26-Year-Old Stepson Who Won't Work

[GerardMajella]

Looks like progress - Good stuff. When the next car insurance payment comes due, you need to take the same approach. Same with tuition, food, clothing, etc. You “just cannot afford to pay for it” anymore. Keep up the good work. Eventually, he’ll get the picture and start packing his bags.

 

[lutherlic]

Lots of good advice already. I think you and your wife should come up with a firm plan. Your stepson should have a job and that should be non-negotiable. In my opinion, you should not be providing more than food and shelter in the very near future - and not even that at some foreseeable and definite point in the future.

 

[texasnan]

Just please make sure that you and your wife are in agreement as you take each step. Otherwise, he may try to play you off against each other.

 

[Sheeniac]

I think a lack of working is truly bad for the soul. I would add another requirement that he start seriously volunteering SOMEWHERE immediately. He could decrease or stop when he gets a job.

But he needs to show some responsibility, and God knows that there are hurting people everywhere. He can learn that he has it incredibly good. Heck - even volunteering at a pet shelter will get him focused on something other than himself.

As success builds on success, he may find the next steps to be easier.

 

[PaulinVA]

Read Dr Leonard Sax’s book, Boys Adrift.

It addresses just such boys/men and how they got to where they are. He’s a pediatrician/psychologist and has interesting ideas about video games, ADHD drugs, Phalates in the environment, and other factors that create situations of boys with absolutely no ambition.

 

[touchdownseli20]

I realized I was heading towards the same problem with my son. I realized this when he was 18 and seemed to have no future. The stress of this almost cost me my marriage. My life was completely transformed when I purchased “Setting boundaries with your adult children” by Allison Bottke. I now have a 20yr. old son who works, lives in his own apartment and pays his own bills. I am not saying he never has to borrow money and life is all roses, but this was the beginning of a healthy relationship for all involved. I will pray for your family. LJ

 

[Rusyn0802]

I realized I was heading towards the same problem with my son. I realized this when he was 18 and seemed to have no future. The stress of this almost cost me my marriage. My life was completely transformed when I purchased “Setting boundaries with your adult children” by Allison Bottke. I now have a 20yr. old son who works, lives in his own apartment and pays his own bills. I am not saying he never has to borrow money and life is all roses, but this was the beginning of a healthy relationship for all involved. I will pray for your family. LJ

Thanks, I am ordering a copy today!

 

[dconklin]

Have the armed services ever been considered? The Gov’t will feed and house him. He will learn to fend for himself. He could even receive nursing training. I had many friends that went that route because they were not ready/mature enough for college. Then their college was paid for.

 

[Rusyn0802]

Have the armed services ever been considered? The Gov’t will feed and house him. He will learn to fend for himself. He could even receive nursing training. I had many friends that went that route because they were not ready/mature enough for college. Then their college was paid for.

Yes, and actually my wife and I are veterans, as are family members from both sides of our family. I think the military option would be great. Unfortunately, he has no interest, and I do not believe he could pass a military physical given his present state of fitness and weight.

 

[beehumble]

Some take longer to find their path, to find their way. As long as he is doing something (college nursing you said) that is a good thing so if it were me I would not worry. And if he sticks with the nursing, he will have a promising career that is safe from outsourcing and always in demand. Perhaps you should pray for him that he sticks with it? And if it were me, I would support him as much as I could while he works towards the nursing degree.

God bless you.

 

[Abba]

Well first he is not an orphan, he lives with his Mother, and step father, what does it matter where the father is? or what he died from if he did die. What do the number of siblings matter? The rest of your questions are just immaterial and of no importance, we are speaking of a 26 yr old MAN here who seems to think he can live his life by freeloading from his Mother and Stepfather, Whatever disrespect is being shown here is by the son to his parents. They pay all his bills paid for his schooling and he is still freeloading. In that regard Rusty is right, why does he not start acting like the 26 yr old MAN he is, and earn respect.

It does matter very much to admit the father is dead. This allows the psychological situation to make sense and allows for the pieces of the puzzle to fall in place. As you will note Rusty finally admitted that the father is dead. It has to do with the macho thing. Some men feel threaten or intimidated by certain situations and individuals and attempt to castrate the situation or individual psychological, emotionally and otherwise in order to deal with their own insecurities. Then, when the person/victim responds to society and others with the debilitating effects of such abusive treatment the ‘macho’ uses the behavior to justify himself. This is facilitated when the father of a male is not around or dead. It is sadistic, callous and cold.

In last Sunday reading we read about the widow. Our Lord Jesus has a thing for orphans and widows. I understand that this is so, exactly because of their vulnerability. I think it is foolish to think that we can rationalize our actions to Jesus. If we believe that we are only fooling ourselves.

Peace,

Abba

 

[puzzleannie]

. He has never held a job - as a matter of fact, he has never worked a day in his life! Dealing with him has caused me to experience stress, bitterness and anger on a daily basis. I realize that this is not healthy for me or our family.

My stepson went off to college, but never graduated. At great expense we had to bring him home because of his failing grades and lies that went on for five wasted years. We had paid his way the entire time. Now he lives at home and attends a community college. He has a plan to get a degree in nursing - but that means three more years of college because he takes a slow path of 12 credits a semester or less and wastes his summer. And, I have to pay for it. I pay for his cell phone, car insurance, gas money, books, tuition, food, clothes - everything.
?

why? why do you even consider paying for a second attempt at education when he blew it the first time? why do you pay his cell phone, car insurance etc? why on earth have you provided him a car at your expense.

there is a problem in the family
the stepson is not necessarily the root of it

I am not asking “why” in the critical sense but as a suggestion that you answer the question yourself, what led you do make each decision you have made along the way everytime an issue arises, another expense comes due, etc. What were the reasons when you made the decision intially? are those reasons still valid? were they perhaps mistaken or have circumstances changed?

you also do not give any info on circs that may be contriibuting to his refusal or inability to work, is there addiction or alcoholism, or a personality disorder or other issue? What is the obligation of his other parent? lots of unsanswered questions but you have to begin by examining your own decisions and actions and re-assessing them.

(full disclosure, we have a 35 year old son who has failed 3 attempts to complete his education, has never held a job more than a few weeks, and has not worked in over 10 years. he has a personality disorder and quite likely will never be self supporting. no we have not always agreed on aspects of how to deal with him and his situation but we come to agreement together, then act on the plan, do not involve him in our personal decision making, and short circuit his manipulative tactics to make it a bone of contention between us).

 

[Rusyn0802]

I purchased and read “Setting boundaries with your adult children” by Allison Bottke. It is most informative. It answered the questions we had and gave us workable solutions. They are not easy to put into practice, but a positive trend is developing.

Overall, prayer and faith are most important. Thanks to all that responded to my post.

 

[silentstar]

I was wondering if he has ever seen a psychiatrist to be evaluated for depression or some other problem. As Annie says, there are various psychological issues that can cause/contribute to this. However if the book is working, that’s great.

 

[lookn4u2return]

Hi,

To shed some light on the situation, From experience as a student I had quite the difficulty finding a summer job in the summer of 09 and 10. I earned 600 dollars total in the summer of 09. These are things that every one should know. It has been very difficult finding work the past two summers. Highly qualified people are taking low paying jobs just to have any job.

Also may colleges are ok telling their students to take 12 credits. Schools have no problem retaining students for as long as possible. On that note I feel from personal experiences that I would be super happy taking less credits so I can actually learn something from the classes that cost 700 dollars each. This is a tough situation.

I hope you figure out what is best to see your son in the best possible direction.
The job market and the school are not going to do this.

Is this person receiving the necessary emotional support to get through this?

You probably already know that after age 24 students are considered independent thus making aid for tuition and living expenses more available.

I went to a community college at the age of 26 and my pell grants covered the cost of 12 credits.

This will work!

Good luck

 

[Charlotte1776]

I was wondering if he has ever seen a psychiatrist to be evaluated for depression or some other problem. As Annie says, there are various psychological issues that can cause/contribute to this.

That’s very true and evaluation would be a good idea. However, you have to be careful not to use it as an excuse. My brother has mild depression, and my mom uses it as an excuse to let him get away with everything from cursing her out to repeatedly punching my pregnant belly when I visit! When I point out how hurtful and even dangerous his behavior is, she always says, “He’s depressed! He can’t help it!” It is beyond frustrating. I think she just has a hard time accepting that the complete and utter lack of discipline (and when I say no discipline, I mean none) she gave us growing up turned him into a spoiled brat who may never leave the house.

 

[defenderoftruth]

This young man has taken advantage of his mother and step-father, has never worked a day in his life, and refuses to grow up. He’s in “perpetual student” mode because it’s easy.

Totally…I know of a now 40 year old man that was a “perpetual student” until he was 37 and now has “a few degrees” but…"can’t find any work. He was living off his aging mother now he’s living off his wife and his church no less. (he’s not Catholic) He stays home all day and plays video games.

Sloth…me thinks so!!

 

[MissRose73]

When I was 26, I was living on my own & working - 2 hours away from my parents’ home. I moved out 6 months after finishing university & having found a full time job.

This 26 year old “man” needs a harsh lesson in reality. Cut off the gravy train completely and NOW which includes his cell phone & any other items like car insurance, gas, etc. There are many fast food places hiring which are better than nothing. Make him earn his room & board with household contributions with chores if he is unable to find a place to live. Either he accepts those conditions, or moves out, and do not BAIL him out no matter what. He must learn to be self sufficient & not rely on handouts from parents/stepparents.

I started working young by doing various chores around my home, and when I was 14/15 years old, I babysat a few times a month for a neighbor on Saturday evenings.

When I was 18, I got my first job at McDonald’s. With my wages, I had to pay for my car insurance, gas, upkeep, and my college expenses. I was allowed to live at home. I worked anywhere from 15 to 40 hours a week in addition to attending college/uni.

My last year of uni, I worked 6 hours a week on work study and about 12-15 hours per week at McDonalds’. My parents paid for that last year so I could earn my 4 year degree, and I had to repay that money once I got full time work. Some of my parents’ friends & family criticized them for doing so, but my parents felt it taught me that I had to earn it in some way.

I have been employed full time with only a month’s interruption due to a job loss (but I got another one during that downtime) for 14 years now. I have lived on my own for the majority of this time as well. I rarely have asked my parents for financial help except when I was unemployed for a short time then not long after, was able to be independent again.

Time for this “man” to grow up, only Peter Pan could stay a kid forever LOL.

 

[lookn4u2return]

Hi,

It is years into this post and sometimes I still think of it.

Here is a book that we all should read to help us figure out exactly what is going on in our world today.

It is called “Cruel Hoax” by PHD Henry Makow

It explains some of the problems we have today and why he have problems like the one here.

It would be great to hear how your kid is doing now!

 

[EasterJoy]

I do have a stepdaughter that is a year older. My wife was much harder on her growing up, while the son could do no wrong. In fact, I thought my stepson would become an engineer or doctor, while my stepdaughter would struggle. He took harder classes, had better grades and SAT scores. But the opposite happened. She developed into a strong and assertive woman, finished college in four years at a major university, is employed, and is happily married to a wonderful man who I am proud to claim as a son-in-law.

This young man had confidence once in his life, and if he had good grades, he probably did some mental work, at any rate. It is possible that Golden Child failed for the first time in his life, handled his failure badly, and that is why he quit trying. He might have put himself into a downward spiral of lowered expectations and wounded pride. He might even be depressed.

That’s no reason to let him wallow in it or continue to expect to little of himself, but it might be a piece of the puzzle, and a place from which you can offer positive encouragement to him.