1st time pregnant ... heartbroken ... can't stop crying

[AlieMarie728]

I found out I’m pregnant. It’s the first time, DH and I weren’t “trying” per se, and I thought I’d be OK with whatever happened. It turns out I’m not. With the exception of the times I’m at work, I haven’t been able to stop crying (and not from happiness).

I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this. I’m 27, but I’m not ready. I wish we would have waited longer. I’m panicking, and I feel like a freak. I’m trying to be excited about it, but I just can’t be. I feel like a horrible person.

I don’t know what to do.

 

[spunjalebi]

All I can say is no matter the negative things you may think of yourself, there is never a “good time” for anything in life. An unplanned pregnancy isn’t something most people are able to take into stride, but the only thing you have control over is how you handle the situation.

 

[LongingSoul]

I found out I’m pregnant. It’s the first time, DH and I weren’t “trying” per se, and I thought I’d be OK with whatever happened. It turns out I’m not. With the exception of the times I’m at work, I haven’t been able to stop crying (and not from happiness).

I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this. I’m 27, but I’m not ready. I wish we would have waited longer. I’m panicking, and I feel like a freak. I’m trying to be excited about it, but I just can’t be. I feel like a horrible person.

I don’t know what to do.

Noooo. You aren’t a freak and you aren’t a horrible person. The first pregnancy is sometimes daunting because in a way control over your body and future is suddenly taken out of your hands. There’s no changing ones mind or going back and that does take some adjusting to. From my experience, be assured that nature has a way of sorting a lot of that stuff as the pregnancy grows. Lots of little things happen in the course of pre-natal life that build your confidence and resilience to be the mother to this child. Take each day as it comes and try not to ‘speculate’ if that’s causing you to worry.

 

[FrenzyJen]

I was happy about our first, but I felt the same way you describe now with our 2nd.

If people waited until they were ready for kids, no one would ever have kids.

You are already a mommy. Look at it that way. It’s not something that you’re going to have to do, it’s something that you’re already doing.

I will pray so much for you today!! I remember the feeling, and the guilt that comes from that natural feeling. It will be okay

 

[mommamaree]

It is very common for women to experience fear and uncertainty while pregnant, even if it is a planned pregnancy. For one thing, this is a life-changing experience. For another, the changes it makes on and inside your body are very challenging to handle at times. You are already going through tremendous changes, and your very body is caught up in this process that is bigger than you and over which, ultimately, you have very little control. So what you are feeling is very normal and quite common. Many first-time moms are also terrified of messing up as a mom, and also fear being stifled by having to take care of a new baby. When I experienced such fears, which recur with each pregnancy, that is the time where I give myself a time out. I do something nice for myself, where I can relax and focus upon loving my baby. I take a bath, rub my belly (the baby can feel the pressure of your strokes!), I drink some chamomile tea, cry out talk it out with someone who can listen and reassure me. So try these things to take care of yourself and destress. See if you can create a happy place for yourself to love your baby and begin to look forward with joy and leave your fears behind. You will be a good mom. God bless you!

 

[brutus1989]

You are a great person .that you care about this, proves it. I am a guy but i have been through similar circumstances. If think you are not ready, you’re not ready, simple. Work your way through this. I have a daughter thats 24, so i know i little, ok? So swears she doesnt want kids ever, so , i deal with that . All i can advise to you is don’t cry anymore, and when the time is right, and you are ready, may you have a happy, healthy child. Peace o

 

[Jessie5000]

I found out I’m pregnant. It’s the first time, DH and I weren’t “trying” per se, and I thought I’d be OK with whatever happened. It turns out I’m not. With the exception of the times I’m at work, I haven’t been able to stop crying (and not from happiness).

I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this. I’m 27, but I’m not ready. I wish we would have waited longer. I’m panicking, and I feel like a freak. I’m trying to be excited about it, but I just can’t be. I feel like a horrible person.

I don’t know what to do.

My gut feeling is that you are scared. I do not know many people who were not scared to death to have kids. We are often scared of what we have not experienced - sort of a fear for the unknown. Talk to your parents, they will shall how scared they were but, how in hindsight, they are pleased and found out they did not have much to fear.

When we are young we feel… Oh my goodness, I feel like someone’s child and do not know if I am ready to be someone’s parent. If you are scared talk with parents of all walks and share your fears and anxieties, this will help. Finally, be confident God has entrust a child to you for a reason. Through out life, we go through changes we fear only to realize later, God knew what he was doing. I am sure you will be a lovely mother.

 

[EasterJoy]

Do not underestimate what hormones can do to your emotions–and you are experiencing a huge hormonal change! My OB/GYN told me that the hormones of a pregnant woman are so different than her pre-pregnancy self that (chemically speaking) she joins a third gender. Your body has become that different from what you were previously. That’s going to take some getting used to. Like adolescence, an emotional roller-coaster is the norm for many pregnant women. Don’t hold that against yourself.

The first thing to learn as a mother is that you cannot produce the “right” emotion for every occasion. Feel what you feel; share your feelings with those you select with a thought to avoid those who might feel upset by your feelings. What is important is that you do the right thing, not that you feel the right thing. Accepting that your emotions are what they are and not always going to conform to some ideal of what they “ought” to be will help you to take it serenely when your children don’t display the emotions you might have expected or hoped for. It will happen, and it is OK.

As for right now, my OB doc also told me to make it a point to go out to concerts and that kind of thing before getting too big for it to be comfortable. That was very nice advice. We had twins, and it was awhile before it was practical to do that kind of thing again.

You’ll survive this. You won’t be perfect, but someone is going to think you are the best mother in the whole world. You’ll hold your children to a standard and forgive them for their failures, and from you they’ll learn to do the same for you. They are lucky to be coming into a family with two parents who love each other and are committed to staying with each other. If you have that, your child is already very advantaged.

At any rate, it is coming, and it is going to be extraordinary!! You can do it! When the glad feelings come (and they will come and go), be happy to have them!

 

[maryjk]

Do not underestimate what hormones can do to your emotions–and you are experiencing a huge hormonal change! My OB/GYN told me that the hormones of a pregnant woman are so different than her pre-pregnancy self that (chemically speaking) she joins a third gender. Your body has become that different from what you were previously. That’s going to take some getting used to. Like adolescence, an emotional roller-coaster is the norm for many pregnant women. Don’t hold that against yourself.

So true.

We were trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant.

And I cried at everything. My emotions were a roller coaster.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

I found out I’m pregnant. It’s the first time, DH and I weren’t “trying” per se, and I thought I’d be OK with whatever happened. It turns out I’m not. With the exception of the times I’m at work, I haven’t been able to stop crying (and not from happiness).

I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this. I’m 27, but I’m not ready. I wish we would have waited longer. I’m panicking, and I feel like a freak. I’m trying to be excited about it, but I just can’t be. I feel like a horrible person.

I don’t know what to do.

Hey, you are one of tens of billions since history began. Its perfectly normal, you will be fine.

Linus2nd

 

[MikkiD]

Lots of good comments here. I would like to echo Easterjoy’s post. It’s going to get better. Hormones play havoc. And timing is never.perfect. Ask for God’s help. He will be there for you!

 

[Allegra]

I agree with other posters that it sounds like hormones might be playing havoc with your emotions. It’s common for women to feel depression during their pregnancy, even if they’ve been looking forward to being a mom forever. You might want to look into some counseling if you are crying everyday, to help with your anxiety. Also, confide in your husband and other close family members and let them rally around you.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with other posters that it sounds like hormones might be playing havoc with your emotions. It’s common for women to feel depression during their pregnancy, even if they’ve been looking forward to being a mom forever. You might want to look into some counseling if you are crying everyday, to help with your anxiety. Also, confide in your husband and other close family members and let them rally around you.

Yes. These are “OK” feelings, and being emotionally labile and even crying a lot is something many women in the same situation experience.

In this, your first parental crisis, OP, I would give this set of cautions, and suggest that you remember it for the rest of your parental life:

a) As a parent, expect to get more opinions and advice than you thought possible. This is whether you ask for it or not and whether or not you have ever met these people. It takes a village to raise a child? Would that only the local villagers chiming in!!

b) Particularly expect opinions and advice when you are going through a difficult time. Triple that if you broach the topic. Tell people about your problems, you need that, but* choose* them. (Provided you have a pediatrician and a confessor, you may ignore everybody else.)

c) Whenever your find ANYBODY who can listen to you talk about difficult times in your marriage and family without telling you what you OUGHT to do or what you OUGHT to feel or what results you OUGHT to be getting, but instead suggest possible ideas to consider and then lets go of their own opinion in order to allow you to be the expert about your own life, hold onto that person over solid gold!

d) It is a special person with whom you can share how proud you are of your child, how thrilled you are at the smallest thing he or she does. Treasure that person for their kind and patient indulgence. The world is full of remarkable children. Be happy when you have found the person who is willing to listen to you exult about the unspeakable wonder that will be your child.

That’s what I think you ought to do.

 

[FrenzyJen]

I won’t join in on the “hormones” train, because I remember how frustrating it was that when I was pregnant everyone would discount my feelings as hormones. You are still a person, you are still allowed your thoughts and opinions.

But a previous poster did have a good point. You guys are married, you’re average age for a first baby (7 years older than I was with my first!). You love each other, and obviously you’re not completely opposed to the idea.

It seems daunting, it seems scary. It really truly is. But you are already doing a great job. I hope that you can find a way to get excited about this baby. (Don’t watch labor videos on youtube, whatever you do!!) Maybe go to a baby store website and look at stuff. Imagine your baby as different genders. But clearance summer maternity clothes that you’ll need next summer. Eat a tub of ice cream and not feel bad. Try to give yourself ways to get excited about it. It’s pretty scary, but how many billions of people have done it before? There’s no perfect situation, but yours actually sounds alright

 

[pentecostbaby]

I seriously could have written your post four and some years ago. To the letter. I wept and wept and freaked out and lost it and cried and was 100% NOT okay.
Turns out that though I’ve always had issues with depression, getting pregnant made them so much worse. In retrospect, I should have been hospitalized. I ended up on meds and it was the best thing for me.
Once I separated the terror from my feelings toward my baby, I started to feel better. I realized that my fear and misery was because I didn’t feel like I could do it - NOT because I hated or disliked or didn’t want my son. I wanted and loved him. But I was terrified.
Get help. Do it now. You will feel so much better. And saying that it’s triggered by hormones or anything doesn’t make it less real or less horrible. God bless you, honey - I’ve been there and it’s a terrible place. Message me if you want to talk more.

 

[EasterJoy]

I won’t join in on the “hormones” train, because I remember how frustrating it was that when I was pregnant everyone would discount my feelings as hormones. You are still a person, you are still allowed your thoughts and opinions…

This is a good clarification to make! Her hormones might be amplifying her feelings or even giving her feelings she does not understand, or they might not. In either case, they’re still real feelings.

The caution about the hormones was meant to reassure her that it would not be unusual if she is finding herself more emotionally labile than she ever has been before. It was not meant to imply that her feelings aren’t real or legitimate. The idea was that she ought not take it to heart too much in the case where her thoughts and feelings don’t seem match or are not what she imagined they would be when she contemplated pregnancy in theory, because hormones can do that.

If I had to guess, I’d say the most likely thing is that her misgivings about the enormity of becoming a parent are very real, but that the emotions are amplified by the hormone change and more intense and more difficult to control than she is used to. I mean like wedding “cold feet”–which sometimes come just from normal concern about a big commitment, but sometimes not–only with a bigger hit of hormones on top than adolescence had brought on. That is a lot to bear. She ought to be easy on herself, that is the main thing.

You sound like that person who lets your friends be the experts about their own lives–pure gold!

 

[petra22]

Praying for you.

Oh God, hold us all in the palms of your hands and hide us in the shelter of your wings. Bless heartbroken with peace, faith, strength, hope and love. Send lots of love, Father, and lots of peace, peace the world cannot give. Amen.

 

[AlieMarie728]

My gut feeling is that you are scared. I do not know many people who were not scared to death to have kids. We are often scared of what we have not experienced - sort of a fear for the unknown. Talk to your parents, they will shall how scared they were but, how in hindsight, they are pleased and found out they did not have much to fear.

When we are young we feel… Oh my goodness, I feel like someone’s child and do not know if I am ready to be someone’s parent. .

This pretty much hits the nail on the head. DH and I are both the oldest child in our respective families, so it was generally understood that it would be up to us to give our parents the first grandchild. For me, at least, that’s a lot of pressure and attention I really just don’t want. I doubt I even want a legit baby shower, because I hate the fuss. (I was the same way about our wedding too.)

Also, I’m terrified of newborns. I can rock being around toddlers and older kids, but infants and babies I don’t have much experience with. In the words of Robin Scherbatzky on “How I Met Your Mother” — “Babies are scary. They have HUGE eyes! And that soft spot … if something is going to have a self-destruct button it shouldn’t be somewhere it could accidentally get pressed.”

 

[AlieMarie728]

How far along are you? How does your husband feel about this? How do you feel physically? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you feeling nauseated? Sometimes the feelings of exhaustion and nausea can compound things so I thought I would ask.

I just found out on Thursday, so probably 3 weeks, tops. I have my prenatal assessment next week. I have been feeling nausea, but who knows if that’s from baby or nerves/anxiety. I’ve been exhausted too, but it’s been kind of a crazy week … we had DH’s grandma’s funeral on Monday and a lot of traveling, so it was kind of taxing.

I’d like to clarify that this wasn’t necessarily unplanned, we knew I was fertile and we were just kind of like “Let’s see what happens.” I’m kind of surprised that I’m reacting this way, it’s kind of and ebb and flow where I’m more excited than scared and vice versa. I just feel horrible that I’m not like those women who are like “yay, babies!” But that’s just not my personality.

 

[EasterJoy]

I just found out on Thursday, so probably 3 weeks, tops. I have my prenatal assessment next week. I have been feeling nausea, but who knows if that’s from baby or nerves/anxiety. I’ve been exhausted too, but it’s been kind of a crazy week … we had DH’s grandma’s funeral on Monday and a lot of traveling, so it was kind of taxing.

I’d like to clarify that this wasn’t necessarily unplanned, we knew I was fertile and we were just kind of like “Let’s see what happens.” I’m kind of surprised that I’m reacting this way, it’s kind of and ebb and flow where I’m more excited than scared and vice versa. I just feel horrible that I’m not like those women who are like “yay, babies!” But that’s just not my personality.

There is nothing in life where being the most “rah-rah” about it beforehand says a lot. There have been wars fought where the gung-ho hoo-rah guys weren’t there when the shooting started, and the guys who didn’t want to be there and were throwing up with nerves the night before showed themselves worthy of the Silver Star when all was said and done.

Your feeling are there for you. They are your personal whole-body feedback about your interior life. Yes, they can be thrown off by hormones, just as you know they can be affected by sleep, what your blood sugar is doing, and successes and fears from your past. Still, they are yours. If someone else finds them edifying, that’s fine, but saints aren’t saints because they feel the right feelings at the right time. Saints are saints not because of love the emotion, the noun, but because of love the verb. So go ahead and feel your feelings. They don’t make yoh “better” or “worse”. They are just telling you how you’re doing; they take away the glass and let you touch the world. They let you touch yourself. Again: accept them without judgment in yourself and you’ll be lucky enough to accept them in your children. Do that, and you will give your children a great gift.