A
Alligator
Guest
Howdy,
I’m preparing to go to confession since I was told that as a baptized Protestant seeking communion with the CC, I could confess at any time. So this week I will confess. I hope I am not delaying it too long. I have lost most of my hair recently from stress and worry and growing up without any theological guidance and trying to make up for all of it immediately. There is almost none of me left, apparently most everything I do is a sin.
I’ve done the exam of conscience. I’ve written down my sins twice and then typed them up. A nagging thought is that I am not putting enough time or effort into something as powerful as forgiveness. However, I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how many times I’ve said this or felt that in decades! So I categorized them into continuous, habitual, many times, a few times, and once or twice. I hope this suffices. Most of my sins are internal. I’ve tried to list them all but I see a rabbit hole. I’m don’t know the difference between a thought and a legit feeling because I never really considered thoughts sinful or held custody of them, so I’ve thought about everything. Not even just a passing thought because I’m plagued with intrusive thoughts. I mean I’ve probably entertained any thought that’s ever occured to me. I fleshed them out to whatever conclusion satisfies me. Here are some problems I’m having.
One, I dont know everything evil I’ve ever done. But perhaps if I kept waiting and thinking and delayed confession I could remember it? Two, I probably have a lot of butterfly effect sins. I mean causing others to sin due to my own sins. And then that goes to the next person, etc. Goodness you never really know how your actions shape the world. Something small could make a guy hurt himself or take it out on his kids or at least despair. Three, different aspects of the same sin. Let’s say my mother caught me stealing a nudity magazine. Ha! Do I confess looking at the magazine, stealing it, or dishonoring my mother separately? This is just an example, but there are several aspects of the same sin.
I have legitimately grave sins to confess, but paradoxically I also suffer from scrupulosity. It’s more of a lack of assurance about anything because I thought I was right as a Protestant. I felt perfectly justified. So apparently my feelings mean nothing. So I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. Nothing makes any sense, and everything seems to be eternal hell or abundant purgatory. From a guy that is extremely conscientious and introspective and that lives and works alone and doesn’t see people, this has been a nightmare. It all feels so bizarre and irrational. Taken to it’s conclusion, at least in my mind, I don’t know how any Catholics deal with this system with sanity if they believe in eternal hell and have thought about eternity. The thing I liked about whatever view I used to have was that I’m too stupid, lazy, and conniving to be trusted with any piece of my own salvation. Now, I despair not because of God, but because I’m such a screw up. I feel like the odds of me making it out of here in good shape are very small.
See you later,
Alligator
I’m preparing to go to confession since I was told that as a baptized Protestant seeking communion with the CC, I could confess at any time. So this week I will confess. I hope I am not delaying it too long. I have lost most of my hair recently from stress and worry and growing up without any theological guidance and trying to make up for all of it immediately. There is almost none of me left, apparently most everything I do is a sin.
I’ve done the exam of conscience. I’ve written down my sins twice and then typed them up. A nagging thought is that I am not putting enough time or effort into something as powerful as forgiveness. However, I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how many times I’ve said this or felt that in decades! So I categorized them into continuous, habitual, many times, a few times, and once or twice. I hope this suffices. Most of my sins are internal. I’ve tried to list them all but I see a rabbit hole. I’m don’t know the difference between a thought and a legit feeling because I never really considered thoughts sinful or held custody of them, so I’ve thought about everything. Not even just a passing thought because I’m plagued with intrusive thoughts. I mean I’ve probably entertained any thought that’s ever occured to me. I fleshed them out to whatever conclusion satisfies me. Here are some problems I’m having.
One, I dont know everything evil I’ve ever done. But perhaps if I kept waiting and thinking and delayed confession I could remember it? Two, I probably have a lot of butterfly effect sins. I mean causing others to sin due to my own sins. And then that goes to the next person, etc. Goodness you never really know how your actions shape the world. Something small could make a guy hurt himself or take it out on his kids or at least despair. Three, different aspects of the same sin. Let’s say my mother caught me stealing a nudity magazine. Ha! Do I confess looking at the magazine, stealing it, or dishonoring my mother separately? This is just an example, but there are several aspects of the same sin.
I have legitimately grave sins to confess, but paradoxically I also suffer from scrupulosity. It’s more of a lack of assurance about anything because I thought I was right as a Protestant. I felt perfectly justified. So apparently my feelings mean nothing. So I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. Nothing makes any sense, and everything seems to be eternal hell or abundant purgatory. From a guy that is extremely conscientious and introspective and that lives and works alone and doesn’t see people, this has been a nightmare. It all feels so bizarre and irrational. Taken to it’s conclusion, at least in my mind, I don’t know how any Catholics deal with this system with sanity if they believe in eternal hell and have thought about eternity. The thing I liked about whatever view I used to have was that I’m too stupid, lazy, and conniving to be trusted with any piece of my own salvation. Now, I despair not because of God, but because I’m such a screw up. I feel like the odds of me making it out of here in good shape are very small.
See you later,
Alligator
