30 years old, perpetually single

  • Thread starter Thread starter Jerimiah
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

Jerimiah

Guest
Hi Folks,

I’m sure this topic has been beat to death a million times, but like others I’ve got no traction or direction in my personal life. I just turned 30 today, never had a girlfriend, no hope in sight. I have a brother and two sisters, they are all married, own houses, and have children. I understand it’s not a race or anything, but being alone my entire life really sucks and frankly get togethers are just awkward. So which kids are yours? I love being an uncle, and I have 7 nieces/nephews, but want my own family.

Just to set the stage on what kind of person I am-- pretty straight laced, responsible, financially secure (no debt), graduate level education, good job, family oriented, strong Catholic faith, not a party animal and never made any stupid (major) mistakes in my life, and don’t hang out at bars. I’m reasonably fit, tall, intelligent, and dress well.

I am not socially retarded and had lots of friends through out my life. I’m not sure shy is the right word to use when it comes to being interested in women. There are really multiple problems, in this day and age men are not gentlemen and women have no idea what that even means. This is a real obstacle for me, since apparently I’m not the norm. My father says all men are dogs, of course I’m completely offended by that statement. I have limited/no experience, which doesn’t bother me so much as prospective partners. Finding good places to meet the type of people that would make a good partner. Supermarkets, libraries, parks, bars, are stupid places to meet people. Randomly asking strangers on dates is ridiculous. For those who would recommend a Church, unfortunately people my age are also rebellious, liberal, atheists and so there aren’t people my age attending mass. Also, I live in the Washington DC metro area (again see prior sentence).

As far as compatibility, everyone insists I’m just too picky, which is entirely untrue. The only hard requirements are caucasian, christian, not a liberal.

For years I’ve never felt in any sort of rush, but I’m older and it just weighs heavier. I understand sitting in my apartment or fishing in the same ponds will get me no where. I’ve been on about half a dozen dates, in my career, and of course never managed to get passed a first date. There is no debrief, so whatever impressions I leave, I don’t learn anything. I’ve also tried online, for a few years. It’s just a waste of time, hundreds of e-mails, long/short/personalized, virtually no responses. Personally I think exchanging messages or going out for a coffee is pretty harmless.

I should also mention, that I’ve been moving around my whole life which doesn’t help. I’m out of college for some time and recently relocated, so I don’t have any close friends that live anywhere near me.

Anyway, I probably sound like a complete negative nancy, but I’m just wondering what God’s plan is for me. Any advice would be appreciated.
 
“The only hard requirements are caucasian, christian, not a liberal.”

It’s too bad that Caucasian is one of your non-negotiables, because you could definitely enlarge your dating pool (especially in WA DC) by dropping that requirement. I don’t think having that requirement means that you are a bad person (you might just like blue-eyed women or redheads or something like that), but it is limiting.

Do you ever go to events at the Catholic Information Center? There are lots of suitable professional women who go to events there. There are also a number of Catholic colleges in the DC area and while the undergraduates are too young for you, there are also graduate students, junior faculty and staff. There are some really wonderful young Catholics in DC, if you know where to look. You might want to contact DC area Catholic bloggers and see if you can get any pointers. While it’s true that DC is very liberal, it’s also true that there are many young professionals in town.

“I’ve been on about half a dozen dates, in my career, and of course never managed to get passed a first date. There is no debrief, so whatever impressions I leave, I don’t learn anything.”

Do you have any female friends who would be willing to do a fake date with you (or maybe observe you while you’re out with a date) and then give you a report? I think that could actually be really helpful. One possibility that comes to mind is that you may come off as too serious, too intense, too desperate and/or too rigid. Obviously, you do have a lot to offer, but you need to make a good impression and get past that first date.
 
You know, I know exactly how you feel, your life is just zooming right by, and you’re all alone. On my 30th birthday, I celebrated with my older sister, who got married at 20, and my 9 year old nephew and 2 year old niece. I swore, I’d never be married and just be alone. Then, when I was 34, I got a new job, and there was this nice guy in the office next to me, we’d joke and laugh, finally he asked me out on a date, and within a year, we were engaged.

We’re now happily married, with 2 awesome boys, don’t give up yet! You may think you’re “getting up there” but you’re still young!

Also, is your mate being Caucasian really that important? 🤷
 
Hi,

I think if you believe you are called to marriage, maybe it could help to join a group of young adults where other young people who are faithful Catholics might go. For example, I attend a church with the Latin Mass and we have a great community of young adults, and often hang out together. Maybe you could find a good community 🙂 I believe that often it’s best to start at friendship. I also think it’s good to pray for God to bring the right person along, but of course we should actively discern too, but also trust Him.

I also know people who met (and/or married) through websites like Ave Maria Singles, - but I don’t have any experience of them personally.

Also just some thoughts - I’m not saying you do this, I don’t know, but I think it’s a good idea to not look at people as potential “relationships” when you first meet them, but to simply look at them as people first, and become friends before anything else. Sometimes if you just meet someone and they’re already thinking of dating, it could kind of scare a girl away. It could make her feel uncomfortable, especially because she might not know you as a person. Try to just ‘be’ with people and not always think about whether you can date a particular girl, or if she’d be a good match, etc.

God bless!
 
Yep, I hear ya. I’m in my 30’s, I never dated a Catholic man, was married twice out of the church to non-Catholics. I never was asked out by a Catholic man, so I gave up 🙂

They are hard to date, hard to find… In my experience

From a more general view, I think there are less Catholics my age. I’m not sure where everyone went. Good luck tho-- don’t give up, God is faithful!!
 
Jerimiah said:
For those who would recommend a Church, unfortunately people my age are also rebellious, liberal, atheists and so there aren’t people my age attending mass. Also, I live in the Washington DC metro area (again see prior sentence).
Click to expand...
The Washington, DC area has one of the largest clusters of 25-40-year-old Catholics in the entire country. The city is nestled between two fantastic dioceses with strong young adult and lay ministries.

On the other hand, you’ve already convinced yourself that everyone is a “rebellious, liberal, atheist”… so why bother trying, right?

I would at least advise you to wait until you make some friends in the area, because the desperation will show if you’re not comfortable where you are yet.
 
After reading your post I couldn’t help but think that I may have very well asked that same question 20+ years ago. We are two peas in a pod, just 20+ years apart. Having had a career on Capitol Hill opened my eyes to the devastating amount of liberal/ socialist influences and corruption that abounds in the DC area. For all those years I had to mostly hide my Catholic faith just to survive professionally. Finding a mate seemed impossible. I dealt with it through a devotion to the Blessed Sacrament. I would recommend praying the Rosary before the Eucharistic Presence for your vocation. St. Michaels in Annandale has a Perpetual Adoration Chapel as well as St. Agnes in Arlington. Don’t forget the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception at 4th and Michigan in DC. I dearly
hope and pray you find a good catholic woman. There are so many in the Diocese of Arlington.
 
seriously check out some of the Catholic young adult groups in your area. That’s where I met my husband! Get to know some of the leaders, and ask them to introduce you to the ladies. Trust me, there are a bunch of women out there, who are seriously Catholic Christians, but can’t find a decent believer to court.

You are a rare treasure. Your future wife is praying for you right now, and wondering if there really is a faithful man out there some where… You need to start praying, every day, for the spouse that God is preparing for you! Once you find her, you will realize she was worth the wait. 👍
 
I am 35 and still single as well. It used to get me down, but I realized that there are callings that suite me better than marriage. In today’s relationships, sex is so important that if you are not having it, you do not have a relationship at all. It is just the sign of the times. Forget liberal or atheist. Caucasian???

One thing that may count against you in terms of having a relationship is that if you did, there would be a codependency indicated by that fact that you are so bummed now that you never really had one. No one wants to deal with that, even though that is how most end up. With you, it is just evident right off the bat because you do not lie about who you are. Most put on a theatrical performance before marriage, and when the show is over a short time after the wedding day, the relationship (marriage) is over shortly after that, unless they stay together in misery.

I can only speak for myself, but I don’t think I’m missing much in today’s relationships. If God wants me to get married, I will simply wait to stumble upon it. Until then, I am a whole person, satisfied with how God made me, and Jesus is Lord.
 
Considering what you think of rebellious, liberal atheists, I figured I’d weigh in. 😃
Jerimiah said:
Just to set the stage on what kind of person I am-- pretty straight laced, responsible, financially secure (no debt), graduate level education, good job, family oriented, strong Catholic faith, not a party animal and never made any stupid (major) mistakes in my life, and don’t hang out at bars. I’m reasonably fit, tall, intelligent, and dress well.
Click to expand...
No offense, but you sound boring. Actually, you sound like you’re applying for a loan.

You don’t party, make mistakes or hang out in bars. Great, don’t do those things! What do you actually like to do? How do you have fun? What makes you happy? Someone who really likes you and wants to be with you, is not going to care how much money you make or how tall or fit you are or how well you dress (to an extent of course). People want to date someone they can share experiences and enjoy being with.
Jerimiah said:
I am not socially retarded…
Click to expand...
You’re 30 years old, don’t say things are “retarded”.
Jerimiah said:
There are really multiple problems, in this day and age men are not gentlemen and women have no idea what that even means. This is a real obstacle for me, since apparently I’m not the norm. My father says all men are dogs, of course I’m completely offended by that statement…
Click to expand...
What is a “gentleman” in your mind? I’m going to assume that you think you are the only gentleman left. I’m imagining coattails, top hat, and a monocle…twirling a cane, perhaps. I’m also imagining that most gentlemen don’t spend their time griping about how women today wouldn’t know a real gentleman if they saw one. You’re using that as an excuse to justify why no one wants to date you. It’s not the reason, trust me.
Jerimiah said:
I have limited/no experience, which doesn’t bother me so much as prospective partners. Finding good places to meet the type of people that would make a good partner. Supermarkets, libraries, parks, bars, are stupid places to meet people. Randomly asking strangers on dates is ridiculous. For those who would recommend a Church, unfortunately people my age are also rebellious, liberal, atheists and so there aren’t people my age attending mass. Also, I live in the Washington DC metro area (again see prior sentence).
Click to expand...
Listen to the language that you use! Everything is “stupid” and “ridiculous” and “rebellious” and “retarded”. I bet you’d never think of using a “cuss” word in your conversations, but your language is far more poisonous than any F bomb that could ever be dropped. And stop looking down your nose at everyone, nobody wants to be around someone who does that. (…and don’t say you don’t do that elsewhere - if you’re writing here, you’re doing it in real life) I can almost see your body language in this post. Negativity is like a giant billboard that says don’t come near me.
Jerimiah said:
As far as compatibility, everyone insists I’m just too picky, which is entirely untrue. The only hard requirements are caucasian, christian, not a liberal.
Click to expand...
(sigh…) Phew…ok. There’s no such thing as a “Caucasian” person. Racial categories are cultural inventions. There are no biological “races”. I assume, by Caucasian, you mean light toned skin. I guess you don’t consider yourself picky because you haven’t specified a particular skin surface albedo range. (e.g. Below .4 it’s a deal breaker) C’mon now…
Jerimiah said:
Anyway, I probably sound like a complete negative nancy, but I’m just wondering what God’s plan is for me. Any advice would be appreciated.
Click to expand...
I’m sorry this reply was so harsh, but I’m trying to be honest.

Despite having blasted you here, I think, deep down, you’re a nice person. But if you’re ever gonna have an adult relationship with someone, you’re gonna need something to shock you out of your current state of mind.

Please reread what you wrote. Imagine a prospective date reading it. What would they think of you. If this was written by someone else would you want to date that person?

Before you even consider a relationship you have to figure out what it is that makes you happy and do that. Lose the negativity, lose the holier than thou attitude, and people are naturally going to gravitate to you. I guarantee it.

I sincerely wish you the best.

Sparky
 
OP, take Sparky’s advice and then take a good hard look at yourself. you’ve managed to describe yourself mostly in terms of failure, how you want to appear to others, in dislike of yourself and by gratuitously insulting others. there’s no sense of joie de vivre in your description of yourself. many of us, by your age, have made a lot of mistakes, gotten back up, made a few more, have friends who are richer, poorer, liberal, not caucasian, who sometimes hang out in bars and meet women there, or in parks, or by just randomly asking someone out.

you say you want a family, but honestly, having a family comes across as another item on the checklist – grad school, debtless, good dresser, advid Catholic, etc.

you might pick up a copy of Wild at Heart Revised & Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul.
 
I think some of you are taking this post the wrong way…

He is not saying that liberals are bad people. If he thought that they were, there is no way he would have moved to one of the most liberal areas in the country. I think he just feels alone. His close friends are far away and the people he meets do not share his values. It probably makes him feel even more lonely than he already does for being single. Not everyone in D.C. is the way he described, but the people he met are or at least seem to be. It’s an observation, not an insult. D.C. is known for being a liberal area and he is not interested in marrying a liberal. The correction I’d make here is “rebellious”… even though their attitudes could be seen in that light, they do not see themselves that way… they view themselves simply as being themselves making their own mark on the world, rather than rebelling against tradition.

Yes, I think sharing his likes and dislikes would be important, as far as what he likes to do. But the most important things, the deal breakers, are listed. Most women out of school want to date men who are stable and ready for marriage and a family. Hobbies are going to be lower on the priorities list for a Christian woman than faith (kids raised Christian) and stability (a place to live, food on the table, hardworking spouse). Being Christian (deal breaker) is more important than whether or not they watch Sunday football (if one spouse doesn’t watch sports they can do something else while the sports-loving spouse watches football).

He said he is not socially retarded. It’s not name-calling. Retarded is a word in the English language. I think people are offended too easily. And yes, one of my aunts is mentally retarded, so this isn’t coming from someone who doesn’t actually know anyone with a cognitive disability. Political correctness has made it so that legitimate uses of words are no longer acceptable.
retarded - slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress
Occurring or developing later than desired or expected; delayed

Saying some places are a stupid place to meet people isn’t calling anyone stupid. Very rarely do people meet their spouse in a bar. I think I’ve heard of one friend of a friend who married someone they met in a bar. Supermarkets, libraries, parks, are places people go to run errands or to go jogging or take their kids to play… you can meet someone there but not always likely.

I think you’re reading too much into the “gentleman” thing. I think he meant that he has more traditional values (chivalry = gentleman) than other men. Most women have not dated a chivalrous man before and many of them (more liberal ones) probably wouldn’t want to. For example, opening a door would offend a feminist. No sex outside of marriage is a deal breaker for most liberal women, but a gentleman wants to get to know her first; if he knows her well enough to sleep with her then he knows her well enough to know if he wants to marry her or not. He will also get to know her family and friends before marriage, and seek their approval.

Regarding ethnic groups, I know some guys who simply aren’t attracted to black girls. I know other guys who like Asian women better than all others. Everyone has people they’re attracted to and people they’re not, even if the categories are not quite so broad. No, racial categories aren’t talking about non-humans, they are simply ways to describe people. Different groups have different general features and it’s easier to say the name of the group (e.g. Asian) than to list all the features. Perhaps he’s never met a non-Caucasian that he’s been attracted to. Maybe that will change.

Everyone’s made mistakes. But breaking the law, getting someone pregnant, STDs, drug use, and huge piles of debt can be deal breakers, especially if they’re recent and/or nothing has been done to turn things around. I think that is why he said that, not to insult people who had made a mistake (Christians are called to forgive) but to show that he’s in a good place.

I don’t see a holier than thou attitude, either. People have friends from all walks of life, but a spouse is something different. I think this is difficult for an atheist to understand because the majority of young people are non-church goers. Even those who claim to be Christian or believe in God, their faith is not important to them so a marriage with an atheist/agnostic would be fine. For someone who is so much like so many people (big dating pool) it can be difficult to understand someone who both holds different values and wants a spouse who shares those values (small dating pool).
I would suggest getting involved in the community. Volunteering, especially at Catholic-run charities where you are more likely to find like-minded women. Look for a parish with an active young adult ministry. This might mean you need to look around some more and not necessarily attend the parish closest to you. Some dioceses also have event calendars where people can get involved in the Catholic community. Look for women who like to do what you like to do, or try new activities to meet new people. There are faithful Catholic women out there somewhere, you just need to find them. 👍

Also, embrace your time as a single man. If you are called to marriage, God is using this time to prepare you for your future spouse and/or allow you more time to focus on serving the Lord and community. Because after you’re married you are going to be really busy with first a wife and then a family.
1 Corinthians 7
32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided.
Click to expand...
 
The aim of life is to love God. Marriage is just one of the ways to love God.
 
Jerimiah said:
As far as compatibility, everyone insists I’m just too picky, which is entirely untrue. The only hard requirements are caucasian, christian, not a liberal.
Click to expand...
Just curious why RACE is the first thing you mentioned? Does it really matter if she is Caucasian if she is conservative and a faithful Catholic? You are probably missing out on a great girl because of this requirement and it’s unfortunate. Good luck.
 
stephe1987 said:
Regarding ethnic groups, I know some guys who simply aren’t attracted to black girls. I know other guys who like Asian women better than all others. Everyone has people they’re attracted to and people they’re not, even if the categories are not quite so broad. No, racial categories aren’t talking about non-humans, they are simply ways to describe people. Different groups have different general features and it’s easier to say the name of the group (e.g. Asian) than to list all the features. Perhaps he’s never met a non-Caucasian that he’s been attracted to. Maybe that will change.
Click to expand...
Interesting that OP says he prefers a caucasian woman and you jump to “some people aren’t attracted to black girls.” :rolleyes: There are other non-white ethnicities–just wondering why you singled out black girls?

It’s unfortunante that dating a black woman is still considered more taboo than dating an Asian or Indian or Hispanic woman, even in the body of Christ. Prejudice has no place in the Church and I suspect a lot of people will remain single because they can’t open up their eyes to what’s in front of them but not in a “lighter” or more socially acceptable package.
 
Stop working for 12 months. Do some missionary work? travel? Join a team sport? Love yourself in a total non posessions kind of way.
 
"Hi everybody, I’m a 30-year-old nice Catholic guy and basically I’m here to complain that I deserve to be married because, well, I’m not a sinny sinny sinner like everyone else around me. I mean sure, I’ve made some mistakes, but nothing major and I know that everyone around me is a rebellious left-winger and those kinds of people don’t deserve happiness. I do, because I’m a good Catholic white guy. Emphasis on white by the way.

Why hasn’t God just handed me a mate on a silver platter? I mean look, going to bars and other social events or asking out random people is stupid. Meeting people in general is stupid where I live because, again, they’re all left-wing atheists or nominal Catholics at best.

I’ve been on a few dates but of course I bring the attitude that I’ve shown here on those dates and never get past the first one. What gives everybody? What gives?"

Did I pretty much get it right?
 
The_Bucket said:
"Hi everybody, I’m a 30-year-old nice Catholic guy and basically I’m here to complain that I deserve to be married because, well, I’m not a sinny sinny sinner like everyone else around me. I mean sure, I’ve made some mistakes, but nothing major and I know that everyone around me is a rebellious left-winger and those kinds of people don’t deserve happiness. I do, because I’m a good Catholic white guy. Emphasis on white by the way.

Why hasn’t God just handed me a mate on a silver platter? I mean look, going to bars and other social events or asking out random people is stupid. Meeting people in general is stupid where I live because, again, they’re all left-wing atheists or nominal Catholics at best.

I’ve been on a few dates but of course I bring the attitude that I’ve shown here on those dates and never get past the first one. What gives everybody? What gives?"

Did I pretty much get it right?
Click to expand...
Okay this was kinda funny but c’mon, be nice.

Soooo OP, what stands out for me is that you say you haven’t been anywhere long enough to make friends. I think once you do stick around in one place for awhile, you will see some changes. Quite honestly, no one that I know that is married just up and met someone, went on a date, and then continued from there. They knew each other for a bit of time as friends, coworkers, etc. and began dating awhile after “seeing each other around” for a time. Does that make sense? Hang in there. And maybe get to know someone a little before dating. Hang in there.
 
I have a ton of sympathy for people who have genuine social problems, anxiety disorders, are on the autism spectrum, etc. and that’s why they find themselves alone. They have real uphill challenges that they never brought on themselves.

In this case, and in many other cases like it, the OP just goes on and on about how great he is, how everyone else around him is an idiot or evil or whatnot and yet still finds time to complain about the fact he’s by himself. It’s nonsense. Utter garbage. You can’t sit there and say “Why am I alone?!” and at the same time say something like this
Supermarkets, libraries, parks, bars, are stupid places to meet people. Randomly asking strangers on dates is ridiculous. For those who would recommend a Church, unfortunately people my age are also rebellious, liberal, atheists and so there aren’t people my age attending mass. Also, I live in the Washington DC metro area (again see prior sentence).
Click to expand...
See? Everything is stupid, except for him of course. And the whole requirement that his mate be white strikes me as just a bit racist. I mean, I’m white and so is my wife. But so what? If she were black, brown, red, gray, or purple she’d still be the one for me.

This also sticks out:
There are really multiple problems, in this day and age men are not gentlemen and women have no idea what that even means. This is a real obstacle for me, since apparently I’m not the norm.
Click to expand...
Basically, “I’m too nice for people. I’m too much of a gentlemen for these idiot women; why can’t they appreciate a nice guy instead of going for jerks?” It’s a) untrue and b) insane. Having this mentality is pretty much prima facie evidence that the OP is not an actual gentleman, he just plays one on TV. Or the Internet. Or even in real life. Underneath the actions of a gentleman is a sense that he is entitled to a woman because he plays the right part.

Plenty of good advice has been given. Go to the CIC. They are fantastic people there. Go speak with a priest or somebody over there. They give great advice; I’ve availed myself of the CIC in the past on relationship issues, and I don’t even live in or around DC. Go meet some people at church and stop with the mindset that everyone around you sucks or is a left-winger or is otherwise “rebellious” and unworthy of your time and consideration. That kind of mentality makes you unready for relationships and will leave you quite desolate for the rest of your life.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top