17 year old son looking at porn

[redroselover]

reraljuliane, your son is only 17, do not despair. He may not fully understand now what you are saying , but later he may remember or as negative consequences happen because of the porn he may remember. Think of it as planting mental seeds.
As to his lying about the porn, , just keep pointing out when you know he is not telling the truth or strongly suspect it and give your evidence so he does not get the idea he can easily fool others. Point out how it damages trust. and next time he tells you something you doubt and you question his word and he gets mad at that, well you can say… see how lying damages trust because now I no longer know what to believe. remember he is still very , very young and lying by teenagers is common enough, not that it is right or justified but very common. Keep calling him on it. . Try to think of the long road ahead.
If you do not know what your husband thinks then yes, you need to have a conversation with him first so you can see what kind of support if any you are going to get from him/. Everyone getting angry at her husband because he is not supporting her and telling her she has to get her husband to support her when he clearly is not going to fully do that , seems to me does not give realjuliane much to work with on this in terms of what to do. . You can go it alone if you have to . Remember you have truth on your side. and that is very powerful .

 

[Barbkw]

If I were forced to pay additional family money to keep my son off porn sites, there wouldn’t be a computer in the house that he could use and he wouldn’t be given a cellphone.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

jason evert also has info at chastity.com

This is a wonderful website. He has an upcoming calendar date here in Houston, I’m going to call tomorrow and find out how to attend. Very dynamic speaker.

 

[EasterJoy]

But you see, I am always the Bad Cop and my husband gets to play the Good Cop, the rational one who understands (read: “lets me do what I want”). And it’s not that I want our sons to think their dad is bad or useless, but since my husband isn’t going to present the moral or religious side of things, I am left to do it and be the bad guy, because here I come with my rule book, the Bible, and my talk about Jesus, and what God expects from us, etc. etc. Which, when one is sinning, is NOT what one wants to hear.

The worldly person, like the divorced “Disney Dad,” gets to have the fun and not have to do the tough disciplinary stuff. Except, even the “fun stuff” has been difficult for my husband, he’s not really cut out to be a parent.

Keep in mind that you are defending a good thing, a good thing that is recognized as good and decent by people both religious and non-religious. You are not the “Bad Cop.” The “bad cop” is the parent who achieves her ends by threats and intimidation, while the “good cop” uses positive enticements. In other words, keep in mind that you are not the “bad cop”, but rather the only law in Dodge City.

I’m married to a non-Catholic, and honestly when it comes to stuff like this, I think it is easier than being married to a Catholic who won’t teach the faith. At least the kids know that their dad is not educated in things religious…and their dad is sympathetic and supportive, as well.

There are a hundred reasons for a man to avoid getting sucked into porn. Use all of them, not just the ones that take a Catholic sensibility in order to penetrate the skull. Again, do your work with the realization that sometimes seeds sown now do not germinate until later. Where you can’t force the issue, admit that openly but press it, anyway. Let God have the rest.

If your husband won’t take issue when your son lies to anyone, but especially you, that’s an issue, period. If he’s looking for the path of least resistance, let it not be in that direction. This is one of those “we teach people how to treat us” things. You don’t have to be combative, but do stand up for yourself. If you’re not getting help from your husband, then find someone you can talk to in real life to get that support. You deserve it, you need it. There is a reason the Lord sent them out in twos.

 

[redroselover]

realjuliane google jason evert, , you will find for example many of his talks on you tube, if you can get your son to listen to his stuff it would be great, he has videos, talks that have been recorded, i would bribe your son if you have to to get him to listen, you watch too, it wil give you talking points aimed at teenagers. remember evert looked at a lot of porn in his youth so don;t you give up on your son.

 

[onmyknees]

Quote by karrow

You’ve calmly explained to him that when he views porn in your house you feel disrespected. He’ll argue that he doesn’t intend to be disrespectful, and you’ll counter that it doesn’t matter what his intentions are, it’s the consequences of his actions that are important here. He’s free to disagree with that, but it doesn’t change the truth of the situation. You’ve made sure he knows that when he views porn he’s essentially using emotionally damaged, substance abusing, sexually abused women for his own pleasures. And you know you’ve done your level best to teach him that porn will go a long way towards him forming unrealistic and artificial expectations of female bodies and of female sexuality, expectations that will harm his future relationships with women out here in the real, un-porn, un-fantasy world.

Julianne,

It is so hard to parent a rebellious teenager even when your spouse is helping you! I like the poster who suggested talking with a priest. Maybe he could talk with your son and your dh too. If not at least he can give you a man’s perspective. I agree with Karrow’s post above especially the part about telling your son that you feel disrespected when he views porn in your house. You might say this in a very loving, confident way and let him know that the morals that you hold are important to you.

My younger son was rebellious when he was in high school. He called my dh and I nazis. He was so disrespectful to us and anyone who had authority. My dh is a cop. He let his grades go and ran away with his best friend but the cops caught them on the bus.lol. They were 16 yr. old.
Anyways, my dh finally started to help me and told my son that if he wanted to drive a car than he had to get his grades up, get a job, and pay for his car insurance. My son said okay but I am going to be out of this house when I am 18. I think it really helped to have my dh be involved. He got a good job, payed his car insurance, got his grades up, graduated high school, and moved out with his friend at 18. He told us that he had to get his grades up because businesses run by nazis won’t let anyone get a job unless they graduate high school.

My dh had always told both our boys (from a early age) that once they moved out they were on their own. Both are independent with good jobs and my younger son owns half of a big house with his friend and has lived there for 5 years. They both come to our house for birthdays and just to visit now However my younger son is still into no authority figures. He is 23. He is still young.

I am praying for you,your son and your husband.

 

[newbetx]

"

Maybe you should be a “good Catholic” wife and obey the head of the household.

.

She’s obviously the main Catholic influence here, not him, which is his job. If he won’t do it, then she certainly is expected to.

Paul, IMO, she isn’t giving men a bad name, you are.

I’ve been where he is and he is wrong. Part of me waking up to my own problem with porn was the fact it got shoved onto my kid’s computer by the purveyors of porn. The guy could use to learn a few things about the faith. At least she’s attempting to obey God.

To the poster that said “this is the 21st century.” The idea of the “head of the wife” thing goes back to the beginning. It’s not changed. Being head of the wife does not mean she has to obey poor, decisions of the husband about raising children in the faith. Obiedience to God comes first.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Quote by karrow

You’ve calmly explained to him that when he views porn in your house you feel disrespected. He’ll argue that he doesn’t intend to be disrespectful, and you’ll counter that it doesn’t matter what his intentions are, it’s the consequences of his actions that are important here. He’s free to disagree with that, but it doesn’t change the truth of the situation. You’ve made sure he knows that when he views porn he’s essentially using emotionally damaged, substance abusing, sexually abused women for his own pleasures. And you know you’ve done your level best to teach him that porn will go a long way towards him forming unrealistic and artificial expectations of female bodies and of female sexuality, expectations that will harm his future relationships with women out here in the real, un-porn, un-fantasy world.

Julianne,

It is so hard to parent a rebellious teenager even when your spouse is helping you! I like the poster who suggested talking with a priest. Maybe he could talk with your son and your dh too. If not at least he can give you a man’s perspective. I agree with Karrow’s post above especially the part about telling your son that you feel disrespected when he views porn in your house. You might say this in a very loving, confident way and let him know that the morals that you hold are important to you.

My younger son was rebellious when he was in high school. He called my dh and I nazis. He was so disrespectful to us and anyone who had authority. My dh is a cop. He let his grades go and ran away with his best friend but the cops caught them on the bus.lol. They were 16 yr. old.
Anyways, my dh finally started to help me and told my son that if he wanted to drive a car than he had to get his grades up, get a job, and pay for his car insurance. My son said okay but I am going to be out of this house when I am 18. I think it really helped to have my dh be involved. He got a good job, payed his car insurance, got his grades up, graduated high school, and moved out with his friend at 18. He told us that he had to get his grades up because businesses run by nazis won’t let anyone get a job unless they graduate high school.

My dh had always told both our boys (from a early age) that once they moved out they were on their own. Both are independent with good jobs and my younger son owns half of a big house with his friend and has lived there for 5 years. They both come to our house for birthdays and just to visit now However my younger son is still into no authority figures. He is 23. He is still young.

I am praying for you,your son and your husband.

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s very hard, isn’t it? No matter what…I’m glad to hear your son is independent, even if he still thinks the world is full of “nazis.” Give him a few more years of working in the world and he may not think that any more…It takes so long to grow an adult, doesn’t it?? Heck, puppies are more mature at 8 weeks than a baby man at 18, 19, 20, etc.!!!

We were at the end of our wits with this boy…before we sent him to an intervention camp in the Ozarks last summer. It was that before an out of home placement that would have meant at least 5 months for him in another state. It had gotten to the point where he flat-out told us that he was going to keep seeing his girlfriend (having sex) and there was nothing we could do about it. He was miserable to be around, would do nothing with the family, just horrible. Things that would curl your hair, screaming at us, cursing at us, not coming down for supper, etc. He should have been driving by that time, but no way was I going to give him driving lessons when he was in total rebellion. Oh, and he stopped coming to church completely. Hasn’t ever started back again, and I don’t have hope that he will, but I pray anyway.

This year, after they broke up in October, his grades have been mostly up, and he’s had a job since the first of the year. He has matured a lot. I have to give him credit for that. I am going to talk to him alone after I talk to my husband about it. I am going to really be honest with him and talk to him on an adult level. Once when he had stolen a necklace and given it to his previous GF, I told him that I needed him to just be honest and that there wouldn’t be any punishment. He did own up to the theft then, once he knew he wasn’t going to be punished. I will have to let him know that I am not trying to punish him, but to help him keep his life from going down the tubes. But first, have to talk to hubby and see where he stands on this whole thing. We usually go out to dinner on Friday nights, so tomorrow might be the time.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

We’ve been through a lot of what you’re going through with our son. One thing to keep in mind is that it’s your house, your rules. If he’s not willing to follow the rules, shut off the internet. Period. After one too many second chances, we recently cut off our son’s internet for good. If he needs to get on it, he can go to school. He doesn’t like that, but eventually he might “get it.”

If he uses his phone or something else to download the porn, get rid of it. There are phones that aren’t internet-capable, and ways to block all data from a phone. Our son’s a bit older than yours and some family members think it’s awful that we don’t give an “adult” free reign, but as long as he’s living under our roof, he needs to follow our rules. If he shows you over and over that he can’t handle the responsibility that goes along with being granted certain privileges, then he shouldn’t be granted those privileges. Something else to keep in mind is that you’re not just looking out for his well-being, but the well-being of the rest of the family as well. If someone else in the house doesn’t want to be exposed to pornography, they shouldn’t have to be. And as you & others have stated, you certainly don’t want to have to deal with the consequences of him downloading anything illegal.

As far as the situation between you and your husband, I feel terrible about that. My wife doesn’t take a real active hand when dealing with our son, but she at least supports me in what I do. We did have some struggles like yours in the past, but we’re mostly through with them. I wish I had some advice that I thought would help, but all I can really think to do is say a prayer that something will happen to change his point of view.

 

[needsomehelp]

OK, we’ve had this problem before. I have put blocking software as well as monitoring software on the laptop he’s using, so I know what he’s been doing. He said that after he went to camp last summer, he had stopped looking at porn.

I think for a while, he did fight it, but last week, my older son left his ipod laying around unlocked and found porn on it. So the 17 year old has been using others’ stuff to grab porn, probably upload it onto his own phone. I have not had possession of his phone since he was at camp last year, when we wiped the memory chip out.

He tried for about 2 hours yesterday to crack K9 but never achieved his goal…that’s a great program. Also I’ve had SpectorPro on that laptop so I can see everything he does. Yes, it’s kind of creepy to have to do that, but up until after camp last summer, he was really being rebellious, running away, stealing stuff, telling his then-girlfriend that we were abusing him so she called CPS on us, I felt I had good reason for monitoring him, in case there were drugs or other things going on.

However, he has found whatever holes there are in K9 - you can still grab certain YouTube videos and still shots, and I think he found a way to download videos without viewing them, so he put them on his phone. I thought the software would stop him from doing that, but where there is a will, there will always be a way…I’ve been allowing him to have the laptop up in his room, trying to give him more latitude…well, that’s not working out very well.

He’s been saving the money he’s earning from his part-time job in order to buy his own laptop to use for his music. He says NO ONE is touching it and he’s password-protecting it so NO ONE can use it (read: so Mom can’t put blocking software on it).

It would be less of a problem if my husband would back me up on this, but I am pretty sure I am alone in wanting my son not to look at this filth. Hubby does not to my knowledge look at porn but he is not against it either, if you KWIM.

I am torn. On one hand I want to take his phone and throw it into the pool. As well as the laptop. On the other hand, he’s going to be out of my control when/if he goes to college anyway…I think he’s determined to do just exactly what he wants to do no matter what. He was so lying today, all the way to school, swearing up and down that he wasn’t doing anything like that any more, and I knew he was lying even before I checked the computer, because of his brother’s ipod.

If it were your kid, and you had no back-up from your spouse, what would you do? This is one of the problems of being unequally yoked - I am fighting the world AND the world inside my own home. And my husband does not like it that I monitor this son, he thinks I am wrong for doing that, that our son has the “right to his privacy.” So you see what I am facing.

K9 is a good program. Anytime a site or image comes through, I add the URLs and words used for the search into the blocking traits.

You say he is 17 yes? This means you still have full legal rights until he is 18. This is what happens.

*No “own” computer until 18.
*Phone goes into trash.
*At 18 he gets the boot from the house.

My mother had to kick my sister out of the house back when she was young and on drugs. It straightened her out. This is what is called “tough love”. Also, your husband is wrong. You can do whatever you want on your kids computer.

Again, if he buys a computer on his own - it goes back to the store or into the trash, until he is 18. If he is 18 and looking at porn in the home - time to live life by himself and see just how hard it is.

You could also password protect the internet in order to get ON the net, through a router etc… but this depends on your tech level of knowledge.

Bottom line = Under 18? House Rules

Over 18 & Don’t Follow Rules? = Goodbye

 

[TheRealJuliane]

K9 is a good program. Anytime a site or image comes through, I add the URLs and words used for the search into the blocking traits.

You say he is 17 yes? This means you still have full legal rights until he is 18. This is what happens.

*No “own” computer until 18.
*Phone goes into trash.
*At 18 he gets the boot from the house.

My mother had to kick my sister out of the house back when she was young and on drugs. It straightened her out. This is what is called “tough love”. Also, your husband is wrong. You can do whatever you want on your kids computer.

Again, if he buys a computer on his own - it goes back to the store or into the trash, until he is 18. If he is 18 and looking at porn in the home - time to live life by himself and see just how hard it is.

You could also password protect the internet in order to get ON the net, through a router etc… but this depends on your tech level of knowledge.

Bottom line = Under 18? House Rules

Over 18 & Don’t Follow Rules? = Goodbye

Great post! I have to make sure that I am absolutely FIRM on these things. Here are the things I am going to do:

Tell him that porn is illegal, period.
It is addictive
It’s harmful to women and men
Disrespectful toward me
He lies about it

The phone has to be checked and cleaned every week, or it’s gone. If he can’t agree to that then he will surrender the phone and/or the memory chip.
The computer will be checked every week, and if I find porn on it, it’s gone too.
Since I have already purchased iBoss and it’s on its way, if the porn is on the computer or phone it means that he has deliberately done that away from our home, which means he is thinking far enough ahead and planning to do things that he already knows are 1) illegal 2) immoral and 3) offensive to me and that will harm him and others.

I have a geek in my home who is his older brother, so the tech knowledge isn’t a problem, but I like the idea of hardware that isn’t crackable, and is universal to any wireless device used in the home.

Going to talk to my husband tonight and lay this all out. I’m sure he won’t like the idea of the restrictions but he won’t support the illegal aspects of it. He will say that eventually Jonathan will be out on his own, which is true, but even if he’s in college, we are still paying the tab for him and we have the right to inspect his computer if we wish to. We are still responsible for him, he’s not an adult and he will still be living here.

We were almost at the point of having him removed from the home when he was telling us to our faces that our rules meant nothing to him. That is probably the lowest I’ve ever been as a parent. There’s not much left to be done when your kid tells you that - if he is not going to give you the respect of even bothering to follow basic family rules, he’s saying being in the family means nothing to him. My distress was unbelievable. Thus, the camp. There aren’t even many of those around these days, because all the “boot camp” places shut down b/c of lawsuits. Unless you literally hand your kid over to Social Services, which means they are surrendered to the government system, you’re kind of out of luck.

Anyway, time for me to stand up to him once again. Only this time, it has to be 100% firm and no negotiations.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We’ve been through a lot of what you’re going through with our son. One thing to keep in mind is that it’s your house, your rules. If he’s not willing to follow the rules, shut off the internet. Period. After one too many second chances, we recently cut off our son’s internet for good. If he needs to get on it, he can go to school. He doesn’t like that, but eventually he might “get it.”

If he uses his phone or something else to download the porn, get rid of it. There are phones that aren’t internet-capable, and ways to block all data from a phone. Our son’s a bit older than yours and some family members think it’s awful that we don’t give an “adult” free reign, but as long as he’s living under our roof, he needs to follow our rules. If he shows you over and over that he can’t handle the responsibility that goes along with being granted certain privileges, then he shouldn’t be granted those privileges. Something else to keep in mind is that you’re not just looking out for his well-being, but the well-being of the rest of the family as well. If someone else in the house doesn’t want to be exposed to pornography, they shouldn’t have to be. And as you & others have stated, you certainly don’t want to have to deal with the consequences of him downloading anything illegal.

As far as the situation between you and your husband, I feel terrible about that. My wife doesn’t take a real active hand when dealing with our son, but she at least supports me in what I do. We did have some struggles like yours in the past, but we’re mostly through with them. I wish I had some advice that I thought would help, but all I can really think to do is say a prayer that something will happen to change his point of view.

Thanks for your support and your prayers, Gordon Sims. Hearing from people who are going through this helps me recognize that regardless of what the world says and even what my husband says, I have to put on the full armor and do what is right in God’s eyes. If I break down out of fear, then my son sees that God is not in charge of my life, and he will respect me less. I don’t care if he hates me, I’d rather he know that Mom is not going to give in on God’s rules. And it sickens me that he is even doing this, but he’s a man and God created men to admire women with their eyes. Porn is the Devil’s bastardization of God’s creation and blessing. I don’t need to be angry at my son, I am angry at Satan.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well, darn it.

I got into a discussion with my son on the way to school (his last day of finals). He apologized for his attack yesterday when he was stating that we were not touching his new computer, no way, no how, it was his, etc. etc. And then I made the mistake of saying that we need to have a discussion about that. He jumped on that like a fish jumps on bait. I shouldn’t have referred to it before I was ready to talk. He won’t let go when he gets something in his mind. I always need back-up and I forgot to pray first too.

I did some things well. I told him that porn is illegal. He responded that he has stopped and has cleaned off his computer - that he did it last night. He was very quick with that answer. And then he repeated that he is not going to accept any kind of blocking software on “his” computer, etc. etc.

The discussion was mostly rational - but he attacked me on different points throughout the entire drive to school. He is actually quite an accomplished bully - he shifts the subject around to what he wants to get done, and always attacks the messenger. He cursed a few times. I told him to stop it. That he needs to think about how he is talking to his mother. And then I got emotional. Unfortunately, that can be a weakness of moms. It’s hard for me to separate out my feelings of love and fear for this son.

So then I cried a bit. That never works. I wish I could stop doing that, but when I get frustrated that I am not getting my point across, I cry. How utterly feminine of me! And when you are dealing with a bully, crying tells them that they are winning. I did manage to stop and collect myself and tell my son that the discussion was over for now, but that we would still talk later.

I meant to have the discussion with my husband first. My mouth gets away with me - it is a big character defect and one that gets me into quicksand with this son. If I don’t have all my arguments lined up and ready and stay 100% focused, he will take advantage of that. In my head, I know that but I still blow it on a regular basis.

Now when I discuss this with his father, my husband is going to say that I shouldn’t ever talk to our son when I am emotional. He’s usually critical of how I handle our son, what I am trying to achieve, he is not my ally most of the time but another adversary. I wanted strongly to leave today, to just leave and go somewhere to be alone. Let their dad raise them the rest of the way and see how they turn out. I’m tired of fighting the whole thing. Very tired. And yet, I know that if I were to leave, I would get the blame anyway, and rightly so, for giving up on them. And Satan would have won his battle to destroy our family.

I realized through this morning’s failure that our son cannot hold a rational discussion without attacking me, my values, the Church, God, etc. He can’t listen without trying to butt in and tear down what I am saying. Why should I throw my pearls before swine?

A 12 step “Don’t” is “Don’t make threats you don’t intend to carry out.” I will kick him out the door when he’s 18 if he keeps insisting that we have no control over him. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done but I will do it.

Please keep praying for me, and for my husband and son. Pray for fortitude for me. I’m just tired. I need Aaron to hold my arms aloft!

 

[redroselover]

well realjuliane, if your son starts cursing you, disengage, walk away, tell him you will talk when he can be civil,… if you are in the car with him. say OK, this conversation is now over till you can talk with respect, then make the conversation go dead. He after all is trying to get a concession from you , right? So he can’t get the concession without engaging in a conversation, right? /
You are right , the crying is very motherly because of your fear for him. it does look weak, however, and gives the impression you are vulnerable to giving in, and he is probably thinking it is time to work on getting the concession from dad. I suspect that is what he is thinking. But you are only human and a mother in fear. so i think we all get the crying and empathize. . Why not share your fears with your son when you do loose it and cry? " I am crying because I love you and am afraid for you and want the best for you. , but my crying does not mean I am going to give in on the issue of whether porn is in the house" .
If he said he cleaned out the computer ask him for proof, ask him to show you. It is sort of Like marital infidelity, ISN’T IT? . If he has cleaned it and wants to keep the computer, he can show you, cant he? Ask to see it.
.
Lot of people are suggesting you kick him out. Personally , I think this is going way,way , way too far for this infraction , and is to be honest to me is a very unloving response . . I know I am going to get punched back on this one. Sounds to me like more wanting to no longer have to deal with it because of fatigue, than asking what will reach him. . I mean is he showing the porn to siblings? Is he doing it in front of everybody? Is he passing it on to siblings and trying to influence them to join him? Does he have it up on the TV screne so all of you are exposed/ ? He is hiding it on his computer and phone. You say he has come very far in changes. He is negotiating for concessions. That right there tells me he KNOWS in his heart and head you have authority, and is not in total rebellion or he wouldn’t be trying to negotiate. . . He is only 17 for heaven sake, porn is very , very available and common at that age. So is drinking which also is illegal and dangerous. and potentially addictive. . Would you kick him out of the house because at 17 he went to a party and had a drink or even got drunk but in general is not drinking all the time and disrupting the whole houseehold or would you try to talk to him about the consequences of drinking? . I am not suggesting you are wrong on the merits of this. but, GO READ JASON EVERT AND LISTEN TO HIS TALKS AGAIN AS HE SAYS HOW MUCH PORN HE WAS LOOKING at it in high school. .I am not saying you are not right on the merits of this, but to kick him out now sends a message that you have given up on him, don’t care about his feelings, wont respect and listen to him as his own person, but just care only about being right. He is 17, you need to give him some room to grow and learn and make mistakes and change and save face too. I am not saying you shouldn’t say no porn in the house,and explain your reasons, and do what you need to do to enforce that, and do it firmly, but at 17 he is going to view it if he wants to, you can’t monitor his every move outside the house, he is heading to college, .your best shot in my view is to stay in open conversation and to do that you need to respectfully listen as well so you can influence him. How about starting by letting HIM TALK FIRST and YOU LISTEN? You might actually learn info about what is going on in his head like whether he thinks it is wrong or not, why he thinks that way or how hard it is to not give into temptation . Then you can address those issues in conversation. But again he must talk to you with respect. Because you listen does not mean you agree , can’t give your view, or that you cannot set limits and give consequences.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

As always, I get a lot out of your responses, redroselover!

I didn’t mean that I am going to kick him out today or at all, that is my “nuclear option” if he refuses to follow the house rules. If he goes back into, “Tough bananas Mom, it’s my life” mode as he did when he and his GF were sneaking around (with a family member’s assistance ), there is a time when a line in the sand must be drawn. I am just reminding myself that I have options other than being bullied.

I will listen to him. I made the mistake that I have made before, which is referring to a conversation that will happen in the future. He is not the type of person to ever let that go, he will push and push and push. And I know that about him and I still fall into that hole!

I will tell him today that even if I cry, it does not mean that he can get his way, or that I am going to compromise on God’s standards for our family. If I’ve done anything well, I have at least been consistent with the Lord’s help, in holding to God’s standards and not the world’s. Son can mock me for that but I don’t care. I have to be accountable to God for what I do here on this earth, not him, and not my husband, but God. I don’t always achieve God’s best but I will never back down on my principles, which come from God.

 

[Always_For_Him]

My heart goes out to you TRJ!! I am not in the position to give any better advice than what has been given to you. I urge you to stay the course. Hold on to what you know is right. You are in a tough position. I am sorry that your husband is not supporting you. It is crucial that you continue to try to guide your son the way that you believe God expects you too. You know that you aren’t going to be make your son change anything he doesn’t want to change. People don’t change unless they want to. You can continue to try to appeal to the reasons it is damaging, how it will shape his inability to have deep connecting relationships, etc. But, do this carefully. I will be interested to hear how the iBoss works. I will pray for you and your family. I am so sorry that you are suffering so, and that your son is going down this road. Keep praying too. Don’t give up. Just realize what you can change, what you can’t and do what you can. Try to not let this take you over. There is only so much you can do. Be smart, take care of yourself and don’t spin your wheels trying to change things that you have no control over. This will help YOU take care of yourself a little better. Am I making any sense. I feel for you girly. Thank you for your help and prayers in my matter, and I will continue to pray for you and keep up with this thread. May God bless you and your family at this time with his healing grace.

 

[redroselover]

It is my understanding that your son is not in relationship with God right now so talking to him on the porn issue from the standpoint of the Church’s teaching and rules, may not work very well in terms of influencing him. Try to go at it from the standpoint of how it will damage him in terms of his future relationships and his character… Jason Evert has much to say on that.It will give you talking points.
17 is a very hard age to deal with, sort of an adult, thinks he is an adult, wants the prive ledges of adult, wants the handouts, still impulsive, not really an adult because he is still dependent, that makes them feel childish, mom sees the immaturity but he has lots of freedom because of the age so mom gets terrified. Hang in there Realjuliane, have any of your kids gotten past say 21 or so? it will get so much better then if you can stay in relationship .
Were we such angels at 17? I mean I know there are some out there who were , but I remember giving my parents lots to worry about at that age. ( My apologies go out now to my poor mother. ) .
Look, the statement to you, that “mom, you can’t tell me what to do” that he said to you, that whole attitude of I;ll do what I want, , is so incredibly common at that age. Don’t take it too much to heart. I have heard it too from my kids. . I see it as a test, a bluff, to try to get you to give in on the consequences. He knows you still have control over some things because he is financially dependent. That is why he is negotiating in effect, and thinking of going to his dad to get a different response. But , . He also knows you are afraid HE, your son, WILL withdraw love from you. . You are very vulnerable on this right now because you are feeling unloved by your spouse. It puts you in the position of feeling like you are loosing the love of all your family members. So if it begins to feel like you may loose your son, then you give in to his demands to try to stay in relationship. Does this maybe sound like what it feels like inside you? Does he maybe sense this vulnerability and is trying to use it to his advantage? So, just say back, the consequences, limits stand… Your son already knows you have the car keys, purse strings and can use them. Like I said he is negotiating because he knows you still have some control over the things he needs, like college tuition as one really big example. You have said he has gone to work, his grades have come up. He is making progress. . If he threatens to run away or such, then say back, the rules stand. He is not so stupid to leave and try to support himself I am willing to bet. Stand your ground but do it without yelling, temper tantruming yourself. Firmly, calmly set your limit, explain it once, answer his questions. If he gets disrespectful walk away.
But try to stay in relationship, respectful conversation. How would you want to be talked to if it was your husband was addressing you? Show your son you can empathize , understand his struggles, respect that he has his own views(you can disagree but do it with respect) Again, your husband does not seem to have that type of close intimate relationship with him. If you can develop it, you will have a shot at having the influence , not your husband as much . I know it is very hard when your husband is not on the same page, but it can be done. Hopefully you can develop a close enough relationship that your son will come to you for advice with his struggles, but he is not going to do that if he feels he will get nothing but condemnation, lectures, no empathy, no understanding. And just because he does not acknowledge you are right does not automatically mean he is not taking in what you say and internalizing it, maybe for future use if not now. . It just means he is a 17 year old trying to look like an adult, his own person, and has too much pride to SAY , yes, mom , you are right.

 

[redroselover]

ok, you are going to tell him your crying does not mean he is going to get his way, but also share your feelings , right? It is because I LOVE YOU and am afraid for you and want the best for you because I LOVE YOU.

 

[Monica4316]

if your son doesnt’ want to stop looking at porn, - maybe show him something like this…
youtube.com/watch?v=2hpb7zLVL3s

and pray for him

I know there’s an ex-porn producer that travels around and gives talks on the danger of porn, and what it does to women, etc, - maybe your son could benefit from going to something like this?

God bless

 

[newbetx]

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s very hard, isn’t it? No matter what…I’m glad to hear your son is independent, even if he still thinks the world is full of “nazis.” Give him a few more years of working in the world and he may not think that any more…It takes so long to grow an adult, doesn’t it?? Heck, puppies are more mature at 8 weeks than a baby man at 18, 19, 20, etc.!!!

We were at the end of our wits with this boy…before we sent him to an intervention camp in the Ozarks last summer. It was that before an out of home placement that would have meant at least 5 months for him in another state. It had gotten to the point where he flat-out told us that he was going to keep seeing his girlfriend (having sex) and there was nothing we could do about it. He was miserable to be around, would do nothing with the family, just horrible. Things that would curl your hair, screaming at us, cursing at us, not coming down for supper, etc. He should have been driving by that time, but no way was I going to give him driving lessons when he was in total rebellion. Oh, and he stopped coming to church completely. Hasn’t ever started back again, and I don’t have hope that he will, but I pray anyway.

This year, after they broke up in October, his grades have been mostly up, and he’s had a job since the first of the year. He has matured a lot. I have to give him credit for that. I am going to talk to him alone after I talk to my husband about it. I am going to really be honest with him and talk to him on an adult level. Once when he had stolen a necklace and given it to his previous GF, I told him that I needed him to just be honest and that there wouldn’t be any punishment. He did own up to the theft then, once he knew he wasn’t going to be punished. I will have to let him know that I am not trying to punish him, but to help him keep his life from going down the tubes. But first, have to talk to hubby and see where he stands on this whole thing. We usually go out to dinner on Friday nights, so tomorrow might be the time.

I have a few close relatives that have similar stories… They all eventually turned out just fine. I think the “prodigal son parable” is there just for those parents that don’t end up with “perfect” kids like we were… (cough). One didn’t get his act together until 40. One became OK after her kids grew up, and yet another is still “out there.” We all mature at different rates. Some just refuse to learn from other’s mistakes or lectures. These are definitely “Let go and let God” types as much as it hurts that we have them. Does not mean, of course we can give up… just maybe change our approach.

I just know from my own family, if the kids can push a wedge between the parents, well, it seems to be a goal. It would seem that they feel in control if they can cause friction.