17 year old unmarried daughter on the pill

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fille_francais

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My husband and I are dismayed. My 17 year old daughter confessed to us today that she and her boyfriend are having sex. She went to the local family planning office to put herself on the pill.

I am wondering where I went wrong in raising her. She is the oldest of 8 children and my husband and I have always used NFP and saved ourselves for eachother for our wedding night. We raised her strong in the faith. She has been involved in youth ministry and enjoys going to mass. She is making the decision to stay away from the Eucharist because she knows she can’t receive.

We have told her that she needs to stop having sex with her bf. She insists that she loves him and that she wants to be intimate with him and is not ready for a child. I can’t understand where she is coming from. She wasn’t raised this way!!! :mad:

At this point I don’t know how to feel. I really would have wanted her to do things right. I know with prayer she can turn things around to make the right choices. I have to admit that perhaps a little part of me is happy she is protecting herself from pregnancy. I know that is not a good feeling and will go to confession to speak with my priest about that feeling. Should I urge her to use NFP if her choice is to continue having sex? Please help!!!
 
fille_francais said:
Should I urge her to use NFP if her choice is to continue having sex? Please help!!!
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The one and only thing you need to keep repeating to her is regarding sexual intimacy’s proper place within marriage and the sinfulness of all her actions.

No you should not send any sort of “if you are going to have sex, do this…” message to your daughter.

The proper place for sexual relations and natural family planning are within marriage and nowhere else.
 
1ke said:
The one and only thing you need to keep repeating to her is regarding sexual intimacy’s proper place within marriage and the sinfulness of all her actions.

No you should not send any sort of “if you are going to have sex, do this…” message to your daughter.

The proper place for sexual relations and natural family planning are within marriage and nowhere else.
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If I send her messages about what to do to avoid pregnancy, then it also becomes my sin doesn’t it?

This is so hard!! I know babies are a gift from God, but I don’t want her “ruining” her life.
 
I know part of how I’d feel. I’d be glad I had enough relationship with my daughter that she would tell me about it instead of saying nothing. She made a choice to tell you. Do you know why she did? What was she seeking from you? Did she say anything to give a hint, like that she feels confused or, that she feels you failed her things, or, well, I don’t know. What did she say to you when she told you? You don’t have to answer if that is too much to share! 🙂 I’m not trying to be pushy. I just would think about things like that if I were you. I’d go over exactly what she said in my mind to puzzle out if there was an “in” in what she said, cluing me into how to approach and help her. Sometimes there are these little trails of crumbs in what people to say, that they really want us to follow up on.
 
I am sorry you are going through this. This must be very painful and disappointing for you.

I have a little advice, I was a youth minister for awhile and spoke with parents on this very issue.

First of all, pray.

Secondly, tell her how disappointed you are and worried for her soul. Do not get mad, it will drive her towards him. Do not advise her to stop birth control and do not teach her NFP, she is not responsible enough for it.

Thirdly, recognize that your children will sin- they are not perfect. God can turn this into something very good for her future. It might take some time though.

Finally, spell out rules for her. She may not bring him into your home for relations and she may not spend the night at his while she is a youth. You can take away privileges, like driving privileges, and cell phone, etc.

The most important thing is to not get overly upset no matter how emotionally horrible this is for you. Our Heavenly Mother still loves her, and cries for her, and holds the door open for her when she is ready to come back to the faith. You should do the same.
 
Please do not blame yourself for this. Mothers put themselves through torment thinking these things. If you say it too often to her that you did something wrong, she may one day think about her life and blame you for the things that went wrong.

You are a strong mother, and you will be strong through this, you have no choice.
 
I am sorry for your heartache.

Have you discussed with her that the pill is an abortificient? Does she understand that having sex with her boyfriend and being on the pill that she runs the risk of aborting her babies? Does she want to come before God and answer for that? Is it really worth it? He won’t be standing beside her when she comes before God to give an account for her life. How is she going to feel taking this risk and possibly having her boyfriend break up with her? How devastating will that be?

The Wisdom of God is our road map to help us maneuver around the mine fields of life. Some have to learn the hard way and you’ll be there to pick up the pieces. Hugs to you.
 
Not all birth control is an abortificient. (I also use to work in a pharmacy). Check the label to see if it is an estrogen or progesterone type of birth control. The estrogen only birth control should stop her from ovulating. Progesterone birth control stops implantation of a fertilized egg.

Sometimes the two hormones are combined.
I am only telling you this so that you will have some peace of mind if she uses estrogen only.
 
Uhhhh…this may sound “harsh” but tell her either she stops using the pill and having sex or she can find another place to live. Your house your rules. Why have her influencing the other children? (if you have any others)

Time for tough love.

DoT
 
I would not suggest tossing her out. This can be a clear learning experience to your other children. At 17, I don’t even think it is legal to kick her out anyway since she is a minor. She is making a mistake, she isn’t trying to hurt anyone.

Continue to love her and show her the way. By kicking her out you would be showing your other children that if you sin you are not lovable. Love her through this.
 
NFP1Kate said:
I am sorry you are going through this. This must be very painful and disappointing for you.

I have a little advice, I was a youth minister for awhile and spoke with parents on this very issue.

First of all, pray.

Secondly, tell her how disappointed you are and worried for her soul. Do not get mad, it will drive her towards him. Do not advise her to stop birth control and do not teach her NFP, she is not responsible enough for it.

Thirdly, recognize that your children will sin- they are not perfect. God can turn this into something very good for her future. It might take some time though.

Finally, spell out rules for her. She may not bring him into your home for relations and she may not spend the night at his while she is a youth. You can take away privileges, like driving privileges, and cell phone, etc.

The most important thing is to not get overly upset no matter how emotionally horrible this is for you. Our Heavenly Mother still loves her, and cries for her, and holds the door open for her when she is ready to come back to the faith. You should do the same.
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As a youth minister, did you encounter some kids who confided in you that they were sexually active??

Also…I can’t believe that my under age child can go to a family planning clinic to be put on contraception without my consent. I am so niave.
 
I’m sorry your are going through this. I imagine it is heart-breaking. Honestly, I don’t think strangers on the internet are the best judge of what to do with your daughter. Frankly, you know her the best and what will work for one girl will not work for another. I think you ought to consider getting help from a professional (ie. priest, youth counselor) rather than us.

Whatever you do, DON’T give up and take up the line of, “Oh, well, kids will do whatever they want and there’s nothing I can do about it.” The next thing you know, you’ll find yourself allowing the boy to live with you in order to keep the peace! I know that sounds crazy but I know of at least three households where this has happened. The excuses these parents come up with are insane, but they all start with that helpless, “What can I do?” nonsense. If you don’t give in on your moral convictions now, even if your daughter goes through tough times, she won’t look back and wonder why her parents didn’t do anything to stop her when she was approaching the cliff.

At any rate, it sounds like a hopeful situation to me, since your daughter respected you enough to tell you about it.
 
When the romance falls apart, the other kids will see that too, and hopefully learn. Sin draws us by promising something it can’t deliver and “love” and “stability” are an illusion at 17. Encourage her to focus on where she’s going in school and to look at how she will be supporting herself as an adult. Continue to build her future because, most likely, boyfriend won’t be in it anyway.
 
defenderoftruth said:
Uhhhh…this may sound “harsh” but tell her either she stops using the pill and having sex or she can find another place to live. Your house your rules. Why have her influencing the other children? (if you have any others)

Time for tough love.

DoT
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Throw her out? I’d be more inclined to lock her in.
 
So I must ask why your daughter divulged this to you. i think her motivation in doing so can help guide your next step.
 
Yes, not only can your daughter get birth control, she can get a pap, she can get treated for stds, she can get an abortion. All without consent.

Sadly, the fact that you didn’t know this kinda suggests there haven’t been educated discussions around the house.

You can’t know what she’s doing ever waking minute. I mean sure, insist she drop the BC, and quit having sex. Not sure how to enforce that.

She must think her boyfriend has not had sex with others. Obviously she’s not worried about STD’s. Although she should be. I wonder why it never occurred to her to have her boyfriend take care of the BC. Why put her body at risk?

She should learn about the failure of birth control and needs to be prepared to be a mommy should it fail. Can’t tell you how many PG girls I knew in HS who were “on the pill”. Most don’t really know how to use it.

She should learn that birth control messes with her natural cycle. So, the longer she is on it, the more she risks her ability to actually be a mother when she is older.

I would hope that your daughter isn’t even telling the other CHILDREN about her behavior.
 
I had a few teens proudly admit their loss of virginity to me. Most of the teens that had been sexually active had justified it in their minds that it their actions were okay and not sinful.

She probably had a friend tell her how to get birth control, she wouldn’t have figured that out for herself. If may have been her boyfriend, but most likely it was another girl.

Your other children do not need to see their sister like this. Your rules for her must include that she keeps their innocence while her boyfriend is around (if you allow him around at all).

If your husband can remain calm, he might want to have a talk with her boyfriend. Not in a threatening sort of way (I know he must want to grab a shot gun), just to explain the rules and boundaries within your home.
 
Look up chastity.com

Jason and Christalina Evert are good speakers and writers, and teens can easily understand them.

Christalina was sexually active at a young age, like 15, I think. She had multiple partners but was still able to turn her life around and stay pure until she was married. It’s a beautiful story.
 
There’s a great book called Love, Sex & Lasting Relationships by Chip Ingram, a Protestant pastor. It’s written for young people, and it explains really well how God made sex for marriage and how loving God’s way actually gets us the intimacy we need. It talks about how Hollywood has made infatuation look like love, and how God should be in the lead of the relationship. It’s just a fantastic book and easy to read.

I would recommend you read it first, though, since you’re the parent, to make sure you approve and so you can talk to her about it. It’s been a while since I read it, but I recall it’s more about Christian sex and love than it is about Christian doctrine, so it shouldn’t interfere with Catholic teaching.

A good book for all ages if you’re still on the fence about sex outside of marriage. At age 40, it made me change my opinion on it.

Praying for you both. :gopray2:
 
NFP1Kate said:
She probably had a friend tell her how to get birth control, she wouldn’t have figured that out for herself. If may have been her boyfriend, but most likely it was another girl.
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How is it that her friend would know about birthcontrol and she wouldn’t?
's 2012. The girls that attend school know about the pill by the 9th grade. At the latest.

Most likely she learned about it in a health class.
 
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