6 months on, still feeling homosexual

[blessedtoo]

blessedtoo,

I think we have a rather interesting situation. We are no longer attracted to each other. There is no way we are going to fall into sexual sin with each other anyway. I fall in the city park with strange men; but i have been staying out of the park since i came back to the Church. That doesn’t mean i don’t love my partner and care for him. I pray for him all the time.

I heard Jason Evert
catholic.com/seminars/evert.asp say on his program on chastity (on EWTN) that it would be fine if two people of the same sex live out their chastity with each other.

If one was attracted to a partner and visa versa, it would be a dangerous situation for them indeed.

Love in Christ,
Joseph

Then my question to you would be why do you identify this person as your “partner”? If there is nothing more than a loving friendship and no physical attraction, why wouldn’t you just consider him a good friend who happens to be your roomate?

 

[Joseph_Michael]

Then my question to you would be why do you identify this person as your “partner”? If there is nothing more than a loving friendship and no physical attraction, why wouldn’t you just consider him a good friend who happens to be your roomate?

blessedtoo,

It’s very difficult to answer that. We do have a heart connection that far surpasses that of a “roommate”. I know he would give his life for me. I don’t know if i am that noble. We are best friends. We own a Condo together and a precious cat. Just about every thing we have is in common (even bank accounts). We are definitely more than just roommates.

But we have digressed from Ayeaiii’s original post. I wonder if he’s still reading these posts.

Love in Christ,
Joseph

 

[RWMorris]

And that is what I would love to do. But every time I have broken the news to a girlfriend in the past she then drops the relationship. Where do I find a girl who will understand?

The girl is out there somewhere. Sometimes you have to wait until the right moment comes up. With my fiance I was honest from the begininng. I was lucky that he understood. But the right girl will “get it” if you assure her that you intend on being chaste for life and still have desire for her.

 

[RWMorris]

By saying I am bisexual and then saying I was gay was in fact a way of saying that I embraced the gay lifestyle. When someone embraces the gay lifestyle, they go from being bisexual to being exclusively gay. In matter of fact, there are many shades of gray in SSA. I am probably more lesbian than I am bisexual. Yet, I live the life of a straight person due to my marriage to a loving and understanding husband.

 

[Riley259]

You seem to be under the impression that the CC demands reversal therapy or some type of “reversion” treatment. She does not. If a homosexual Catholic who is striving for chastity wishes to undergo such therapies, the CC will encourage them, of course. But it is not expected or demanded. The Church simply teaches that all people must adhere to chastity or celibacy according to their station in life. I, as a woman who is separated from my husband for many, many years, must remain chaste/celibate. An unmarried person maintains the same level of chastity. A married person practices monogamy and chastity within the marriage. A homosexual practices chastity and celibacy. We are all called to the same holiness.

The Church would not encourage someone with SSA to “live happily with another of the same sex as a partner in love without having sex” because it would certainly provide overwhelming temptation for the two involved. In addition, I should think that someone struggling to maintain chastity would not be able to live “happily” in such an arrangement, as it would present a constant source of frustration to be put in such a situation without eventually falling into the sin of acting on the impulse to engage in homosexual behavior.

Yes, I would agree and it’s also common sense to know that sharing one’s life that intimately would probably eventually lead to overwhelming temptations to have physical relations…but, I suppose it’s not impossible.

 

[dapper]

Yes, I would agree and it’s also common sense to know that sharing one’s life that intimately would probably eventually lead to overwhelming temptations to have physical relations…but, I suppose it’s not impossible.

Yes, as in Joseph Michael’s case, it is ok. If he can do it with his partner, others could do it as well.

 

[dapper]

blessedtoo,

It’s very difficult to answer that. We do have a heart connection that far surpasses that of a “roommate”. I know he would give his life for me. I don’t know if i am that noble. We are best friends. We own a Condo together and a precious cat. Just about every thing we have is in common (even bank accounts). We are definitely more than just roommates.

But we have digressed from Ayeaiii’s original post. I wonder if he’s still reading these posts.

Love in Christ,
Joseph

Then I’ll ask you again to answer Blessed’s question. I have taken the time ot elaborate. Why don’t you?

Then my question to you would be why do you identify this person as your “partner”? If there is nothing more than a loving friendship and no physical attraction, why wouldn’t you just consider him a good friend who happens to be your roomate?

 

[Kevin42]

blessedtoo,

It’s very difficult to answer that. We do have a heart connection that far surpasses that of a “roommate”. I know he would give his life for me. I don’t know if i am that noble. We are best friends. We own a Condo together and a precious cat. Just about every thing we have is in common (even bank accounts). We are definitely more than just roommates.

I wonder if you could agree this is a very close brotherly relationships. To me it seems as if you have a very deep brotherly love. I don’t see anything wrong with that, if that is indeed what it is. I don’t know, it just seems like your just describing two people who have been through so much together that they have forged a bond that is incredibly strong…to the point where it has become as to where they are close brothers.

 

[blessedtoo]

blessedtoo,

It’s very difficult to answer that. We do have a heart connection that far surpasses that of a “roommate”. I know he would give his life for me. I don’t know if i am that noble. We are best friends. We own a Condo together and a precious cat. Just about every thing we have is in common (even bank accounts). We are definitely more than just roommates.

But we have digressed from Ayeaiii’s original post. I wonder if he’s still reading these posts.

Love in Christ,
Joseph

He hasn’t been back in ages.

So, based on your answer, you could in fact refer to him as your best friend rather than your partner. Since Christ told us there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for his friend, I would say your best friend’s affection for you falls within those boundaries.

I belabor this point because I think that if one continues to identify oneself with a gay lifestyle by refering to a platonic relationship as a “partnership”, it can cause a great deal of confusion when attempting a chaste lifestyle. It betrays some sort of attachment to a lifestyle that one claims to have forsaken. It is one of the reasons why the group Courage does not use the term “gay”. Words are powerful in our culture, especially when agenda-driven groups seize them for their own purposes.

 

[urban-hermit]

Originally Posted by blessedtoo
…
So, based on your answer, you could in fact refer to him as your best friend rather than your partner. Since Christ told us there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for his friend, I would say your best friend’s affection for you falls within those boundaries.

I belabor this point because I think that if one continues to identify oneself with a gay lifestyle by refering to a platonic relationship as a “partnership”, it can cause a great deal of confusion when attempting a chaste lifestyle. It betrays some sort of attachment to a lifestyle that one claims to have forsaken. It is one of the reasons why the group Courage does not use the term “gay”. Words are powerful in our culture, especially when agenda-driven groups seize them for their own purposes.

Thank you, blessedtoo, for expressing this better than I could.

Joseph Michael: I think it is awesome that you have come back to God and the Church, and thank you for sharing part of your life experience with us. I feel that chastity is the unavoidable entryway through which we who were once actively homosexual have to pass in order to really walk with God again. But also I think I understand and have experienced a little bit of that desire to “belong” to some family unit or “partnership”. In our society it has become a sort of stigma to be “single without children”. But I have found that that need not be the case. … if I keep “puttin’ my hand in the hand of the Man from Galilee” (sorry - that old song just sprang to mind) and basically just keep praying that daily rosary or Mass or devotion, and really delve into the reality that God really really does love me and wants me to be part of His family.

 

[C_Bautista]

The distinction between “life partner” and “great friend” to me seems to be an interesting one.

I can’t truly identify with the situation, but honestly, shouldn’t we feel that we are ready to give our lives for any of our friends?

Personally, I feel that I would quickly give my life for even an accquantance, but I, of course, have no occasion by which to verify that. It’s easy to say it, but debatably not as easy in reality.

Still… you refer to special love and the willingness to die for your partner, but isn’t that what we should all feel for everyone? Maybe God has used your situation to begin to teach you something how all relationships should be - chaste, loving, and self-sacrificing.

If He can bring ultimate good out of the ultimate act of evil (cold-blooded murder of the ultimately perfect and innocent Christ), then why assume that He cannot speak to you through something like this relationship?

 

[Mintaka]

There are plenty of Catholics with SSA on the Web who are living out lives of chastity, without dropping their old friends like a box of hot rocks. David Morrison at Sed Contra might be very helpful to email on this issue.

 

[Joseph_Michael]

By saying I am bisexual and then saying I was gay was in fact a way of saying that I embraced the gay lifestyle. When someone embraces the gay lifestyle, they go from being bisexual to being exclusively gay. In matter of fact, there are many shades of gray in SSA. I am probably more lesbian than I am bisexual. Yet, I live the life of a straight person due to my marriage to a loving and understanding husband.

I thought i should say that i am proud of you and i think it is a great blessing that you have four children too. It’s a wonder that you were able to do all this in an age when it was not encouraged. God’s grace was and is with you for sure. May God continue to Bless you!

By the way, we are the same age.

Love in Christ,
Joseph

 

[sosayi1960]

I thought i should say that i am proud of you and i think it is a great blessing that you have four children too. It’s a wonder that you were able to do all this in an age when it was not encouraged. God’s grace was and is with you for sure. May God continue to Bless you!

By the way, we are the same age.

Love in Christ,
Joseph

I’ve been going through alot of changes. i was in the lifestyle and met my wife. We have two great kids. I just wish God would help me with this.
In Christ,
Joe

 

[stonier]

i got this answer off www.pureloveclub.com
It is common that as a young man matures he will seek to identify with what is masculine. Sometimes this desire to identify with a guy who is particularly masculine may be confused with the onset of homosexuality. If a young man acts on this and begins to explore homosexuality, he may gradually come to believe that his orientation is homosexual. But the attraction may have been there simply because the other guy possessed a masculinity that the young man admired and feared that he lacked.

This admiration of a member of the same sex is not uncommon during adolescence, for women as well as men. During this time, young people are trying to discover who they are. They often go through a maturing process that moves them from a strong interest in same-sex friendships to a primary interest in opposite-sex relationships. It is not unusual for adolescents to feel confusion in the midst of their rapid sexual development, identity search, and maturing of interests.

Let us assume for the sake of argument that people are born homosexual and that is their orientation. Does this mean they should be free to indulge in homosexual behavior? As a young man, I could claim that I am genetically wired to desire premarital sex. Some men claim to be disposed toward incest or child molestation. But just because a person has certain desires, this does not mean that it is moral to act on those urges

be strong man, you may be called to a chaste life.
peace be with you

 

[dapper]

I’ve been going through alot of changes. i was in the lifestyle and met my wife. We have two great kids. I just wish God would help me with this.
In Christ,
Joe

Help you with what exactly? Just curious is all…

 

[RWMorris]

Joe,
Pray daily to the Holy Spirit to help you overcome these feelings. Straight people can’t have any idea what the urges are like. Sometimes they are overwhelming. At least for me and I have been married for going on 22 years. The feelings come and go. IF you are able, talk to your wife about the feelings. That always helps me a great deal, to talk to my husband. Is that possible? Also, talk to a priest. He will have better advice than most of us. I just pray and pray again when I have the feelings. It also helps to have the “marital embrace” often.
Peace,
Lissa

 

[blessedtoo]

I’ve been going through alot of changes. i was in the lifestyle and met my wife. We have two great kids. I just wish God would help me with this.
In Christ,
Joe

Dear friend, He will not abandon you. St. Augustine used to pray “God, please remove from me my temptation to lust…just not yet!” When we are ready for God to move in and heal us, He does. This doesn’t mean ALL temptation is removed. That would be Paradise! But He walks with us through the suffering, as long as we keep our eyes on Him.

I too struggled and prayed. God was merciful and, in His time, removed this compulsion for me. But there are other debilitating sufferings that I have prayed about that are still with me. You have to look at the big picture. When it feels hopeless, I step back and look at all God has done for me, rather than what He has not done.

It sounds like He has blessed you with a wonderful family to support you in your walk with Christ. Try to focus on the gifts and continue to pray for the strength to stand firm in the face of temptation.

 

[dapper]

Joe,
Pray daily to the Holy Spirit to help you overcome these feelings. Straight people can’t have any idea what the urges are like. Sometimes they are overwhelming. At least for me and I have been married for going on 22 years. The feelings come and go. IF you are able, talk to your wife about the feelings. That always helps me a great deal, to talk to my husband. Is that possible? Also, talk to a priest. He will have better advice than most of us. I just pray and pray again when I have the feelings. It also helps to have the “marital embrace” often.
Peace,
Lissa

RWMorris, why do gay people marry straight people in the first place?

I think if I had to condone it, I would prescribe your route. You were honest with your husband from the jump. Being a homosexual, though only one part of a person, plays a HUGE part in the committment of marriage…especially to a straight person.

I know 2 homosexual men who have tried to marry heterosexuals and the whole thing was a complete disaster because they were not HONEST. If you can’t be honest with your spouse, who can you be honest with? A lie like that just balloons and they both found that they ended up dragging their spouse (and their kids) down with them in that disgusting lie. They’re both divorced now and MUCH HAPPIER as they no longer carry that bag of lies to the table everywhere they go. I could only imagine what that’s like. A marriage forged in deceit could only last so long I suppose.

They both told me that they married straight people for all the wrong reasons. My one friend told me that he married because he thought his homosexuality would go away if he did. He also thought that it would eradicate the overwhelming suspicions from others that he was gay. Unfortunatley, neither of those wishes came true. He was miserable and there was no amount of praying that could make him feel better or that could erase that lie (and the deceitful and sad feelings that came with it). He had to be a man and be honest.

In your opinion, do you feel that honesty in this matter is the best way to go? You seem to have come to grips with the fact that you are a homosexual (or were). I think there in is the difference between you and my friends. You know and have admitted to yourself who and what you are and were honest with those around you.

 

[Commentator]

Ayeaiii,

There are a couple of interesting points that you raise in your post. I believe I might be of some help as I am also a homosexual Catholic. I remember very clearly what it is like to be in your situation. I saw therapists who I thought would be able to “cure” me and prayed fervently that God would take away my homosexuality. The last thing I wanted to be was a homosexual. None of those things will work. Homosexuality is not a disease that can be cured. It is just a sexuality that some people have for various reasons (biological, psychological, and sociological). The first thing that you need to do, regardless of how you feel about the moral acceptability of homosexual actions, is to accept yourself as a human being who just happens to be a homosexual. You will never be able to mature as a human being (or a Christian) until you do. Don’t worry about changing your sexuality.

In regard to how you should live out your life after you have accepted your sexuality, that is a decision that must be made after careful reflection, prayer, and study. As far as I can see, if you want to remain in the Church, there are two options that are open to you (although many people on this board will be upset about the second option).

The first option is that you commit yourself to living as a celibate. This is definitely the choice that the traditional teachings of the Church would endorse and is certainly a holy and courageous option. It also frees up one’s time and makes it possible for one do different work for the Church that a married person would not have the time to do.

The second option is to decide to search for a homosexual relationship while still remaining in the Church. I feel that in conscience I must inform you, although I am sure you already know, that this option is not officially seen as a valid choice by the Church. However, there are many Catholics who choose this option and live productive Catholic lives. I do not want to get into a debate about the primacy of conscience, sexual morality, or biblical interpretations. The only thing that needs to be said is that Catholic moral theology teaches the role of conscience in moral decisions - one cannot sin morality if they do not think they are sining.

I am not going to endorse either option. I think that you will be able to decide which choice is best for you. I also recommend finding a spiritual director.

Do not let anyone ever tell you that you are “disordered.”

In Christ,

Commentator