47 Year Old Husband Wants A V!

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puppylove

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What I am to do? We were practicing NFP when I got pg for our baby girl 1 1/2 years ago. When I had the baby last April and I was 38 and DH was 46. We are now 39 and 47. DH will not have relations with me due to being afraid of me getting pg. I really haven’t felt “in the mood” lately especially since I am still breastfeeding. So its not big deal with me, but he wants relations just no baby. I try to tell him that it would be a sin to have a V, but it is not helping our marraige. I’m afraid he will look elsewhere eventually!
 
I have a similar problem, so no advise really…I was advised to learn NFP but that hasn’t solved the problem…I’ve learned NFP from a very conservative, wonderful teacher…but STILL my dh abstains completely because he is terrified I will get pregnant again, he just doesn’t ‘trust’ NFP and feels abstaining is the ONLY 100% guaranteed way… I nearly died having our eldest (she was born not breathing and suffered lack of oxygen) and this made a great impression on him as he was in theatre at the time (my circulation collapsed during a forceps delivery, trapping the baby, it must have been scary to watch…I tore so badly I needed surgery after and took 8 months to heal), my second I had complications too, my blood-pressure was so low I kept blacking out and again had a lot of bleeding and infections…he’s just afraid to lose me if I fall pregnant again, and feels it’s his duty to protect me…even if that means no relations at all! I don’t know what your dh’s reasons are for not wanting more children (apart from maybe feeling ‘too old’), but I do sympathise with your situation! I’ll be reading the replies you’ll get with interest…because as I said: NFP hasn’t proved the answer for me either, apart from the fact that I’m now an expert on my own cycle 👍

Anna x
 
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puppylove:
What I am to do?
Talk to him, and try to let him understand your concerns. BUT, ultimately it is his body and his choice. you can only make your voice heard.

he does not need your consent under the law, thats just the way it is. so all he has to do is go to the local health clinic, get counseling, wait 30 days, and have the procedure.

no amount of talking or yelling could have changed my mind about having it when i did, and i was 21. there is only so much you can do.
 
Well if both you and your husband are “fine” with abstaining entirely, then there isn’t much problem.

The problem comes when one partner or the other needs the physical intimacy.

The fact that your husband wants a vasectomy indicates they are not entirely on board with the church teaching on this matter, nor are they particularly obedient soldiers for Christ.

They either need to understand why contraception is sinful. Or your husband needs to appreciate the value of obedience to the church.

If you can get your husband to read as much about the Church’s teaching on sexuality as you can. But be prepared to assent to your wifely duties as will also be revealed in this reading. Your assent will go a long way into helping him assent to the teaching.

Recommended reading

Theology of the Body - by Pope John Paul II
Love and Responsibility - by Pope John Paul II
Good News About Sex and Marriage - by Christopher West
The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality - by JPII (I think)
Humanae Vitae - by Pope Paul VI

Finally, I can’t say that there is any particular book or text that ever made me say “Aha! So that’s why”. I only came to understand the reasoning behind the contraception prohibition through years of reading, contemplating, and practicing NFP.

If either of your husbands are thinkers, just tell them that is has to do with the fact that Human life is sacred. I would spend many hours driving for work purposes cogitating this, and other facts relating to human life being sacred. Because human life is sacred we cannot:

have sex before marriage
commit adultery
use invitro fertilization for humans
use artificial insemination for humans
contracept for humans
abort humans
create test tube human babies
murder humans
euthanize humans

You’ll notice that all of the above can be done by or done to animals. It is only human life that is treated with such reverence.
 
BUT, ultimately it is his body and his choice. you can only make your voice heard.
I don’t think that is Catholic teaching. In marriage your body does not belong to you, but to your spouse.

By law, that may be another matter since our laws do not follow Catholic teaching perfectly.
 
This isn’t advice, just a true story.

When my wife and I were 40, we’d been married 18 years, and had two children, a son 10 and a daughter 7. And guess what? We found out that we were going to be parents again.

This was not exactly a planned event, and a major complication arose. The OB/GYN who had delivered our other children had dropped his OB practice due to arthritis, so my wife consulted a GYN she had been a patient of in the past. The first advice, quite unsolicited, that she received, was how easy it would be to make this “problem” that had arisen “go away”. The advice was not taken.

Skip ahead 17 years. This little “problem” graduated from her Catholic high school with 3 gold medals (academic, religion, and biology), and the Governor General’s medal for the school, as well as the senior student of the year award for her community contributions. That latter award involved getting her name on a trophy (first girl to do so, also for the GG medal), As an interesting touch, one of the names already on the trophy is the name of our present family physician. In university on scholarships, she was admitted directly into honours molecular biology and biochemistry at the start of her second year, and starts a co-op placement term this spring with a major cancer research agency. They had given her her first interview for finding a placement, and contacted the co-op office and said to stop giving her more interviews, because they wanted her then and there for an 8 month (as opposed to the normal 4 month) placement.

Through the years this happened, I freely confessed that there were many occasions on which I had just stood back and looked on in wonder. We had the chance, of course, to intervene and stop this from ever happening. We rejected the chance, but not because we ever imagined something like the above would come to pass.

If there’s a moral to all this, it seems to be that people should be very, very careful of taking these matters into their own hands, if only because there is simply no way of knowing what one would be thwarting. (The only interventions I’ve ever heard of that seemed understandable at all were a few cases I know of where a pregnacy would be fatal to the mother well before any prospect of viability for another child came to pass.) Remember: When God called Moses, he was very long suffering with him as he rattled off potential problems, and only got angry when Moses told Him to find somebody else (Ex. 4:14).

Blessings,

Gerry
 
Oh Gerry. Thanks for that wonderful story. Thats exactly what I needed to hear! I wouldn’t trade my baby girl for a million billion trillion dollars and if I have to suffer in my marriage as a cross to bear then so be it!
 
Black Jaque:
I don’t think that is Catholic teaching. In marriage your body does not belong to you, but to your spouse.

By law, that may be another matter since our laws do not follow Catholic teaching perfectly.
Wonderful. But that doesnt address the fact that he, by his own free will, can go and have a vasectomy. and there isnt a single, solitary legal (or otherwise) thing she can do about it.

no lawsuits, no injunctions, nada.

thats what i am trying to say. my mom is a very strict Cathlolic, and she cried for days and days when i told her i was going to have one. despite all the flack i caught, i knew once i went and had it done, then it would be over with and i would not have to listen to it anymore. it would be final.

if he has that mentality, then it is a done deal.

i was 21 when i did it, and despite many, many people advising me against it, i did it anyway. do i know now it is wrong? yes. did i care back then? nope.

the laws are highly stacked against her, and he is free to do whatever he pleases. thats just the reality.
 
Thanks for all your responses. I think he is going to hold off for now and we will go with practicing NFP for now. I will probably take a class soon too and so that might help him feel better about the whole situation. Thanks for all your prayers!~
 
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puppylove:
Thanks for all your responses. I think he is going to hold off for now and we will go with practicing NFP for now. I will probably take a class soon too and so that might help him feel better about the whole situation. Thanks for all your prayers!~
What method are you using?
 
An incredible story, Gerry, and wonderfully told!! God bless you and your wife for making the decision you made that many years ago …

And God bless you, PuppyLove, as well as your husband, for making the decision to trust in the Lord and use NFP.

May God’s love be with you. Always.

Always.
 
I know two friends who had vasectomies, and years down the line when their spiritual lives deepened etc they both had the operation reversed. Neither however were able to produce any more children much to their heartache. Both adopted.

There are serious health problems found in men who have had vasectomies aren’t there? Thought I read something about heart problems?
 
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puppylove:
Thanks for all your responses. I think he is going to hold off for now and we will go with practicing NFP for now. I will probably take a class soon too and so that might help him feel better about the whole situation. Thanks for all your prayers!~
there are all sorts of fertility monitors out there. They are pricey, but cheaper than a vasectomy!! Maybe that would make him feel better. Just type in fertility monitor in your search engine.

I know my husband wants nothing to do with charting, but he also gives subtle pressure to keep our abstinence time as short as possible. So, I am always worried that I’ll get blamed if I slip up with my interpretation. So, we’ve been discussing buying a monitor to take the pressure off me.
 
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puppylove:
I will probably take a class soon too and so that might help him feel better about the whole situation.
Please do take a class, but he needs to be there with you! This is his fertility as well, you can’t take the whole burden on yourself, that’s unfair to both of you. You don’t want to be the only one in control. He should be well aware of your cycle, and interested in knowing it well. I think most men are somewhat scared off from knowing, I can’t understand why. It’s his involvment in the planning that makes NFP marriage enhancing. Sure, you’re always going to know more about it, because it’s you’re body and you’ll have the burden of communicating any changes to him. He needs to make sure he’s informed though. He’s the one who’s fertile all the time. You can have sex the majority of time without getting pregnant. This may be an inappropriate analogy, but I think it’s kinda funny: You’re a mine field, he’s a live hand grenade!
😛
 
I was charting my temps and mucus when I got pg. The temps didn’t do a thing for me so now I am only doing the mucus thing.
 
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