17 year old son looking at porn

[TheRealJuliane]

OK, we’ve had this problem before. I have put blocking software as well as monitoring software on the laptop he’s using, so I know what he’s been doing. He said that after he went to camp last summer, he had stopped looking at porn.

I think for a while, he did fight it, but last week, my older son left his ipod laying around unlocked and found porn on it. So the 17 year old has been using others’ stuff to grab porn, probably upload it onto his own phone. I have not had possession of his phone since he was at camp last year, when we wiped the memory chip out.

He tried for about 2 hours yesterday to crack K9 but never achieved his goal…that’s a great program. Also I’ve had SpectorPro on that laptop so I can see everything he does. Yes, it’s kind of creepy to have to do that, but up until after camp last summer, he was really being rebellious, running away, stealing stuff, telling his then-girlfriend that we were abusing him so she called CPS on us, I felt I had good reason for monitoring him, in case there were drugs or other things going on.

However, he has found whatever holes there are in K9 - you can still grab certain YouTube videos and still shots, and I think he found a way to download videos without viewing them, so he put them on his phone. I thought the software would stop him from doing that, but where there is a will, there will always be a way…I’ve been allowing him to have the laptop up in his room, trying to give him more latitude…well, that’s not working out very well.

He’s been saving the money he’s earning from his part-time job in order to buy his own laptop to use for his music. He says NO ONE is touching it and he’s password-protecting it so NO ONE can use it (read: so Mom can’t put blocking software on it).

It would be less of a problem if my husband would back me up on this, but I am pretty sure I am alone in wanting my son not to look at this filth. Hubby does not to my knowledge look at porn but he is not against it either, if you KWIM.

I am torn. On one hand I want to take his phone and throw it into the pool. As well as the laptop. On the other hand, he’s going to be out of my control when/if he goes to college anyway…I think he’s determined to do just exactly what he wants to do no matter what. He was so lying today, all the way to school, swearing up and down that he wasn’t doing anything like that any more, and I knew he was lying even before I checked the computer, because of his brother’s ipod.

If it were your kid, and you had no back-up from your spouse, what would you do? This is one of the problems of being unequally yoked - I am fighting the world AND the world inside my own home. And my husband does not like it that I monitor this son, he thinks I am wrong for doing that, that our son has the “right to his privacy.” So you see what I am facing.

 

[whm]

Well, the lying isn’t surprising. He is sinning and it is extremely embarrassing to him for his mom to know about it and question him about it. The question I would ask is if he wants to stop? He could be lying because he is embarrassed, but wants to stop. Or he could be lying because he thinks its okay, but wants to get you off his back. If its the former you can help him find help. If it is the ladder, you can help him by trying to show him why it is so wrong (its somebodies daughter or sister, they are manipulated with drugs etc.)

You can also point out to him that it should be a concern that he can’t seem to stop. Challenge him to stop for two weeks. If he can’t he should ask himself if this is really healthy. Explain to him that it will make a successful married sexual relationship very difficult and unsatisfying for both spouses.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Gosh, I don’t know what to tell you…I would tell you that it needs to come from dad, but as I understand, it won’t.

As for blocking, do you have an internet provider…they can possibly block before it reaches your home (I’m not sure if it is possible, but you might ask)

And maybe ask him if he is looking at that stuff. Ask why. Tell him that those women were once young innocent children, and are someone’s daughter, sister etc.

Prayers for you, and him. The world is very scary, I’m not looking forward to the teen years…

 

[whm]

Oh btw, I would change your router password. He may very well find other ways to get internet access, but it doesn’t have to be through your house. You also don’t want to be liable for any underage porn he might come accross.

 

[GraceDK]

OK, we’ve had this problem before. I have put blocking software as well as monitoring software on the laptop he’s using, so I know what he’s been doing. He said that after he went to camp last summer, he had stopped looking at porn.

I think for a while, he did fight it, but last week, my older son left his ipod laying around unlocked and found porn on it. So the 17 year old has been using others’ stuff to grab porn, probably upload it onto his own phone. I have not had possession of his phone since he was at camp last year, when we wiped the memory chip out.

He tried for about 2 hours yesterday to crack K9 but never achieved his goal…that’s a great program. Also I’ve had SpectorPro on that laptop so I can see everything he does. Yes, it’s kind of creepy to have to do that, but up until after camp last summer, he was really being rebellious, running away, stealing stuff, telling his then-girlfriend that we were abusing him so she called CPS on us, I felt I had good reason for monitoring him, in case there were drugs or other things going on.

However, he has found whatever holes there are in K9 - you can still grab certain YouTube videos and still shots, and I think he found a way to download videos without viewing them, so he put them on his phone. I thought the software would stop him from doing that, but where there is a will, there will always be a way…I’ve been allowing him to have the laptop up in his room, trying to give him more latitude…well, that’s not working out very well.

He’s been saving the money he’s earning from his part-time job in order to buy his own laptop to use for his music. He says NO ONE is touching it and he’s password-protecting it so NO ONE can use it (read: so Mom can’t put blocking software on it).

It would be less of a problem if my husband would back me up on this, but I am pretty sure I am alone in wanting my son not to look at this filth. Hubby does not to my knowledge look at porn but he is not against it either, if you KWIM.

I am torn. On one hand I want to take his phone and throw it into the pool. As well as the laptop. On the other hand, he’s going to be out of my control when/if he goes to college anyway…I think he’s determined to do just exactly what he wants to do no matter what. He was so lying today, all the way to school, swearing up and down that he wasn’t doing anything like that any more, and I knew he was lying even before I checked the computer, because of his brother’s ipod.

If it were your kid, and you had no back-up from your spouse, what would you do? This is one of the problems of being unequally yoked - I am fighting the world AND the world inside my own home. And my husband does not like it that I monitor this son, he thinks I am wrong for doing that, that our son has the “right to his privacy.” So you see what I am facing.

I think you need to first need to talk with your husband about it.
Its unacceptable, and you should both stand together and say that you don’t want this kind of prostitution under your roof anymore than you would accept fornication under your roof. Its your house, he can live by your rules or get a place of his own. Thats what I would say. Its totally disrespectful of anyone to be involved with such perversion inside of the house of a serious Christian woman and mother. Demand respect, even if your husband has lost sight of the dignity of sexuality and human beings.
Men who look at porn have a disrespect for all women, just like men who think prostitution is okay.

 

[GraceDK]

Explain to him that it will make a successful married sexual relationship very difficult and unsatisfying for both spouses.

Yea, I agree. Maybe you should go the route of telling him that if he chooses to fill his brain with this he is going to make his future wife very hurt, and he is going to wire himself for perversion and won’t be able to have a natural fulfilling conjugal life later on when he is ready agewise to get married.
Its such a tragedy.

 

[fermat]

How close to 18 is he? I’d say it’s time to bring the hammer down in a loving way. I would remind him that staying with you after 18 is a privilege and that there will be no porn watching or he is out. End of story.

As for you husband, that’s a different story. I would first talk to your pastor and then to your husband, possibly with the pastor. If he is unwilling to confront his son about this behavior, he is setting his own son up for a big fall.

I’ll pray for you and your family. This is such a difficult situation, but you must be the rock here.

 

[newbetx]

OK, we’ve had this problem before. I have put blocking software as well as monitoring software on the laptop he’s using, so I know what he’s been doing. He said that after he went to camp last summer, he had stopped looking at porn.

I think for a while, he did fight it, but last week, my older son left his ipod laying around unlocked and found porn on it. So the 17 year old has been using others’ stuff to grab porn, probably upload it onto his own phone. I have not had possession of his phone since he was at camp last year, when we wiped the memory chip out.

He tried for about 2 hours yesterday to crack K9 but never achieved his goal…that’s a great program. Also I’ve had SpectorPro on that laptop so I can see everything he does. Yes, it’s kind of creepy to have to do that, but up until after camp last summer, he was really being rebellious, running away, stealing stuff, telling his then-girlfriend that we were abusing him so she called CPS on us, I felt I had good reason for monitoring him, in case there were drugs or other things going on.

However, he has found whatever holes there are in K9 - you can still grab certain YouTube videos and still shots, and I think he found a way to download videos without viewing them, so he put them on his phone. I thought the software would stop him from doing that, but where there is a will, there will always be a way…I’ve been allowing him to have the laptop up in his room, trying to give him more latitude…well, that’s not working out very well.

He’s been saving the money he’s earning from his part-time job in order to buy his own laptop to use for his music. He says NO ONE is touching it and he’s password-protecting it so NO ONE can use it (read: so Mom can’t put blocking software on it).

It would be less of a problem if my husband would back me up on this, but I am pretty sure I am alone in wanting my son not to look at this filth. Hubby does not to my knowledge look at porn but he is not against it either, if you KWIM.

I am torn. On one hand I want to take his phone and throw it into the pool. As well as the laptop. On the other hand, he’s going to be out of my control when/if he goes to college anyway…I think he’s determined to do just exactly what he wants to do no matter what. He was so lying today, all the way to school, swearing up and down that he wasn’t doing anything like that any more, and I knew he was lying even before I checked the computer, because of his brother’s ipod.

If it were your kid, and you had no back-up from your spouse, what would you do? This is one of the problems of being unequally yoked - I am fighting the world AND the world inside my own home. And my husband does not like it that I monitor this son, he thinks I am wrong for doing that, that our son has the “right to his privacy.” So you see what I am facing.

A constant problem, I understand. Does not help when the anti-virus programs kill the filters, either.

There comes a time when you can’t control everything. And trying to force the issue only makes it worse.

I put the whole house filter on the modem from OpenDNS. It does a great job at home but you can’t do much about other places.

I’ve heard that if you sprinkle enough Holy water on a laptop that does not follow the house rules, then it will stop functioning. Of course the water also does not have to be Holy to achieve the same result.

I’ve often thought about using the sledge hammer on the technology around the house that seems to lead us to sin. It is difficult to do, but tough love always is. Planning to get the book “Parenting Your Adult Children” as previewed on Relevant Radio this morning.

Does your husband think porn is OK? If so, you may have to start with him. A good source of understanding the power of porn is “The Drug of the New Millennium.”
It is difficult to help someone when they don’t want it. At this point, prayer is the best answer I can offer. Sorry.

 

[Kontrak]

Pray the rosary for him and your husband. Every day if you are not already. If he is unwilling or/and not strong enough you can only shield him so much, as you already mentioned.

 

[Barbkw]

EWTN and other Christian programs on television discuss how a man’s addiction to porn has ruined his sexual and intimate relationship with his wife.

Various articles are available by searching: marriages disintegrate pornography

P.S. Your husband should already realize that at 17, a young male needs no additional enticement toward sex. Particularly XXX pornography. What you’re son will learn on these sites will only add to the sins of concupiscence: the control of others to fulfill disordered personal desires.

And XXX porn will drive the disorder.

If your son insists on his own “personal space” and “personal property to watch porn” - tell him to move out and get a full time job - where he can pay for his own internet connection, insurance, car payment, rent, cell phone bill, etc.

 

[karow]

If it were your kid, and you had no back-up from your spouse, what would you do? This is one of the problems of being unequally yoked - I am fighting the world AND the world inside my own home. And my husband does not like it that I monitor this son, he thinks I am wrong for doing that, that our son has the “right to his privacy.” So you see what I am facing.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Dealing with teenager madness isn’t easy under ideal circumstances, but when you feel you’re going it alone… it’s horrible.

That said, I think you first need to sort out how many of your feelings about this whole issue are about your son viewing porn and how many are about your husband and his lack of support for you. This will help you keep perspective and will enable you articulate the right feelings to the right person. I don’t know if I’m explaining this clearly at all, but sometimes when I’m mad at my daughters and my husband at the same time about the same thing I become a gibbering vortex of of anger with the only results being that my blood pressure goes up, misplaced aggression and passive-aggression rear their ugly heads, and everybody ends up with hurt feelings. But the problem is still there, unaddressed and unsolved.

Second, just judging from your post, I think your husband is being disrespectful of you and your marriage by not doing his part in presenting a united parental front to your son. Even if the two of you aren’t arguing in front of your kid, he knows what your attitude about his porn behavior is, and he knows what his father’s attitude is. And - believe me - he’s using those differing opinions to his advantage. I don’t know exactly how he’s accomplishing this because I don’t know enough details, but I do understand the young adult mind enough to know he’s somehow playing the two of you off each other. Kids at this age, even the best-behaved kids, are Zen masters at this.

This is simply my opinion, but I think you need to bring this up with your husband in a therapeutic setting, somewhere where the situation won’t devolve into a shouting/pouting match, and somewhere where an impartial professional can weigh in and help the two of you sort through the whole, complex situation. I suspect, and I may be wrong, that what’s going on here between you and your husband goes a lot deeper than this thing with your son.

Third, and this will probably get me flamed, but I think you have to decide how far you willing to go to circumvent your son’s porn habits. If you throw his laptop and phone away; he’ll go out and replace them with his own money. If you change the router settings/passwords on your home network; he’ll install keystroke software to retrieve them. Or he’ll buy MyFii equipment and become his own wireless network that operates independently of your home networking system. If you threaten to kick him out over the porn once he’s 18, he’ll just head over to a friend’s house and look at the stuff there. The possibilities are crazy-makingly endless, and it will turn into battle for personal control and autonomy more than a porn issue.

Or, and this is simply an idea you’re free to ignore, you can rest easy in the knowledge that you raised a Catholic son with a solid formation in his faith, who not only knows that porn is morally wrong, but more importantly why it’s wrong. You know that he knows how to use a Confessional and has plenty of opportunities to do so. You’ve calmly explained to him that when he views porn in your house you feel disrespected. He’ll argue that he doesn’t intend to be disrespectful, and you’ll counter that it doesn’t matter what his intentions are, it’s the consequences of his actions that are important here. He’s free to disagree with that, but it doesn’t change the truth of the situation. You’ve made sure he knows that when he views porn he’s essentially using emotionally damaged, substance abusing, sexually abused women for his own pleasures. And you know you’ve done your level best to teach him that porn will go a long way towards him forming unrealistic and artificial expectations of female bodies and of female sexuality, expectations that will harm his future relationships with women out here in the real, un-porn, un-fantasy world.

And after all that, you have to decide for yourself how far you’re willing to take it, keeping in mind what kind of relationship you want with your son both now and when he’s all grown in a few year’s time.

Good luck with all of this. I’ll say a prayer for your family.

 

[GraceDK]

I
Or, and this is simply an idea you’re free to ignore, you can rest easy in the knowledge that you raised a Catholic son with a solid formation in his faith, who not only knows that porn is morally wrong, but more importantly why it’s wrong. You know that he knows how to use a Confessional and has plenty of opportunities to do so. You’ve calmly explained to him that when he views porn in your house you feel disrespected. He’ll argue that he doesn’t intend to be disrespectful, and you’ll counter that it doesn’t matter what his intentions are, it’s the consequences of his actions that are important here. He’s free to disagree with that, but it doesn’t change the truth of the situation. You’ve made sure he knows that when he views porn he’s essentially using emotionally damaged, substance abusing, sexually abused women for his own pleasures. And you know you’ve done your level best to teach him that porn will go a long way towards him forming unrealistic and artificial expectations of female bodies and of female sexuality, expectations that will harm his future relationships with women out here in the real, un-porn, un-fantasy world.

And after all that, you have to decide for yourself how far you’re willing to take it, keeping in mind what kind of relationship you want with your son both now and when he’s all grown in a few year’s time.

Good luck with all of this. I’ll say a prayer for your family.

Very well put.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for the responses so far. I am still in a knot about the whole thing. I did not indicate to him this morning that I believed he has been attempting to download porn, because I wasn’t sure. All I knew is that he tried to get K9 to send him a new password, and my antennae went up. Then once I dropped him at school, I did check the computer and sure enough, he’d tried for at least 90 minutes to download all sorts of stuff (some of which he was successful in). I disabled one of the windows media files but didn’t have time to mess them all up. And he’s putting it on his phone anyway.

I will have to talk to my husband but I know what he will say, “It is his privacy that you are invading and that is normal for teenage boys.” So then I will look like the Bad Cop because Dad won’t discourage him. He must know this on some level although his dad has never actually expressed that in front of him, because he brought it up this morning, “I’m going to talk to Dad about this! He’ll be reasonable! He’ll understand!” etc. etc. I told him that it’s wrong to try and get between his father and me about this. But I’m sure he’ll do it anyway.

Yes, I can keep it out of our house, but it’s going to be with a lot more yelling and anger, because someone is going to have to clean out his phone again, and maybe remove the memory chip, and then tighten up the controls on the computer even more. I don’t want to be the internet police, you know? I understand that parents have to do certain things these days that were not necessary before the internet, but how can I fight the entire world? It’s really within his soul where the battle is being fought, and I’m afraid the Devil has already won.

Karow, I wish I had something to rest easy in. Because I felt so insecure, knowing that my husband didn’t truly believe in the Church (I thought it only went that far, but it turns out he doesn’t even believe in the Christian God), I felt insecure about being a Catholic, a TRULY Catholic family, so I fell short in a lot of areas. The boys have gone to confession a few times only. We have attended Sunday Mass together all along but as far as faith formation - they’ve gone to Catholic schools and that’s about it. I was afraid their father would just up and leave if I truly pushed for everything Catholic. That’s my sin and my failure. And this son has already lost his purity and not just to porn. After his ex-girlfriend broke up with him, he did seem to stop this habit for a while. But now he’s going after it again. He’s not going to church, he’s not going to confession, he’s got nothing to combat the Devil with.

I do a 12-step program (Al-Anon) and there are many aspects of the program that say things like “loving detachment,” “live and let live,” “let go and let god,” etc. But how do you do that when it’s someone whom you are responsible for, as in one of your children still under your roof? And if I can’t let go, how do I try to control this when he is determined (remember, at least 90 full minutes of attacking the computer) to keep doing it? When confronted, he gets angry and starts blaming everyone and everything else, instead of owning up. Yeah, he’s embarrassed, he should be! It’s disgusting. (p.s. obviously this means he is also masturbating to the videos, else why download them at all…)

This also does not help with his father’s and my sex life. Obviously if my husband believes this to be normal, harmless behavior then we are miles apart as far as what sexuality means.

This is a day when I believe this marriage is doomed. Please pray for me.

 

[whm]

I will have to talk to my husband but I know what he will say, “It is his privacy that you are invading and that is normal for teenage boys.” So then I will look like the Bad Cop because Dad won’t discourage him. He must know this on some level although his dad has never actually expressed that in front of him, because he brought it up this morning, “I’m going to talk to Dad about this! He’ll be reasonable! He’ll understand!” etc. etc. I told him that it’s wrong to try and get between his father and me about this. But I’m sure he’ll do it anyway.

A couple of points for your husband.

1. Your son knows that you don’t want that in the house and violated your wishes. He infected your machine with this stuff.
2. It is highly likely that your son is looking at illegal stuff. Being under 17, your husband is legally responsible for the stuff on your machines.
3. You can partially acknowledge his points, yes it is common and yes teenagers are sensitive to privacy issues. The privacy does not apply here though since he violated your rules on your computer on your internet connection etc. Perhaps the way your husband can help is by supporting you in a family meeting that does not point the finger at the 17 year old, but sets the ground rules no porn in this house, this will at least be helpful for any other kids in your family. You can also slip in some of the reasons why it is so bad at this time.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You can partially acknowledge his points, yes it is common and yes teenagers are sensitive to privacy issues. The privacy does not apply here though since he violated your rules on your computer on your internet connection etc. Perhaps the way your husband can help is by supporting you in a family meeting that does not point the finger at the 17 year old, but sets the ground rules no porn in this house, this will at least be helpful for any other kids in your family. You can also slip in some of the reasons why it is so bad at this time.

If your son insists on his own “personal space” and “personal property to watch porn” - tell him to move out and get a full time job - where he can pay for his own internet connection, insurance, car payment, rent, cell phone bill, etc.

Both of these points are spot on. He has forfeited his privacy rights by his behavior, and you should under no circumstances have to tolearte porn in your own home. Also, if your son has any desire of his own to stop his porn addiction, try to get him some help.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

A couple of points for your husband.

1. Your son knows that you don’t want that in the house and violated your wishes. He infected your machine with this stuff.
2. It is highly likely that your son is looking at illegal stuff. Being under 17, your husband is legally responsible for the stuff on your machines.
3. You can partially acknowledge his points, yes it is common and yes teenagers are sensitive to privacy issues. The privacy does not apply here though since he violated your rules on your computer on your internet connection etc. ** Perhaps the way your husband can help is by supporting you in a family meeting that does not point the finger at the 17 year old, but sets the ground rules no porn in this house,** this will at least be helpful for any other kids in your family. You can also slip in some of the reasons why it is so bad at this time.

What if my husband won’t do this? He never addressed sexuality with either son until it came out that the younger one was having sex with his girlfriend and then it was to say that if our son was going to do that he needed to use condoms in case he got her pregnant (worldly attitude). His approach is what he calls “practical,” don’t get her pregnant, don’t get a disease, don’t get killed (doing dangerous other stuff like sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night). The moral stuff, I’m on my own.

 

[EasterJoy]

Mothers have sometimes had standards more strict than fathers for a very long time. One spouse is generally more strict than the other in this matter or that. It doesn’t have to split up a marriage, and historically it generally hasn’t. Neither does rejecting porn belong only to the Catholic faith. It belongs to decent people all over the world. In this case, it only means that you have to get onto the ground that this is important to you, that this is a battle you have chosen to fight, because you find it a matter of whether you are going to be treated with dignity in your own house, and you expect your husband to back you up for that reason, if for none other.

You, like a school or business, have every right to ban all electronic devices from the premises not belonging to the establishment. Your son does not have a leg to stand on with the “I’ll buy my own” idea, then. He lives in your house without paying for room and board, so if he thinks he has a right to do whatever he pleases, he is mistaken. Living with one’s parents, one ought to have the expectation that one will be parented. Privacy? Become an adult, then we’ll talk about being treated like one. Lie to me, engage in addictive behavior, that’s off the table for a long time. I’m not the one who needs excuses here, son. You are. You dug the hole, you lie in it.

Your husband thinks porn is OK and normal…you might try letting him know that you find that attitude unacceptable and way out of bounds. Feminists do it every day, dear. You can tell the males of the house that even without the plain fact that it’s wrong from a Catholic perspective, it is considered disgusting and insulting to many if not most adult women to have porn viewed anywhere in their homes. This is not a personal choice that happens to offend a few people. Eating raw garlic is a personal choice that happens to offend a few people. Viewing porn is using women in an objectively demeaning way. It is an insult to you personally to have that stuff ogled at in your house. You can put your foot down onto purely secular ground, in other words, and make it stick. You do not deserve to be on the offensive. You deserve to be on the warpath. Hell hath no fury, guys. Get on the bandwagon, or the bandwagon is going to run you over.

You cannot guarantee yourself that you can keep the cockroaches out of the walls, no. Having said that, sticking to your guns on your utter rejection of porn plants the notion that decent people do not find pornography to be a harmless form of “entertainment”, any more than they find real-time prostitution a victimless crime. Even if you don’t “win”, you do real good by fighting the good fight. Accept that you have your part to do for God, but the ultimate win is in the hands of Grace. Turning back the clock isn’t one of them. Confess that and get on with today’s tasks: “Do not let you heart be troubled, but have faith in Me.”

*God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. *

 

[karow]

Thanks for the responses so far. I am still in a knot about the whole thing. I did not indicate to him this morning that I believed he has been attempting to download porn, because I wasn’t sure. All I knew is that he tried to get K9 to send him a new password, and my antennae went up. Then once I dropped him at school, I did check the computer and sure enough, he’d tried for at least 90 minutes to download all sorts of stuff (some of which he was successful in). I disabled one of the windows media files but didn’t have time to mess them all up. And he’s putting it on his phone anyway.

I will have to talk to my husband but I know what he will say, “It is his privacy that you are invading and that is normal for teenage boys.” So then I will look like the Bad Cop because Dad won’t discourage him. He must know this on some level although his dad has never actually expressed that in front of him, because he brought it up this morning, “I’m going to talk to Dad about this! He’ll be reasonable! He’ll understand!” etc. etc. I told him that it’s wrong to try and get between his father and me about this. But I’m sure he’ll do it anyway.

Yes, I can keep it out of our house, but it’s going to be with a lot more yelling and anger, because someone is going to have to clean out his phone again, and maybe remove the memory chip, and then tighten up the controls on the computer even more. I don’t want to be the internet police, you know? I understand that parents have to do certain things these days that were not necessary before the internet, but how can I fight the entire world? It’s really within his soul where the battle is being fought, and I’m afraid the Devil has already won.

Karow, I wish I had something to rest easy in. Because I felt so insecure, knowing that my husband didn’t truly believe in the Church (I thought it only went that far, but it turns out he doesn’t even believe in the Christian God), I felt insecure about being a Catholic, a TRULY Catholic family, so I fell short in a lot of areas. The boys have gone to confession a few times only. We have attended Sunday Mass together all along but as far as faith formation - they’ve gone to Catholic schools and that’s about it. I was afraid their father would just up and leave if I truly pushed for everything Catholic. That’s my sin and my failure. And this son has already lost his purity and not just to porn. After his ex-girlfriend broke up with him, he did seem to stop this habit for a while. But now he’s going after it again. He’s not going to church, he’s not going to confession, he’s got nothing to combat the Devil with.

I do a 12-step program (Al-Anon) and there are many aspects of the program that say things like “loving detachment,” “live and let live,” “let go and let god,” etc. But how do you do that when it’s someone whom you are responsible for, as in one of your children still under your roof? And if I can’t let go, how do I try to control this when he is determined (remember, at least 90 full minutes of attacking the computer) to keep doing it? When confronted, he gets angry and starts blaming everyone and everything else, instead of owning up. Yeah, he’s embarrassed, he should be! It’s disgusting. (p.s. obviously this means he is also masturbating to the videos, else why download them at all…)

This also does not help with his father’s and my sex life. Obviously if my husband believes this to be normal, harmless behavior then we are miles apart as far as what sexuality means.

This is a day when I believe this marriage is doomed. Please pray for me.

I will say a prayer for you, Again, I am so sorry you’re going through this.

I feel even stronger about this than when I wrote my previous post: you need to bring all of this out in a professional therapeutic setting. Here are just some of the maladaptive behaviors I see going on here:

1. Your child feels he can point-blank tell you that if you forbid something, he can just go to his father for back-up support and permission. ("…he brought it up this morning, “I’m going to talk to Dad about this! He’ll be reasonable! He’ll understand!”’)
2. A dynamic involving you, your husband, and your child is affecting your sex life. (“This also does not help with his father’s and my sex life. Obviously if my husband believes this to be normal, harmless behavior then we are miles apart as far as what sexuality means.”)
3. You feel you’re the lone warrior in fighting for your son’s virtue. ("…but how can I fight the entire world?")
4. You’re carrying a lot of guilt regarding how your son was raised vis-a-vis his faith. ("…I felt insecure about being a Catholic, a TRULY Catholic family, so I fell short in a lot of areas.")
5. You feel like if you push for what you truly believe is in your children’s best interests faith-wise, you husband would abandon the family. (“I was afraid their father would just up and leave if I truly pushed for everything Catholic.”)
6. You’re consciously thinking about your son’s masturbatory behaviors.("…obviously this means he is also masturbating…")

Please understand that I’m not trying to use your words against you. I’m trying to point out what I think are issues. I do mean this charitably.

Any one of these things would take a lot of gut-wrenching effort to work through with a professional. Taken all together, you and your husband have quite a lot to work through.

Honestly, I don’t think the real problem here is your son and his porn. I think it’s something a lot deeper involving family dynamics, views about parenting roles and responsibilities, and guilt. I could be wrong, but my gut tells me I’m not.

Again, I’ll say a prayer for you. I hope you’re able to come to some peace with this.

 

[newbetx]

Thanks for the responses so far. I am still in a knot about the whole thing. I did not indicate to him this morning that I believed he has been attempting to download porn, because I wasn’t sure. All I knew is that he tried to get K9 to send him a new password, and my antennae went up. Then once I dropped him at school, I did check the computer and sure enough, he’d tried for at least 90 minutes to download all sorts of stuff (some of which he was successful in). I disabled one of the windows media files but didn’t have time to mess them all up. And he’s putting it on his phone anyway.

I will have to talk to my husband but I know what he will say, “It is his privacy that you are invading and that is normal for teenage boys.” So then I will look like the Bad Cop because Dad won’t discourage him. He must know this on some level although his dad has never actually expressed that in front of him, because he brought it up this morning, “I’m going to talk to Dad about this! He’ll be reasonable! He’ll understand!” etc. etc. I told him that it’s wrong to try and get between his father and me about this. But I’m sure he’ll do it anyway.

Yes, I can keep it out of our house, but it’s going to be with a lot more yelling and anger, because someone is going to have to clean out his phone again, and maybe remove the memory chip, and then tighten up the controls on the computer even more. I don’t want to be the internet police, you know? I understand that parents have to do certain things these days that were not necessary before the internet, but how can I fight the entire world? It’s really within his soul where the battle is being fought, and I’m afraid the Devil has already won.

Karow, I wish I had something to rest easy in. Because I felt so insecure, knowing that my husband didn’t truly believe in the Church (I thought it only went that far, but it turns out he doesn’t even believe in the Christian God), I felt insecure about being a Catholic, a TRULY Catholic family, so I fell short in a lot of areas. The boys have gone to confession a few times only. We have attended Sunday Mass together all along but as far as faith formation - they’ve gone to Catholic schools and that’s about it. I was afraid their father would just up and leave if I truly pushed for everything Catholic. That’s my sin and my failure. And this son has already lost his purity and not just to porn. After his ex-girlfriend broke up with him, he did seem to stop this habit for a while. But now he’s going after it again. He’s not going to church, he’s not going to confession, he’s got nothing to combat the Devil with.

I do a 12-step program (Al-Anon) and there are many aspects of the program that say things like “loving detachment,” “live and let live,” “let go and let god,” etc. But how do you do that when it’s someone whom you are responsible for, as in one of your children still under your roof? And if I can’t let go, how do I try to control this when he is determined (remember, at least 90 full minutes of attacking the computer) to keep doing it? When confronted, he gets angry and starts blaming everyone and everything else, instead of owning up. Yeah, he’s embarrassed, he should be! It’s disgusting. (p.s. obviously this means he is also masturbating to the videos, else why download them at all…)

This also does not help with his father’s and my sex life. Obviously if my husband believes this to be normal, harmless behavior then we are miles apart as far as what sexuality means.

This is a day when I believe this marriage is doomed. Please pray for me.

It was quite a struggle at our house, too. You have to keep after it. It helped that it was his father that did the confronting. Having grown up with it, yes, it’s “normal”. But that does not make it healthy. There are other threads here with arguments for (and against) monitoring of minor’s activities. Suffice it to say, there is a law about what an 18 year old can watch because it’s known that addictions form when young and they are tougher to break.

1. Porn distorts the value of a woman.
2. Distorted values of women lead to poor relationships and poor choices about sex.
3. Poor choices about sex lead to disease, unwed motherhood and even death, these days.

It may take you 12 steps to get back, but only three to get where you don’t want to be. If that’s alright with your husband that your son take those steps, then yes he has a problem. However, he is not alone in this culture. We men have been pretty much brainwashed from our youth about the subject. One day, some of us wake up, and figure out how wrong our actions were and hope to help others understand. Others never seem to.

Rule should be: No porn allowed in the house. If you bring it in on your phone, the phone will be deleted (not the content). Let him borrow phones or get one with out capability to view it. Worth the money.

 

[brgregmack]

This sounds very much like an addiction and, as with almost all addictions, demonization. I know because I was in a similar place myself not too long ago. Place your son in the Immaculate Heart of Mary as my mother did for me.

As for the internet, I have an iBoss, which the wifi has to go through. It blocks everything, including sites that aren’t pornographic. It’s far better than any software or internet provider blocks hands down. I thank God for this tool, for it has greatly helped me to stay sober for the last 10 months.