1st time pregnant ... heartbroken ... can't stop crying

[fontgoddess]

Hey, having a first baby is scary, no matter what. Even if you plan it and want it and think you’re ready. That’s all abstract until you’re staring at the positive test. Then it gets real and yes, it is overwhelming. To mention hormones is not to dismiss the reality of the emotions, but it helps to realize they make you a bit more up and down than you might normally be. I think I’ve cried more in the last four years (since the first pregnancy - I’ve got 2 toddlers now) than I did in the 41 years before! But I’ve also had more pure joy, so there is that.

I was scared of newborns, too. They seem so fragile! But you get used to handling a baby more easily than you would believe. Really! We are so much stronger and more adaptable than we can imagine.

I will pray for you.

P.S. Don’t read too many pregnancy books, they will just freak you out.

 

[bmaj]

I just found out on Thursday, so probably 3 weeks, tops. I have my prenatal assessment next week. I have been feeling nausea, but who knows if that’s from baby or nerves/anxiety. I’ve been exhausted too, but it’s been kind of a crazy week … we had DH’s grandma’s funeral on Monday and a lot of traveling, so it was kind of taxing.

I’d like to clarify that this wasn’t necessarily unplanned, we knew I was fertile and we were just kind of like “Let’s see what happens.” I’m kind of surprised that I’m reacting this way, it’s kind of and ebb and flow where I’m more excited than scared and vice versa. I just feel horrible that I’m not like those women who are like “yay, babies!” But that’s just not my personality.

No wonder you’re feeling the way you are. So much to absorb and go through, just finding out your pregnant for the first time, and then a family funeral with lots of traveling thrown in! Please know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers. All will work out - God has it under His control!

As others have said, hormones can do strange things…at so many stages in our lives. And then there are also very normal fears of raising a newborn, but you’ll have over eight more months to get used to the feelings, research any info you might have questions about, and also gradually imagine the miracle of the life growing inside of you. You don’t say whether you’re a bit scared of the actual birth or not, but you don’t need to be. Some people play it up like it’s horrendous (maybe they’re just being overly dramatic or enjoy sympathy!), but I can tell you from experience that it’s MUCH easier than I ever thought. And nothing in this world can ever compare to the first time you see your precious baby. You can call the doctor and tell him/her how you’re feeling, too - they can help in many ways!

May God bless you and your baby and help turn those tears to tears of joy! Prayers heading your way, and a hug, too.

 

[CarrieSpooner]

Hugs and prayers!!

Our last baby was conceived after 3 long years of secondary infertility and a 2nd trimester loss. We longed for this baby for so long and we tried so hard to get pregnant. But the moment I found out, I thought, “what have I done!!!”…I wondered if it was a big mistake, how could I handle a baby? I was so sad and seriously distraught. Thankfully, that passed. That baby is now 4 and he is such a blessing from God. I can’t even tell you how much joy he has brought to our lives!!!

It’s ok to feel this way. You are doing the right thing by letting it out and seeing support. I know a previous poster suggested ignoring all other advice except for Pediatrician and Confessor (even though that was unsolicited advice from neither, lol). I would recommend the opposite. Seek out a group of people for support, help, advice, etc. We all need a village! I think part of the reason it’s so common for moms to be so upset when they become pregnant is the lack of a village. It’s too bad that Hillary Clinton gave that phrase such a bad name with bad ideology. But the concept is solid – we are one body in Christ Jesus! We need to be dependent on each other. I think I would have gone crazy had I only listened to my ped and Confessor! I absolutely love my confessor but he has no kids and loves the fact that he was sent to boarding school most of his life. That’s not what I want for my kids, in the least. I have been running a local mom’s group for 8ish years now and the #1 thing we get is moms who can’t find a good pediatrician. They are few and far between, the terrible advice that can be given would be comical if it weren’t so sad.

I have learned so much from like-minded women who came before me in their mothering journey and even from some who came after me. We live in such isolation these days and that can be the hardest obstacles for moms. Who likes the thought of sitting home alone all day with a fragile newborn while everyone else is around other adults?!? No one! This why we need village, or call it community – whatever word you want to use. Just recently Pope Francis spoke about this, about having multiple generations of family together. We just don’t have that anymore but we must seek to create something similar by whatever means we can so that we are not alone, separated form the Body. Don’t be scared of advice. It’s just advice. Take it or leave it. Support and love and dependence is needed. Just think of what our Blessed Mother did – when she found out Elizabeth was pregnant, she went to her in haste. That’s what we need to do for one another, not avoid them to just listen to two authority figures. It’s a lot less scary when you have that support all around you!

 

[Aggies08]

Just so you know, I’m not a baby person. Pregnancy was fine (well, except the morning sickness ), but babies? I’m very indifferent toward them until they are 2 or so- including my own! I have 3 kids. Not everyone is a “Awww so cute/don’t you want one/etc” personality, and that’s ok.

 

[Xantippe]

I definitely remember thinking, “What was I thinking!” after we discovered we were expecting our first baby. And that was after 6 months of trying. That surprise and dismay faded pretty quickly, but it’s a very natural response.

 

[Kelfa28]

You are scared.
That’s totally normal.

I was excited and felt fine about it until I brought the baby home. The second we stepped into the house with our daughter…I panicked and became inconsolable. I cried uncontrollably about the most trivial things.

My husband had to call reinforcements in the form of my MIL…who was an angel.

I had never held a baby younger then a year old until my daughter. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Motherhood just came naturally. I’m still learning…and still scared. My daughter is now 19 months and here we are expecting number 2 in a couple of weeks.

Your baby is blessed. He/she has been given the advantage of a married mother and father who are committed to each other before God. It doesn’t get any better then that.

Prayers for you for a healthy 9 months.

 

[Gullveig]

I know exactly how you feel, Alie, I just found out last week that I’m the same boat. Stressing about it isn’t good for you or the baby, though, so what I would try to do is relax. You’ve had a rough time lately. If there’s anytime when you have an excuse to pamper yourself a little bit, it’s right now. Make sure you get enough sleep and get your vitamins, as that can have an effect on your mood. Once you take the edge off the stress, look at the stuff that really scares you about becoming a mother. If you’re afraid of babies or that you might not be able to care for one, maybe you and your husband could sign up for a local parenting class to get some practice and practical advice and training. Your doctor might be able to recommend a place to look for one.

None of this means you’re failure or a bad person. It just happens. My doc told me that the less you stress about it, the easier things are likely to go, and that sounds like good advice to me. Congrats, btw. I’m sure that you will be a great mom and that everything will be fine.

 

[EasterJoy]

I know exactly how you feel, Alie, I just found out last week that I’m the same boat. Stressing about it isn’t good for you or the baby, though, so what I would try to do is relax. You’ve had a rough time lately. If there’s anytime when you have an excuse to pamper yourself a little bit, it’s right now. Make sure you get enough sleep and get your vitamins, as that can have an effect on your mood. Once you take the edge off the stress, look at the stuff that really scares you about becoming a mother. If you’re afraid of babies or that you might not be able to care for one, maybe you and your husband could sign up for a local parenting class to get some practice and practical advice and training. Your doctor might be able to recommend a place to look for one.

None of this means you’re failure or a bad person. It just happens. My doc told me that the less you stress about it, the easier things are likely to go, and that sounds like good advice to me. Congrats, btw. I’m sure that you will be a great mom and that everything will be fine.

True, but stressing about it may be out of her hands to some extent. Pampering is a great idea, but if there is still some anxiety even after all of that, oh well. It is in the range of typical. I only mean this: take carte blanche for self-care, go for that, but there is no reason to be anxious about being anxious. Pregnancy and parenthood can be one temptation towards anxiety after another. You do what you can and you ride out what you can’ chane. Many moms go through it, and their babies all seem pretty resilient about it, which is why the moms tend to laugh about it later.*

Parenting has been one big lesson to me about how few things we can control in life–even our own emotions! As you point out, you can definitely steer your emotions and physical response to pregnancy in a certain desired direction. After that, well, just hang on for the ride. If parents do their best and then let the gap between what they intended and what they actually did be taken care of by God, that seems to work quite well.

I’d not invite a lot of post-motherhood storytelling right now. They’ll be laughing about it, but it may not have that effect on you!! It’s like telling a middle-schooler about what high school was really like for you. Just. Don’t. Go. There. Say it with a smile, but tell them to keep their “horror” stories to themselves! Make a date to laugh with them about all your stories later*!

 

[heidi_storage]

I know exactly how you feel, Alie, I just found out last week that I’m the same boat. Stressing about it isn’t good for you or the baby, though, so what I would try to do is relax. You’ve had a rough time lately. If there’s anytime when you have an excuse to pamper yourself a little bit, it’s right now. Make sure you get enough sleep and get your vitamins, as that can have an effect on your mood. Once you take the edge off the stress, look at the stuff that really scares you about becoming a mother. If you’re afraid of babies or that you might not be able to care for one, maybe you and your husband could sign up for a local parenting class to get some practice and practical advice and training. Your doctor might be able to recommend a place to look for one.

None of this means you’re failure or a bad person. It just happens. My doc told me that the less you stress about it, the easier things are likely to go, and that sounds like good advice to me. Congrats, btw. I’m sure that you will be a great mom and that everything will be fine.

Great advice; I would just add, don’t stress about stressing! Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, but don’t panic if you get stressful moments. God will get you through them, and he is looking out for you and for your little one.

 

[Country_Gal]

I found out I’m pregnant. It’s the first time, DH and I weren’t “trying” per se, and I thought I’d be OK with whatever happened. It turns out I’m not. With the exception of the times I’m at work, I haven’t been able to stop crying (and not from happiness).

I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this. I’m 27, but I’m not ready. I wish we would have waited longer. I’m panicking, and I feel like a freak. I’m trying to be excited about it, but I just can’t be. I feel like a horrible person.

I don’t know what to do.

Everything will be ok, sweetie. You can do it. Your hormones are messing with you! You are NOT a freak!

What should you do? Get on a healthy eating plan, start taking prenatals, get moderate exercise and lots of fresh air. Start asking trusted friends for a good, supportive Doctor or Midwife to handle your prenatal care and delivery!

 

[styrgwillidar]

Good you can vent here. I’m a guy but had some of the same feelings with our first even though we were actively trying. Let’s face it, this is a huge change with a lot of unknowns. If you’re a person used to having a lot of control over your life, having kids adds a lot of uncertainty. You know things are going to change, but not exactly how.

Frankly, I didn’t really feel like a parent until the first time my child was sick. Then their total dependence on us as their parents really hit me.

It’s a really big responsibility and very natural to wonder if you’re up to the tasks you’ll be facing. It shows you have an appreciation for the magnitude of what parenting is. Like any big life change, you’ll always think through the ramifications, the what ifs etc.

There are good things about having kids earlier, you’re younger when they leave finally.

As others said, find someone neutral you can talk to, even if its’ a counselor. Sometimes its beneficial to have a truly neutral party to talk to as a sounding board- even if they’re paid to listen. Just a sounding board for reasonableness that you’re not worried about offending or feels obligated to give an opinion/direction. ETA: or criticism, telling you how you should feel!

Congratulations.

Oh, one of the things I never understood- when my wife was visibly pregnant, for some reason many women, complete strangers, would approach her and tell her horror stories about their difficult pregnancies etc. Avoid those folks like the plague they are.

 

[EasterJoy]

Great advice; I would just add, don’t stress about stressing! Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, but don’t panic if you get stressful moments. God will get you through them, and he is looking out for you and for your little one.

You said what I was trying to say so succinctly!

 

[jazzy0710]

I found out I’m pregnant. It’s the first time, DH and I weren’t “trying” per se, and I thought I’d be OK with whatever happened. It turns out I’m not. With the exception of the times I’m at work, I haven’t been able to stop crying (and not from happiness).

I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this. I’m 27, but I’m not ready. I wish we would have waited longer. I’m panicking, and I feel like a freak. I’m trying to be excited about it, but I just can’t be. I feel like a horrible person.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m 27 and pregnant for the first time as well. Mind you DH and I were trying.

It’s normal to have doubts and panic.

How does your DH feel?

 

[AlieMarie728]

How does your DH feel?

He’s better about it all than I am. He’s pretty steady, whereas I’ve gone through phases of absolute panic to peace and now back to panic. I can’t help but feel like I won’t be able to hack it as a parent.

 

[EasterJoy]

He’s better about it all than I am. He’s pretty steady, whereas I’ve gone through phases of absolute panic to peace and now back to panic. I can’t help but feel like I won’t be able to hack it as a parent.

People who are as concerned as you are tend to do very well. You won’t be perfect, but no one is. Take good care of yourself and try to concern yourself with what today’s duties ask of you. That will be a good start!

 

[lily22]

Give it all to God, and don’t panic. There’s no support in society for women when they get pregnant, so it’s a shock on a few levels.

So what? You are pregnant. Sport it. Be happy. Put on a nice dress. Do fun things. Don’t complain and don’t make excuses to anyone. They don’t like it? Too bad for them.

It’s never our timing anyway. There’s no our perfect timing because it’s God who is in control over our lives.

 

[Country_Gal]

So true, Lily!

 

[Kelfa28]

Give it all to God, and don’t panic. There’s no support in society for women when they get pregnant, so it’s a shock on a few levels.

So what? You are pregnant. Sport it. Be happy. Put on a nice dress. Do fun things. Don’t complain and don’t make excuses to anyone. They don’t like it? Too bad for them.

It’s never our timing anyway. There’s no our perfect timing because it’s God who is in control over our lives.

I love this.

This is so true.

Give it up to God. Ask our blessed Mother for her prayers. Pray the rosary (I prayed my rosary daily when I found out I was pregnant with our first…it started some good future habits).

In the meantime…start looking for some cute maternity clothes and planning your nursery. That was fun for me. It might put a smile on your face.
Hubby and I went out on date night more often because we knew what was coming and date night wouldn’t be as frequent anymore.

My first pregnancy I didn’t dress cute or buy maternity clothes. I was in denial for the most part. I lived in sweats.
This one…I picked up some really cute summer dresses and went out in my full pregnant glory.

The best moment is finally getting to meet your beautiful new baby and holding him/her for the first time. Also, seeing your husband hold the new baby the two of you created…together.

 

[jazzy0710]

People who are as concerned as you are tend to do very well. You won’t be perfect, but no one is. Take good care of yourself and try to concern yourself with what today’s duties ask of you. That will be a good start!

I couldn’t agree more with this.

 

[Captain_America]

If everyone waited to be perfect before he or she became a parent, there would simply be no parents whatever.

You do the best you can, with what you got.

This is why—and read the various comments here—there’s a family and parenting section. We parents don’t have the answers, and we’re trying to find the right ones as we go. It’s something you get better at doing. You’ll do fine.