17 year old son looking at porn

[TheRealJuliane]

This sounds very much like an addiction and, as with almost all addictions, demonization. I know because I was in a similar place myself not too long ago. Place your son in the Immaculate Heart of Mary as my mother did for me.

As for the internet, I have an iBoss, which the wifi has to go through. It blocks everything, including sites that aren’t pornographic. It’s far better than any software or internet provider blocks hands down. I thank God for this tool, for it has greatly helped me to stay sober for the last 10 months.

What kind of sites does not block that aren’t pornographic? Does it just block the internet? Because we can’t do that, my husband works from home some of the time. WOW I just looked at the cost for this!! Is it really $2500 +??? Not that this is not worth it but to go from free to that…

But I will stand against this in our home. I will do it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I will say a prayer for you, Again, I am so sorry you’re going through this.

I feel even stronger about this than when I wrote my previous post: you need to bring all of this out in a professional therapeutic setting. Here are just some of the maladaptive behaviors I see going on here:

1. Your child feels he can point-blank tell you that if you forbid something, he can just go to his father for back-up support and permission. ("…he brought it up this morning, “I’m going to talk to Dad about this! He’ll be reasonable! He’ll understand!”’)
2. A dynamic involving you, your husband, and your child is affecting your sex life. (“This also does not help with his father’s and my sex life. Obviously if my husband believes this to be normal, harmless behavior then we are miles apart as far as what sexuality means.”)
3. You feel you’re the lone warrior in fighting for your son’s virtue. ("…but how can I fight the entire world?")
4. You’re carrying a lot of guilt regarding how your son was raised vis-a-vis his faith. ("…I felt insecure about being a Catholic, a TRULY Catholic family, so I fell short in a lot of areas.")
5. You feel like if you push for what you truly believe is in your children’s best interests faith-wise, you husband would abandon the family. (“I was afraid their father would just up and leave if I truly pushed for everything Catholic.”)
6. You’re consciously thinking about your son’s masturbatory behaviors.("…obviously this means he is also masturbating…")

Please understand that I’m not trying to use your words against you. I’m trying to point out what I think are issues. I do mean this charitably.

Any one of these things would take a lot of gut-wrenching effort to work through with a professional. Taken all together, you and your husband have quite a lot to work through.

Honestly, I don’t think the real problem here is your son and his porn. I think it’s something a lot deeper involving family dynamics, views about parenting roles and responsibilities, and guilt. I could be wrong, but my gut tells me I’m not.

Again, I’ll say a prayer for you. I hope you’re able to come to some peace with this.

Well, thanks, but we just ended about 5 months of counseling and it didn’t help us. My husband will be out of the area for most of the summer so anything like marriage counseling isn’t going to be possible. And as far as it goes, we’ve been once before and that didn’t help much either. It’s a relief to him when we stop, although he thinks I am the one who needs fixing.

Yeah, it’s kinda tough not to be concerned about my son when he’s already lost his virginity. Should I be? I’d rather not be, but when he uses his brother’s ipod to download porn, then that son comes to me to figure out what to do, what do I do? I really don’t want to know about this stuff but who else is going to fight for my son’s purity? Is it even my job? That is why I started the thread. I feel confused about it.

Maybe I shouldn’t know about all this. Maybe I should just give up and stop monitoring him. I hadn’t checked Spector Pro for at least a month before today. I let him take the laptop up to his room b/c I want to trust him. But there we are - he can’t be trusted.

I’m really tired of the whole thing. All I ever wanted was a happy, God-centered family. I just want to run away from all of this.

 

[whm]

Juliane, do not dispair. Remember your sons and your husband are children of God, made in the image and likeness of God. Their behavior is indeed contrary to God. Your situation is not much different than St. Monica’s.

Also know that teenagers grow up, they remember their parents actions and what they taught them. Your son may or may not change his ways before he leaves the house. The fruit of your efforts might not be known for some time. The fact that you are trying to keep him from porn, whether successful or not has merit! Keep insisting on no porn in your house.

Prayers for you and your family.

 

[Paul1961]

"And my husband does not like it that I monitor this son, he thinks I am wrong for doing that, that our son has the “right to his privacy.”

I agree with your husband.

Many posters were also berating your husband for not supporting you. If he believes that what you are doing is wrong, he should not support you. He is not a rubber stamp for you to command.

Maybe you should be a “good Catholic” wife and obey the head of the household.

Your son knows how you feel about it. He is a moth to the flame. You should sympathize with him. Not make him feel like scum because he is unable to control these urges. I think that is why your husband wants you to back off. He can still remember the power of these urges.

This is driving a wedge between you and your husband and your son. You are doing this damage and it may do much more harm than the porn will ever do.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

"And my husband does not like it that I monitor this son, he thinks I am wrong for doing that, that our son has the “right to his privacy.”

I agree with your husband.

Many posters were also berating your husband for not supporting you. If he believes that what you are doing is wrong, he should not support you. He is not a rubber stamp for you to command.
**
Maybe you should be a “good Catholic” wife and obey the head of the household.**

Your son knows how you feel about it. He is a moth to the flame. You should sympathize with him. Not make him feel like scum because he is unable to control these urges. I think that is why your husband wants you to back off. He can still remember the power of these urges.

This is driving a wedge between you and your husband and your son. You are doing this damage and it may do much more harm than the porn will ever do.

Really. Am I to obey my husband if he were to go and purchase condoms for our son to use to have sex with his girlfriend? Am I to obey if that girlfriend had gotten pregnant and my husband took them to have an abortion?

I have not made my son feel like scum. I have told him that this is wrong and degrading to women, and that it will not help him in his relationships.

 

[Cristiano]

"And my husband does not like it that I monitor this son, he thinks I am wrong for doing that, that our son has the “right to his privacy.”

I agree with your husband.

Many posters were also berating your husband for not supporting you. If he believes that what you are doing is wrong, he should not support you. He is not a rubber stamp for you to command.

Maybe you should be a “good Catholic” wife and obey the head of the household.

Your son knows how you feel about it. He is a moth to the flame. You should sympathize with him. Not make him feel like scum because he is unable to control these urges. I think that is why your husband wants you to back off. He can still remember the power of these urges.

This is driving a wedge between you and your husband and your son. You are doing this damage and it may do much more harm than the porn will ever do.

Maybe you should study the teachings of the Church instead of telling a mother to be a good Catholic and obey her husband.

A father that allows and supports his child addiction to pornography relinquishes his authority to lead a family in terms of morality.

She is not doing any damage, on the contrary her husband with is lack of manhood and love toward the son allows him to get into self destructing behaviors.

The Church teaches that the parents must be the primary educators of their children and that includes first and foremost morality. Telling a Christian not to correct a person in error is telling the individual to go against Jesus’ teachings. You could argue on the how but not on the what and why.

Finally look at how many marriages and relationships have been destroyed because of addiction to pornography.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Maybe you should study the teachings of the Church instead of telling a mother to be a good Catholic and obey her husband.

A father that allows and supports his child addiction to pornography relinquishes his authority to lead a family in terms of morality.

She is not doing any damage, on the contrary her husband with is lack of manhood and love toward the son allows him to get into self destructing behaviors.

The Church teaches that the parents must be the primary educators of their children and that includes first and foremost morality. Telling a Christian not to correct a person in error is telling the individual to go against Jesus’ teachings. You could argue on the how but not on the what and why.

Finally look at how many marriages and relationships have been destroyed because of addiction to pornography.

Thank you. I thought I already said that my husband is a non-believing Catholic…he’s had all the sacraments but no longer believes. How can he teach our sons anything about being good Catholic men when he isn’t a believer?? He has some very good qualities but when it comes to the foundation, it’s not there.

 

[Cristiano]

Thank you. I thought I already said that my husband is a non-believing Catholic…he’s had all the sacraments but no longer believes. How can he teach our sons anything about being good Catholic men when he isn’t a believer?? He has some very good qualities but when it comes to the foundation, it’s not there.

Some things go beyond being a Catholic in good standing, they are impressed on us by natural law. There are a lot of non believers that understand the danger of pornography and fight it because it affects the good of society.

 

[GraceDK]

You, like a school or business, have every right to ban all electronic devices from the premises not belonging to the establishment. Your son does not have a leg to stand on with the “I’ll buy my own” idea, then. He lives in your house without paying for room and board, so if he thinks he has a right to do whatever he pleases, he is mistaken. Living with one’s parents, one ought to have the expectation that one will be parented. Privacy? Become an adult, then we’ll talk about being treated like one. Lie to me, engage in addictive behavior, that’s off the table for a long time. I’m not the one who needs excuses here, son. You are. You dug the hole, you lie in it.

Your husband thinks porn is OK and normal…you might try letting him know that you find that attitude unacceptable and way out of bounds. Feminists do it every day, dear. You can tell the males of the house that even without the plain fact that it’s wrong from a Catholic perspective, it is considered disgusting and insulting to many if not most adult women to have porn viewed anywhere in their homes. This is not a personal choice that happens to offend a few people. Eating raw garlic is a personal choice that happens to offend a few people. Viewing porn is using women in an objectively demeaning way. It is an insult to you personally to have that stuff ogled at in your house. You can put your foot down onto purely secular ground, in other words, and make it stick. You do not deserve to be on the offensive. You deserve to be on the warpath. Hell hath no fury, guys. Get on the bandwagon, or the bandwagon is going to run you over.

You cannot guarantee yourself that you can keep the cockroaches out of the walls, no. Having said that, sticking to your guns on your utter rejection of porn plants the notion that decent people do not find pornography to be a harmless form of “entertainment”, any more than they find real-time prostitution a victimless crime. Even if you don’t “win”, you do real good by fighting the good fight. Accept that you have your part to do for God, but the ultimate win is in the hands of Grace. Turning back the clock isn’t one of them. Confess that and get on with today’s tasks: “Do not let you heart be troubled, but have faith in Me.”

.

Thats so true.

Juliane, my heart goes out to you. You have a terrible cross to bear.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This example is why I seem like the skunk at the picnic when posters come to CAF and say, “Should I marry this atheist, who is really sweet?” or some such…

You can get along with someone great. You can even be compatible when the kids are small and unable to get themselves into this kind of trouble. But you’d better understand that when the rubber meets the road, you will turn to God and the Church, and he or she will turn to society or just the easiest solution. And you will be fighting not only society but your own spouse, for the souls and morals of your children. Some Protestants are very unconcerned about pre-marital sex, porn, etc. but usually they are better than a non-believer and at least will have a moral code that they can hold the children to.

I didn’t even intentionally marry a non-believer - we were lapsed Catholics before our first son was born. I had no intention of returning to the Church but it happened because of the grace of God that I saw in our baby’s creation. Our son’s birth brought me back home to the Church but did not gain the same response in my husband. So from there to here, it’s been a problem - sometimes more of a problem, sometimes less, but always there. The boys don’t know and my husband is afraid I will tell them…I guess he thinks I would use it against him somehow. How sad. I would never dream of involving them in his personal struggle. They see that he sometimes doesn’t go to Mass. And they must know that he never prays with them (except before meals) or asks them to read the Bible or anything related to Catholicism at all. But I would NEVER use his lack of belief against him. I want them to love their father because he is their role model for being men. I only wish he could have impressed some form of morals on this son, but he’s hands-off when it comes to the difficult question of sex.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This sounds very much like an addiction and, as with almost all addictions, demonization. I know because I was in a similar place myself not too long ago. Place your son in the Immaculate Heart of Mary as my mother did for me.

As for the internet, I have an iBoss, which the wifi has to go through. It blocks everything, including sites that aren’t pornographic. It’s far better than any software or internet provider blocks hands down. I thank God for this tool, for it has greatly helped me to stay sober for the last 10 months.

I just ordered this router. I looked it up and it will block porn from entering the house. It works for ALL wireless devices in our home. I wish I would have known about this earlier. So now he can order his laptop and he won’t be downloading the filth from here. He can take it somewhere else and download the stuff, however. I guess there is only so much I can do.

At least I won’t be a party to his nasty habit.

 

[GraceDK]

Jason Evert wrote a book about what makes porn so destructive. It might interest your son to read it…
Jason and Chrystalina Evert really get their chastity-points across by asking young people what they desire in life. Both girls and boys wanna have a loving and successful marriage some day …
But the hedonistic culture, especially through porn, sets the young people up for total failure when it comes to important relationships and a healthy sexual life later on.
I hope you can get that across to your sons… and when you speak to them, try to see if you can be CALM and firm.
Dont let your understandable frustration get the better of you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Jason Evert wrote a book about what makes porn so destructive. It might interest your son to read it…
Jason and Chrystalina Evert really get their chastity-points across by asking young people what they desire in life. Both girls and boys wanna have a loving and successful marriage some day …
But the hedonistic culture, especially through porn, sets the young people up for total failure when it comes to important relationships and a healthy sexual life later on.
I hope you can get that across to your sons… and when you speak to them, try to see if you can be CALM and firm.
Dont let your understandable frustration get the better of you.

What is the title of the book, Grace? And does he have DVDs? Maybe I can get older brother to sit with his younger brother…or is that too coercive??

 

[redroselover]

Realjuliane, try to stay in open, respectful communication with him so you have a chance to influence him. try to listen and let him talk so you can find out his thinking and then you will have a chance to counter that thinking. . given his age, and the freedom of cars, friends, , job, and that he will leave for college soon, there is no way you can control him or this. At best you can keep it out of your house. . Your best chance is to influence him and he is not going to listen if all you do is lecture and get angry. He will tune you out and say “You do not control me>:” In truth, you don’t. He has his own thoughts, feelings free will and he is in control of his choices, not you. Your anger and disgust is coming through in your posts. Be careful about that, , stay in control of your emotions, or you are may end up lecturing and fussing in strong anger at him. Then, he is going to tune you out. Try to get in open ,respectful communication so you have a chance to influence. That means you need to respect that he is his own person with his own ideas and thoughts and free will. Try to listen, you may have to bite your tongue through much as he explains his ideas as to why it is Ok to view it, , but listen so he hopefully will listen to you and your ideas. I think that is the best you can do given his age and the freedom that comes with that age. . If you and he cannot talk respectfully and listen to each other you are not going to get a shot at influencing him. .

 

[redroselover]

jason evert also has info at chastity.com

 

[karow]

Many posters were also berating your husband for not supporting you. If he believes that what you are doing is wrong, he should not support you. He is not a rubber stamp for you to command.

Maybe you should be a “good Catholic” wife and obey the head of the household.

The OP was asking for advice and support, not judgement. Charity and compassion are paramount in these threads, and this reply was neither.

It also helps if the views expressed are current with informed, 21st century thinking. Again, it missed the mark.

Looks like this post was 0 for 2. Better luck next time.

 

[redroselover]

realjuliane, I know it is hard that your husband is not on the same page as you about the porn, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have influence on your son, it just makes it a harder road, but not impossible. You do not have to give up just because you are not getting assistance from your husband. If your husband is not in close intimate relationship with your son, (which from previous posts on other threads I get the impression he is not) but you are in close respectful dialoque with your son, , then chances are you will have more influence than your husband or at least you have a good chance it seems to me.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Realjuliane, try to stay in open, respectful communication with him so you have a chance to influence him. try to listen and let him talk so you can find out his thinking and then you will have a chance to counter that thinking. . given his age, and the freedom of cars, friends, , job, and that he will leave for college soon, there is no way you can control him or this. At best you can keep it out of your house. . Your best chance is to influence him and he is not going to listen if all you do is lecture and get angry. He will tune you out and say “You do not control me>:” In truth, you don’t. He has his own thoughts, feelings free will and he is in control of his choices, not you. Your anger and disgust is coming through in your posts. Be careful about that, , stay in control of your emotions, or you are may end up lecturing and fussing in strong anger at him. Then, he is going to tune you out. Try to get in open ,respectful communication so you have a chance to influence. That means you need to respect that he is his own person with his own ideas and thoughts and free will. Try to listen, you may have to bite your tongue through much as he explains his ideas as to why it is Ok to view it, , but listen so he hopefully will listen to you and your ideas. I think that is the best you can do given his age and the freedom that comes with that age. . If you and he cannot talk respectfully and listen to each other you are not going to get a shot at influencing him. .

Thank you. You are right, I am angry and disgusted. I don’t know how not to be. I was angry that he did all this in the first place. I was sad because he got hurt so bad when his girlfriend broke up with him. And I HATE LYING! He lies so easily, and with such adamance. And then he wants me to trust him.

The first thing I have to do, though, even before talking to my son, is to talk to my husband. I have to find out exactly where he stands on all of this. Does he think it’s OK for our son to be looking at porn? It is illegal, after all. What does he want to do about it? I have to KNOW for sure instead of guessing. I know he’s very uncomfortable talking about it and always says his own mother never knew any of what he was doing at Jonathan’s age. And maybe I shouldn’t know all of this - but it was to try and protect and prevent the worst kind of disasters when our son was really lost to us. His behavior was such that I wasn’t sure if he was using drugs, or what.

Some days, I feel totally unqualified to even be a parent…It’s been impossibly difficult for the last 4 years.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

realjuliane, I know it is hard that your husband is not on the same page as you about the porn, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have influence on your son, it just makes it a harder road, but not impossible. You do not have to give up just because you are not getting assistance from your husband. If your husband is not in close intimate relationship with your son, (which from previous posts on other threads I get the impression he is not) but you are in close respectful dialoque with your son, ,** then chances are you will have more influence than your husband or at least you have a good chance it seems to me**.

But you see, I am always the Bad Cop and my husband gets to play the Good Cop, the rational one who understands (read: “lets me do what I want”). And it’s not that I want our sons to think their dad is bad or useless, but since my husband isn’t going to present the moral or religious side of things, I am left to do it and be the bad guy, because here I come with my rule book, the Bible, and my talk about Jesus, and what God expects from us, etc. etc. Which, when one is sinning, is NOT what one wants to hear.

The worldly person, like the divorced “Disney Dad,” gets to have the fun and not have to do the tough disciplinary stuff. Except, even the “fun stuff” has been difficult for my husband, he’s not really cut out to be a parent.

 

[Barbkw]

"And my husband does not like it that I monitor this son, he thinks I am wrong for doing that, that our son has the “right to his privacy.”

I agree with your husband.

Many posters were also berating your husband for not supporting you. If he believes that what you are doing is wrong, he should not support you. He is not a rubber stamp for you to command.

Maybe you should be a “good Catholic” wife and obey the head of the household.

Your son knows how you feel about it. He is a moth to the flame. You should sympathize with him. Not make him feel like scum because he is unable to control these urges. I think that is why your husband wants you to back off. He can still remember the power of these urges.

This is driving a wedge between you and your husband and your son. You are doing this damage and it may do much more harm than the porn will ever do.

Oh My Gaud.

Paul - this stretcher is for you.

:stretcher: