26 y/o daughter in trouble

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For a few years now, my daughter has become increasingly difficult to communicate with. She has never been married and she has no children and can’t seem to keep a relationship. I fear she is/has been on drugs and it’s part of the problem with her increased level of volatility. She has never put me in harms way…that is until last week. Since last week’s occurrence, I can not allow her to live in my home nor visit nor call. I fear her and she knows this. She says things that are so hurtful, she has no respect for me in any way. And to be honest, she rarely shows respect to others. The only way she does give respect to others, is if she has just met them and they just don’t know her. I have often wondered if she has a mental health condition. I raised three children, two boys, and last came my daughter. My boys are complete opposite of her. I did not raise my kids wrong, nor bad. I did not neglect them nor treat them poorly. I did teach them right from wrong, but I rarely disciplined them, if at all. My ex-husband and I divorced in 2002 when my daughter was very impressionable. From that point on, everything turned to hate. She hated everything and everyone. I tried to seek help, and she refused to go. I had no father figure for her after the divorce, which seemed to make everything spiral. Here is my thoughts on what to do; I am buying a small home for $60,000, which will stay in my name so she won’t turn around and sell it. If I don’t provide her with a place to live, she will go to live in the bush. I just can’t fathom that. SO, I put an offer on a place because I got tired of down payments for apartments which aren’t cheap to start up. With a home purchase, I will bypass all that ‘money down’ problem and she will have shelter. I intend to pay for nothing else. I have always been told the family is responsible for daughters until they wed. Everyday I am sick with stress. I have know one to talk to anymore because everyone is tired of the issues with my daughter. I don’t blame them. But the fact is, if I can’t get help, it may end up killing me. Please give advise. I need it so bad.
 
CMR63 said:
For a few years now, my daughter has become increasingly difficult to communicate with. She has never been married and she has no children and can’t seem to keep a relationship. I fear she is/has been on drugs and it’s part of the problem with her increased level of volatility. She has never put me in harms way…that is until last week. Since last week’s occurrence, I can not allow her to live in my home nor visit nor call. I fear her and she knows this. She says things that are so hurtful, she has no respect for me in any way. And to be honest, she rarely shows respect to others. The only way she does give respect to others, is if she has just met them and they just don’t know her. I have often wondered if she has a mental health condition. I raised three children, two boys, and last came my daughter. My boys are complete opposite of her. I did not raise my kids wrong, nor bad. I did not neglect them nor treat them poorly. I did teach them right from wrong, but I rarely disciplined them, if at all. My ex-husband and I divorced in 2002 when my daughter was very impressionable. From that point on, everything turned to hate. She hated everything and everyone. I tried to seek help, and she refused to go. I had no father figure for her after the divorce, which seemed to make everything spiral. Here is my thoughts on what to do; I am buying a small home for $60,000, which will stay in my name so she won’t turn around and sell it. If I don’t provide her with a place to live, she will go to live in the bush. I just can’t fathom that. SO, I put an offer on a place because I got tired of down payments for apartments which aren’t cheap to start up. With a home purchase, I will bypass all that ‘money down’ problem and she will have shelter. I intend to pay for nothing else. I have always been told the family is responsible for daughters until they wed. Everyday I am sick with stress. I have know one to talk to anymore because everyone is tired of the issues with my daughter. I don’t blame them. But the fact is, if I can’t get help, it may end up killing me. Please give advise. I need it so bad.
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We have a younger relative who sounds very similar. Her entire 20s were pretty much lost to an abusive relationship and addiction, but she has been doing better in her 30s, much to everybody’s relief. She was very expensively brought up, so the situation caught everybody by surprise.

I suggest looking at the Amazon reviews of “Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children,” ordering it if it looks good to you, and starting to work with a therapist for you.

Best wishes!
 
What are your thoughts on continued care for a daughter ‘until she weds’? This has me concerned on many levels.
 
CMR63 said:
What are your thoughts on continued care for a daughter ‘until she weds’? This has me concerned on many levels.
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Where do you get this idea from? You are not obligated to support your daughter - could it be this attitude that has her acting this way towards you, that she knows she is wrong but she knows you won’t stop supporting her?

I agree with getting a therapist to help you. If your daughter won’t agree, go by yourself because it will benefit you.

As to your daughter, tell her that you are planning to financially support her and see what she says. If she doesn’t want it, make sure she understands it is her job to find herself somewhere to live, and that she has to support herself. If your money comes with conditions, tell her before you pay. Let her make the decision, but once it has been made, stick to it and do not change your mind.

She will always be your daughter, and I understand she has been hurt by the past, but you need to stop enabling the behaviour that leads you to fear her.

Lou
 
CMR63 said:
What are your thoughts on continued care for a daughter ‘until she weds’? This has me concerned on many levels.
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Under normal circumstances, I think a 26-year-old of either sex ought to be self-supporting, but I understand that there are grey areas.

In our family, the parents of the problem young adult have have supported her with an apartment for quite a number of years, as she couldn’t live with them. (I’m sure you understand why.) The gamble seems to have paid off, though–she recently got a PTSD diagnosis and has been pretty functional for a while. But there was a long stretch where it looked like she might have much more serious mental illness.

I would work with a counselor on this. Here are some thoughts:

–Think about roommates. Our relatives have hand-picked the last couple sets of roommates.
–Keep pursuing the psychiatric side. It can take a long time to get solid answers. There aren’t that many really good psychiatrists, unfortunately, especially for complicated cases.
–Even if you are supplying a home for her, there are a lot of other things she probably wants that can be used as carrots to keep her on the straight and narrow. Think about what those things might be.
–Try to figure out ways to reward good behavior, not dysfunction.

Good luck!
 
Whether or not she will go to counselling, ask your grown sons to go with you. Find a therapist who specializes in families of addicts and families affected by divorce. Your daughter may not be an addict, but she is in the position of being able to manipulate you to support her in spite of her choice to harm you. I would think that all of you three will need a solid grounding to understand your family’s entire situation in order to understand her.

You each might hear a great many things you don’t want to hear, but you sound open to uncovering the truth and making hard decisions based on the truth rather than acting on decisions based on ignorance, despair or wishful thinking. Besides, I would bet that there have been many things unsaid between you and your sons concerning not just their sister, but your divorce and their dad. Your sons are the ones who are keeping up a relationship with you. Work on* those* relationships, make it a point to value those who value you, then the three of you can also face what needs to be done or needs to be avoided concerning your daughter. At the very least, you can lay down the communication lines needed to keep her from being able to play any of the three of you against the others.

No, I wouldn’t become the landlord for a dangerous tenant who can’t keep from losing a situation, but especially not one who despises me personally. Absent guidance from a disinterested third party, there is little that is certain about what you propose except that you are providing a near occasion of sin by giving your daughter one more opportunity to violate your trust, with all the consequences postponed until the Final Judgment. Remember that the father of the prodigal son allowed him to go off into a life that lead to longing to have a chance to eat pig feed. Natural consequences let us know we need to repent now, in this life. Without them, we can dig ourselves into holes so deep they may as well be cisterns.

If you are going to be able to help your daughter at all, you need guidance from a professional who has experience in teaching the special skills needed to navigate a difficult situation such as this. I’ll leave it at that, because you are facing a problem that is above our pay grade here.
 
CMR63 said:
What are your thoughts on continued care for a daughter ‘until she weds’? This has me concerned on many levels.
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The question is, what if she never weds?

From your description you mentioned she cannot sustain a long term relationship and her personality seems to ensure that it will stay that way.

I do not see why she cannot support herself. Does she have a handicap that prevents her from taking care of herself?
 
A few months ago, my daughter got a DUI. This has grounded her efforts to have and hold a job. She can’t drive, so I also intended on finding something close to a bus route. If she drives her car and gets caught, she will go to jail. She also had a boyfriend, until recently when she assaulted him and now can’t be near the house she shared with him. Because of all of these issues combined, one of my girlfriends from High school volunteered to take my daughter in, stating, “I can’t say no to her, she needs a place to stay”. I warned her not to do this, but she did it anyways. I have tried to have my daughter Baker Acted, but she played a victim to the police and they did nothing and walked away. They did a horrible injustice that day. I felt so let down to any resolution to the problems with my daughter.
 
CMR63 said:
What are your thoughts on continued care for a daughter ‘until she weds’? This has me concerned on many levels.
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This was the norm in the days when single women trying to support themselves and live on their own were extremely vulnerable. In our days, there is no reason most women who are old enough to marry but have not found a suitable husband cannot support themselves and live in relative safety essentially for life.

Besides, in the old days when parents took care of their daughters until they married, it was the obedient daughters who were allowed to stay in the family home. There has never been a time when parents were expected to support a daughter who was acting as your daughter has been acting. The norm was “live under my roof, live by my rules,” not “if you don’t like our rules, we will rent you an apartment so you don’t have to obey them.” No, no, no, that was* never *the expectation.
 
CMR63 said:
A few months ago, my daughter got a DUI. This has grounded her efforts to have and hold a job. She can’t drive, so I also intended on finding something close to a bus route. If she drives her car and gets caught, she will go to jail. She also had a boyfriend, until recently when she assaulted him and now can’t be near the house she shared with him. Because of all of these issues combined, one of my girlfriends from High school volunteered to take my daughter in, stating, “I can’t say no to her, she needs a place to stay”. I warned her not to do this, but she did it anyways. I have tried to have my daughter Baker Acted, but she played a victim to the police and they did nothing and walked away. They did a horrible injustice that day. I felt so let down to any resolution to the problems with my daughter.
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You said, “I got tired of down payments for apartments.” This wasn’t a one-time mess-up, was it? No. She has a DUI, she has also committed domestic abuse, heaven help her she as finally struck out at you directly in such a severe fashion that you’re cutting off direct contact, plus she has gone through several situations you provided not counting the one your girlfriend provided.

Sometimes, the authorities make mistakes. They aren’t immune to manipulative tactics, because in family situations it is hard for a total stranger to discern who is doing the manipulating. Even if the authorities had held her, though, it would only have been for 72 hours, right? You can’t know how that would have worked out.

The airlines tell you to get your own oxygen mask on before you try to assist someone else. Get yourself some help before you do another thing in the hopes of saving her from herself.
 
EasterJoy said:
You said, “I got tired of down payments for apartments.” This wasn’t a one-time mess-up, was it? No. She has a DUI, she has also committed domestic abuse, heaven help her she as finally struck out at you directly in such a severe fashion that you’re cutting off direct contact, plus she has gone through several situations you provided not counting the one your girlfriend provided.

Sometimes, the authorities make mistakes. They aren’t immune to manipulative tactics, because in family situations it is hard for a total stranger to discern who is doing the manipulating. Even if the authorities had held her, though, it would only have been for 72 hours, right? You can’t know how that would have worked out.

The airlines tell you to get your own oxygen mask on before you try to assist someone else. Get yourself some help before you do another thing in the hopes of saving her from herself.
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Yes.

OP, you do not have to finance your daughter. Sometimes, the best thing is to take a step back and let her deal with her own mistakes. Of course you want to be there for your daughter, of course you want to help her. But until she wants to help herself, there is nothing you can do.

Lou
 
Sarcelle said:
Does she have a handicap that prevents her from taking care of herself?
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She has a handicap which prevents her from depending on her mother for support, which is called utter lack of respect. Supporting a child under those circumstances works towards the child’s ruin, not towards her reclamation. It is sad enough to break any parent’s heart, it is tortuously difficult, but no one has figured out how to defeat that rule of human nature.

This mother needs to remember that if she allows her daughter to continue to use her and mistreat her, she is going to break the hearts of her sons without reclaiming the heart of her daughter.

Again: Get the help of a professional, OP. Cope with this from the support of a well-tended relationship with your sons who have their feet on firm ground but also had to go through that difficult family break-up. Do not go it alone and do not leave your emotional connection to your daughter so wide open to manipulation and misuse. It won’t just be the mother who suffers in that case, but also all three adult children.
 
I agree with the idea of seeking counsel for yourself due to everything you’re going through.

Besides that, there might be some support groups like Alanon, who are for people with relatives with an addiction to alcohol (but the same applies to drugs, I believe). They teach how to set boundaries and not enable. They support from those who have “been there” and “done that”.
 
The key issue is not to allow her to pull you, and your family, down with her.

Above all, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
 
I would call into “The Doctor is in” a weekly radio (callers welcome tuesday through thirsday) show on Ave Maria radio starting at noon central time, hosted by Dr.Ray Guarendi. He gives solid advice from a Catholic perspective.
 
I also agree that counseling is needed. Pehaps you can outline the details of your daughter’s behavior and the counselor can determine if there is a mental health issue your daughter is dealing with-under all the other things, and that addiction and agression is triggered by something else, and not the root.

I would think a pychologst should know the avenues to take to get treatment for her even if she is resistant to it–either for a mental problem or addiction.

The best gift you can give your daughter is the ability to be self sufficient-not by giving her a home-not by giving her money, not over dependence on you and so on…so seek a counselor with this goal in mind. Your home should be a temporary thing.

Think about years from now when you are no longer around–who will care for her, if she continues this way.
 
CMR63 said:
What are your thoughts on continued care for a daughter ‘until she weds’? This has me concerned on many levels.
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That made more sense about 100 years ago, when young women had no job skills and very few opportunities to support themselves until marriage. Things are different now, in the 21st century. Women have more education and less barriers than ever to enter the work force and take care of themselves. Parents are no longer responsible for them after the age of majority. I know you are concerned about your daughter’s future, but you seem to be enabling her behavior and refusal to take responsibility for herself by supporting her and now giving her a place to stay. In the state where I live, the home owner is responsible for what goes on in the home, if they live there or not. If the persons living there decide to engage in illegal activity, the owner is held liable for that and could eventually have the house confiscated by law enforcement and sold at auction.
 
I cannot imagine the pain you’re going through, and you have my prayers.

I also urge you to get counseling and also to really consider if you’d be truly helping your daughter. I would liken it to giving an alcoholic a drink. Let her have some serious consequences to her actions – quit giving her a place to live (either with you or paying deposits or buying her a house). She’s just going to trash it. I’m not discounting some mental issues; but if she has to face the consequences of her choices, maybe it would give her the impetus to get the help she needs so that she can change her life. You can’t want it more than she does. And you also have to face the very real possibility that she CHOOSES not to change her life and therefore has a lifestyle that nobody wants for her.

There are some who just do not want to follow society’s rules and therefore they have to be homeless or live in sub-par conditions. I realize there’s a lot of mental health issues that adds to that, but there is help for that and some people just do not want to do what it takes to get their mental disease under control – and, yes, I realize the mental disease causes some of that.

I would urge you to focus on your two sons. So many times I see the “good” kids get short shifted because the parents are focused on the one that they deem needs the most help. And while that’s admirable, you cannot force someone to accept that help. Give the attention to the ones who deserve it before they give up on getting your attentions.
 
Thanks for your advice. I agree with it. But since I have already committed to purchasing a small house, I have decided to rent it after purchase. That way, it stays owned by me and adds to my financial self worth. In the end, after I pass on, I will let my will do the dispersing of assets. I agree that ‘reward’ in life should be contingent to behaviors. My sons are good boys. Maybe with any luck, my daughter will change over the years. I can only hope. If not, she will be the only person who can determine her future. It’s best for me to stay out of things with her, and let the chips fall as they may.
 
CMR63 said:
Thanks for your advice. I agree with it. But since I have already committed to purchasing a small house, I have decided to rent it after purchase. That way, it stays owned by me and adds to my financial self worth. In the end, after I pass on, I will let my will do the dispersing of assets. I agree that ‘reward’ in life should be contingent to behaviors. My sons are good boys. Maybe with any luck, my daughter will change over the years. I can only hope. If not, she will be the only person who can determine her future. It’s best for me to stay out of things with her, and let the chips fall as they may.
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Absolutely. As someone with relatives who have substance abuse problems (I know, not quite your daughter’s problem–as far as you know–but your story sounds awfully familiar), please let me tell you that you will do no one any good–not yourself, not your daughter, not your sons–by continuing to “support” your daughter. I hope that she gets the help she needs to deal with her various issues. In the mean time, the most loving thing to do is to detach, as painful as that may be.
 
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