35 years

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Hello. Came across this site and was compelled to post. Not really ever said this before too publicly. My husband and I been married 35 years, 5 grown (and wonderful) children. I was a stay at home mom and helped run a very successful business with him. Like many worked tirelessly at church, school, ballgames etc. Husband is retired. I have worked several years, not working at present. NOW, for many years there has been a control issue around our house, but not anything I couldn’t deal with. Over the last 10 years there has been lots of control issues…I am about over trying to deal with. He has controlled “his” money for quite some time, I cannot even write a check on any of his(our) accounts, he thought I spent too much money at the grocery so now he buys all the groceries and household things…I have just gone silent about these small issues…maybe like choosing the battles thing. He is the PERFECT person to so many people. He is very involved with church (daily Mass) and totally committed with the Knights of Columbus, earning every award possible. He gives to several charities, which I support also. We as a family have built over 10 houses in the Caribbean…good stuff. But I have to justify wanting 20 dollars. He talks to me with no respect. He doesn’t care or respond to anything I am interested in. Now that we are the only ones at home…I look back and think how stupid have I been?
 
Prayers for you… .

Is there anyone you can talk with -a priest, counselling?
 
Counseling sounds like a great idea. Maybe he has these issues because he’s retired. He was so use to being in control, he is having problems with letting go. Thank would include the spending. Being in charge of a company for that long he would have a problem with retirement.

I wouldn’t call it a mistake. Maybe by not speaking up in the beginning has let the problem get out of hand. But that doesn’t mean that the problem can’t be dealt with.
 
After 35 years, of a mostly good marriage, I think y’all can work this out. Y’all have built and sold 10 houses in the Carribean? I’m gonna guess y’all are affluent? Just tell him you’re not a happy camper, and he needs to loosen up. Do you feel the last 35 years have been a mistake?

I’m also been married 30+ years and retired, but as long as I can ride my motorcycles, I don’t care how much money she spends. But not all men think that way. Why do ya think he’s so nitty? (nittty=southern word for cheap)

Shoot, I don’t have much money, cos I like spending it LOL. I figure I can make some more.

This is not unusual. When a house becomes a empty nest, couples can now look to each other. I call this time a second adolescence, becaue some of the resonsibilities of your early years have been dealt with. Like kids, and mortgages. This should be the best of times for y’all. I’m sorry he doesn’t seem to be interested in you and what you like. I believe a couple in a mature relationship should have outside interests, and at the same time come together for joint ventures. You now have time to enjoy all that.

Do you love him?
 
Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut. First of all NO we are not affluent. The houses were built thru Food for the Poor, a charity we have supported thru thick and thin times for about 15 years. I have no problem with “giving”, I have my own organization that takes food and health supplies to Appalachia twice a year, I do that myself.
I guess I have become apathetic to our relationship…just kinda over it in a lot of ways…it is sad. Of course I love my husband or I probably wouldn’t have been here 35 years! It’s the outward appearance he projects to others and really he is that good, caring, charitible man to everyone…except at home. I love my Church, but he is Catholic guilt in the flesh, about everything. He is a man of a lot of prayer, and I commend that…but live it, in all arenas. I can’t seem to do anything “right” and he has no idea what I dream of or care deeply about. Please don’t say “tell him”, I’ve done that. As example, if he knew I was writing this stuff, he would tell me I have a mental problem and need to get my mind right with God.
 
Well heck, if he ain’t listening just go about your life, what’s he gonna do besides fuss?

Did ya ask why he’s always in a bad mood? All because he doesn’t wanna have any fun, doesn’t mean you gotta go along does it?

I’d try to become more independent without actually leaving him. Tell him the the train is leaving for bound some good times, and he’s welcome to get on aboard, or he can sit around and be ill till to you get back. Choice is his. Tell him you ain’t got time for worrying about where ya spend 20 dollars, if I did that with Debbie, the way she likes to spend money, she’d be doing alot of tawkin. lol

Aint it getting old watching him moan and groan and complain all the time?
 
Listen to Guy, he’s got some great advice.

Put your foot down on the money issue. If he won’t give you $20 there is plenty you don’t have to give him. Heck you can let the house go to pot, cook meals for yourself and exclude, anything else you can think of 😉 – when he complains tell him that “slave labor” was outlawed years ago. Remind him he doesn’t own you, then nicely say “so give me some moula and we’ll go back to normal.”

I hate to sound so underhanded but sometimes a wife’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. I typically go “on strike” about once a year. Lasts about three or four days before he notices. 😃

I am sure part of his worry is the further years of retirement yeah? Might remind him life is too short to be so tight in saving for later. Life is for living now – TODAY. Of course we should be responsible, but not obsessive. And, well, not allowing you $20 is silly. Guy’s right – get out there and have some fun. Learn something new. In my town they have a group of ladies who get together at the yarn store for a “Stitch and [word that rhymes with stitch and literally means female dog but also connotes complaining.]” Of course getting out and doing something is going to require money. So get some of your own money and spend it.👍
 
Perhaps you can find you can “go on a retreat” by yourself for a few days. Without you around, maybe he’ll get the idea.
 
🙂
KCtheMommy said:
Listen to Guy, he’s got some great advice.

Put your foot down on the money issue. If he won’t give you $20 there is plenty you don’t have to give him. Heck you can let the house go to pot, cook meals for yourself and exclude, anything else you can think of 😉 – when he complains tell him that “slave labor” was outlawed years ago. Remind him he doesn’t own you, then nicely say “so give me some moula and we’ll go back to normal.”

I hate to sound so underhanded but sometimes a wife’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. I typically go “on strike” about once a year. Lasts about three or four days before he notices. 😃

I am sure part of his worry is the further years of retirement yeah? Might remind him life is too short to be so tight in saving for later. Life is for living now – TODAY. Of course we should be responsible, but not obsessive. And, well, not allowing you $20 is silly. Guy’s right – get out there and have some fun. Learn something new. In my town they have a group of ladies who get together at the yarn store for a “Stitch and [word that rhymes with stitch and literally means female dog but also connotes complaining.]” Of course getting out and doing something is going to require money. So get some of your own money and spend it.👍
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Here’s another idea. Do all the above but also get a part time job for a while to give yourself some spending money. If he sees that you’re not around to do all the “chores” maybe he’ll think twice about being so controlling with the money. If that doesn’t work at least you would have some money to save or spend for youself and feel a little more empowered. If he gives you trouble about the job just ask him what else he expects you to do if he can’t see his way to giving you some moula to live on. Oh by the way I’m a tightwad with money myself but I never hold back on the important stuff. His problem seems like more of a control issue to me. 🤷 :rolleyes:
 
I’m not in a charitable mood right now, and that is reflected in my suggestions…

Since he has a generous face presented to the world, there must be specific people who believe that about him. Next time he refuses to give you money, tell him, “I guess I’ll go borrow some from X.” 😃

Tell him that, from now on, you are charging him by the hour for the work you do. No pay means no clean house, no clean laundry, no clean dishes, no cooked meals… Maid services around here typically get $15+ per hour. 😃 The tough part of this is not giving up when the dirt piles high.

Do you have a pension from which you are paying part of the household expenses? This suggestion is serious. Keep it back, and make him ask you for it every month. Start your own individual account.

My DH and I have a great way for dealing with money. There is a household account for paying the bills, and then we each have our own accounts. We put into the household account the same amount every month, based on who brings in how much $$. I.e. he makes twice what I do, so he puts in 2/3 and I put in 1/3. The rest of our money is ours to do with as we wish; mine is none of his beeswax, and vice versa.

If he’s the only earner, you should be getting an allowance, not $20 here and there.

Grumpy Ruthie
 
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