. Will he talk to your priest?

In some states, you would be considered as married (common-law) but I take it you are from Texas and it’s not automatic here - you have to hold yourself out as married to others, which if he’s nervous about marriage you probably have not done this.

There is no reason to go back and beat yourself up. That was over 10 years ago, it’s water under the bridge. God is calling you to come back Home now, He will show you the way.

Glad you are here!

:hug3:
 
A tough post for me to answer. I don’t know you.

Your best bet is to take the above advice, gut it out and see a priest. He’s there to help you, not condemn you or hurt you. (If he does, just let Captain America here know, and I’ll put the Big Whomp on him! ).
 
Perhaps you could put it to your boyfriend as something that is important to you? Surely if he loves you and is committed to you, then he would be willing to do this?
 
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