30 years old, perpetually single

[boomerang]

Jerimiah, you sound like a nice guy with your head on straight. My recommendations (for what they’re worth):

1. Go before the Blessed Sacrament, prostrate yourself and ask God for a wife. (this worked for me!)
2. Get up off the floor and go on as if you’ll never meet that special someone. You’ll meet her when you’re least expecting it.
3. Don’t be shy about asking everyone you know if they know some nice, single girl they can fix you up with. Don’t worry about rejection. Just shrug it off.
4. Smile a lot. This attracts people and opens you up to them and vice versa. If you always look serious, it will turn women off big time. Learn to flirt, there’s probably all kinds of books on the subject. Again, don’t worry about rejection, just shrug it off.
5. There are matchmakers in DC. Have you tried any of them?
6. Last but not least, you can always send for a Russian mail-order bride.

 

[THP]

1. Smile a lot. This attracts people and opens you up to them and vice versa. If you always look serious, it will turn women off big time. Learn to flirt, there’s probably all kinds of books on the subject. Again, don’t worry about rejection, just shrug it off.

I would like to reiterate just how important this is. As someone who meets new people in very intimate ways on a daily basis this is so important to helping people feel at ease and makes conversations easier (of course appropriate context is key). People, especially women, will smile back at you and it helps create confidence and makes going about your day more pleasant.

 

[Bataar]

“Most if not all of my friends are liberal and/or Atheist.”

Making more Catholic friends (of either sex) and going to Catholic events (public talks at places like the Catholic Information Center, Catholic University of America or Georgetown) would be a good place to start. I know some people really love St. Matthew’s downtown and Theology on Tap (uh-oh–bars!) is always a favorite. I’m sure other people can suggest VA or MD stuff.

What do your friends think you may be doing wrong? Are any of them female? That could be particularly helpful.

Having Catholic friends would be nice. I’m 34 myself and haven’t had a Catholic friend since I was a little kid. It’s just really hard to meet people who are Catholic.

 

[Fairwinds]

…So I’m just trying to figure what it is that I’m missing here, personality/character, something else?..J

no, you hit it. you are missing personality/character.

 

[57thDimension]

…if he prefers that to marrying a nice Filipina, Nigerian or Chinese Catholic woman.

Wait, why just “Filipina, Nigerian or Chinese”?

What about Pacific Islander or Indigenous American or others (depending on how the OP defines “Caucasian”)? Also, there are more Congolese Catholic women than Nigerian, so why not just say “African” to include them all? Instead of focusing on just Filipina and Chinese, why not just say “Asian”?

You seem unhappy that he is excluding certain demographics, but you are doing the same thing.

I am a bit surprised at some of the hostility on here. If you think I’m just complaining, whining, entitled, or whatever please don’t waste your time in this thread reading/responding. Last time I checked, when someone asks for help or advice, you don’t spit venom in their face and kick them when they are down.

Some people are bitter, prone to misunderstanding (in their defense though, it is an Internet forum, so there’s much more latitude for interpretation), and even envious (you state that you haven’t made (m)any major mistakes in your life - that is usually not well-received here).

Theology on Tap (uh-oh–bars!)

I think he was referring to the typical clientele of bars, as opposed to atypical clientele (present through special events, such as Theology on Tap).

you are missing personality/character.

How exactly does one state, absolutely, that a person lacks “personality/character” without knowing the person beyond two posts on an Internet forum?

+Sebastian

 

[Fairwinds]

…How exactly does one state, absolutely, that a person lacks “personality/character” without knowing the person beyond two posts on an Internet forum?..

the OP advanced possible reasons for his plight, I assume, naturally, he knows himself best, and I’ve** agreed **with his own assessment of himself.

 

[Demetra2]

So true. I am amazed at the number of commenters that express horror at the thought of a *white man *actually preferring white women! EEEGADS! What’s the world coming too? Lighten up, people. He came looking for help, and all he gets are insults. Welcome to a “Christian” forum, OP. No wonder atheists laugh at us.

Thank you Boomerang for pointing this out with humor. All of the people giving the OP a hard time for wanting to date someone of his own race are being uncharitable and hypercritical for no good reason. People like who they like and that is completely natural. I like brunette Mediterranean men and was lucky enopugh to marry one. I was never attracted to blonde men at all. Does that make me a bad person ? I don’t think so. For goodness sake people this dude is asking for help and many are being hostile without even knowing him. Unfortunately I have seen this type of response before when someone innocently reaches out to other Catholics for advice and gets a hostile psychobabble response. Let’s be helpful and positive. It is tough out htere for unmarried Catholics so don’t make it worse!

 

[57thDimension]

the OP advanced possible reasons for his plight, I assume, naturally, he knows himself best, and I’ve** agreed **with his own assessment of himself.

I’m not sure about that - he was asking a question (which didn’t seem rhetorical to me). Beyond that, my original point stands: if you don’t know him, how can you agree with his assessment, beyond agreeing for the sake of agreeing?

+Sebastian

 

[Fairwinds]

I’m not sure about that - he was asking a question (which didn’t seem rhetorical to me). Beyond that, my original point stands: if you don’t know him, how can you agree with his assessment, beyond agreeing for the sake of agreeing?

+Sebastian

I didn’t consider his questions rhetorical either.

I give him credit for writing a short biographical sketch where he has carefully chosen to disclose what attributes, strengths, shortcomings he sees as important. I didn’t ask him about what I think is important so I’m not looking at him through my personal filter. he volunteered this personal information and I take him at his word for what he says literally and draw some inferences based on what he thinks important enough to include and exclude. I also credit him with seeking honest opinions, and not hand holding sympathy. and in my opinion, based on what he’s presented about himself, he’s identified his main problems.

 

[PTL]

Pray hard everyday. God will lead you to the right person. But that does not mean you sit at home and do nothing. Go online dating. I personally know many people have found the right person from online such as match.com. You just have to spend lot of time to sort people out. In this online age, online dating is a very valid venue. Post a very honest profile with your picture and the right girl may find you!

 

[McMcMe]

Date online. It is how I met my husband, yes, but there’s also another benefit: learning how to date Catholic women. You say you don’t have much experience so I’d start with just simply putting yourself out there first. I’d go on a Catholic site (avemariasingles.com worked for me better than others) and just start meeting women. Go out for dates. Learn how to make small talk. You may not walk away with a soulmate but you will a) learn how to be a better date for when you do find the right gal and b) find other places where faithful Catholic singles like to hang out in your area.

Secondly, pray pray pray. I prayed a 54-day novena to help my future husband grow in faith and to find the courage to approach me first. I met him one year later–he had to finish up RCIA and join the same website to message my profile apparently. But in the meanwhile, I dated consistently and learned more and more about myself as a potential mate.

I also took that time to improve myself and spiritual fitness. Good luck. It is tough to be single. It is a huge time of change and growth and by its nature you do most of that alone. I’ll pray for you!

BTW, I was 32 and he was 36 when we met.

 

[PTL]

McMcMe, welcome to the forum. Your suggestion is very good and practical. I hope OP consider online dating. I would recommend to look for people all over, not limit to your city only. I know a few couples they all started with long distance, then met each other, then headed to marriage. Skype talk is easy nowadays. You never know.

It is hard to find the right person, but God listens to prayers. Best wishes to OP. God bless!

 

[iwillrisenow]

It’s as though people haven’t heard of assortative mating.

I find it particularly interesting when people say things usually left unspoken (“I’d like to marry someone with a good career to support a family” - and the all-too-common response “Oh, you’re just looking for someone wealthy to take care of you”). I also find the mentioning of checklists to be ill-advised (I personally believe that checklists are mentioned only when someone disapproves of some or all of the qualities a person is looking for). If someone says “I have no standards at all” (or something analogous) they receive little or any criticism. It’s as though people value providence over prudence.
**

+Sebastian

I sincerely hope that you all didn’t misread my comment as trying to say that the OP or anyone else was acting “entitled”. Was I was trying to get at was this notion that any of us deserves** any ** of the blessings in our lives (with a particular focus on marriage). Humility isn’t a virtue for nothing…heck, I implicated myself in the whole business of my post. I didn’t mean it as an insult to anyone who is trying to work through this. I was just trying to offer another way of looking at things. I know how it is to be single and see the married couples, and wonder “why not me?” It may take time…talk with a priest or religious…take it to prayer…

In response to the prudence of seeking a spouse with a good career…Unfortunately, life is extremely unpredictable. None of us wants to face the possibility but it’s there, lurking in the background of all of our lives…that “good career” may be completely shattered overnight. Illness may come. Accidents may occur. What then? What would get you and your family through that dark night?

I’m not suggesting that people shouldn’t have standards at all. If cultural similarity (however you view it) is important to you, then it’s important to you. If aesthetic preference is important to you, then it’s important to you. Look, I’m just some woman on the internet. You don’t like what I say? Don’t listen. This sacrament, should you choose to enter it, is between you and your spouse and God. I was only trying to shift our focus a little to bring God more into these types of discussions. It’s difficult for any of us to really reach out in earnest without knowing the OP’s situation in depth, so going to God with this, as with all things, is absolutely essential.

 

[CradleJourney]

… I have nothing against people who like to party, their affinity to alcohol, or that they like hang out at bars. It’s just not something I like to do …

So what DO you like to do? Do that. Do it a lot. Find groups of other people who do it. Do it with them. Suggest outings with those you meet to do it more. Do not worry about whether someone is right as a future marriage partner. Simply enjoy doing what you like to do with someone else who likes to do it. If it’s a gal and you hit it off, great … try doing other things (aka “a date”) to see where it goes. If not, you’ve made more friends that will, in turn, lead to other contacts.

Met and married my hubby just before he turned 30. We met through a phone-based dating service (internet was still somewhat new back then). What attracted me to him - he was willing to go see what other guys considered a “kids” movie - but one I wanted to see. Turns out we both liked Looney Tunes. Almost ended that date though when he mentioned he thought “Married with Children” was funny (I can’t stand that show). He never said, but he probably thought about ending it when he discovered my love of Star Trek (he’s not a sci-fi or fantasy fan). But we switched back to remembering our favorite Foghorn Leghorn lines and were back laughing in no time.

During the date he mentioned he was organizing a group to go white-water rafting, and asked if I’d be interested in going too. What attracted him to me was my willingness to be active outdoors (though I didn’t end up going on that trip because of another commitment), and my ability to have my own interests (such as the martial arts tournament I was competing in when his rafting trip was scheduled).

In other words, we were both were who we were. And while we were open to new experiences and ideas, didn’t try to morph into what we thought the other one wanted. And, it turned out we clicked - and 17yrs of marriage later, are still clicking though our interests have changed over the years.

So again - be open to new relationships however you find them, and focus on learning and growing and getting better at what you enjoy - and see what happens.

 

[Baelor]

Jerimiah,

Pray and consider what you would want in a spouse. Are you truly saying you are indifferent between dating a video game nerd and a hardcore biker?

If you think I’m just complaining, whining, entitled, or whatever please don’t waste your time in this thread reading/responding. Last time I checked, when someone asks for help or advice, you don’t spit venom in their face and kick them when they are down.

To be fair to the other posters, some potential issues with your outlook on dating were manifest in the OP. Harsh language is not often necessary, but the posters were right to point them out (with the racial requirement not being one of the problems).

So I’m just trying to figure what it is that I’m missing here, personality/character, something else?

Probably personality and character.

Your wife will have to spend every day with you. I would not want to spend every day of my life with a woman who watches nothing but reality TV, for example. Or one that insists on going out to the club every night. Or one that can only talk about one social cause or her newest recipe. Or one that is not interested in intellectual stimulation.

What do you offer? What do you want?

Get involved with Catholic singles in the area. There are plenty of opportunities. Join clubs – look at meetup.com and other websites, and find women who are interested in similar hobbies.

 

[Fairwinds]

…
What do you offer? …

this is the important question. in a world full of milquetoast niceguys, what else does the OP bring to the table that an adult woman would find interesting?

 

[Praying7]

Focus on the person. Just on the person. See beyond their physical characteristics. What you marry someone because they are beautiful or handsome and just after the wedding a fire breaks out and burns up their face or they became paralyzed completely. It would be wiser to love the person. I’ll pray for you.

 

[Xantippe]

“Last time I checked, when someone asks for help or advice, you don’t spit venom in their face and kick them when they are down.”

Here’s the problem.

Either

1. You’re right and all the single women in every area you’ve lived in are awful, boozy, godless, liberal and unsuitable.

or

1. You’re screwing up your presentation of yourself and/or there are a lot of options you haven’t been exploring.

In this situation, to tell you “You’re OK, everybody else is messed up,” is the same as to tell you that there is no hope for you at all. #2 is not as flattering and may involve pain for you, but it means that there is hope.

I’ve read so many Catholic Answers posts from single women that I’m sure it’s #2. You should be praying that it’s #2.

 

[Xantippe]

The internet isn’t helping much, but I believe that Kathryn Jean Lopez of National Review is still single and she probably spends a fair amount of time in DC.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kathryn_Jean_Lopez

I’m not totally sure if you would count her as Caucasian, though. (Hey, 2 out of 3 isn’t bad–Catholic and conservative.)

National Review probably has lots of DC area female staffers.

 

[RedSparklyShoes]

I was once in your shoes. My big plan for life was to be married by my mid 20s and a kid or two before I was 30. By 27, I was getting desperate…if I wasn’t pregnant soon, I’d be past 30 for my first kid. No decent man in sight for possible marriage. Anyone I “dated” had either told me he was gay or died…yes, died… I finally gave it all up and said to God that I was happy being single. I couldn’t understand why he’d given me a heart for kids so much if I wasn’t to have them.

The very next day, my husband, whom I had known for 11 years at that point, called me up and asked if we could have dinner together. I was annoyed. All of a sudden I was dating! What?!?!? God, I was happy single, now what have you done to me?!?!? We’ve been married 20+ months and in September I will be 36 and not pregnant yet. God’s plans are bigger than mine.