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Demetra2
Guest
Ouch! This response is quite snarky and rude. Hmmm… I think you can do better.
- Status
I would be the last one to suggest that finding the right mate can be difficult. The hard truth is that not everyone who is looking for a mate will find one.
But there are certainly things that make men more attractive to women.
In my opinion women are drawn to men who have a purpose and passion in life. That is probably why women like to see a sense of humor in men because something has to temper that drive and passion. Yes, women want men who will be sensitive to their needs and will be caring compassionate fathers. But if that is ALL they see in a man they are likely to view him as weak.
OP, my advice is to stop looking for a while and start concentrating on serving/improving something you care about. This could be sports, politics, art, music, the economy, the environment, the poor people in Brazil, your local parish… Work hard, play hard, and pray hard. Men need to create legacies for themselves. (Not every man’s legacy will be children. )
You might meet someone in the process. If you don’t you will still be making the world a better place.
But there are certainly things that make men more attractive to women.
In my opinion women are drawn to men who have a purpose and passion in life. That is probably why women like to see a sense of humor in men because something has to temper that drive and passion. Yes, women want men who will be sensitive to their needs and will be caring compassionate fathers. But if that is ALL they see in a man they are likely to view him as weak.
OP, my advice is to stop looking for a while and start concentrating on serving/improving something you care about. This could be sports, politics, art, music, the economy, the environment, the poor people in Brazil, your local parish… Work hard, play hard, and pray hard. Men need to create legacies for themselves. (Not every man’s legacy will be children. )
You might meet someone in the process. If you don’t you will still be making the world a better place.
LaughingBoy1503
Well-known member
Everyone all of a sudden turns into a Marine Drill instructor 
Sorry, if anyone here really is a Marine drill instructor.
Someone who does not find women of ALL races good enough to marry… I cant say anything nice so I wont say anything at all. But try online dating dude. It sounds right up your alley to me.
Sorry, if anyone here really is a Marine drill instructor.
Someone who does not find women of ALL races good enough to marry… I cant say anything nice so I wont say anything at all. But try online dating dude. It sounds right up your alley to me.
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jmcrae
Guest
My husband was in much the same shoes when he was your age. We met when he was 32, and married when he was 35. We have been happily married for more than 25 years, now.
There is hope. You are still relatively young - and you will be a nice catch for a young woman who is looking for someone a little more stable, a little more mature, and not divorced, and not someone else’s “baby daddy” from a juvenile fling.
But she still has to finish high school before she can meet you and start dating you, just like I did with my husband.
I
iwillrisenow
Guest
I think the deeper issue here is this notion that certain people deserve to be married. That it is something bestowed upon the worthy. If you’ve dotted every Catholic “i” and crossed every “responsible adult” “t” the keys to the kingdom of a fruitful matrimonial life should be yours, right? Think about how we respond to these types of queries. If someone is single (and not for lack of trying), the first thing we do is list off all of the qualities that point to why they “shouldn’t” be: “he’s so intelligent and witty” or “she’s attractive and cooks so well”. Then we try to trouble-shoot the single person. You need to join this website. You need to read that book. You need to say these novenas. You need to go to those events. You need to have more to offer (not spiritually related: personality, looks, fitness, style, etc.). In short, you’re simply not good enough (yet…or you possibly never will be), which is why you’re not married.
I just want to bring up a few points for us to keep in mind for this and similar discussions:
I just want to bring up a few points for us to keep in mind for this and similar discussions:
- Only God knows why some of us seem to fall into marriage while others struggle with the cross of long-term singleness. And only He can truly “trouble-shoot” us. That goes for you married folks too-- you’re not off the hook!
- No one is “worthy” of marriage.** Ever.** Not even your ruddy cheeked niece who married at 19 and now home-schools her twelve children while running the family farm or your great-grandfather, who built a thriving business to support his family while also providing for those in need. No one is more worthy. No one is less worthy. No one. Marriage is a blessing from God and a mystery that He calls us into, in His timing. I’m not saying don’t take care of yourself, make an effort, or do things that will make you a better spouse if and when that day comes. It’s more about the correlation between doing these things and success, which I think many people (especially those who are coupled up) tend to overestimate. We’re human beings—we’re not omniscient. We may think that the “surrender prayer” moment, attitude change, new look, or not caring was the magic bullet, but might God’s view of the story reveal something different?
- On the “requirements” issue. All I really have to say is, what do you think all of these categories, such as ethnicities and political labels such as “liberal” mean to God? And how far are you willing to go to follow His will for your life? That potential husband or wife that meets all your checklist requirements may lead to something faaaar more uncomfortable than one who doesn’t on the surface but is God’s choice. I’m not saying forego all standards—it’s a matter of determining what’s truly important for a choice that you make primarily in service to God in this life. It’s something to take to prayer.
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Estevao
Guest
I’d recommend checking out some protestant churches. They provide much better opportunities to meet friends and women than the Catholic church does. Or if it’s all possible, I’d recommend learning a foreign language and moving away from the English speaking world. The people there won’t think that a man like you is boring but will rather think that you’re well-accomplished.
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57thDimension
Guest
I find it interesting that the primary complaint made in some of the responses is that the OP is being negative about others (or just generally seeing the worst in them) but that a good number of the responses are determining the absolute worst interpretation of the OP’s comments (and character) and running with it (basically, chastising the OP for one thing, then doing the same towards the OP). “The Bucket”'s rude response, I believe, typifies such sentiment.
I also find it interesting that people derive so much meaning from what isn’t said. I’m sure someone could think of many other things that he didn’t mention and find something negative about it (e.g. he didn’t say anything about prayer, so that means he doesn’t pray, right?).
With regards to race/ethnicity: I find it a bit strange, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. I mean, all dating sites* have people enter their ethnicity, and allow others to search on it. The fact that people are objecting to his placing it first in his requirements are just being way too sensitive.
*(ignoring race/ethnicity-specific sites)
I also find it interesting that people derive so much meaning from what isn’t said. I’m sure someone could think of many other things that he didn’t mention and find something negative about it (e.g. he didn’t say anything about prayer, so that means he doesn’t pray, right?).
With regards to race/ethnicity: I find it a bit strange, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. I mean, all dating sites* have people enter their ethnicity, and allow others to search on it. The fact that people are objecting to his placing it first in his requirements are just being way too sensitive.
*(ignoring race/ethnicity-specific sites)
B
boomerang
Guest
So true. I am amazed at the number of commenters that express horror at the thought of a *white man *actually preferring white women! EEEGADS! What’s the world coming too?
Lighten up, people. He came looking for help, and all he gets are insults. Welcome to a “Christian” forum, OP. No wonder atheists laugh at us.
G
GraceUnderFire
Guest
Best post in this thread.
5
57thDimension
Guest
It’s as though people haven’t heard of assortative mating.So true. I am amazed at the number of commenters that express horror at the thought of a *white man *actually preferring white women! EEEGADS! What’s the world coming too?
I find it particularly interesting when people say things usually left unspoken (“I’d like to marry someone with a good career to support a family” - and the all-too-common response “Oh, you’re just looking for someone wealthy to take care of you”). I also find the mentioning of checklists to be ill-advised (I personally believe that checklists are mentioned only when someone disapproves of some or all of the qualities a person is looking for). If someone says “I have no standards at all” (or something analogous) they receive little or any criticism. It’s as though people value providence over prudence.
+Sebastian
X
Xantippe
Guest
“So true. I am amazed at the number of commenters that express horror at the thought of a white man actually preferring white women!”
He can prefer all he likes, but then I don’t want to hear him complaining about how there’s nobody out there for him. If he prefers dying alone to a nice Filipina woman, then dying alone is what he deserves.
He can prefer all he likes, but then I don’t want to hear him complaining about how there’s nobody out there for him. If he prefers dying alone to a nice Filipina woman, then dying alone is what he deserves.
X
Xantippe
Guest
I think we may be being trolled, by the way. A possible tip-off is the OP’s use of the term “rebellious” to describe DC women. DC women are generally bright, ambitious, driven and super liberal, but “rebellious” is just about the last description that comes to mind. It is a very conformist environment. We are not talking Berkeley. (I lived in DC and the MD suburbs for a total of 6 years, albeit as a young married and a new mom, rather than as a professional or a single.)
Even if it is trolling, I think it is worth discussing, as I think the problem itself is quite real, even if the OP’s letter isn’t.
Even if it is trolling, I think it is worth discussing, as I think the problem itself is quite real, even if the OP’s letter isn’t.
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maryjk
Guest
Generally a give away is to see that the OP has returned, but hasn’t posted.
Or of course when the OP doubles down.
5
57thDimension
Guest
What a nice comment, “dying alone is what he deserves.”
Perhaps “rebellious” is meant in terms of conservatism or religion? As in, rebelling against the faith or Church?
Why is that a giveaway?
+Sebastian
M
maryjk
Guest
Experience.
5
57thDimension
Guest
You would have to of had some reasoning to come to that conclusion in the first place, though.
So, an alternative interpretation: he’s checking PMs.
+Sebastian
X
Xantippe
Guest
"What a nice comment, “dying alone is what he deserves.” "
…if he prefers that to marrying a nice Filipina, Nigerian or Chinese Catholic woman.
“Perhaps “rebellious” is meant in terms of conservatism or religion? As in, rebelling against the faith or Church?”
Maybe, but to anybody who has lived in DC, it’s a very odd turn of phrase. DC is one of the most buttoned-up cities in the US.
Also, bear in mind that DC is home both to innumerable Catholic entities and various conservative think tanks and other organizations. Eligible Catholic conservative women are a small percentage of the DC population, but in terms of sheer numbers, it’s an extremely favorable environment (especially compared to the small towns a lot of Catholic Answers singles are writing in from). You just need to know where to go.
…if he prefers that to marrying a nice Filipina, Nigerian or Chinese Catholic woman.
“Perhaps “rebellious” is meant in terms of conservatism or religion? As in, rebelling against the faith or Church?”
Maybe, but to anybody who has lived in DC, it’s a very odd turn of phrase. DC is one of the most buttoned-up cities in the US.
Also, bear in mind that DC is home both to innumerable Catholic entities and various conservative think tanks and other organizations. Eligible Catholic conservative women are a small percentage of the DC population, but in terms of sheer numbers, it’s an extremely favorable environment (especially compared to the small towns a lot of Catholic Answers singles are writing in from). You just need to know where to go.
J
jmcrae
Guest
I think the only appropriate response to that is, “Yes. I plan to fulfill my God-given vocation as wife and mother to my “quiver-full” of 12 children, which won’t leave much time for a full-time career - so I need to marry a well-educated man with good career prospects in order to avoid going on welfare and costing the taxpayer for my lifestyle choice. Is this your problem?”
I think you’re right.
J
Jerimiah
Guest
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all the responses, I didn’t expect this many.
I am a bit surprised at some of the hostility on here. If you think I’m just complaining, whining, entitled, or whatever please don’t waste your time in this thread reading/responding. Last time I checked, when someone asks for help or advice, you don’t spit venom in their face and kick them when they are down.
I haven’t said anything offensive, if my OP comes off as negative, if you actually read it closely I actually admitted that at the end. How else do you emote unhappiness and frustration? Please read Stephe1987’s reply, she hit the nail on every thing I said. Also, thank you to PumpkinCookie, 57th, and Boomerang.
I’d like to address whoever called me a racist because I’m really only interested in Caucasians. Someone said they are a White man married to a Black Catholic women. That’s great, good for you! But I’m not you, and it’s called individuality and personal preference. Also, much of the conversation people have assumed that I am White, and I have never stated my ethnicity. For all you know, I’m Chinese or Black, and I just really like White women. BTW, I’m surprised no one has hacked me up about dating Muslim or Atheists? Is it because we’re on Catholic forum?
On the topic of liberals/religion, it was a bold statement that I made. Most if not all of my friends are liberal and/or Atheist. But that is not why I’m friends with them. On a personal level I don’t identify with those view points, and know plenty of people who marry their opposite politically/religiously. And it’s just my personal observation, but it’s more complicated and just plain harder. My brother is the perfect example, his wife is Catholic and he is anti-organized religion. His boys don’t learn about God, don’t attend mass, aren’t baptized. Their only experiences in Church are when people have died. If people plan to have children, then they ought to be at least on the same plane. Don’t you think?
I have nothing against people who like to party, their affinity to alcohol, or that they like hang out at bars. It’s just not something I like to do on a social basis, and it’s a terrible place to meet women in my opinion. My father’s wife works at a college and interacts with a lot of young women and keeps in touch with former students who are now older and moved on in life. She tells me a lot about them all the time. I always hear how they just want to meet a nice fellow, who has their head on their shoulders, has a job, has their own transportation, doesn’t live in their parents basement, and doesn’t have a police record. I get introduced to them all the time, and they seem nice but date dopey boys who don’t respect them, and cheat, and are immature. So I’m looking at myself in the mirror, I’m not perfect by any means, but I’ve got a few things going for me and think I’m a decent person. So I’m just trying to figure what it is that I’m missing here, personality/character, something else?
A few people have suggested online dating, which I have tried over the last 3 years or so. Apparently lists are evil, if you have think I have a long one, then read a few women’s online profiles. I’m being very specific in my OP. I realize people are multidimensional, and there are many things that make a persons character and personality. In my profile, I don’t list anything or put up any expectations, I just put up some pictures with my family and doing things I enjoy. I don’t specify religion, ethnicity, or political persuasion. It’s a lot of effort for little output. Everyone’s profile is just a copy of someone else, all boiler plate. Let’s see, I like wearing sweatpants all day long, eating chocolate, watching garbage reality TV, and playing with my bulldog-poodle-mastiff. I’ve tried every kind of message, short/long/personal, and get no where.
My point about lack of experience and expectation, my sister told me about a friend of hers from Catholic HS. She dates men around my age, that she meets online. They are all nice guys, but aren’t experienced and haven’t had a half a dozen girlfriends, and never engaged in physical intimacy (which as it turns out is her main goal). Of course these men all get rejected. I’m not 22, when it’s still acceptable to be a complete newbie. So you see there is some fear there. Of course its just a thing to get over.
Anyway, I’m on my way to 5:00 mass.
-J
Thanks for all the responses, I didn’t expect this many.
I am a bit surprised at some of the hostility on here. If you think I’m just complaining, whining, entitled, or whatever please don’t waste your time in this thread reading/responding. Last time I checked, when someone asks for help or advice, you don’t spit venom in their face and kick them when they are down.
I haven’t said anything offensive, if my OP comes off as negative, if you actually read it closely I actually admitted that at the end. How else do you emote unhappiness and frustration? Please read Stephe1987’s reply, she hit the nail on every thing I said. Also, thank you to PumpkinCookie, 57th, and Boomerang.
I’d like to address whoever called me a racist because I’m really only interested in Caucasians. Someone said they are a White man married to a Black Catholic women. That’s great, good for you! But I’m not you, and it’s called individuality and personal preference. Also, much of the conversation people have assumed that I am White, and I have never stated my ethnicity. For all you know, I’m Chinese or Black, and I just really like White women. BTW, I’m surprised no one has hacked me up about dating Muslim or Atheists? Is it because we’re on Catholic forum?
On the topic of liberals/religion, it was a bold statement that I made. Most if not all of my friends are liberal and/or Atheist. But that is not why I’m friends with them. On a personal level I don’t identify with those view points, and know plenty of people who marry their opposite politically/religiously. And it’s just my personal observation, but it’s more complicated and just plain harder. My brother is the perfect example, his wife is Catholic and he is anti-organized religion. His boys don’t learn about God, don’t attend mass, aren’t baptized. Their only experiences in Church are when people have died. If people plan to have children, then they ought to be at least on the same plane. Don’t you think?
I have nothing against people who like to party, their affinity to alcohol, or that they like hang out at bars. It’s just not something I like to do on a social basis, and it’s a terrible place to meet women in my opinion. My father’s wife works at a college and interacts with a lot of young women and keeps in touch with former students who are now older and moved on in life. She tells me a lot about them all the time. I always hear how they just want to meet a nice fellow, who has their head on their shoulders, has a job, has their own transportation, doesn’t live in their parents basement, and doesn’t have a police record. I get introduced to them all the time, and they seem nice but date dopey boys who don’t respect them, and cheat, and are immature. So I’m looking at myself in the mirror, I’m not perfect by any means, but I’ve got a few things going for me and think I’m a decent person. So I’m just trying to figure what it is that I’m missing here, personality/character, something else?
A few people have suggested online dating, which I have tried over the last 3 years or so. Apparently lists are evil, if you have think I have a long one, then read a few women’s online profiles. I’m being very specific in my OP. I realize people are multidimensional, and there are many things that make a persons character and personality. In my profile, I don’t list anything or put up any expectations, I just put up some pictures with my family and doing things I enjoy. I don’t specify religion, ethnicity, or political persuasion. It’s a lot of effort for little output. Everyone’s profile is just a copy of someone else, all boiler plate. Let’s see, I like wearing sweatpants all day long, eating chocolate, watching garbage reality TV, and playing with my bulldog-poodle-mastiff. I’ve tried every kind of message, short/long/personal, and get no where.
My point about lack of experience and expectation, my sister told me about a friend of hers from Catholic HS. She dates men around my age, that she meets online. They are all nice guys, but aren’t experienced and haven’t had a half a dozen girlfriends, and never engaged in physical intimacy (which as it turns out is her main goal). Of course these men all get rejected. I’m not 22, when it’s still acceptable to be a complete newbie. So you see there is some fear there. Of course its just a thing to get over.
Anyway, I’m on my way to 5:00 mass.
-J
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Xantippe
Guest
“Most if not all of my friends are liberal and/or Atheist.”
Making more Catholic friends (of either sex) and going to Catholic events (public talks at places like the Catholic Information Center, Catholic University of America or Georgetown) would be a good place to start. I know some people really love St. Matthew’s downtown and Theology on Tap (uh-oh–bars!) is always a favorite. I’m sure other people can suggest VA or MD stuff.
What do your friends think you may be doing wrong? Are any of them female? That could be particularly helpful.
Making more Catholic friends (of either sex) and going to Catholic events (public talks at places like the Catholic Information Center, Catholic University of America or Georgetown) would be a good place to start. I know some people really love St. Matthew’s downtown and Theology on Tap (uh-oh–bars!) is always a favorite. I’m sure other people can suggest VA or MD stuff.
What do your friends think you may be doing wrong? Are any of them female? That could be particularly helpful.
- Status