6 months on, still feeling homosexual

[Ayeaiii]

Hello to you all,

I posted here about 6 months ago because I had a problem that I had homosexual feelings, and I received some good advice. i listened to it all and decided on some actions to take, but I fear things have not got better.

Let me reintroduce. I am a 16 year old boy. When I last posted, any attraction of this sort to people I had had was exclusively homosexual. This is how it remains. I had then never ‘done’ anything, never acted on the feelings. This also is how it remains.

I will be really honest with you because I think through complete honesty is the only way I can hope to be helped. I will tell them exactly as they are:
To some degree it is sexual feelings, and desire of that nature. But also, possibley more so, it is not about sex. I, like most people, want to have a loving relationship. But when I imagine this, I imagine it to be with a man. Almost as if I am the woman. Though to clairfiy, I do not want to be a woman.

I have felt this so many years, and it does not go away, so this is what I do:

I have tried to have a good prayer life and in this way build up a strong relationship with our Lord, and the Blessed Virgin Mary. I pray to them, and to Saint Agnes for purity that I can behave always in the right way, and be controlled and chaste.

I try for to have as good spiritual life as possible; I try to do much outreach and be a good person, I volunteer for learning disability charity, and donated to homeless shelter.
I go to Mass and recieve communion regularly, and adoration, and confessional…though, I must say…I have never confessed to this because I am too scared, and I find I can barely even say the words.

But…I still feel exactly as I did. I wonder, what is to happen, if these feelings never go away? What will happen in my life then, what should I do in this case?

Thank you x

 

[ocuinn]

I have come into contact with the work of a Catholic Psychiatrist named Conrad Baars during my education. I am currently trained in Counselling and Psychology. I recommend Baars work because it is in complete harmony with the teachings of the Catholic Church. He has written about what he calls Emotional Deprivation Disorder and how it can result in Homosexual attraction in males. The following is an extract from his book “Healing the Unaffirmed”:

In cases of homosexual males with emotional deprivation disorder which we have studied personally, the basic motive always appeared to be the fact that the missing motherly tendencies in childhood had made it impossible for them to feel that a woman was something good, an object toward which their feelings could be directed. Consequently their feelings, including the sexual ones, had been directed toward an object of the same sex. In several of our cases the homosexual orientation disappeared when the emotional deprivation disorder was cured, making room for normal hetrosexual orientation which enabled the patient to enter into a sound and happy marital relationship

My advice to you is, if you can, look for and get the books of Baars. Begin with “Born Only once”. It is short and easily read. You homosexual feelings are not your fault but they cannot be overcome by your will power alone. You should look into getting yourself someone you can confide in regularly. In particular I recommend a Catholic Therapist who practices the work of Baars/Terruwe. You may find one in your area by searching on www.catholictherapists.com. There is hope in the grace of God! Believe me!

AP Quinn

 

[Marauder]

First off don’t be afraid to confess your feelings. Priests have heard it all. If you are nervous because you know the priest go to a nearby parish.

Second, as for the same sex attraction feelings, they may go away if it is a “phase”, they may diminish over time, or they may never go away. Things like this vary person to person.

I think you need to go to the Courage web page.

couragerc.net

Courage is the only organization that ministers to people that deal with a same-sex attraction that has been approved by the Vatican. There are sections on their web-page for Youth. They also have online forums where you can talk to people and get support.

 

[Jaypeeto3]

Aye,
it seems like you have a heavy cross to bear.
Whatever you do, don’t give up.
And please go to confession. Like the poster above said, priests have heard it all, nothing shocks them, they aren’t going to jump through the grate and shake you.

A good prayer life is essential to keeping sexual and romantic/sensual feelings under control. Ask St. Joseph to help you remain chaste. And don’t hate yourself if you find that you still have the feelings. Just don’t deliberately cultivate them.
Prayer for yourself and others is extremely important. Pray a lot. You can use a prayer book (like THE ESSENTIAL CATHOLIC PRAYER BOOK available at amazon.com ) or pray using your own words. Be honest with the Lord. Tell him how much this hurts and confuses you. Ask him for the grace to be victorious over it and to desire it less and less.

God be with you.
Your (old) brother,
Jaypeeto3

 

[Ramalama]

I had then never ‘done’ anything, never acted on the feelings.

This is serious and may be a difficult cross to bear for a very long time, but . . . if you have never acted on it, you may not have sinned. I’m not saying you shouldn’t see a priest, you should, but you might lighten up on yourself just a bit. Of course, entertaining impure thoughts is not the best idea and may be a sin (I’m new here and rather uneducated).

There are many people like you. It seems shameful to you because it’s hidden. Talk to a priest or a school counselor or a psychologist. This burden is way too heavy to carry alone.

God bless you, you’re in my prayers.

 

[Ayeaiii]

Ocuinn…I mean not to be dismissive of your advice but I must say to things. One, I do not think I can have any disorder as a result of maternal detatchment. My mother is very good and loving, and was never absent for a long time in my childhood. So I am not sure I have that so I am unsure if that therapy can help.

Also, I think i should have at the start explained, I live in England. That is significant, because some cultural difference. I will explain to you:

Here, there is no therapist that is willing to treat homosexuality as an illness to be cured. It would be illegal to give someone such treatment. Here it is most usually thought to be naturally occuring, and certainly not wrong, so no such treatment exists. Chastity is not encouraged for homosexuals.
Otehr views to this are not allowed to be practised by therapists or business of any kind, as it is illegal on the ground of inciting hate.

I am not making any judgement on this, I just tell to you, this is how it is. So, any non Catholic, and even many Catholics, would tell me this. I think it is a matter of the cultural environment, this is the view held by most. This is why I come here, to see what views there are other than this, and try to find the true Catholic solution.

So I know this is what I will get from all but maybe a preist. I will confess, maybe to the preist at my church, maybe another. But I will do it, see what he say.

Thank you for your advice, I hope I did not sound dismissive.
x

 

[ocuinn]

You don’t sound dismissive at all! I’m glad you shared this with us.

I understand your situation. I am from Northern Ireland and am well aware of British attitudes. I am sorry you got the impression that you did. I am not saying homosexuality is an illness. I am saying it an an emotional disturbance that has developed over time.

I also don’t want to give the impression that this emotional state has only one explanation. This may have been misleading from my post. There could be any number of reasons why this state has developed within you. However these reasons are most likely unconscious and unavailable to your awareness for now. A disfunctional maternal attachment is not the only explanation. There are ways of discovering what these reasons may be though.

However I am very sympathetic to your situation. I realise how hard it can be living as a Catholic in the United Kingdom. It may be possible to find yourself a good Catholic or even Christian **client-oriented therapist ** who is completely accepting of your feelings while at the same time you could be reading the work of Baars and Terruwe. Don’t dismiss it off hand! it is a wonderful fountain of life! Truly a gift to the Church

There is a particular booklet that may be invaluable to you and it shouldn’t cost any more than 3-4 pounds. It is entitled “The Homosexuals search for Happiness” It is available for purchase at conradbaars.com/book-order-form.htm

From time to time it is available on www.amazon.co.uk second hand. It is completely Catholic. You can just read it and continue going to your priest or spiritual director.

Good Luck you are in my prayers

AP Quinn

 

[Ayeaiii]

Oh thank you,
Yes that clarify somewhat! Sorry i just used the term illness because I did not think what other is technically better, i took no offence (and hope caused none either!) I will look for such therapist. i see also my church has free counselling maybe I shall go there, ask there!
thanks again x

 

[Imryl]

First off don’t be afraid to confess your feelings. Priests have heard it all. If you are nervous because you know the priest go to a nearby parish.

That’s not necessarily true. I basically silenced a priest for an hour yesterday. He had a hard time trying to come up with anything to say. But then again, so did I.

Most uncomfortable situation on the earth at that moment in time I’m sure.

 

[goofyjim]

I felt the same way at sixteen and vry often feel the same way now. I keep close to a prayer life which keeps me chaste. I simply don’t find homosexual desires if kept to that level as something to consider mortal sin. I don’t go to therapy because I am of the suspicion I was born this way, with the feelings that is. Noone is born into a behavior.

 

[ocuinn]

I felt the same way at sixteen and vry often feel the same way now. I keep close to a prayer life which keeps me chaste. I simply don’t find homosexual desires if kept to that level as something to consider mortal sin. I don’t go to therapy because I am of the suspicion I was born this way, with the feelings that is. Noone is born into a behavior.

Homosexual desires are not a mortal sin. No desire no matter what it is can ever be considered a mortal sin. It is the act that you allow yourself to fall into that should be questioned. Homosexuality is a disordered sexual emotion that has developed through life. I don’t believe people are born the way they are but I most certainly don’t believe they are responsible for the way they are.

 

[goofyjim]

Homosexual desires are not a mortal sin. No desire no matter what it is can ever be considered a mortal sin. It is the act that you allow yourself to fall into that should be questioned. Homosexuality is a disordered sexual emotion that has developed through life. I don’t believe people are born the way they are but I most certainly don’t believe they are responsible for the way they are.

There really is no conclusive evidnece either way. Facts show that only a third of those who go through therapy to change their orientation are successful. This is why I believe it is more a biological disposition than it is environmental factors. And if something is shown to be biological, then yes they are born that way. But behavior is environmental.

 

[buffalo]

Stephen Bennett Ministries, Inc. (SBM) serves several purposes. First and foremost, SBM encourages men and women to successfully and permanently overcome their unwanted same-sex attraction (SSA.) SBM firmly believes no one is born homosexual; that in most cases, unnatural homosexual attractions tragically develop early on in the childhood; and by biblically dealing with the root cause(s) of one’s same-sex attraction, homosexuality can be completely overcome - just as drug addiction, alcoholism or any other sinful behavior. Men and women can then effectively move on to healthy heterosexuality - as part of God’s natural, perfect design and plan for man and woman.

 

[goofyjim]

Stephen Bennett Ministries, Inc. (SBM) serves several purposes. First and foremost, SBM encourages men and women to successfully and permanently overcome their unwanted same-sex attraction (SSA.) SBM firmly believes no one is born homosexual; that in most cases, unnatural homosexual attractions tragically develop early on in the childhood; and by biblically dealing with the root cause(s) of one’s same-sex attraction, homosexuality can be completely overcome - just as drug addiction, alcoholism or any other sinful behavior. Men and women can then effectively move on to healthy heterosexuality - as part of God’s natural, perfect design and plan for man and woman.

Are these ministries free of charge? There are those of us who do not have the financial means to pay for therapy which is proven to be only 33% effective. Besides, where in scripture or tradition does it say same sex attraction must be overcome?

 

[Marauder]

That’s not necessarily true. I basically silenced a priest for an hour yesterday. He had a hard time trying to come up with anything to say. But then again, so did I.

Most uncomfortable situation on the earth at that moment in time I’m sure.

Most priests have heard it all. Especially inner city priests. I don’t know if you got a new priest or presented a new situation that the priest had to think about for awhile.

He may have needed to think about the best way to proceed, without knowing the details (which I’m not asking since your confession is private) it is hard to say. You may want to find a different confessor or find a good personal confessor.

As for confessing same sex attraction type sins that the OP is dealing with I am sure they have heard it all as well as anything sexual.

 

[ocuinn]

There really is no conclusive evidnece either way. Facts show that only a third of those who go through therapy to change their orientation are successful. This is why I believe it is more a biological disposition than it is environmental factors. And if something is shown to be biological, then yes they are born that way. But behavior is environmental.

First of all if only a third of individuals have changed then the other two thirds have been receiving the wrong therapy. The work of Conrad Baars claims success in the majority of their cases and provides sufficient evidence of an environmental influence wheras the biological influence has provided absolutely no significant evidence whatsoever.

Second of all to beleive in a biological basis for homosexuality is to beleive that God gave it to us.

AP Quinn

 

[goofyjim]

First of all if only a third of individuals have changed then the other two thirds have been receiving the wrong therapy. The work of Conrad Baars claims success in the majority of their cases and provides sufficient evidence of an environmental influence wheras the biological influence has provided absolutely no significant evidence whatsoever.

Second of all to beleive in a biological basis for homosexuality is to beleive that God gave it to us.

AP Quinn

Maybe he di give it to some of us to see how we and others would respond. I repeat there is no requirement to do away with same sex attraction and there is no conclusive evidence to rule out a biological cause, just as some men prefer blondes over brunettes.

 

[Courage_Married]

Stephen Bennett Ministries, Inc. (SBM) serves several purposes. First and foremost, SBM encourages men and women to successfully and permanently overcome their unwanted same-sex attraction (SSA.) SBM firmly believes no one is born homosexual; that in most cases, unnatural homosexual attractions tragically develop early on in the childhood; and by biblically dealing with the root cause(s) of one’s same-sex attraction, homosexuality can be completely overcome - just as drug addiction, alcoholism or any other sinful behavior. Men and women can then effectively move on to healthy heterosexuality - as part of God’s natural, perfect design and plan for man and woman.

As a person that is in Courage I would like to say that Courage does not promote reparitive therapy of any type. If a person wants to go through reparitive therapy, they can and Courage will point them in the right direction but it does not promote it. Courage recognizes that same-sex attraction varies person to person and over time. A person that feels totally “homosexual” may eventually feel that attraction diminish or they may not. I personally saw my degree of SSA diminish over time but when my SSA was at its worse before I joined Courage I felt I was bi not gay. Now I realize that I just have a degree of a same-sex attraction and that attraction can vary over time, but in me it diminished enough that I could get married. I know several people in Courage that as of now could never even imagine their SSA decreasing enough to get married.

 

[buffalo]

Are these ministries free of charge? There are those of us who do not have the financial means to pay for therapy which is proven to be only 33% effective. Besides, where in scripture or tradition does it say same sex attraction must be overcome?

OVERCOMING HOMOSEXUALITY

…We also encourage you to contact SBM personally if you would like to speak with someone privately and confidentially regarding your own situation. Please know - SBM is here to speak with you, to listen, to encourage and to pray. Contact the National Offices of SBM Monday through Friday, 9:00 am - 5:00 pm EST at (203) 926-6960.

 

[saramichelle6]

I felt the same way at sixteen and vry often feel the same way now. I keep close to a prayer life which keeps me chaste. I simply don’t find homosexual desires if kept to that level as something to consider mortal sin. I don’t go to therapy because I am of the suspicion I was born this way, with the feelings that is. Noone is born into a behavior.

I read somewhere that the Catholic view on this is that people are born that way (homosexual, that is). That it comes from the fall of Adam? Or something. Does anyone have any clarification? I have some homosexual friends who are telling me they are starting to doubt any existence in a God and that the Catholic church is overwhelmingly condemning.