30 years old, perpetually single

[Xantippe]

“Quite honestly, no one that I know that is married just up and met someone, went on a date, and then continued from there.”

My future husband and I did. After two years of not dating while living abroad, I went to a young adult reading group at a Newman Center my first month in a new town. There he was–this really smart guy who said really smart stuff during the discussion. We were married within the year, have been married 15 years and have 3 kids.

It does happen.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

"Hi everybody, I’m a 30-year-old nice Catholic guy and basically I’m here to complain that I deserve to be married because, well, I’m not a sinny sinny sinner like everyone else around me. I mean sure, I’ve made some mistakes, but nothing major and I know that everyone around me is a rebellious left-winger and those kinds of people don’t deserve happiness. I do, because I’m a good Catholic white guy. Emphasis on white by the way.

Why hasn’t God just handed me a mate on a silver platter? I mean look, going to bars and other social events or asking out random people is stupid. Meeting people in general is stupid where I live because, again, they’re all left-wing atheists or nominal Catholics at best.

I’ve been on a few dates but of course I bring the attitude that I’ve shown here on those dates and never get past the first one. What gives everybody? What gives?"

Did I pretty much get it right?

Yep you pretty much nailed it. Good old Catholic (and perhaps white?) male entitlement.

In this case, and in many other cases like it, the OP just goes on and on about how great he is, how everyone else around him is an idiot or evil or whatnot and yet still finds time to complain about the fact he’s by himself. It’s nonsense. Utter garbage. You can’t sit there and say “Why am I alone?!” and at the same time say something like this

See? Everything is stupid, except for him of course. And the whole requirement that his mate be white strikes me as just a bit racist. I mean, I’m white and so is my wife. But so what? If she were black, brown, red, gray, or purple she’d still be the one for me.

This also sticks out:

Basically, “I’m too nice for people. I’m too much of a gentlemen for these idiot women; why can’t they appreciate a nice guy instead of going for jerks?” It’s a) untrue and b) insane. Having this mentality is pretty much prima facie evidence that the OP is not an actual gentleman, he just plays one on TV. Or the Internet. Or even in real life. Underneath the actions of a gentleman is a sense that he is entitled to a woman because he plays the right part.

I had actually glazed over the rest of the original post. Yes, it is quite ridiculous. When men complain that they can’t find someone when despite living in a metropolitan area with a sizeable and active young Catholic population, then you have to wonder what’s the real issue. As you pointed out, it may have something to do with the fact that OP thinks he’s “too good” to meet someone in such “common” places as he listed or maybe the women there are too ethnic. This reminds me of the typical guys on Avemariasingles. They are so great but still single at 35, 40 and beyond. They are too “traditional” for even the most traditional women available to them. It’s called “unrealistic expectations given what they have to offer.”

 

[The_Bucket]

“Quite honestly, no one that I know that is married just up and met someone, went on a date, and then continued from there.”

My future husband and I did. After two years of not dating while living abroad, I went to a young adult reading group at a Newman Center my first month in a new town. There he was–this really smart guy who said really smart stuff during the discussion. We were married within the year, have been married 15 years and have 3 kids.

It does happen.

Excellent story, especially since it centers around exactly the kind of thing others have suggested! Get into a young adult’s group at a local parish and leave the preconceived notions behind.

In my case, I did know my wife for awhile before we dated, but we were not good friends or anything. We mostly just saw each other at the high school/college youth group. I think we all went out together to a couple of places outside of youth group all of 2-3 times from the time we were 17 until we were 21. Then one day when I was bored I saw it was her birthday coming up, offered to buy her a drink and talk about old times. That conversation led to an actual date and we didn’t look back.

Coming up on six years of marriage and we’ve got three little ones ourselves!

 

[maryjk]

Excellent story, especially since it centers around exactly the kind of thing others have suggested! Get into a young adult’s group at a local parish and leave the preconceived notions behind.

In my case, I did know my wife for awhile before we dated, but we were not good friends or anything. We mostly just saw each other at the high school/college youth group. I think we all went out together to a couple of places outside of youth group all of 2-3 times from the time we were 17 until we were 21. Then one day when I was bored I saw it was her birthday coming up, offered to buy her a drink and talk about old times. That conversation led to an actual date and we didn’t look back.

Coming up on six years of marriage and we’ve got three little ones ourselves!

Count me as another one that went on a date, and it grew from there.

We only have one child, but have been married over 20 years.

OP, you sound very negative. That is very off putting. VERY.

Maybe that is why you have a hard time meeting someone.

(And no, most times, after a date there isn’t a debrief. You just have to learn from your mistakes.)

 

[The_Bucket]

It’s called “unrealistic expectations given what they have to offer.”

I think it’s more than that. I think that some folks really believe that all they have to do is buy flowers, open doors, be polite and BOOM. Marriage. I mean, that’s not how it works at all. You have to be interesting. You have to be creative. You have to be compatible. You’ve got to put yourself out there and be willing to take a chance or two or three or ten.

I’m a lucky one. I only dated a couple of girls before I got serious with my wife. I had that same kind of mentality when I was in the first couple years of college. Figured I would just be a “nice guy” and eventually a girl would walk into my life.

Junior year I realized that such a mindset was totally nuts. So I busted my backside to get into good physical shape, said a 54-day novena to figure out my vocation, got more social and it ended up working out. I really did have a limited selection at my college but here’s the thing… I never actually asked out any of those young ladies who might have made a good mate until my junior year. And you know what? I swung and missed. Pretty badly actually. Didn’t even get first dates! But it felt good to take a few swings and we even stayed decent acquaintances after I took my shot. And then out of honestly nothing more than boredom I decided I was gonna put myself out there again over the summer between junior and senior year. Sometimes you get lucky and with my wife I swung and connected!

 

[PaleoConCatlick]

Here is my two cents on OP:

1. His age is a problem because most girls who identify as strict devout Catholics are married and pregnant by 22, the vast majority of the time. That leaves the lukewarm Catholic girls who will marry more laid back Protestants, as we see from stories on the forum.
2. OP, how “fit” are you? We need to make sure you are not lying to yourself. I don’t believe you are ugly, but you are probably plain looking. Women like edge, muscles, masculinity and stylish clothes.
3. Washington, DC is NOT a good area for dating, especially if you are a conservative Catholic like OP. There are huge influxes of male Buddhist, Muslim, and Hindu immigrants that cause there to be far more men than women in the area. DC people are obsessed with their security clearances, and although its liberal, they are not the laid back weed smoking liberals of the West Coast. Incredibly high strung, and usually miserable. Because of the impersonal nature of the area, women are NOT open to meeting strangers.

OP, it sounds like you have your career stuff together and money. Use money to buy a personal trainer. Then just invest in Catholic singles group if you have the time and the money. Due to the numbers game this is, I advise you to be the best catch there. Don’t be a sinner, but don’t be a passive sheepish nice guy either.

 

[Fairwinds]

I think it’s more than that. I think that some folks really believe that all they have to do is buy flowers, open doors, be polite and BOOM. Marriage. I mean, that’s not how it works at all. You have to be interesting. You have to be creative. You have to be compatible. You’ve got to put yourself out there and be willing to take a chance or two or three or ten.

I’m a lucky one. I only dated a couple of girls before I got serious with my wife. I had that same kind of mentality when I was in the first couple years of college. Figured I would just be a “nice guy” and eventually a girl would walk into my life.

Junior year I realized that such a mindset was totally nuts. So I busted my backside to get into good physical shape, said a 54-day novena to figure out my vocation, got more social and it ended up working out. I really did have a limited selection at my college but here’s the thing… I never actually asked out any of those young ladies who might have made a good mate] until my junior year. And you know what? I swung and missed. Pretty badly actually. Didn’t even get first dates! But it felt good to take a few swings and we even stayed decent acquaintances after I took my shot. And then out of honestly nothing more than boredom I decided I was gonna put myself out there again over the summer between junior and senior year. Sometimes you get lucky and with my wife I swung and connected!

(emphasis added)

OP, pay attention to what’s in bold.

The Bucket: the key is figuring out that single women are surrounded by “nice guys”, and that the “nice guy” who is nothing more than a “nice guy” will lose out to the nice guy who plays the guitar or the nice guy who’s working on a life plan.

 

[Fairwinds]

Here is my two cents on OP:

1. His age is a problem because most girls who identify as strict devout Catholics are married and pregnant by 22, the vast majority of the time. That leaves the lukewarm Catholic girls who will marry more laid back Protestants, as we see from stories on the forum…

that’s myopic, wrong and insulting, and I expect you’re going to catch grief from devout Catholics were weren’t married and pregnant by 22.

right now, behind me, there’s someone laughing at you.

 

[PaleoConCatlick]

I think it’s more than that. I think that some folks really believe that all they have to do is buy flowers, open doors, be polite and BOOM. Marriage. I mean, that’s not how it works at all. You have to be interesting. You have to be creative. You have to be compatible. You’ve got to put yourself out there and be willing to take a chance or two or three or ten.

I’m a lucky one. I only dated a couple of girls before I got serious with my wife. I had that same kind of mentality when I was in the first couple years of college. Figured I would just be a “nice guy” and eventually a girl would walk into my life.

The nice guy thing is always a mistake. Obviously be nice, but a lot of guys act passive and weak and think they are being a nice guy.

Even with these nice Catholic girls, attractiveness and masculinity is still a top priority. You need to be seen as a strong protector.

 

[ahollars]

I live in NOVA, and I am a Catholic white man married to a Catholic black woman.

OP, get over yourself. You are single because no faithful Catholic woman looks at you and sees a faithful Catholic husband. Your wife is not going to be white, because God likes to laugh at us now and then. Have fun figuring it all out.

 

[PumpkinCookie]

So many bitter, angry responses to the OP! Why? I won’t speculate…

My advice is to stop caring. One day I decided that I didn’t need or want a relationship, I was doing just fine living and learning by myself. I had been on a few dates, but I was bored with most of the women. Unfortunately I think it can be hard to find good people of either gender to marry as you have observed.

I really truly and completely gave up**. I stopped trying to impress women. I stopped praying for God to send me a spouse. I stopped caring about women at all and just focused on God, my career, my own interests, my friends, and my family.

As soon as that happened, it seemed like all of a sudden so many women were interested in me. I think it was because I obviously wasn’t interested in them, I wasn’t trying to “get” anything from them, I wasn’t trying to “impress” them, I had interesting things to talk about because I no longer cared what they thought, and I had no “agenda.”

I met my wife during this time, and thank God because I have never** been even slightly impressed by another woman. Remember, it only takes one. You don’t have to get along with or be compatible with any other woman other than your own wife, to heck with what other people think.

Don’t try to appease anyone else, don’t try to “appeal” to anyone. Don’t bend or twist your personality to suit the likes of the imaginary woman you may want to marry. Forget what the negative replies to you in this thread are saying.

Really and truly BE YOURSELF and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[HouseArrest]

I have a ton of sympathy for people who have genuine social problems, anxiety disorders, are on the autism spectrum, etc. and that’s why they find themselves alone. They have real uphill challenges that they never brought on themselves.

In this case, and in many other cases like it, the OP just goes on and on about how great he is, how everyone else around him is an idiot or evil or whatnot and yet still finds time to complain about the fact he’s by himself. It’s nonsense. Utter garbage. You can’t sit there and say “Why am I alone?!” and at the same time say something like this

See? Everything is stupid, except for him of course. And the whole requirement that his mate be white strikes me as just a bit racist. I mean, I’m white and so is my wife. But so what? If she were black, brown, red, gray, or purple she’d still be the one for me.

This also sticks out:

Basically, “I’m too nice for people. I’m too much of a gentlemen for these idiot women; why can’t they appreciate a nice guy instead of going for jerks?” It’s a) untrue and b) insane. Having this mentality is pretty much prima facie evidence that the OP is not an actual gentleman, he just plays one on TV. Or the Internet. Or even in real life. Underneath the actions of a gentleman is a sense that he is entitled to a woman because he plays the right part.

Plenty of good advice has been given. Go to the CIC. They are fantastic people there. Go speak with a priest or somebody over there. They give great advice; I’ve availed myself of the CIC in the past on relationship issues, and I don’t even live in or around DC. Go meet some people at church and stop with the mindset that everyone around you sucks or is a left-winger or is otherwise “rebellious” and unworthy of your time and consideration. That kind of mentality makes you unready for relationships and will leave you quite desolate for the rest of your life.

I don’t know, Bucket, maybe he just wrote in a moment of frustration.

I didn’t realize you’d only been married 6 years. You’ve got a lifetime worth of fabulous advice on here. Remarkable.

Xan and Mary, great stories. I am sure it does happen, but I think for people who are gun shy, hanging around someone at first might be the way to go. Of course it seems like for the two of you, love bit you in the butt.

Chin up, OP, hang in there.

 

[Kelfa28]

Two words…online dating.

It’s how I met my husband.

 

[The_Bucket]

I don’t know, Bucket, maybe he just wrote in a moment of frustration.

Quite possible. I don’t retract my statements though. Even if it was just a moment of frustration, I’m gonna react by mocking, slapping him in the face and saying “get your stuff together man!” That doesn’t mean I’m not ultimately trying to help though.

I didn’t realize you’d only been married 6 years. You’ve got a lifetime worth of fabulous advice on here. Remarkable.

You can grow, shrink, screw up, fall, recover and experience quite a bit in six years. Especially the screw up and recover part. I’ve got a lot of experience there.

 

[shainski]

Hey Jerimiah

I’m a bit surprised at the direction of this thread.

However, I will tell you that it all happened to me so quickly - and long after I turned 30.

Here’s my story.

After college, I relocated to another city.
I had little money. I had a profession that required a great amount of continuing education - so i was always studying.

Well, because I didn’t have a lot of friends in my new city - and i didn’t have a lot of money - I threw myself into work. I became pretty successful. After a couple of years, I did relocate - got a job that required a lot of time - still had to study a lot - and then when i was in my mid-late 20s, I went with a partner and started a company.

I had a lot of nieces and nephews who i adored.

But I didn’t have a lot of time or energy for dating.

I worked a lot - and when I did take a vacation - I often used days here and there becoming the best uncle I could be. I took the kids to all kinds of adventures - museums, aquariums, restaurants in nearby cities. Special New years eve - all kids’ parties. things like that. (By that time, I wasn’t a big “partier” either - and New years eve parties that centered around alcohol lost any appeal that they might have had for me). So I gave my siblings a night out - and the kids had a great time with their uncle.

I would have traded all my new found success to have that wife and family that I always wanted - but it didn’t seem in the cards.

At some point in my late 30s, I decided that I kind of liked the single life. I pretty much figured that it was my calling. I did often mention in my prayers that it would be nice if God did kind of let me know what was in store - and prod me in the right direction.

It wasn’t that i didn’t date - But it was exhausting. I didn’t have all the time for it - and after a while - the whole first date thing became kind of mundane. I did have lots of friends. I kept myself occupied - probably too much so.

And then i hit my 40s. When i had all but given up hope for any kind of long term romance - I went to an house-warming party for a woman at church who moved into a new apartment. I met a woman in the kitchen. And we started talking about her past - and a book that I had been reading for book club. - and it was as if everyone else had disappeared - and we talked to each other in a crowd of people - but no one else was there. Before I knew it the night was over.

I left that night only knowing her first name and she had mentioned where she worked. I didn’t want to ask anyone of the group at church who she was - because I figured it would fizzle out like all other “dates” I had been on - and I didn’t want the gossip. So I did some online research - found an email at her place of employment that belonged to a woman with her first name - and requested that we get together to talk some more (if she was indeed the person that i had met that night).

Almost exactly two years later - we were married. Now we have four children - and will be celebrating our tenth anniversary this year.

it was as if - once I had become totally comfortable with who i was - all the rules changed. (Could it happen to you? there is a number of things in your OP that aren’t unlike my own situation)

 

[shainski]

Hey Jerimiah

I’m a bit surprised at the direction of this thread.

However, I will tell you that it all happened to me so quickly - and long after I turned 30.

Here’s my story.

After college, I relocated to another city.
I had little money. I had a profession that required a great amount of continuing education - so i was always studying.

Well, because I didn’t have a lot of friends in my new city - and i didn’t have a lot of money - I threw myself into work. I became pretty successful. After a couple of years, I did relocate - got a job that required a lot of time - still had to study a lot - and then when i was in my mid-late 20s, I went with a partner and started a company.

I had a lot of nieces and nephews who i adored.

But I didn’t have a lot of time or energy for dating.

I worked a lot - and when I did take a vacation - I often used days here and there becoming the best uncle I could be. I took the kids to all kinds of adventures - museums, aquariums, restaurants in nearby cities. Special New years eve - all kids’ parties. things like that. (By that time, I wasn’t a big “partier” either - and New years eve parties that centered around alcohol lost any appeal that they might have had for me). So I gave my siblings a night out - and the kids had a great time with their uncle.

I would have traded all my new found success to have that wife and family that I always wanted - but it didn’t seem in the cards.

At some point in my late 30s, I decided that I kind of liked the single life. I pretty much figured that it was my calling. I did often mention in my prayers that it would be nice if God did kind of let me know what was in store - and prod me in the right direction.

It wasn’t that i didn’t date - But it was exhausting. I didn’t have all the time for it - and after a while - the whole first date thing became kind of mundane. I did have lots of friends. I kept myself occupied - probably too much so.

And then i hit my 40s. When i had all but given up hope for any kind of long term romance - I went to an house-warming party for a woman at church who moved into a new apartment. I met a woman in the kitchen. And we started talking about her past - and a book that I had been reading for book club. - and it was as if everyone else had disappeared - and we talked to each other in a crowd of people - but no one else was there. Before I knew it the night was over.

I left that night only knowing her first name and she had mentioned where she worked. I didn’t want to ask anyone of the group at church who she was - because I figured it would fizzle out like all other “dates” I had been on - and I didn’t want the gossip. So I did some online research - found an email at her place of employment that belonged to a woman with her first name - and requested that we get together to talk some more (if she was indeed the person that i had met that night).

Almost exactly two years later - we were married. Now we have four children - and will be celebrating our tenth anniversary this year.

it was as if - once I had become totally comfortable with who i was - all the rules changed. (Could it happen to you? there is a number of things in your OP that aren’t unlike my own situation)

 

[HouseArrest]

Quite possible. I don’t retract my statements though. Even if it was just a moment of frustration, I’m gonna react by mocking, slapping him in the face and saying “get your stuff together man!” That doesn’t mean I’m not ultimately trying to help though.

Ha Ha yes, maybe that is just what will get him moving.

You can grow, shrink, screw up, fall, recover and experience quite a bit in six years. Especially the screw up and recover part. I’ve got a lot of experience there.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Here is my two cents on OP:

1. His age is a problem because most girls who identify as strict devout Catholics are married and pregnant by 22, the vast majority of the time. That leaves the lukewarm Catholic girls who will marry more laid back Protestants, as we see from stories on the forum.

uch: Oy. This is so not true.

 

[Cat]

I’m a 56-year-old mother of two grown daughters. My 27-year old is married to the man that she started dating when she was 14. My 30-year-old is beautiful, Catholic, incredibly intelligent, hard-working, gainfully-employed–and unmarried. She has dated quite a few men, but has never found the “right” man.

I think that there are thousands of young Catholic women just like my older daughter, and so I’m a little surprised that the OP hasn’t been snapped up by one of these lovely ladies.

One of the things that I noticed about his post is that he never mentions having a sense of humor, or describes the kind of comedy that he enjoys (slapstick/3 Stooges, standup/Leno, Fallon, etc.; political/Stephen Colbert, old-fashioned/Red Skelton, silent/Laurel and Hardy, teeny-bopper/Saturday Night Live, witty/Jeeves stories, sophisticated/? (I don’t know much about sophisticated humor!), British/Fawlty Towers, old TV comedies; Barney Miller, etc. etc.).

His entire post strikes me as extremely serious–he doesn’t even crack one little pun, or try to make fun of himself just a little.

OP, please pay attention to this, because it’s important: **In every poll in every woman’s magazine or online site–always, ALWAYS, “sense of humor” is in the Top Five Things That Women Look For In A Man!
**

So if a man is missing a sense of humor, he is short one of five things that a woman wants, and that hurts his chances.

So perhaps the OP needs to make sure his funny bone is intact.

The second thing that I notice about this post is how miserable this man is. I realize that he is writing out of a sense of frustration, and this colors the post (just like he may have a great sense of humor, but just can’t laugh right now because he’s lonely).

But a woman will not be interested in a man who says that “being alone my entire life really sucks.”

Having a negative outlook on life is such an immense turn-off. A few months ago, we watched young men who lost legs and arms during the Boston Marathon bombing, and these young men appeared on television and made statements like, “Life is great! I’m so glad to be here, and I know that I will still a great life even though everyone now calls me Stumpy! Hey, now I don’t have to worry about tripping over my crocs!” (Just an example of a sense of humor, OP.)

Or we see young men who come back from Iraq and Afghanistan with physical and emotional injuries, but they are still optimistic about their lives and their futures, and many of them are looking for opportunities to help other people.

So I would suggest that the OP sit down and count his blessings, and stop majoring on the things that are wrong with his life.

Finally, I agree with others who say that the OP needs to stop labeling so many things “stupid.”

My younger daughter met her husband at a MOVIE. She and another young teenaged girl went to a movie (a decent, family movie), and they noticed two hot-looking teenaged boys down in the front. The other girl said, “Hey, let’s go flirt with those boys.” So my daughter, who was (and still is) a major babe, said, “Sure!” And they did. And the one boy (the good one!) was so stricken with my daughter that he called and asked her out, and we allowed it after meeting him, and as long as they stayed in a group of teenagers. That was 13 years ago, and they’re still together. They’re married, going on five years, and still very happy.

So OP, ease up. You might want to try some of those “stupid” things! Women love a romantic type who does impulsive romantic things–like walking up to them in a restaurant and delivering a single rose, or calling and quoting romantic poetry instead of just saying “goodbye.” (Of course, there are women like me who love men, like my husband, who can install a toilet or fix a broken computer or change the oil in a car!)

I would suggest that the OP read the book, The Five Love Languages, to get to know himself better, and to learn about the many different types of women out there.

Good luck to the OP–perhaps you’ll meet up with my unmarried daughter one day and sparks will fly and violins will play, and I’ll learn first-hand what kind of humor you like!

 

[Elizium23]

From a more general view, I think there are less Catholics my age. I’m not sure where everyone went.

They were aborted out of existence.