26 yr old daughter living with 53 yr old

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Last year our 26 year old never married daughter decided it would be appropriate to begin a relationship with a 53 year old man who recently left his wife. They are now living together and might be thinking about getting married. She is a relatively attractive girl and has a decent income. He apparently has a decent empoyment situation so I don’t believe she is being manipulated money wise. I might add that she is not naive, and sadly, has shacked up a time or two before.

My wife and I brought our family up in the church and have been married for over 30 years and have two other grown children. We are absolutely furious, grossed out, embarassed and disgusted with this situation and refuse to have anything to do with her “boyfriend” who is actually older than me. I am her father and love my daughter very much. My heart aches with this disgrace. My blood has been on a rolling boil for months and my tears flow freely. My wife feels the same way. For all concerned, it would be a very bad idea for me to be in the same room with this guy. My daughter knows I am dying inside over this. Rightly or wrongly, my role as her father feels threatened. She can it in my eyes. She thinks her “happiness” is all that really matters and believes that her mom and I will just have to eventually accept this. I am sick to death of the cultural train wreck of selfishness and sin that is destroying the family and this nation in general.

A little prayer and advice would be appreciated.
:banghead::hypno::stretcher::mad: :sad_bye::bighanky:Thank you for allowing me to vent!
 
Having been the daughter in this situation once, I can relate.

After graduating college, I immediately moved in with my then-boyfriend. I thought everything was perfect and we would live happily ever after.

My mother did not raise me to do something like that, and I knew she did not approve but she never said anything to me about it. She kept quiet and she and I maintained a wonderful relationship throughout that time, during my break-up with that man, me subsequently meeting my husband and getting married, now giving her 1 (soon to be 2) grandchildren.

If she had spent that time telling me how terrible it was that I moved in with him I am sure our relationship would have suffered and who knows where we would be today. Maybe I would have felt more pressure to marry that guy just to “prove her wrong”. Who knows. Point is that we kept an open line of communication. I was an adult and she respected me as an adult even if she didn’t approve of my choices.

My other family members loudly voiced their disapproval and I reminded them I had never asked for their approval in the first place. Despite being in a very different place in my life now, our relationships have never been the same. My aunt had even asked my mother during that time how she could let me live this way. My mother told her, “She’s an adult. She’s going to do this anyway. The alternative is for her to do it behind my back and always be lying to me.”

You need to decide if this is worth sacrificing any future relationship with your daughter or not. She is an adult and will make her own decisions regardless of if you agree or not.
 
I can’t imagine how this relationship could ever last. But I can imagine how awful this is for you.
😦
Please don’t despair. She will come to her senses.
 
Michael2799 said:
Last year our 26 year old never married daughter decided it would be appropriate to begin a relationship with a 53 year old man who recently left his wife. They are now living together and might be thinking about getting married. She is a relatively attractive girl and has a decent income. He apparently has a decent empoyment situation so I don’t believe she is being manipulated money wise. I might add that she is not naive, and sadly, has shacked up a time or two before.

My wife and I brought our family up in the church and have been married for over 30 years and have two other grown children. We are absolutely furious, grossed out, embarassed and disgusted with this situation and refuse to have anything to do with her “boyfriend” who is actually older than me. I am her father and love my daughter very much. My heart aches with this disgrace. My blood has been on a rolling boil for months and my tears flow freely. My wife feels the same way. For all concerned, it would be a very bad idea for me to be in the same room with this guy. My daughter knows I am dying inside over this. Rightly or wrongly, my role as her father feels threatened. She can it in my eyes. She thinks her “happiness” is all that really matters and believes that her mom and I will just have to eventually accept this. I am sick to death of the cultural train wreck of selfishness and sin that is destroying the family and this nation in general.

A little prayer and advice would be appreciated.
:banghead::hypno::stretcher::mad: :sad_bye::bighanky:Thank you for allowing me to vent!
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I am sorry about your daughter and her choices. Since she is now 26 and legally an adult, there is not much you can do but pray for her. Maybe you could try to do an hour of adoration on her behalf to give yourself some peace as well. For whatever reason and even though you did raise her that way, she has made these choices. St. Monica was the mother of St. Augustin and she prayed some 30 years before he came back to God. he likewise lived with someone and had a child by her. I would seek her intercession out as well.
 
I think the above poster gave sound advice. I can’t even begin to imagine your heartache over this. My heart breaks just reading about it, let alone being the parent in the situation. No matter how threatened you feel as a father, you alone will always be her dad. This guy, he may be a permanent fixture in her life, but he likely will not be. You are the constant, not him. I know I am unqualified to give any advice in this arena, because my kids are still so very little. But I am reminded of a conversation my mother and I just had recently. There is a situation with my brother that is tearing her up inside. I know she feels like she somehow failed in her parenting, but I know she hasn’t. I asked her, “How do you do it? How do you watch your child doing exactly what you raised him not to do, and not just be a wreck over it? I can’t imagine how I would respond if I were in your shoes.” And she replied with, “Well, I am his mom and I will love him, worry for him and pray for him for always. But I can’t make his decisions, and he has to make his mistakes.” She was crying when she said this. I don’t know how she does it. I don’t know how I’ll do it. I want to keep my girls safe and free from hurt, impurity, the weights of the world, but I know that I can’t do that forever.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I pray for your daughter, for you, for your wife. :imsorry:
 
I agree with previous poster about keeping the lines of communication open. I am and have been in a bad marriage and even though I am very close to my parents and have an open communication with both my parents I still have yet to even give the slightest notion that my marriage is in despair. To protect them I pretend to be blissfully happy. If I do this…and can come to them freely I’m afraid not keeping that open may push your daughter away. She is already going to struggle with being “wrong”. At this point all you have is what your daughter is willing to share. I know it’s hurtful and you worry for her but chances are it won’t last in the mean time be there for her so when she does decide it’s not working out it will be that much easier for her to admit failure rather than trying to prove y’all wrong. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear. I also moved in a with my husband after meeting him once lol needless to say parents were not happy. Your daughter will always be your daughter don’t forget that : )
 
What ever she may do, she is your daughter. She does not need a sermon, she does not need your anger. I am pretty sure she know how you feel and I know how you feel, I have kids and they have all done the same. But I love them, and that is all that matters. Remember, loving her does not mean you say it is OK what she is doing. And if they will marry, your problem is solved. I am 53, and I am not old. And a 26 year old woman is not old either, but old enough to make her own decision. My advice? Life is complicated as it is, and there are some things we should keep separated from religion, and this is, IMHO one. If they love each other and will marry, eventually, well, love her and show it. She still need you and you are her parents no matter what. What she do is wrong, but she is your daughter and it is her life, so if you want her to be happy, as you should in my mind, be there for her, love her.
 
PhiloMed said:
Having been the daughter in this situation once, I can relate.

After graduating college, I immediately moved in with my then-boyfriend. I thought everything was perfect and we would live happily ever after.

My mother did not raise me to do something like that, and I knew she did not approve but she never said anything to me about it. She kept quiet and she and I maintained a wonderful relationship throughout that time, during my break-up with that man, me subsequently meeting my husband and getting married, now giving her 1 (soon to be 2) grandchildren.

If she had spent that time telling me how terrible it was that I moved in with him I am sure our relationship would have suffered and who knows where we would be today. Maybe I would have felt more pressure to marry that guy just to “prove her wrong”. Who knows. Point is that we kept an open line of communication. I was an adult and she respected me as an adult even if she didn’t approve of my choices.

My other family members loudly voiced their disapproval and I reminded them I had never asked for their approval in the first place. Despite being in a very different place in my life now, our relationships have never been the same. My aunt had even asked my mother during that time how she could let me live this way. My mother told her, “She’s an adult. She’s going to do this anyway. The alternative is for her to do it behind my back and always be lying to me.”

You need to decide if this is worth sacrificing any future relationship with your daughter or not. She is an adult and will make her own decisions regardless of if you agree or not.
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I don’t think it is wise to attack the boyfriend. As for the man’s age, for instance–that is not the sin. Had I been in that situation, though, my parent could have said to me, “You know what we taught you growing up, so I won’t even go there. John has a wife and family, though, and he has not settled his life with them. What you are doing now could poison your relationship with that family, and John may live to regret burning that bridge. Since he is older than you are, you won’t have that help if his health fails before yours. You could be blamed for the divorce, too, even by John. This is your life, we will always be there for you no matter how this turns out, but is this really what you want?”

Then be there for her, no matter how it turns out, and never ever say “I told you so.” If you are forced to say anything, say, “None of us have a life with no decisions we’d make differently. You’re still one of us.”
 
I wish you all the luck in the world. Mostly i wish you peace.👍
 
Don’t focus on the age difference. There is no moral difference between living with an older man vs. one of the same age. The fact that this one was/is married is an issue, but that is often forgotten in today’s culture. It is clear that your daughter does not accept your morals. Don’t beat yourself up over your failure to pass on the Faith. Keep in touch with her, tell her you love her, and are praying for her daily.
 
So, the problem is the May-December relationship, his previous marriage, and that they are living together unmarried? These are all solvable problems.

L is a year younger than me, was a friend of mine since Jr High School, and we’ve always been close. She began dating my dad’s older brother. He is more than 20 years her senior. They met and began dating when she was 17, a few months shy of 18. They lived together for about a year or so after she turned 18. The family were shocked, upset, and sad. My future aunt was considered a gold digger (uncle had a great job and owned his own home already) by some and my uncle was considered a cradle robbing perv by some.

Uncle and L got married about 1.5 years into living together, have raised 4 wonderful boys, and are very happy together. They’ve been married over 20 years now.

Sure, not all May-December relationships work out. But some do.

Fix the age problem by disregarding it and get to know the man for your daughters sake.

If you want them to at least consider marriage, talk about it with them. Explain your values. Encourage this man to apply for an annulment and have a real Church wedding if that’s what they are going to do anyways.
 
Fix the age problem by disregarding it and get to know the man for your daughters sake
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.

No way, there are guys with broken noses that can help you.😃
 
MJJean said:
So, the problem is the May-December relationship, his previous marriage, and that they are living together unmarried? These are all solvable problems.

L is a year younger than me, was a friend of mine since Jr High School, and we’ve always been close. She began dating my dad’s older brother. He is more than 20 years her senior. They met and began dating when she was 17, a few months shy of 18. They lived together for about a year or so after she turned 18. The family were shocked, upset, and sad. My future aunt was considered a gold digger (uncle had a great job and owned his own home already) by some and my uncle was considered a cradle robbing perv by some.

Uncle and L got married about 1.5 years into living together, have raised 4 wonderful boys, and are very happy together. They’ve been married over 20 years now.

Sure, not all May-December relationships work out. But some do.

Fix the age problem by disregarding it and get to know the man for your daughters sake.

If you want them to at least consider marriage, talk about it with them. Explain your values. Encourage this man to apply for an annulment and have a real Church wedding if that’s what they are going to do anyways.
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A 17 year old GIRL with a 37+ year old MAN? In most places this is illegal!

No way I would EVER disregard that for my daughter’s sake. I would be calling the police for my daughter’s sake instead.

Now, you don’t have that option for the 26 year old. In that case I guess you would need to voice your objections, followed by the reasons for those objections, and then you would need to let it go. Vow to yourself to never say, “I told you so,” if the relationship ends, and above all love your daughter and keep as close a relationship as possible.

You are in my prayers.
 
7armyrugrats said:
A 17 year old GIRL with a 37+ year old MAN? In most places this is illegal!

No way I would EVER disregard that for my daughter’s sake. I would be calling the police for my daughter’s sake instead.
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Perfectly legal here. 16 is the state age of sexual consent. Also, there is nothing illegal about a minor dating an adult as long as there is no sexual contact. Frankly, once a child is 17 and relatively close to being 18, the local police won’t do a darn thing about them leaving home and/or sleeping with an adult.

The kneejerk reaction most friends and family felt about the age difference was the same as yours. But, apparently, we were wrong. While marriages fell apart and divorces and remarriages (sans benefit of Church annulments) abounded, 17 and 37 have stayed together and made a good life for themselves and their boys. Quite a few of our peers are on 2nd, 3rd, and even 4th marriages while this one couple has managed to keep their one and only marriage together.
 
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I can see how much you love your daughter and how deeply you are suffering over her really awful decisions. Put that suffering to good use and offer it up to Jesus for the sake of your family intentions. Find a Eucharistic adoration chapel and spend some time there on a weekly basis. You will see that God will send you some peace.
Concerning your daughter, I have to wonder why she would want to dishonor her parents to this degree. She brings great shame to herself in doing so. I think it was correct to show your disapproval but perhaps now that you have stated your position it may be time to back off and leave it in God’s hands. I am not saying that you should invite this guy to Thanksgiving dinner but try to stop worrying about it. St. Padre Pio advised us to pray , hope and don’t worry and that is good advice for you. Basically there is not much you can do for your daughter other than to pray for her. She has to make her own way in life even if it is a very immoral, disobedient and foolish way. It doesn’t reflect on you since you tried your best to have her embrace her faith. God gives us all free will and for many it means the freedom to walk away from God and the Christian life. Keep praying for your girl as she truly needs your spiritual help. Be firm in your resolve but also be kind and loving.
 
I have a suggestion.

It is not normal that there are 27 years difference between them. So I feel there are some bad intentions from this married man. He could be even using telepathic sexual attraction or witchery tools to attract her. In the Catholic Church we believe that these things exist but if we understand that that is what is happening and pray, they loose their power.

So here is a prayer that you and your wife could pray:

“Please Lord, if this man is using any kind of mental or magic tools to attract our daughter we beg you Lord to send your angels to destroy any artificial links that this man has set upon her. May the blood of Christ purify our daughter and may she stop her relation with him. May she see him as he truly is: an adulterous man.”

You could ask your daughter if she felt the attraction for this man very suddenly, after she has meet him for some time, but the attraction comes in one moment, it is not gradual, like what people call “love at first sight”. I do not believe this things exist. God’s love is gentle and takes time to mature. Nothing sudden and with sex between comes from God (but it can be corrected). Tell your daughter that she is causing this man to commit adultery, and so is she. Do not blame him, because that only will cause her to shut her ears to you. Blame her and trust in God that she may received conscience of what is happening and the blame on her will cause a shame and desire to stop. All united with your prayers to God.

But please, all the things that I am suggesting, you have to use them with gentleness and love. With a very calm voice and not accusing her but asking her why she is doing this. And tell her that not to worry, but in the moment that she stops this situation and repents, the Lord will forgive her and take her back to Himself.

Since I do not know much details of the situation you have to use your prudence in my advice. Use it if you think is prudent or discard it if it is not. But please, always praying to our good Lord, he will not leave you, neither her.
I will also pray for all of you,
In the love of Christ and the knowledge of His power,
Gloria
 
Here’s a half-serious suggestion. Have the younger and more athletic members of the family invite the happy couple for a variety of vigorous and fun outdoor and indoor activities (a big hike, a night dancing, some ice skating, the big family softball game, etc, ). See if the 53-year-old boyfriend can keep up. Also, he’s going to look and sound a lot older when surrounded by 20-somethings.

This would perhaps require more cooperation than is feasible, but it’s a possibility.
 
The other question to raise is, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” I mean to ask how she would feel if her relationship with “John” goes through a rough spot and some other woman takes him in to live with her. How would she feel about that other woman? Why does she think this could not happen to her? Suggest that if she insists John get his marriage either fixed or ended before they moved in, she’d be on some ground to complain if he pulls the same thing on her. It has been known to happen.

Again: A parent needs to refrain from attacking the boyfriend and keep the conversation on the integrity of their own family member. Since the “child” is an adult, you talk to her a you would a sister or a brother; that is, with all the respect due to a fellow adult in the extended family. There is nothing wrong with “I love you, I will always love you, and I know your life is you life to live, but I couldn’t look myself in the mirror if I didn’t say this at least once: You have no right to a man who is married to someone else. He said vows to her, and she deserves to have other women stay away until it is proven their marriage did not happen, that their try is over. If your dad were doing this to me, I’d want at least one person to have the guts to say that to you. What you do with that is up to you, but someone needed to say it.”
 
In the interest of fairness, we do not now how recently the man’s marriage broke up nor do we know why. For all we know, he had just reasons to leave or his wife threw him out because she “fell out of love”. All this could have happened months and months ago, long before he started a relationship with the OP’s daughter. (I do think the man needs a finalized divorce and to apply for annulment, though)

I don’t want to go in the closet to fetch my tar, feathers, torch and pitch fork without knowing the guy deserves it 😛
 
👍

In all fairness the only thing we do know is that there is a degree of unfinished business that needs to be completed. We don’t know the reason for or the how long it’s been since the separation. We also know that the OP doesn’t agree with his daughters decision to cohabitate without benefit of marriage but there isn’t much that anybody can do about that since she’s an adult. I think in the grand scheme of what has been shared here the age difference is the least of all worries. It is no crime to partner with someone much older or younger as long as they are a adult capable of giving consent. I agree with previous posters that you should pray, go to adoration but do not speak ill of the boyfriend to your daughter. You want to preserve the relationship whether this works out with this guy or not.
 
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