45-year-old fiancee wants birth control

[MrAugust]

I am 47 and my soon to be wife is 45.

She wants to use an IUD to prevent pregnancy. She has a daughter from her previous marriage and says we are too old to have a baby. First off are the health risks, secondly is the fact we are older and not quite energetic to be taking on this enormous albeit rewarding task.

My story is that I have no children despite the fact that I myself was married for 10 years. I wasn’t as accepting of God at the time and my selfishness took priority.

Now here I am years later at age 47, and, while I do feel guilty for never having raised a child, I am very fearful of getting my fiancee pregnant. We are older and would be putting a baby in a very tough not to mention dangerous spot by conceiving. My fiancee and I do engage in sex and use the withdrawal method (I know I’m going to get lectured on this, but nevertheless…).

I told her that with her age it’s possible she wouldn’t get pregnant anyway (she has already started missing periods I believe due to her being premenopausal), but she says she has always been very fertile and doesn’t want to take the chance that she still could conceive.

I know God is supposed to be in control, and that is why I have reservations about her using an IUD. I guess in my warped mind, having a doctor physically insert a device in her to block me from getting her pregnant is somehow worse than just using the withdrawal method. I figure if God’s plan is for me to be a dad, then there are more opportunities for me to make a mistake with that method and for it to happen.

Another very important aspect is the financial one. We are barely making enough money to cover the modest lifestyle of the three of us (me, her and her daughter). We aren’t in poverty, but adding another child to the mix could easily put us there.

I have prayed to God and apologized for not bringing a child into the world. But I have also promised to be a positive influence on my stepdaughter-to-be and be a contributing factor to her success in life. Lastly, I have told Him that had I had the chance to do it all again, I would not have used birth control during my marriage and been open to having children. But I am so much older that it would be really difficult to start now.

What should I do and what should I tell my fiancee?

 

[Ad_Orientem]

Artificial birth control is intrinsically evil, therefore it can never be permitted even for good ends (see the Catechism, para. 1753 ff and 2367 ff; encyclicals Casti Connubii and Humanae Vitae). One can, however, use natural family planning for just reasons (CCC 2370). The US Bishops have some resources here.

 

[Ingeniero]

If your fiancee and you are planning on marrying in the Catholic church and having a sacramental marriage, you can not contracept; it is against Church teaching. Please read the relevant sections in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

If you are planning on marrying in the Catholic Church it would be good for you and your fianceé to practice chastity until the marriage occurs.

As part of marrying in the Catholic Church your fianceé and you will be taking Pre-Cana classes to prepare you for the Sacrament of matrimony. The two points I touched on above are coverred in the classes.

I wish the best for your fianceé and you as the two of you contemplate honoring God with your relationship.

 

[robwar]

I am 47 and my soon to be wife is 45.

She wants to use an IUD to prevent pregnancy. She has a daughter from her previous marriage and says we are too old to have a baby. First off are the health risks, secondly is the fact we are older and not quite energetic to be taking on this enormous albeit rewarding task.

My story is that I have no children despite the fact that I myself was married for 10 years. I wasn’t as accepting of God at the time and my selfishness took priority.

Now here I am years later at age 47, and, while I do feel guilty for never having raised a child, I am very fearful of getting my fiancee pregnant. We are older and would be putting a baby in a very tough not to mention dangerous spot by conceiving. My fiancee and I do engage in sex and use the withdrawal method (I know I’m going to get lectured on this, but nevertheless…).

I told her that with her age it’s possible she wouldn’t get pregnant anyway (she has already started missing periods I believe due to her being premenopausal), but she says she has always been very fertile and doesn’t want to take the chance that she still could conceive.

I know God is supposed to be in control, and that is why I have reservations about her using an IUD. I guess in my warped mind, having a doctor physically insert a device in her to block me from getting her pregnant is somehow worse than just using the withdrawal method. I figure if God’s plan is for me to be a dad, then there are more opportunities for me to make a mistake with that method and for it to happen.

Another very important aspect is the financial one. We are barely making enough money to cover the modest lifestyle of the three of us (me, her and her daughter). We aren’t in poverty, but adding another child to the mix could easily put us there.

I have prayed to God and apologized for not bringing a child into the world. But I have also promised to be a positive influence on my stepdaughter-to-be and be a contributing factor to her success in life. Lastly, I have told Him that had I had the chance to do it all again, I would not have used birth control during my marriage and been open to having children. But I am so much older that it would be really difficult to start now.

What should I do and what should I tell my fiancee?

IUD is a form of abortion since it prevents like the pill the embryo from implanting. Both of you should discuss this with the priest since all forms of artificial contraception is evil. Yes she is probably going into pre menopause. I know the Pope Paul IV institute has all of info in the area, I would try to contact them. I think is it positive that you do want to be a step-dad to the 10 year old.

 

[ClearWater]

I am 47 and my soon to be wife is 45.

She wants to use an IUD to prevent pregnancy. She has a daughter from her previous marriage and says we are too old to have a baby. First off are the health risks, secondly is the fact we are older and not quite energetic to be taking on this enormous albeit rewarding task.

My story is that I have no children despite the fact that I myself was married for 10 years. I wasn’t as accepting of God at the time and my selfishness took priority.

Now here I am years later at age 47, and, while I do feel guilty for never having raised a child, I am very fearful of getting my fiancee pregnant. We are older and would be putting a baby in a very tough not to mention dangerous spot by conceiving. My fiancee and I do engage in sex and use the withdrawal method (I know I’m going to get lectured on this, but nevertheless…).

I told her that with her age it’s possible she wouldn’t get pregnant anyway (she has already started missing periods I believe due to her being premenopausal), but she says she has always been very fertile and doesn’t want to take the chance that she still could conceive.

I know God is supposed to be in control, and that is why I have reservations about her using an IUD. I guess in my warped mind, having a doctor physically insert a device in her to block me from getting her pregnant is somehow worse than just using the withdrawal method. I figure if God’s plan is for me to be a dad, then there are more opportunities for me to make a mistake with that method and for it to happen.

Another very important aspect is the financial one. We are barely making enough money to cover the modest lifestyle of the three of us (me, her and her daughter). We aren’t in poverty, but adding another child to the mix could easily put us there.

I have prayed to God and apologized for not bringing a child into the world. But I have also promised to be a positive influence on my stepdaughter-to-be and be a contributing factor to her success in life. Lastly, I have told Him that had I had the chance to do it all again, I would not have used birth control during my marriage and been open to having children. But I am so much older that it would be really difficult to start now.

What should I do and what should I tell my fiancee?

If you are not married, having sexual relations is considered to be fornication and sinful. So, as a Catholic, you would need to stop until after the wedding ceremony.

I can’t tell you the number of couples who are engaged for years on end, either end the relationship or live together indefinitely, and never do marry. Sometimes, during this time, pregnancy occurs “accidentally”, and it’s easy for people to change their mind on marriage, on having the child, even to the point of having an abortion.

As a Catholic, you would be expected to marry in the Church. To marry in the Church, you would also need to go to a Catholic marriage preparation class, Precana. Your local church can give you information on when the next class is.

In that class, they will address issues of contraception, Natural Family Planning.

In the meantime, if you want to be in a state of grace and have her in a state of grace, also, you would need to reserve sex for marriage.

The Bible talks on this very specifically. Corinthians 6:9 Know you not that the unjust shall not possess the kingdom of God? Do not err: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, …

So, there is more than one level here. One is premarital sex and the second is contraception.

Within marriage, you could use Natural Family Planning, but prior to marriage, Catholics aren’t to be sexually active outside of wedlock since marriage is sacred, a sacrament.

If you would like, you could speak to your priest or a Catholic Counselor through Catholic Social Services.

Is your fiancée Catholic?

 

[Xantippe]

MrAugust said:

“She wants to use an IUD to prevent pregnancy. She has a daughter from her previous marriage and says we are too old to have a baby. First off are the health risks, secondly is the fact we are older and not quite energetic to be taking on this enormous albeit rewarding task.”

The classic IUD’s mechanism is abortifacient, with no ovulation-suppressing element. There seem to be newer IUDs with a hormonal component that does suppress ovulation (at least partly), but the traditional IUD is pretty much the worst possible contraception for a pro-life person, short of actual surgical abortion. (I realize that the pill is also potentially abortifacient (due to the uterine lining-thinning mechanism, but the primary mechanism is the suppression of ovulation.)

That aside, what does your fiancee say she would do if she became pregnant? Would she be inclined toward abortion?

“Now here I am years later at age 47, and, while I do feel guilty for never having raised a child, I am very fearful of getting my fiancee pregnant. We are older and would be putting a baby in a very tough not to mention dangerous spot by conceiving. My fiancee and I do engage in sex and use the withdrawal method (I know I’m going to get lectured on this, but nevertheless…).”

Morals aside, the withdrawal method is not much of a family planning method for a couple who doesn’t want a baby.

“I told her that with her age it’s possible she wouldn’t get pregnant anyway (she has already started missing periods I believe due to her being premenopausal), but she says she has always been very fertile and doesn’t want to take the chance that she still could conceive.”

There tends to be a late spike in fertility. Interestingly, natural multiple births are more common among older mothers. I was just reading the following: “Due to hormonal changes that take place as women age, older women are more likely to produce more than one egg during ovulation.”

justmommies.com/pregnancy/concerns-and-complications/pregnancy-after-35-what-older-moms-want-to-know-about-pregnancy

“Another very important aspect is the financial one. We are barely making enough money to cover the modest lifestyle of the three of us (me, her and her daughter). We aren’t in poverty, but adding another child to the mix could easily put us there.”

How about doing an NFP class with your fiancee (particularly one with material for the older woman and perimenopause)?

There would probably be fairly extensive abstinence involved in conservative premenopausal NFP.

Also, are you doing a marriage preparation class?

Best wishes!

 

[1ke]

If you have serious reasons to avoid pregnancy, natural family planning is the moral choice.

We all rationalize things we want to do. Right now you are rationalizing having sex outside of marriage in some way-- clearly you know it is wrong.

I’m not sure what you want from us here. Why take a stand on contraception and not on other important moral teachings of the Church? Why expect that she will embrace Church teaching on contraception when you both are flagrantly ignoring other teachings of the Church on sexuality?

I think having a change of heart regarding contraception starts with having a change of heart about sexuality in general, and placing it in the proper place within your life and relationship with God.

 

[Xantippe]

1ke said:

“I think having a change of heart regarding contraception starts with having a change of heart about sexuality in general, and placing it in the proper place within your life and relationship with God.”

Yes!

 

[ClearWater]

Withdrawal method is very risky. It’s my understanding it has a really high failure rate.

Would you consider abstaining, in the meantime, until a decision can be reached?

 

[Galbin]

The classic IUD’s mechanism is abortifacient, with no ovulation-suppressing element. There seem to be newer IUDs with a hormonal component that does suppress ovulation (at least partly), but the traditional IUD is pretty much the worst possible contraception for a pro-life person, short of actual surgical abortion. (I realize that the pill is also potentially abortifacient (due to the uterine lining-thinning mechanism, but the primary mechanism is the suppression of ovulation.)

Have to agree with Xantippe here. The IUD is IMO the most abortive contraceptive out there. Its primary mechanism is to push a fertilised egg out of the womb. I also wonder how your df can say she is “very fertile” if she has only had one child. Has she aborted before or given up children for adoption?

 

[Anglewannabe]

I have prayed to God and **apologized **for not bringing a child into the world. But I have also promised to be a positive influence on my stepdaughter-to-be and be a contributing factor to her success in life. **Lastly, I have told Him that had I had the chance to do it all again, I would not have used birth control during my marriage and been open to having children. ** But I am so much older that it would be really difficult to start now.

With all due respect, apologies are useless unless combined with repentance. Which means if you really were sorry, you would quit sinning by premarital sex and entertaining the idea of contraceptives.

And you are doing it all again. You are getting married again so you DO have the chance to marry and bring a kid into the world. Using age is simply an excuse. If you really don’t want a child you can use NFP

 

[Miss_Felicity]

The other posters have addressed all the other aspects of your quandry and I don’t see a reason to parrot that but my question is if you DO want children, do you think its wise to marry someone who is so dead set against having more? If you are on the fence, now would be a good time to spend some time in thought about that.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I wish to say this as kindly as possible, but in reading the OP’s post I see so many issues that seem to point to a need to step back and re-evaluate several major issues in this relationship before proceeding into marriage. I’m not saying necessarily you should break up, though - I’m saying do some serious individual and couple soul searching, take the results, pray over them, talk to a priest about them if you decide to keep on the path towards marriage.

I do understand some of this because when I was in my mid-40s I was wondering, if I met a nice man what about childbearing, and when at 46 I had a hysterectomy for medical reasons, I won’t say I didn’t feel relief that if I did, some of this dilemma wouldn’t exist. Although later I did also experience sadness thinking how final it all was, like when I’d hear of younger women I knew who were expecting.

I’ll pray for the both of you and if it’s meant to work out in a way pleasing to God, it will. Take care.

 

[MrAugust]

I don’t get the thought process behind NFP. Avoiding pregnancy is avoiding pregnancy. Isn’t it Jesus who said that the spirit of the law is as important as the law itself? Whether it’s through an inserted device or through an action, the motive is exactly the same.

Regarding the fertility comment, yes, she had an abortion when she was young and in college before I met her.

 

[Vico]

I don’t get the thought process behind NFP. Avoiding pregnancy is avoiding pregnancy. Isn’t it Jesus who said that the spirit of the law is as important as the law itself? Whether it’s through an inserted device or through an action, the motive is exactly the same.

Regarding the fertility comment, yes, she had an abortion when she was young and in college before I met her.

**From Address to Midwives, Pope Pius XII (1951): **

The reason is that marriage obliges the partners to a state of life, which even as it confers certain rights so it also imposes the accomplishment of a positive work concerning the state itself. In such a case, the general principle may be applied that a positive action may be omitted if grave motives, independent of the good will of those who are obliged to perform it, show that its performance is inopportune, or prove that it may not be claimed with equal right by the petitioner—in this case, mankind.
The matrimonial contract, which confers on the married couple the right to satisfy the inclination of nature, constitutes them in a state of life, namely, the matrimonial state. Now, on married couples, who make use of the specific act of their state, nature and the Creator impose the function of providing for the preservation of mankind. This is the characteristic service which gives rise to the peculiar value of their state, the bonum prolis. The individual and society, the people and the State, the Church itself, depend for their existence, in the order established by God, on fruitful marriages. Therefore, to embrace the matrimonial state, to use continually the faculty proper to such a state and lawful only therein, and, at the same time, to avoid its primary duty without a grave reason, would be a sin against the very nature of married life.
Serious motives, such as those which not rarely arise from medical, eugenic, economic and social so-called “indications,” may exempt husband and wife from the obligatory, positive debt for a long period or even for the entire period of matrimonial life. From this it follows that the observance of the natural sterile periods may be lawful, from the moral viewpoint: and it is lawful in the conditions mentioned. If, however, according to a reasonable and equitable judgment, there are no such grave reasons either personal or deriving from exterior circumstances, the will to avoid the fecundity of their union, while continuing to satisfy to the full their sensuality, can only be the result of a false appreciation of life and of motives foreign to sound ethical principles.

~ Address to Midwives, Given by His Holiness Pope Pius XII, 29 October 1951

 

[1ke]

I don’t get the thought process behind NFP. Avoiding pregnancy is avoiding pregnancy.

that is correct. The Church doesn’t say it is always sinful to avoid pregnancy. The Church teaches us that how we do so matters, and that some ways we avoid prengnancy (abstaining) are fine, while others (contraception and sterilization) are always wrong.

Isn’t it Jesus who said that the spirit of the law is as important as the law itself? Whether it’s through an inserted device or through an action, the motive is exactly the same.

No Jesus did not say that, and no it is not at all the same.

Regarding the fertility comment, yes, she had an abortion when she was young and in college before I met her.

I am sorry to hear that. Has she receive counseling for this?

 

[MrAugust]

No Jesus did not say that, and no it is not at all the same.

I am sorry to hear that. Has she receive counseling for this?

Are you sure about that? That’s not what I learned from Galatians 2:16-17

And no, she isn’t in counseling. She made a horrible mistake over 20 years ago, but she isn’t traumatized by it and a counselor isn’t going to change anything.

 

[1ke]

Are you sure about that? That’s not what I learned from Galatians 2:16-17

Galations sayys nothing about the “spirit of the law”. It says we are not justified (i.e. saved) by the law. It does not say we do not have obey the law.

However, Jesus does most definitely say the opposite of what you propose in Matthew 5:17-19:

“Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill.

Amen, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or the smallest part of a letter will pass from the law, until all things have taken place.

Therefore, whoever breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do so will be called least in the kingdom of heaven. But whoever obeys and teaches these commandments will be called greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

I tell you, unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

And no, she isn’t in counseling. She made a horrible mistake over 20 years ago, but she isn’t traumatized by it and a counselor isn’t going to change anything.

Having counseled with many abortion-impacted women, I think you might be surprised by the impact this has had on her life even, if she pretends otherwise. Don’t discount counseling.

rachelsvineyard.org/

 

[3DOCTORS]

Are you sure about that? That’s not what I learned from Galatians 2:16-17

And no, she isn’t in counseling. She made a horrible mistake over 20 years ago, but she isn’t traumatized by it and a counselor isn’t going to change anything.

Forgive me again if I’m being presumptuous in saying this, but it seems in your first post on this thread you mention several areas where you and your fiancee’ are knowingly defying Church teaching, and you do give some background, then later the part about the abortion, but come across as sure you have the answers, and don’t really want to change what you’re doing.

So that makes me wonder, why ask the questions if you’re not going to approach hearing the answers with open minds and hearts - and with the willingness to possibly walk through some painful issues to enable healing and conversion to occur, which will bring with it grace and blessings? I hope that this makes some degree of sense - we all have our blind spots, I have mine as well - but we must be teachable.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

We, as a culture, are brainwashed to read every little ingredient on our food labels; even to the point the government dictates how restaurants arrange their menu’s.

Now, we are also brain washed to blindly follow doctors orders; without reading the labels of the prescription medicine. Now, among the many side effects of these medicines, a serious consideration is stroke. Check it out: ehealthme.com/ds/mirena/stroke
Now she is in the danger age for these medicines. Other side effects are moodiness, weight gain, acnehttp://m.steadyhealth.com/Birth_control_pills_made_my_acne_worse__t87943.html?page=3, water pollution, and change in olfactory perception.

A weird story to share with you about my discovery of how BCP’s pollute the water system. I was dating a man who took steroids and liked porno. Anyways, in Playboy he came across an article about how women who took BCP’s were polluting the water when they urinated because our water system cannot filter our the estrogen. Well, any Roid user is afraid of estrogen (man boobs). So, I was dragged to every health food store searching for water that used triple osmosis filtration to rid the water of estrogen. At last, we found it!!! Then later that month I read the same article in the Denver Catholic Registry. I thought “Hell must be freezing over if the Catholics & Playboy are in agreement”. forbes.com/sites/timworstall/2012/06/03/women-on-contraceptive-pill-should-pay-1500-a-year-more-tax/

Later, this same man found in an old “Psychology Today” article about how. BCP’s change a woman’s olfactory senses, resulting in her picking a spouse who was like her father/brother in smell … While in picking a mate, she NEEDS to pick a spouse with a different smell. This mismatch resulted in her revolted by the smell of her husband after she stopped taking BCP’s.

Lastly, I have read that In the 2005 world health organization named the birth control pill as a group 1 carcinogen along side with radium, asbestos, & cigarette. 30% increase of breast cancer due to BCP.

With or without moral conscience, there is great pause on this medicine doctors hand out like candy. I urge you both to seek together how the moral conscience is skewed to help your relationship.