J
john78
Guest
I use to enjoy going to mass with my mom, no longer.
I have gone from son to care taker and therapist, my mother refuses and is probably too old to seek a real psychologist and get much needed relief and help, yet she praises me for going to one.
living with her doesn’t make life any easier, I would pack my bags now and go live under a bridge if i knew it wouldn’t drive my parents crazy and if i knew my mother wouldn’t sink further into what ever problems she is currently living with.
the past month or so we have not been going to mass together, and i didnt notice it until she mentioned it, i figured she just prefered going to the Saturday vigil mass, turns out she claims that i dont pray like i normally do , when i am around her, and turns out she is right.
she acts more and more like my grandmother , before she passed.
in part the issue is my mother is just getting old, doing normal old people things, but the other part is a real mental issue as i stated before.
lastly is the fact I have zero patience to deal with this type of thing, and i am unable to move out of the house i am in, and when the time comes for me to move out, it will be only a matter of months before this house, which use to be a home, will turn into shambles and then me and my siblings will be picking my mother up and placing her into a retirement home as was done to my grandmother.
This house i am in is no longer a home, but a prison.
The only relief i have is the internet ,and now the opprotunity to speak to a psychologist to help me with my anxiety come tomorrow, the only thing i regret is i only have 45 minutes of her time, I could easily use 2 hrs.
I can only hope i can address my issue with anxiety quick enough so i may move back into society, build real friendships and start joining social groups.
I need to be employed but i dont see how i will ever be employed again,
all i can do is put in one application at a time and hope.
if some how , by the end of the year i manage to put myself back together perhaps i can really dive back into a discernment towards the priesthood as i do not want to give up on the possibilty.
finally i see how i can no longer attend mass with my mom, unless it is just unavoidable,
I do not have the patience nor the natural ability to handle her elderly state of being.
simple things turn into major problems in an instant, and it translated at mass today and became heartbreaking for both of us, and i had to draw strength, apologize and calm the situation before mass begun or else we would have never made it through,
i barely made it through mass, infact i was in tears after calming my mother down, and i dont think she noticed, but i had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom and regain my composure.
i had a moment of relief upon recieveing the Eucharist and debated at one point if i was even going to recieve the Eucharist after being in such turmoil before the start of mass and in such heart ache and turmoil during…
but realizing that my mother indeed does pay attention to how i pray is a distraction i can no longer ignore, i get comments on how come you dont sing, or why dont you do this and that… or i get comments on just because she does this n this doesnt mean i should react to it…
and i can no longer take the dialog nor do i want her noticing my frustration over her behavior during mass.
the only option is that I go alone from now on, or don’t go at all.
I would talk to a priest about this but why bother, why bring a priest into this mess and screw up his life…
I can only hope God is listening to me, and sees the pain me and my parents are in, I need to break free from my parents and start living my life, and every time i try i get brought right back and it is nothing but self destruction, constant interrogation of what i have done or where i am going or where i have come from, i would go to mass and adoration more often but refuse to because my mom is right there watching my every move and goes bonkers with joy or trys to hide her emotion of me going,
I am stuck and i keep trying to deal and address my own faults, i try to not complain and i fight with all my might to not blame God, and rebuke myself when I do and force myself to give thanks for the very little i have to be thankful for, even though i probably dont mean it.
I might have to face the facts that i might need to lose just enough weight to get back in the army , just so i can get away from here, be on my own for a few, save up some cash, and put up with the hell that the army willingly gives to those who join, and then escape from the army as fast as possible to pursue real dreams and other possibilities.
this is my bare bones last resort, an ugly option , an unfair option, but perhaps i could make some good out of it …
I hope it doesn’t come to this, and i am trying with everything i have to not resort to it, as i do not want to.
but i do not ignore it as an option.
I am sorry my life is so messed up God, I am sorry I don’t understand what it is you want from me, I am sorry I don’t understand the gifts you have given me, and I am sorry I am not strong enough to help my mother, I am sorry I am so lost God.
I just ask that you don’t let me lose my faith in you, as i feel it weakening, and it scares me, please strengthen what ever faith i do have in you.
I am still trying God, I just need more help from you.
I have gone from son to care taker and therapist, my mother refuses and is probably too old to seek a real psychologist and get much needed relief and help, yet she praises me for going to one.
living with her doesn’t make life any easier, I would pack my bags now and go live under a bridge if i knew it wouldn’t drive my parents crazy and if i knew my mother wouldn’t sink further into what ever problems she is currently living with.
the past month or so we have not been going to mass together, and i didnt notice it until she mentioned it, i figured she just prefered going to the Saturday vigil mass, turns out she claims that i dont pray like i normally do , when i am around her, and turns out she is right.
she acts more and more like my grandmother , before she passed.
in part the issue is my mother is just getting old, doing normal old people things, but the other part is a real mental issue as i stated before.
lastly is the fact I have zero patience to deal with this type of thing, and i am unable to move out of the house i am in, and when the time comes for me to move out, it will be only a matter of months before this house, which use to be a home, will turn into shambles and then me and my siblings will be picking my mother up and placing her into a retirement home as was done to my grandmother.
This house i am in is no longer a home, but a prison.
The only relief i have is the internet ,and now the opprotunity to speak to a psychologist to help me with my anxiety come tomorrow, the only thing i regret is i only have 45 minutes of her time, I could easily use 2 hrs.
I can only hope i can address my issue with anxiety quick enough so i may move back into society, build real friendships and start joining social groups.
I need to be employed but i dont see how i will ever be employed again,
all i can do is put in one application at a time and hope.
if some how , by the end of the year i manage to put myself back together perhaps i can really dive back into a discernment towards the priesthood as i do not want to give up on the possibilty.
finally i see how i can no longer attend mass with my mom, unless it is just unavoidable,
I do not have the patience nor the natural ability to handle her elderly state of being.
simple things turn into major problems in an instant, and it translated at mass today and became heartbreaking for both of us, and i had to draw strength, apologize and calm the situation before mass begun or else we would have never made it through,
i barely made it through mass, infact i was in tears after calming my mother down, and i dont think she noticed, but i had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom and regain my composure.
i had a moment of relief upon recieveing the Eucharist and debated at one point if i was even going to recieve the Eucharist after being in such turmoil before the start of mass and in such heart ache and turmoil during…
but realizing that my mother indeed does pay attention to how i pray is a distraction i can no longer ignore, i get comments on how come you dont sing, or why dont you do this and that… or i get comments on just because she does this n this doesnt mean i should react to it…
and i can no longer take the dialog nor do i want her noticing my frustration over her behavior during mass.
the only option is that I go alone from now on, or don’t go at all.
I would talk to a priest about this but why bother, why bring a priest into this mess and screw up his life…
I can only hope God is listening to me, and sees the pain me and my parents are in, I need to break free from my parents and start living my life, and every time i try i get brought right back and it is nothing but self destruction, constant interrogation of what i have done or where i am going or where i have come from, i would go to mass and adoration more often but refuse to because my mom is right there watching my every move and goes bonkers with joy or trys to hide her emotion of me going,
I am stuck and i keep trying to deal and address my own faults, i try to not complain and i fight with all my might to not blame God, and rebuke myself when I do and force myself to give thanks for the very little i have to be thankful for, even though i probably dont mean it.
I might have to face the facts that i might need to lose just enough weight to get back in the army , just so i can get away from here, be on my own for a few, save up some cash, and put up with the hell that the army willingly gives to those who join, and then escape from the army as fast as possible to pursue real dreams and other possibilities.
this is my bare bones last resort, an ugly option , an unfair option, but perhaps i could make some good out of it …
I hope it doesn’t come to this, and i am trying with everything i have to not resort to it, as i do not want to.
but i do not ignore it as an option.
I am sorry my life is so messed up God, I am sorry I don’t understand what it is you want from me, I am sorry I don’t understand the gifts you have given me, and I am sorry I am not strong enough to help my mother, I am sorry I am so lost God.
I just ask that you don’t let me lose my faith in you, as i feel it weakening, and it scares me, please strengthen what ever faith i do have in you.
I am still trying God, I just need more help from you.
