4.5 years, not married

[phil8888]

Hi,

I need your help. I’ve been going out with a girl for 4.5 years. For some reason I can’t seem to move ahead. She’s 25 and I’m almost 27. I can’t keep dragging this on. She wants to get married. I’ve had a problem with porn for about 10 years or more. Yesterday, I brought my computer to the store to have the wireless internet card removed, because that’s where my problem comes from. What is your take on all of this? Thanks.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi phil;

Could be a few reasons for it, not knowing you…I’ll guess:

a) could be she’s not the ‘one’
b) you need to heal from your porn addiction
c) you just aren’t ready
d) something about her that troubles you, but you’re hoping it will correct itself

My nephew, who did not have a porn addiction, married someone after 5 years of dating her. They lived together for part of that time, and she ended up cheating on him recently. They had been married for 4 years. He admits that he saw things in her personality/character, that he thought would go away after marriage.(for him, choice ‘d’ applied) So, if you think that marriage is going to heal something that your fiancee or you have a problem with now, it won’t happen. Just throwing that you there, because I think personally, that unless you are super young, and that is the reason you are waiting…there is something more at play, with why you are not moving things forward. Could be her. Could be you. I will pray that you find the right answer!

God bless.*

 

[musicality]

Hi,

I need your help. I’ve been going out with a girl for 4.5 years. For some reason I can’t seem to move ahead. She’s 25 and I’m almost 27. I can’t keep dragging this on. She wants to get married. I’ve had a problem with porn for about 10 years or more. Yesterday, I brought my computer to the store to have the wireless internet card removed, because that’s where my problem comes from. What is your take on all of this? Thanks.

Does she know about the addiction? If not, I honestly think that this is something that will need to come out before any marriage. ( I definitely have my own struggles with purity, and would want the support of anyone who I was in a relationship with.) She could help you hold yourself accountable!

Also, I know that you have gone to have your internet card removed, but the truth is that at some point, you will more than likely stumble across something–Will you be ready to catch yourself before you fall into sin again?

P.S. Confession has helped me a ton in the past with this sin… it gets annoying after a while when you realize that you are still confessing the same sins!
Good luck!

 

[Island_Oak]

Hi,

I need your help. I’ve been going out with a girl for 4.5 years. For some reason I can’t seem to move ahead. She’s 25 and I’m almost 27. I can’t keep dragging this on. She wants to get married. I’ve had a problem with porn for about 10 years or more. Yesterday, I brought my computer to the store to have the wireless internet card removed, because that’s where my problem comes from. What is your take on all of this? Thanks.

The computer is NOT “where your problem comes from.” You have only ONE REAL option. 'Fess up to your girlfriend, give her the freedom to move on and whatever YOU do, do NOT even consider getting married until you get this addicition under control. Anything less is entirely dishonest and misleading.

 

[Convert_in_99]

If she’s wanting to get married, and you aren’t ready, the kindest thing to do here is let her go. It’s been 4.5 years and that’s quite a long time to wait for engagement and marriage when you are ready and of age. She needs to get on with her life and if your not willing to be part of that life for good, then let her start finding someone who is willing.

 

[jwashu]

Hi,

I need your help. I’ve been going out with a girl for 4.5 years. For some reason I can’t seem to move ahead. She’s 25 and I’m almost 27. I can’t keep dragging this on. She wants to get married. I’ve had a problem with porn for about 10 years or more. Yesterday, I brought my computer to the store to have the wireless internet card removed, because that’s where my problem comes from. What is your take on all of this? Thanks.

Define addiction?

What I have found is that a much as some people would like to say someone is addicted to porn so they have an excuse to be mad at them or tell their spouse to leave them, that is usually not the case. And frankly most woman I know who do not have esteem issues wouldn’t be threatened by their spouse or boyfriend giving into pressure and viewing porn from time to time.

Rather it sounds to me like there is something else going on, the porn statement is more of an excuse. I know of no one who would choose porn over their wife or potential wife (ie a real person).

So what is the REAL reason you haven’t asked her? Is it like what Whatevergirl asked? is there something in her character that you believe will changes but you just don’t know? or is it you just have cold feet and don’t want to commit.

Don’t get me wrong… there ARE a few people out there with porn addiction problems but it just sounds to me like that is an excuse as they are more rare than some would like to believe.

I believe the first thing you need to do is to talk to your Priest about this… including the Porn. To get married you will need to go through pre-marriage classes anyway. If you are even thinking about asking her, talk with your Priest about this stuff first. He can give you better guidance than we can since you can tell him every detail that you might not want to share on the internet.

Joe

 

[withwind]

I would pray about it and be honest with her. Maybe 4.5 years is too long and there must be some sort of problem. Maybe it is best to let her go … while you work on helping yourself out of your own destruction of being a victim of pornography.

Keep yourself spiritually healthy - relationship with God…it will help you more in having a healthy relationship with someone.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Hi,

I need your help. I’ve been going out with a girl for 4.5 years. For some reason I can’t seem to move ahead. She’s 25 and I’m almost 27. I can’t keep dragging this on. She wants to get married. I’ve had a problem with porn for about 10 years or more. Yesterday, I brought my computer to the store to have the wireless internet card removed, because that’s where my problem comes from. What is your take on all of this? Thanks.

I agree with the other posters. It could be one of several reasons. You don’t feel you’re ready, you don’t feel she’s the one, there is some reason not to marry her, or your addition.

If it’s one of the first three, you may have to have a hard look at things, and take action (up to and including breaking up).

As far as the porn bit goes, I would find a trusted, hopefully conservatrive preist to help you and for you to confess to on a regular basis. You may also want to give the group Sexaholics Anonymous a try.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Define addiction?

What I have found is that a much as some people would like to say someone is addicted to porn so they have an excuse to be mad at them or tell their spouse to leave them, that is usually not the case. And frankly most woman I know who do not have esteem issues wouldn’t be threatened by their spouse or boyfriend giving into pressure and viewing porn from time to time.

Rather it sounds to me like there is something else going on, the porn statement is more of an excuse. I know of no one who would choose porn over their wife or potential wife (ie a real person).

So what is the REAL reason you haven’t asked her? Is it like what Whatevergirl asked? is there something in her character that you believe will changes but you just don’t know? or is it you just have cold feet and don’t want to commit.

Don’t get me wrong… there ARE a few people out there with porn addiction problems but it just sounds to me like that is an excuse as they are more rare than some would like to believe.

I believe the first thing you need to do is to talk to your Priest about this… including the Porn. To get married you will need to go through pre-marriage classes anyway. If you are even thinking about asking her, talk with your Priest about this stuff first. He can give you better guidance than we can since you can tell him every detail that you might not want to share on the internet.

Joe

I agree with this advice as well.

Sometimes you could just use a one word excuse to mask over the real cause of the issues.

Secondly, I agree with seeking out a priest or other spirtual director type person in order to help sort things out in a logical manner. Always helps to get a real 3rd party objective view.

 

[RACJ]

Everybody has fantasies. But your g/f has been treated shabbily and disrespectfully by you, and you don’t deserve her. You know that right now. Give yourself a few weeks, and go cold turkey on the porn garbage,and see if you might be mature enough to desire a fulfilling and intimate relationship with a REAL person. If you cannot get away from your Narcissism, at least be decent enough to cut her loose. Rob

 

[phil8888]

Everybody has fantasies. But your g/f has been treated shabbily and disrespectfully by you, and you don’t deserve her. You know that right now. Give yourself a few weeks, and go cold turkey on the porn garbage,and see if you might be mature enough to desire a fulfilling and intimate relationship with a REAL person. If you cannot get away from your Narcissism, at least be decent enough to cut her loose. Rob

There’s no need to hold back Rob.

 

[tampagrl]

There’s no need to hold back Rob.

lol…i was thinking the same thing…

You’ve made a good decision regarding the computer.
I think you haven’t asked her b/c she’s probably not “the one”. Simple as that.
But to further speculate, maybe part of the reason is that you’re unconciously expecting your g/f to be like the girls in the porn, regardless of whether you’re intimate w/her right now or not, when you watch that stuff it becomes only “natural” to look at your g/f (and all women) in the same way. Honestly, I suspect you’re probably more conflicted in the sense that deep down you’re a decent guy who doesn’t want to use your g/f like the women in the porn are used. Maybe the fact that you haven’t asked her is b/c you do love her too much to pull her into that life. I echo the others -seek out a Priest and get this all out via Confession. Ask him for continued support. You need to be able to heal from this b/f you can move on w/anyone. God’s peace…