My husband and I joined the Church seven years after we were married, so we were not taught this, and I don’t know how common it is in Catholic marriage prep. However, we have read the book on our own and I do recommend it to many couples as an excellent starting point! Keep in mind, though, that your “dialect” also makes a difference, so discussion and specific ideas for your spouse can be extremely helpful.
My husband’s love language is easy for me: Physical Touch. I just make sure to hug him often, touch his arm or back as I walk by when he’s busy, or give him a quick kiss in passing, hold his hand in the car or while walking together, etc. And it’s also important that I’m responding in a positive way to his touches, not pulling away or cutting a hug short because I’m busy or distracted or whatever.
My love languages (these two come out equal, or as a “back-and-forth” one-point difference, every time I take the test) are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Dh struggles with both of these, though WoA is much more difficult for him, as he tends to be a bit of a pessimist (though he says he’s just being “realistic,” lol). For a while, I had been really strugging in our marriage because we haven’t spent much time together (without the kids), he was being rather critical of me, and when we did try to talk, there were too many interruptions and distractions. But he recently asked me to email him my “list” of 5 things he could do that would speak “love” to me, and lately, he’s been making a real effort to speak my LLs (and not
hurt me in my LLs). I can say it really does make a big difference! He doesn’t always get it right, but the fact that he’s making an effort gives me a lot of hope and a willingness to let go of the “minor” offenses (that used to feel like “major” ones).
That said, I think the book sort of gives the impression that one main LL will fill the other person’s “love tank” even if we ignore all the other “languages.” At least that is the impression I got. If that is what the author
intended to say, I have to disagree with him somewhat.
I think we generally cannot ignore the other person’s second (or sometimes even third) LL completely,
especially if the scores are close.
For my dh, this is Acts of Service, and I’ve found that if I neglect this area completely, then speaking his main LL doesn’t entirely “fix” it–I need to show him some love through Acts of Service, too. The same goes for me with my second/third language, Physical Touch–if dh spent plenty of time with me and told me all the time that I’m beautiful and he loves my soft skin, but he never initiated any touch, I’d start to wonder if his words were really sincere!
Also, as I mentioned, I think discussion and ideas are helpful, particularly because some of the things we might usually associate with a
different love language may actually be included in our spouse’s “dialect,” too. For example, Receiving Gifts is the lowest LL on my list. HOWEVER… if dh did not give me some kind of gift on certain special occasions (such as Christmas), I would be very hurt! This is not because the gift itself speaks love to me, but because the
time, effort, and thought in selecting, buying/making, and giving the gift ARE important to me, and because special occasions are… well,
special to me! But if I didn’t
tell him this, dh would probably not guess on his own.
So that’s my experience with the Five Love Languages. Hope you find something in there interesting or helpful!
This too was helpful to me.
