17 year old daughter wants bf to move in

[wings68]

We are struggling with our 17 year old. She says her 17 year old boyfriend has no place to go. She wants him to move in. We are totally against since this only invites them to play married. She has threatened to leave with him if we don’t accept. Heart broken and feeling held hostage. Prayers and advice please.

 

[RedSoxWife]

We are struggling with our 17 year old. She says her 17 year old boyfriend has no place to go. She wants him to move in. We are totally against since this only invites them to play married. She has threatened to leave with him if we don’t accept. Heart broken and feeling held hostage. Prayers and advice please.

Prayers! I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

In your state is she legally an adult? And does he not have family or was kicked out, or is it just typical teenage fighting with parents and deciding on his own to leave?

I can’t imagine what you’re going through. But as hard as it would be I think my husband’s and my response would be that he can’t be living here with you under our roof. It’s just too much of a temptation and a near occasion of sin for anyone, much less two teenagers with raging hormones. If she’s legally an adult in your state you can’t stop her from leaving. But I wouldn’t support her financially in any way if she does make that decision. Let her know that the door’s always open for her, but that you can’t support a situation that would put that sort of temptation upon her. And pray and pray and pray.

That’s just my two cents though… and it comes from the point of view of someone who was a stupid 17 year old. I’d always done so well in school and made such good decisions that I feel like my parents trusted me too much and gave me too long of a leash. In hindsight I do wish they’d been stricter when I was still under their roof.

 

[JackieMom]

Are his parents deceased? I’d get more information on your daughter’s definition of “no place to go.” If he ia truly homeless (i.e. leaving an abusive home, parents deceased) at no fault of his own, I would not have him stay with your family, but may try to pull some strings with other families with sons in your daughter’s class.

 

[PaulinVA]

17 year olds are not allowed to make ultimatums to their parents. That can’t happen.

Perhaps he can stay with a male friend’s family. Perhaps he has to reconcile with his parents.

Wings68, you have to get your daughter away from this boy in a way that does not poison your relationship with her.

 

[gardenswithkids]

What a difficult situation! Prayers for you.
You didn’t say, but why doesn’t her boyfriend have any place to go? How I respond would depend on that more than anything. Where are his parents and why doesn’t he live with them? Is the fault with the parents or with the boyfriend’s behavior? Does he have any functional family members that you can speak with about this?

I do know a very wonderful Catholic family took in the son’s girlfriend. Whe was a innocent and lovely person, who through no fault of her own, came from a highly disfunctional family. No one give them an ultimatum to make that happen! The parents did it because they knew her and they loved her. She was also friend of their daughters and almost a daughter to them too. They had a large enough house that there were very separate living arrangements–and the parents watched them very carefully.

I don’t like that your 17 yo gave you an ultimatum. That alone would make me think that this arrangement would not work out because of the disrespect it shows. But if he’s someone you want your daughter dating and he has no where else to go, then I’d get involved in* finding someplace else* for him to go.

 

[svid2]

I will offer my prayers. Pax Christi.

 

[mountee]

Tough love may or may not work, only you know your daughter. I do not believe that this has to happen and I assure you there are many sources for you to tap into for help. Obviously, your parish and your priest but also the counselor at your daughters’ school can be very helpful in organizing help for the bf. if he truly needs a pace to live something very serious is wrong in his life and getting him support and help would be my primary objective. God bless you as you sort this out.

 

[Margy1948]

We are struggling with our 17 year old. She says her 17 year old boyfriend has no place to go. She wants him to move in. We are totally against since this only invites them to play married. She has threatened to leave with him if we don’t accept. Heart broken and feeling held hostage. Prayers and advice please.

He sounds like a free loader to me.

I’d let him move in but he has to pay rent or do chores, if they’re going to play house they can do that whether he lives there or not.

Won’t you need to get some kind of legal okay on allowing a minor to live in your house?
If he gets hurt in your house could you be sued?

Your daughter has a good heart, and she’ll probably marry a guy with a hacking cough, like Franny Glass.

 

[Kelfa28]

We are struggling with our 17 year old. She says her 17 year old boyfriend has no place to go. She wants him to move in. We are totally against since this only invites them to play married. She has threatened to leave with him if we don’t accept. Heart broken and feeling held hostage. Prayers and advice please.

Leave with him and go where?

Seriously…she just said he has “no place to go.”

I’d tell her…she has two choices.

1. Absolutely no on him moving in.
2. She goes and she gets zero support from you…from that point on…unless she wants to come home and refer to rule number 1.

Lots of prayers.

Flood heaven with prayers for her.

But she needs some tough love.

 

[Kal2012]

It really depends on the situation. My husband was the 17 year old (years ago) who got kicked out his house by his dad. Thankfully, he was involved w/a parish Catholic youth group and the parents of his friends rotated him through their houses for a time. It wasn’t his fault that he got thrown out. His dad had it happen to him when he was 17, so he did the same to his son.

My husband slept in his car before his friends’ families took him in. He’s had to work twice as hard as his peers to be just as successful. It’s a shame when families can’t work their stuff out, but not all families know how to deal rationally with their problems.

However, it’s different if it’s a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. I’d help find a place for the kid to live, but not in your house, given that the temptation would be too great for your daughter (and him).

Also, if the daughter wants to leave, then you really can’t stop her.

It sounds though that really has no idea what she’ll be getting herself into, so I think that you need to open her eyes and show her what life would be like w/o mom/dad’s support.

If she thinks she can call mom and dad and get money, then I’d be reminding her real quick that she’ll be cut off and need money for an apartment/food. Her choices have consequences.

Does she have a J-O-B? She’ll need to figure that out too, if she doesn’t have one.

Remind her that her new lifestyle won’t include going to prom or having a lot of fun w/her friends either. Going out gets real expensive, real fast. Obviously, working will have to take the priority over high school or college, if she’s going to move out and help pay rent to shack up with the bf.

Expenses for one person is tough enough, but for 2…and if there’s a baby in a year…it’s time to be real with her about what she thinks she wants. The reality should wake her up if she has any sense. She’ll think you are ‘full of it’, but get on craigslist and start looking up one-bedroom apartments in your town/area and give her a list and ask her how she’s going to pay for a roof over her head. You definitely don’t want your kid to be homeless too!

I get being that age and being in love, but you’ve got to be proactive and show her the reality. She sees hearts and rainbows. She doesn’t see the practical reality of what life is going to be like for a couple of months after she’s moved out and mom and dad aren’t paying for the cell phone and internet, plus rent and food. Expense it out w/her. I’m willing to bet her expectations don’t match what she can realistically earn.

 

[englishredrose]

Is he aware that you are of strong Catholic Faith and very much so?

If so then you could actually suggest to your 17 year old, that if he trully has nowhere else to go then with you and your priest meet him and arrange some kind of Catholic Contract that he has to live by within your house and if he breaks it then he is free to leave.

You cannot make him be a Catholic but perhaps you could include he has to attend Church with you (and any other times he may want to go alone) but with you that once a week. Okay so if he isn’t Catholic he can’t exactly join in but if he really has nowhere else to go then attending church once a week wouldn’t be that bad especially if you can impress on him some church conduct stuff so he not too embarrassing for you. I don’t think you could enforce confession on him if he isn’t Catholic. Church may be a grey area but with your priest you could work that out. My betting is that any suggestion of church, he may well decide living with a Catholic Family Girlfriend mayn’t be the answer for him. This contract has nothing to do with your Girl accept for that you could add she attends every week and be more committed to the Catholic Faith in with him being there. But any discussions done via with the support of the priest so that your 17 year old and the boyfriend will see it not all just you, but what grounds he is to be there by. Would that work at all perhaps?

 

[triumphguy]

We are struggling with our 17 year old. She says her 17 year old boyfriend has no place to go. She wants him to move in. We are totally against since this only invites them to play married. She has threatened to leave with him if we don’t accept. Heart broken and feeling held hostage. Prayers and advice please.

It sounds like she is engaging in a spot of blackmail to get what she wants.

However, there’s a logical disconnect in her thinking.

If he has no place to live, then how can she leave and live with him?
If he has a place that he can take her to live together, then he can live there by himself.

You are going through a tough time. However, remember her feelings though powerful right now are not permanent. Play the long game.

Like others have suggested - he could stay with other families. Yours is not the only one. Even his school should be able to help suggest some alternatives. There are a ton of them.

If he stays at your house it’s going to get increasingly tough to get rid of him - even if (sorry, when) they break up.

 

[tbcrawford]

We are struggling with our 17 year old. She says her 17 year old boyfriend has no place to go. She wants him to move in. We are totally against since this only invites them to play married. She has threatened to leave with him if we don’t accept. Heart broken and feeling held hostage. Prayers and advice please.

I am so sorry you are facing such worries.I have been through so much with my three sons over the years.

My middle son (16 yrs old at the time )had been dating his 15 yr old girlfriend when her mother suddenly died of cancer aged 35 (undiagnosed).The father had never been on the scene.The grandmother had just died 6 months previously.Leaving an elderly grandfather alone and in poor health to care for a 9yr old and 15yr old.So a situatiuon developed where most weekends the girlfriend came to stay with us and her sister also. After a few weeks it becane apparent the grandfather was unable to care for the two daughters so we fostered them.

That was 10 yrs ago. Our son and his girlfriend both completed their further education very successfully and earned money with weekend jobs.My son became a bank manager and my daughter in law qualified in child care and works at a school.They married in the Catholic Church.We now have the most beaufitul and wonderful daughter in law in the world a gorgeous 4 yrs old grandson.They are the most amazing parents to their son! Far better than me! I am so proud of them.

The younger sister will be 20 this year and has her own apartment.She has had problems but we hope and pray things will settle for her again soon.

This is a just a little story of how we faced a similar dilemma and how it ended for us.For everyone it is different. There is no right or worng.

In the end you must do what you think is best.You know your daughter better than anyone. I hope you can keep that close relationship going so you can continue to ifluence her in positive ways and that she can see your love for her. That she may become responsible in her decision making and see you as her role model.

You are in my prayers

God bless

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me Amen

 

[oldfashcathgirl]

I will be praying for your family. :\

My parents would have said… “You get all of YOUR belongings and go.” The only reason they would have said that is because I didn’t own anything then and wouldn’t have been able to take anything.

Don’t be fearful in front of her or she may use that to her advantage. Be firm in anything you say.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I am so sorry you are facing such worries.I have been through so much with my three sons over the years.

My middle son (16 yrs old at the time )had been dating his 15 yr old girlfriend when her mother suddenly died of cancer aged 35 (undiagnosed).The father had never been on the scene.The grandmother had just died 6 months previously.Leaving an elderly grandfather alone and in poor health to care for a 9yr old and 15yr old.So a situatiuon developed where most weekends the girlfriend came to stay with us and her sister also. After a few weeks it becane apparent the grandfather was unable to care for the two daughters so we fostered them.

That was 10 yrs ago. Our son and his girlfriend both completed their further education very successfully and earned money with weekend jobs.My son became a bank manager and my daughter in law qualified in child care and works at a school.They married in the Catholic Church.We now have the most beaufitul and wonderful daughter in law in the world a gorgeous 4 yrs old grandson.They are the most amazing parents to their son! Far better than me! I am so proud of them.

The younger sister will be 20 this year and has her own apartment.She has had problems but we hope and pray things will settle for her again soon.

This is a just a little story of how we faced a similar dilemma and how it ended for us.For everyone it is different. There is no right or worng.

In the end you must do what you think is best.You know your daughter better than anyone. I hope you can keep that close relationship going so you can continue to ifluence her in positive ways and that she can see your love for her. That she may become responsible in her decision making and see you as her role model.

You are in my prayers

God bless

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me Amen

Thank you for posting this.

The OP needs to discuss this with his daughter in a calm fashion. There could be very different reasons why she wants him to move in.

Some reasons could be resonable for example the boyfriend really does not have a place to live

Other reasons might be totally unreasonable, she wants to move him in to facilitate an illicit realtionship.

You need to figure out what the reason is.

I’m not sure taking the “Tough Love” approach with her at this point is absouloutely necessary. She cares for this boy, and she might believe that she is trying to help him. She needs to be shown that helping him is a good thing, how she helps him depends on what is moral what is immoral.

She might be blinded by her emotions that she isn’t seeing the picture clearly and there could be a rational solution.

 

[Kal2012]

Every situation is different and I think that everyone has recognized that as they’ve given the OP advice. My goal is to encourage the OP to be real honest w/the girl and the bf because this trauma is going to change their relationship/situation.

It’s going to be tough because the girl is emotionally invested in the guy where as the OP has a different priority - their family.

The parents shouldn’t allow their daughter to emotionally blackmail them into something they don’t want for their family. However, it would be realistic to figure out what they could do to help. Would it be realistic letting him crash on the couch for a few weeks until a more permanent solution is found through the priest/community?

If the girl is threatening to run away with the guy, then I see that as a situation where the reality of living on their own needs to be pointed out. The reality of how that is going to change the family dynamic and her life needs to be spelled out clearly and unequivocally.

It may be that she’s saying it in anger and haste, but it doesn’t hurt to talk about it nonetheless. Her relationship with this boy has brought these issues into her life and she’s going to make choices based on this circumstance, regardless of whether you are involved or not. So, keep the lines of communication open and help them through this problem.

It would be more cruel to act like she’s going to have it easy, if she leaves your care and protection. If the OP lives in a cold climate, it’s February and it’s cold outside and do you really want the girl to live in a homeless shelter or have to find a warming center to keep warm because she’s decided to run off w/the bf? That’s just the practical reality of not having shelter in the middle of winter in a northern climate! There’s no way running away from home to be with bf in the winter time could seem like a good idea, if she actually thought about what she was saying!

Of course, you do that in love and respect, but that doesn’t negate the fact that it needs to be done. Sometimes, you just can’t sugar-coat reality. Sometimes, you really do make the choice between not-so-great choice #1 and not-so-great choice #2. This is one of those moments. The girl’s going through a rough time, but that doesn’t mean that gives her the right to treat her family badly.

I truly hope that this situation is resolved gracefully and with the least amount of pain possible. Being a teenager is rough enough w/o getting kicked out of your house. Praying for your situation.

 

[wings68]

O my goodness. I am so overwhelmed by all of your beautiful words of advice and above all prayers. Much to think about. And lots of reinforcement of what I was thinking. This was my first post and and am grateful to have such a wonderful forum to help heal the hearts of many.

I will stick to not allowing him move in and working on other solutions for him if needed.

Very much appreciated.