19 y.o. son not interested in girls...

[Jay82]

I guess I’m worried he doesn’t know the difference between a “nice” girl or not so nice girl. I’m hoping he takes it slowly and learns before he does something based on emotions of first love…

While I know I can identify a nice girl vs. not so good, I hope that I won’t make any bad choices due to emotions of first love. Maybe that is one of his reasons for not dating just yet. I know I didn’t date in high school cause I felt most girls were just too immature.

Some background, my son was faced with extraordinary circustances at the age of 12 when I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. At that young age, I had to have a heart to heart with him about being the man of the family if I died. I know it doesn’t sound fair, but that was the cards we where dealt. He is now very vigilant toward the family having lived through that with us. That could possibly be a reason he doesn’t go “far” from home. Not sure…

I was faced with a situation like that (health issue in my family), but I was older than your son (late teens), so yeah, it tends to make you feel more responsibility and forces you to mature faster. I don’t think it stopped me from dating/pursuing girls, but it made family the highest priority so everything else went down a notch. Even after starting my job full time I never spent my paychecks on meaningless things or luxury items like people my age would because I knew in the back of my mind that if anything changed in my parent’s situation that I would need to have savings to use to cover all sorts of expensives. Fortunately things have gone ok, but it definitely impacted my choices.

 

[Samson01]

Yeah, I’ve got one of both too. Older son is almost 20 and has never (to my knowledge) been out on a date, although he’s gone out with mixed groups of friends. He’s at university now and he’s a pretty private person about things like that so if he does ask a girl out, I probably won’t know about it for a while. He’s an introvert, but friendly and fun. He is in his 2nd year of a very demanding degree program as well having as an engrossing hobby (aerospace engineering; flies RC planes for fun, also is a pilot himself). I would think that he will find a girl with some of the same interests as he has.

Younger son has already had 2 serious girlfriends and he is 17. The last one broke his heart. I think it’s less likely that your older son will make stupid mistakes because he is already more mature than that. Our younger son has been “girl crazy” since middle school. Getting his heart shattered pinned his ears back a little though. I’m just sad he didn’t believe what I told him about getting sexual outside of marriage.

Yeah, the younger is headed to an early heartbreak, but he will be at home for awhile to get over it. I don’t think it gets any easier, does it? We have four children and my heart is already worried over my 9 y.o., only daughter. In a way, I’m glad things are different then in the 80’s when I was growing up around DC. now with the internet, facebook…kids don’t have to learn from first contact, KWIM. The older ones can solialize a bit on facebook and just turn off the computer if things get too much for them, unlike seven minutes in heaven or some party scene when I was growing up…

 

[Jay82]

Thanks for your insight MercyMia. I bet on the second reason as he has commented on that before. But, I was in the store once with him and a girl in line was staring at him, smiling and he turned as red as an apple, turned tail and ran out of there. I ribbed him a bit, but he acted like he didn’t notice… I have to be real careful about this.

Well maybe he is shy, but at least he noticed. I was in the exact same situation and was totally oblivious to the girl’s interest in me and only realized it after my parents who were with me told me so. I’ve had other situations like that where friends have indicated the same thing to me after the fact, but I had no clue during my interaction with the girl.

He’ll get more comfortable in those situations as time goes on.

 

[Samson01]

While I know I can identify a nice girl vs. not so good, I hope that I won’t make any bad choices due to emotions of first love. Maybe that is one of his reasons for not dating just yet. I know I didn’t date in high school cause I felt most girls were just too immature.

I was faced with a situation like that (health issue in my family), but I was older than your son (late teens), so yeah, it tends to make you feel more responsibility and forces you to mature faster. I don’t think it stopped me from dating/pursuing girls, but it made family the highest priority so everything else went down a notch. Even after starting my job full time I never spent my paychecks on meaningless things or luxury items like people my age would because I knew in the back of my mind that if anything changed in my parent’s situation that I would need to have savings to use to cover all sorts of expensives. Fortunately things have gone ok, but it definitely impacted my choices.

Wow Jay, great insights. Good for you brother.

 

[Rascalking]

While I can’t relate (I’ve always liked the company of woman, in particular pretty ones ) I think it’s fine. Some people are just late bloomers.

 

[SonCatcher]

I was 28 when I started dating. For some reason, it wasn’t really a need until the switch clicked that I was ready to marry.

 

[Samson01]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I feel more at ease about it. He’s my oldest, so it is new ground for me.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for your insight MercyMia. I bet on the second reason as he has commented on that before. But, I was in the store once with him and a girl in line was staring at him, smiling and he turned as red as an apple, turned tail and ran out of there. I ribbed him a bit, but he acted like he didn’t notice… I have to be real careful about this.

I have done some teasing too, that’s my sense of humor, but gosh! when it comes to the boy-girl stuff you sure do have to back off and be way more careful and basically just shut up. And try to remember how it feels to be young. I always think it’s funny to tease but when I was my son’s ages I would have been MORTIFIED if my dad had drawn attention to me that way.

The younger son has always been REALLY touchy about teasing. He’s better over the last year, can sometimes joke about himself, but any light remark has, as he was growing up, caused great consternation.

I hope you have filtering software on any computer your daughter has access to. That’s so critical now days. Don’t take any electronic media for granted. I’m sure you know this but you have to keep control of phones, iPods, computers and never let them expect that those conveniences belong to them fully.

It’s been hard raising boys but if I had a girl??? Convent time. “How do you handle a problem like Maria?” LOL

 

[Samson01]

I have done some teasing too, that’s my sense of humor, but gosh! when it comes to the boy-girl stuff you sure do have to back off and be way more careful and basically just shut up. And try to remember how it feels to be young. I always think it’s funny to tease but when I was my son’s ages I would have been MORTIFIED if my dad had drawn attention to me that way.

The younger son has always been REALLY touchy about teasing. He’s better over the last year, can sometimes joke about himself, but any light remark has, as he was growing up, caused great consternation.

I hope you have filtering software on any computer your daughter has access to. That’s so critical now days. Don’t take any electronic media for granted. I’m sure you know this but you have to keep control of phones, iPods, computers and never let them expect that those conveniences belong to them fully.

It’s been hard raising boys but if I had a girl??? Convent time. “How do you handle a problem like Maria?” LOL

LOL. I told her, jokingly, she is going in a convent. The younger ones don’t use the computer yet and we have good controls on the computer, so that’s not a problem. Yeah, I’m really in for it with my daughter. She looks just like her mother too, Lord help me.

 

[catharina]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I feel more at ease about it. He’s my oldest, so it is new ground for me.

Two suggestions for you.

1. Let St. Paul be your guide.
   “Have no anxieties about tomorrow.
   Today has plenty of its own.”

(hint: your daughter is NINE yrs old.)

1. Have some special/fun time with your oldest son.
   (hint: you delegated him “man of the house” when he was TWELVE yrs old.)
   Show him plenty of respect and enjoy your time with him.
   Make time for him. Movies, bowling, hiking, road trip, who cares.
   He will be out of your house in no time.

 

[Samson01]

Two suggestions for you.

1. Let St. Paul be your guide.
   “Have no anxieties about tomorrow.
   Today has plenty of its own.”

(hint: your daughter is NINE yrs old.)

1. Have some special/fun time with your oldest son.
   (hint: you delegated him “man of the house” when he was TWELVE yrs old.)
   Show him plenty of respect and enjoy your time with him.
   Make time for him. Movies, bowling, hiking, road trip, who cares.
   He will be out of your house in no time.

Yeah, that is good advice. We all recently went to my sisters in VT. My oldest and me rode snowmobiles all day together and towed the little ones up a big hill as they went sledding. We also went to UMass campus and showed him around. It was great time. My sister said she would put him up for free if he went to UMass just over the state line. He may go up there for a month to test the waters. This is prob. why this worry is starting to surface. Yeah, my little boy is all grown up…

 

[catharina]

Yeah, that is good advice. We all recently went to my sisters in VT. My oldest and me rode snowmobiles all day together and towed the little ones up a big hill as they went sledding. We also went to UMass campus and showed him around. It was great time. My sister said she would put him up for free if he went to UMass just over the state line. He may go up there for a month to test the waters. This is prob. why this worry is starting to surface. Yeah, my little boy is all grown up…

Yep - it’s a tough transition-time for parents.

DO YOUR BEST TO STAY NORMAL!

 

[1sicht]

OP, no worries, because for one thing, the longer your son waits and observes, the wiser he’ll be (learning from others’ mistakes, etc.). Also, the son of some friends of mine didn’t get married till he was 35 about 3 years ago (mainly because he was shy), and he wasn’t gay, either. Believe it or not, there’s a personality type that has prudence wired into them from the get-go (I’m one of them ), and they just don’t dive in feet first into situations the way most people do. Rejoice that he hasn’t been poisoned—and weakened!—by the degenerative influence of modern society.

 

[Bataar]

I’m 32 and have never had any kind of girlfriend. I’m sure my parents were “worried” at one point. I do have 2 cousins that are homosexual so even though nothing was ever said directly to me, I’d be surprised if no one ever considered it. A few years ago, I was disagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and that pretty much explained everything. My dislike of socializing, my difficulties with socializing, my inability to ready body language, etc. My parents feel bad for me because they don’t like seeing me lonely and struggling, but they realize there’s not really anyway to change it.

 

[child_of_God85]

Honestly, I was sort of like that at your sons age (except for the fact that I’ma girl). Aside from a few “celebrity crushes”, I wasn’t actually interested in dating. I think you get some kids that actually have their heads screwed on straight, and your son sounds like one of them. If you were in high school now would you want to hang around the kids of today? I sure wouldn’t, most of them are sex crazed flakes:shrug:
Be proud of your son for not being interested in dating right now. He sounds like a good kid:thumbsup:

 

[Battle_Warrior]

Leave him alone…if he doesn’t want a girlfriend that is up to him alone…he is 19… don’t try to run his life!!!.

 

[Musician]

Samson, you have received mostly great advice from the posters.
You may want to have a little chat with your son before he leaves to go to uni. Explain about being very careful with the partying, etc. (Sometimes even the shy ones will surprise you!)
You sound like a really great dad. I am sure you are a blessing to your family!

 

[Samson01]

We had the partying talk when he was in High School. He was in a band that played a club and I had a talk with him about …He is straight edge, in to alternative music with a straight edge messege. I’m proud of him avoiding the bad scene like that.

Battle Warrior, I have some responsibilty to do the right thing by my son and if he needs a talk about relationships and I need advice on it, it is well within my right as a concerned parent. I am still in the advice mode and will consider yours.

Thank you all for this reminder of how to handle this. It is best to let him grow a bit and to give him timely, fatherly advice when needed. Thankfully he knows and has turned to me for anything he may need and hopefully we will continue to have a good relationship. It is a delicate balance. Samson

 

[Jay82]

Thank you all for this reminder of how to handle this. It is best to let him grow a bit and to give him timely, fatherly advice when needed. Thankfully he knows and has turned to me for anything he may need and hopefully we will continue to have a good relationship. It is a delicate balance. Samson

Sounds like you are doing great Samson. Seems to me like your son will do just fine.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We had the partying talk when he was in High School. He was in a band that played a club and I had a talk with him about …He is straight edge, in to alternative music with a straight edge messege. I’m proud of him avoiding the bad scene like that.

Battle Warrior, I have some responsibilty to do the right thing by my son and if he needs a talk about relationships and I need advice on it, it is well within my right as a concerned parent. I am still in the advice mode and will consider yours.

Thank you all for this reminder of how to handle this. It is best to let him grow a bit and to give him timely, fatherly advice when needed. Thankfully he knows and has turned to me for anything he may need and hopefully we will continue to have a good relationship. It is a delicate balance. Samson

Even though my 17 year old made a mistake getting into a physical relationship with his girlfriend, he’s got his head on straight when it comes to drugs and alcohol…He’s a musician too, he does synthesizers mostly - heard of Deadmau5? Or Owl City? Very different but he likes them both. He plays guitar too. He took all this up after he had a bad accident on his skateboard and I told him no more skating w/o equipment. So God works in funny ways sometimes.

His ex-GF broke up with him when he told her it was him or the pot…and she chose the pot…He just got the phone number of some girl he met at work…when he called her, she was high so he just ended the call. I wondered when his stubborn independence would serve him well instead of just in rebellion against my rules…it’s showing up now.

The club scene and especially the rave scene is based on drugs, so I fear for my son’s determination to stay clean…but I have to reinforce that he’s making the right decisions in the NOW. I pray for him daily. Of course I’d like him to start playing Christian music but I can’t push that…at least there wouldn’t be drugs in that scene.